Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Deepremorse5]

Never said talk about the ex. Just a parting comment like "do what ever makes you feel better to -------- , (put something her if you want).

 

Make it understood that you care nothing for the OM.

 

Then never mention him again.

 

DR5, my heart goes out to you. You made a mess of things but you have taken the responsibility of your actions, unlike many waywards. Hope you have a friend that gives you a hug and tells you, it will be ok one day. If not, DR5 it will be ok one day.

 

We have talked abut him briefly before. He asked me if I have any plans to be with him. I said no. He said if I would have plans to be with him, he will not go after him as he wants me to be happy. If I have no plans to be with my ex-bf, he will go after him.

 

As informed by my husband, ex bf's arranged marriage has been called off from the girl side. And he is not going to get married for at least next 5 years.

[Deepremorse5]

We have talked abut him briefly before. He asked me if I have any plans to be with him. I said no. He said if I would have plans to be with him, he will not go after him as he wants me to be happy. If I have no plans to be with my ex-bf, he will go after him.

 

As informed by my husband, ex bf's arranged marriage has been called off from the girl side. And he is not going to get married for at least next 5 years.

 

Text chat with my husband :

 

.

.

.

Husband: If he doesn't respect the institution of marriage then he shouldn't be married at all. I don't want another innocent girl to get emotionally victimized by him. He has to pay for his behavior.

Husband: I have made all arrangements to make sure he is not getting married for at least 5 years. My people are at work to make it happen.

Me: I am sorry. I don't want to talk about him.

Husband: Ok. Same goes for you too. After divorce you will understand why people marry each other.

Me: I am sorry I hurt you.

Husband: See I don't want to be revengeful and take it out on you. Simply I don't understand why people cheat. If someone has hundred reasons to cheat then they must have million reasons to stay faithful.

Me: I don't understand myself.Still trying to figure it out.

Husband: Ok. Cheer up. You had your lunch ?

Me: ........

[Deepremorse5]

Thought I will give an update. I received the legal notice for divorce proceedings. It was a bad day. I thought I would handle the situation but I cried a lot. He has been quite generous in many aspects even though I don't deserve anything.

 

One thing that I am confused about is he is not asking anything about the affair. I have wrote him everything in mail/letter but it seems that he is yet to read them. I don't want him to think he had anything to with what happened. I gave him the option to answer anything he wanted to know, he didn't ask anything. What to make out of it ???

[understand50]

Thought I will give an update. I received the legal notice for divorce proceedings. It was a bad day. I thought I would handle the situation but I cried a lot. He has been quite generous in many aspects even though I don't deserve anything.

 

One thing that I am confused about is he is not asking anything about the affair. I have wrote him everything in mail/letter but it seems that he is yet to read them. I don't want him to think he had anything to with what happened. I gave him the option to answer anything he wanted to know, he didn't ask anything. What to make out of it ???

 

Some do not want to know the details. The fact that you did is all they need to proceed to divorce. At some point if he asks, you can answer, but right now it looks like his mind is made up and he is taking action.

 

So what to make of it? He does not want to know the details, or does not believe you will be honest with him in any case. He is moving past you.

 

I think the best thing for you, is to accept this, and learn from your mistake.

 

I wish you luck...

[Cephalopod]

Thought I will give an update. I received the legal notice for divorce proceedings. It was a bad day. I thought I would handle the situation but I cried a lot. He has been quite generous in many aspects even though I don't deserve anything.

 

One thing that I am confused about is he is not asking anything about the affair. I have wrote him everything in mail/letter but it seems that he is yet to read them. I don't want him to think he had anything to with what happened. I gave him the option to answer anything he wanted to know, he didn't ask anything. What to make out of it ???

 

Because he is a strong and worthy man. He has made his decision to move on. Like understand50 said, some people don't feel the need to know all the details about the affair.

 

Your husband knows that you took great pains to plan and conspire with your ex-boyfriend to sneak around behind his back to have sex on several occasions. That is it. He doesn't need to know anymore than that to justify divorcing you in his heart and mind. He's not an idiot. He has an imagination and he can extrapolate pretty well what went on behind the closed doors between you and your exBF.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Some betrayed spouse feel that details would impre their healing. They have no desire to know the details. They have all the information they need...you cheated.

 

I beleive that more husbands that desire reconciliation need the details...not the ones who divorce

[Deepremorse5]

Thnx for the replies. Knowing that your foolish choices have impacted so many people is tough. I feel the guilt will never go away and I have to learn with live with it. The burden is just too heavy to carry.

 

My husband is moving to Germany this month. I was thinking of giving him a small moving away present.

[DKT3]

Thnx for the replies. Knowing that your foolish choices have impacted so many people is tough. I feel the guilt will never go away and I have to learn with live with it. The burden is just too heavy to carry.

 

My husband is moving to Germany this month. I was thinking of giving him a small moving away present.

