Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, I am really sorry to read your last post. You had been holding up well but then you went and blew it. I think that you will have to dig deep down and find the strength to face the consequences of your actions and your future with a brave demeanour. Do not do things to make your husband despise you. As I said, you have been holding up quite well and you must continue to do so..

 

I wonder if you took my advice and got a copy of " Psycho-Cybernetics". If not, I would urge you to do so. It may be a life saver for you. I would also urge you to visit some of the famous shrines I mentioned like Vaishno Devi. If you have heard of the word 'prayashchit' in Hindi then that is what you will have to do and it is best done at one of these shrines. Prayashchit translates in English to Penance and that will help unburden you of the tremendous guilt you are carrying around. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you so stay strong. Become proactive in your recovery or you will continue to have the kind of episodes like this last one. Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

Are you in therapy?

 

Leave him alone. He has moved on emotionally and there is no coming back for him.

[JS84]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too bad over the recent attempt at contact. Just don't do it again.

[road]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too bad over the recent attempt at contact. Just don't do it again.

 

Exactly the above. Your BH knows it is hard for you to not do that.

[TheTruth711]

Honestly i would advise you to stop these games of acting disinterested. The fact of the matter is you cant change what happened. You made a series of wrong choices.

You love your husband..i suggest you write him a long email apologising profusely. Tell him you want to stay married and you love him and want him back.

Promise to be an open book..let him have access to your phone and accounts if need be.

You're human and to err is human.

Go fight for your man. He loves you once he can love you again.

Dont bombard him with daily calls and messages but i suggest you pour out your heart to him in a long email and give him time to respond.

Believe me, he will.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry everyone. I made a big mistake yesterday. I was feeling very low. In a particularly vulnerable moment (midnight), I begged my husband to reconsider divorce over text. He read it but didn't reply. I panicked and made the situation even worse by calling him repeatedly after he didn't answer my call.

 

I guess I ruined everything. Hurt him again after I had promised him, I won't talk about reconsidering divorce again. I am so deeply wounded.

 

I am broken. I feel good whenever I write in this forum. Thanks for the advises though. Gives me some kind of direction.

 

For what it is worth, I do not think you made a mistake telling your husband that you wanted him to reconsider divorce. I thought you were going to say you contacted your exAP with your big mistake. How is it a big mistake to tell your husband you want to be married to him? Obviously you don't want to cross legal lines here but let him know you want him.

 

But that being said - I had an affair and the thing is that there is a reason why a person has an affair. Usually it is about lack of boundaries, lack of self esteem, sense of sense, etc but....usually there is a problem in the marriage. Something is wrong. It does not make it right, cheating, but if you don't address what makes you unhappy, you can't fix it and then where will you be?

 

I see you groveling for your husband to take you back. Let's say he does. He does not seem like he is going to sit down and ask you what made you unhappy. Are you really going to be okay just going back into the relationship sweeping it all under the rug? It all happened for a reason and if you don't understand why and address it, it will happen again.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, I am really sorry to read your last post. You had been holding up well but then you went and blew it. I think that you will have to dig deep down and find the strength to face the consequences of your actions and your future with a brave demeanour. Do not do things to make your husband despise you. As I said, you have been holding up quite well and you must continue to do so..

 

I wonder if you took my advice and got a copy of " Psycho-Cybernetics". If not, I would urge you to do so. It may be a life saver for you. I would also urge you to visit some of the famous shrines I mentioned like Vaishno Devi. If you have heard of the word 'prayashchit' in Hindi then that is what you will have to do and it is best done at one of these shrines. Prayashchit translates in English to Penance and that will help unburden you of the tremendous guilt you are carrying around. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you so stay strong. Become proactive in your recovery or you will continue to have the kind of episodes like this last one. Warm wishes.

 

I didn't ignore your suggestion before. I have the book with me.

 

Are you in therapy?

 

Leave him alone. He has moved on emotionally and there is no coming back for him.

 

Yes I am. Here at Mumbai, getting appointment with a good counselor is tough. Waiting time for next appointment is pretty long. Had only 2 sessions till now.

 

 

Honestly i would advise you to stop these games of acting disinterested. The fact of the matter is you cant change what happened. You made a series of wrong choices.

You love your husband..i suggest you write him a long email apologising profusely. Tell him you want to stay married and you love him and want him back.

Promise to be an open book..let him have access to your phone and accounts if need be.

You're human and to err is human.

Go fight for your man. He loves you once he can love you again.

Dont bombard him with daily calls and messages but i suggest you pour out your heart to him in a long email and give him time to respond.

Believe me, he will.

 

I have already done that. I wrote him mails and letters. He didn't read them. And I don't have guts to ask him why he didn't read them.

 

 

For what it is worth, I do not think you made a mistake telling your husband that you wanted him to reconsider divorce. I thought you were going to say you contacted your exAP with your big mistake. How is it a big mistake to tell your husband you want to be married to him? Obviously you don't want to cross legal lines here but let him know you want him.