 

Give him the present of staying away. As strong as his decision to divorce and move on is, it's not easy. Respect his choice and leave him alone unless he opens the door.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Give him the present of staying away. As strong as his decision to divorce and move on is, it's not easy. Respect his choice and leave him alone unless he opens the door.

 

Agreed... leave him alone

 

He knows how to contact you if he ever wants to. Let him reach out to you.

[Cephalopod]

Thnx for the replies. Knowing that your foolish choices have impacted so many people is tough. I feel the guilt will never go away and I have to learn with live with it. The burden is just too heavy to carry.

 

My husband is moving to Germany this month. I was thinking of giving him a small moving away present.

 

Nope. Stop contacting him and leave him be. He needs to put distance between you and himself in order to begin healing. Even though he has taken decisive and strong measures to put you and the marriage in his rear-view mirror, that doesn't mean he is not hurting. As long as you continue to try to keep the emotional connection with him, it will be impossible for him to heal and move on with his life.

 

You need to face that you blew it. Learn from this situation and take steps to never let it happen again.

[aliveagain]

It felt different. Truth be told, I have become more insecure and jealous even though I know he will date someone else. Every time his phone buzzed, I got nervous.

 

Just my personal observation. Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet. If you didn't value him enough to not cheat on him why do you value him so much now that you lost him, actually you didn't loose him you kind of shuffled him out of your life for a looser from your past. Find out why, that's the key.

[Deepremorse5]

Heart wants what it wants. But I have to let him go. I asked him that I didn't want anything from him as divorce settlement. But he is insistent that I keep them. That's why I thought of giving him a moving away gift.

 

Another thing, my husband is not showing any kind of emotion. He talks the same way it used to be. While I am on an emotional roller coaster, he is the same person I knew. Calm and composed. I want him to be angry at me. At least I deserve that. Since he is being nice to me, it confuses me a lot.

[mikeylo]

Heart wants what it wants. But I have to let him go. I asked him that I didn't want anything from him as divorce settlement. But he is insistent that I keep them. That's why I thought of giving him a moving away gift.

 

Another thing, my husband is not showing any kind of emotion. He talks the same way it used to be. While I am on an emotional roller coaster, he is the same person I knew. Calm and composed. I want him to be angry at me. At least I deserve that. Since he is being nice to me, it confuses me a lot.

 

Some people when deeply hurt, shut down and go all quiet. Its not that they aren't hurting or angry or not feeling anything. Thats their way of healing. He has detached himself from you. You are just another unknown person ,like the one on the street. We don't feel emotions towards them , do we?

 

His reason for giving you settlement is to close the chapter with you forever.

 

He has closed down emotionally and is now making a big physical gap. He is moving on.

 

Anyway, he is quite a strong guy !

[understand50]

Deepremorse5,

 

You say you love your SBEX, maybe you do. I will not quibble with what you are feeling. The only loving thing you have left to give him is a clean break. Letting him get on with his life, and find someone new who can be faithful. Use what love you have left for him, to give him this gift.

 

I wish you luck....

[Cephalopod]

And after you divorce and start dating again, find a guy who you are sexually compatible with. That right there will solve lot of your need to look outside a marriage to get your needs met.

[Deepremorse5]

And after you divorce and start dating again, find a guy who you are sexually compatible with. That right there will solve lot of your need to look outside a marriage to get your needs met.

 

It was not about sex. He forced it and I wasn't thinking straight. I was too gullible. Got carried away by our mutual history that I overlooked everything I had. I made the mistake of having intense discussions about our past. It clouded my judgement.

2 out of 3 instances where we had physical interaction, he couldn't perform.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It was not about sex. He forced it and I wasn't thinking straight. I was too gullible. Got carried away by our mutual history that I overlooked everything I had. I made the mistake of having intense discussions about our past. It clouded my judgement.

2 out of 3 instances where we had physical interaction, he couldn't perform.

 

no he did not force it. you were not raped. you willingly gave to him what belonged to your husband.

 

Do not downplay or minimize your responsibility for what you did.

 

I am not casting stones....I am just as guilty.

 

Your husband did what was best for him. He has divorced you and moved to a different country to start over...a new life for him.

 

You should work on you and start over as well. Stop making excuses...stop feeling sorry for yourself. This ship has sailed. Move on.

[Overtaxed]

no he did not force it. you were not raped. you willingly gave to him what belonged to your husband.

 

Do not downplay or minimize your responsibility for what you did.

 

I am not casting stones....I am just as guilty.

 

Your husband did what was best for him. He has divorced you and moved to a different country to start over...a new life for him.

 

You should work on you and start over as well. Stop making excuses...stop feeling sorry for yourself. This ship has sailed. Move on.

 

Exactly. Someone else said "Every woman knows when a man is after her for sex" in another thread. I think this is true, you knew he wanted sex from you, and you still spent time with him. How's he supposed to interpret that? Because, I'll tell you, the way we (guys) see that is "She's waiting for me to make a move". Sure, he made the first move, he initiated it, he pursued you. Of course! You're the woman in the relationship, that's how male/female interaction works, men pursue, women decide. And you decided to have sex with him, he didn't "force" anything, at least not from what you've said. And, if you were forced, that's rape, and it's a whole different issue.

 

The "couldn't perform" thing, if it's true (seems about 90% of WW's say this, seems like a very high number of male AP's have ED, especially considering that A sex for men is very exciting, either women have terrible luck in selection of APs, or there's a lot of minimizing going on here), doesn't matter a bit. It is about intent. You intended to have sex with him. You imagined what that sex would be like. You were disappointed he couldn't get it up. Trust me, as a BH, none of those are in ANY way better than "we had sex". Not even a little bit.

[Popsicle]

Just keep working on your husband. He'll take you back.

[Deepremorse5]

no he did not force it. you were not raped. you willingly gave to him what belonged to your husband.

 

Do not downplay or minimize your responsibility for what you did.

 

I am not casting stones....I am just as guilty.

 

Your husband did what was best for him. He has divorced you and moved to a different country to start over...a new life for him.

 

You should work on you and start over as well. Stop making excuses...stop feeling sorry for yourself. This ship has sailed. Move on.

 

Exactly. Someone else said "Every woman knows when a man is after her for sex" in another thread. I think this is true, you knew he wanted sex from you, and you still spent time with him. How's he supposed to interpret that? Because, I'll tell you, the way we (guys) see that is "She's waiting for me to make a move". Sure, he made the first move, he initiated it, he pursued you. Of course! You're the woman in the relationship, that's how male/female interaction works, men pursue, women decide. And you decided to have sex with him, he didn't "force" anything, at least not from what you've said. And, if you were forced, that's rape, and it's a whole different issue.

 

The "couldn't perform" thing, if it's true (seems about 90% of WW's say this, seems like a very high number of male AP's have ED, especially considering that A sex for men is very exciting, either women have terrible luck in selection of APs, or there's a lot of minimizing going on here), doesn't matter a bit. It is about intent. You intended to have sex with him. You imagined what that sex would be like. You were disappointed he couldn't get it up. Trust me, as a BH, none of those are in ANY way better than "we had sex". Not even a little bit.

 

Maybe forced was the wrong word I used. It's not the physical aspect I was talking about, it was more like emotional /psychological coercion. But I know I am guilty. I didn't say yes but I didn't say no to him. Initially I had resisted his advances for a month but in a particularly weak moment I let go my defenses.

Everyone is saying me to move on. I know they are saying for my well being. But it's just so hard to let him go. The pain of losing him is just unbearable. I have stopped texting my husband. But he has not texted me since. It really hurts. But I know this pain is nothing as compared to what I did to him.

[Deepremorse5]

Just keep working on your husband. He'll take you back.

 

I am willing to do anything at this moment but I know he isn't going to give me another chance. He said it took him 2 seconds to decide what he wants out of the situation after he got to know about it. And in last 3 months he hasn't thought otherwise.

[aliveagain]

It was not about sex. He forced it and I wasn't thinking straight. I was too gullible. Got carried away by our mutual history that I overlooked everything I had. I made the mistake of having intense discussions about our past. It clouded my judgement.

2 out of 3 instances where we had physical interaction, he couldn't perform.

 

This is the first time you brought this bit of information up. Why isn't the man in jail? Why would you continue to date him for 3 months if he forced himself on you? I call bullsh*t, blaimshift, blaimshift, blaimshift, come on girl you have all kinds of excuses as to why the affair happened. You even blamed being mad at your husband because other women find him attractive. That excuse may work in your only child, spoiled world but it doesn't work here. You did it because you wanted to, period. No one cares how bad the sex with other man was, the fact that you deceived your husband by having a relationship with O/M, had sex with him and you were only married a little over a year is the issue.

 

You and you alone are responsible for destroying your marriage, own your actions, fix what is broken in you because you as you are with your lack of respect for boundaries are a high risk partner. Get help.

[Deepremorse5]

Update:

 

Ex-bf's parents tried to reach out to me via a mutual friend of ours. They want me to help connect them with my husband. I declined and asked the mutual friend to stay out of it.

[Deepremorse5]

You and you alone are responsible for destroying your marriage, own your actions, fix what is broken in you because you as you are with your lack of respect for boundaries are a high risk partner. Get help.

 

I know and doing everything I can.

[Deepremorse5]

Sorry everyone. I made a big mistake yesterday. I was feeling very low. In a particularly vulnerable moment (midnight), I begged my husband to reconsider divorce over text. He read it but didn't reply. I panicked and made the situation even worse by calling him repeatedly after he didn't answer my call.

 

I guess I ruined everything. Hurt him again after I had promised him, I won't talk about reconsidering divorce again. I am so deeply wounded.

 

I am broken. I feel good whenever I write in this forum. Thanks for the advises though. Gives me some kind of direction.