 

But that being said - I had an affair and the thing is that there is a reason why a person has an affair. Usually it is about lack of boundaries, lack of self esteem, sense of sense, etc but....usually there is a problem in the marriage. Something is wrong. It does not make it right, cheating, but if you don't address what makes you unhappy, you can't fix it and then where will you be?

 

I see you groveling for your husband to take you back. Let's say he does. He does not seem like he is going to sit down and ask you what made you unhappy. Are you really going to be okay just going back into the relationship sweeping it all under the rug? It all happened for a reason and if you don't understand why and address it, it will happen again.

 

Thanks. I am trying to understand what's broken inside me. My counselor thinks when I become emotionally vulnerable, I lose my sense of judgement. I don't cope well in emotionally charged situation.

[Deepremorse5]

My counselor thinks when I become emotionally vulnerable, I lose my sense of judgement. I don't cope well in emotionally charged situation.

My husband said my guilt was obvious to him. I was all tensed up and distant. He had a hunch and took action.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deep remorse, you have been given good advice here. I think Midnight blue is spot on as are others about your action in contacting your husband and their assessment of his thought process about you. If I am right your husband is someone who is able to keep his emotions under tight control. He certainly does not seem the effervescent type. As the saying goes "Still waters run deep". He is the type who will not display his emotions but will keep them bottled up and present a calm exterior. He would have made a good army general!

 

That said, let me be very clear that you have wounded him at the deepest levels of his soul. Obviously he cared very deeply for you and like Brutus you stabbed him in the back and the knife went through his heart. He is still hurting very badly but like the man he is, he is keeping it all inside and maintaining a calm and cheerful exterior. No doubt some time in the future he will have a melt down but it will be in solitude. He does not want to engage with you more than necessary because he does not want to start hating you for what you did. His meeting with you at your house and on a date were to get closure for himself and also to give you closure. So please let him be at peace and resolve his internal battles the best he can. It is obvious that he is very mature and is very deliberate in what he does unlike you. You are still very immature and you will need to work on that aspect of your personality to become a better adult.

 

Your counsellor seems spot on with his/her assessment of your vulnerability. I can recall two instances where this emotional quicksand has let you down. One was when you allowed your ex to browbeat you into an affair with him and the second was when you succumbed to your desire to contact your husband and ask him to stay the divorce proceedings. Both these instances point to a lack of emotional control at the most critical of moments in your life. You will have to work hard to plug this hole in your emotional psyche. It is good that you got the book Psycho-cybernetics. If you practice the principles laid down there diligently you will find that some of these character flaws will heal themselves naturally and without conscious effort on your part. By all accounts you will turn yourself into a new and vibrant version of yourself, someone who will naturally attract the right kind of people into her life. You have to soldier on and not expect drastic results overnight. However, in time you will emerge as a new person who her parents and friends will find it hard to recognize. Just keep at it. Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

. If I'm right your husband is someone who is able to keep his emotions under tight control. He certainly does not seem the effervescent type. As the saying goes "Still waters run deep". He is the type who will not display his emotions but will keep them bottled up and present a calm exterior. He would have made a good army general!

 

This is exactly how I get a feeling of his personality. It's actually a sign of maturity, self control and knowing how to choose your battles wisely. He has made a decision and seems firm on it. Not swaying from here to there. It's a deal breaker for him. Some decisions are made on practicality rather than emotions.

 

OP, leave him alone is all I'll repeat.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deep remorse, you have been given good advice here. I think Midnight blue is spot on as are others about your action in contacting your husband and their assessment of his thought process about you. If I am right your husband is someone who is able to keep his emotions under tight control. He certainly does not seem the effervescent type. As the saying goes "Still waters run deep". He is the type who will not display his emotions but will keep them bottled up and present a calm exterior. He would have made a good army general!

 

That said, let me be very clear that you have wounded him at the deepest levels of his soul. Obviously he cared very deeply for you and like Brutus you stabbed him in the back and the knife went through his heart. He is still hurting very badly but like the man he is, he is keeping it all inside and maintaining a calm and cheerful exterior. No doubt some time in the future he will have a melt down but it will be in solitude. He does not want to engage with you more than necessary because he does not want to start hating you for what you did. His meeting with you at your house and on a date were to get closure for himself and also to give you closure. So please let him be at peace and resolve his internal battles the best he can. It is obvious that he is very mature and is very deliberate in what he does unlike you. You are still very immature and you will need to work on that aspect of your personality to become a better adult.

 

Your counsellor seems spot on with his/her assessment of your vulnerability. I can recall two instances where this emotional quicksand has let you down. One was when you allowed your ex to browbeat you into an affair with him and the second was when you succumbed to your desire to contact your husband and ask him to stay the divorce proceedings. Both these instances point to a lack of emotional control at the most critical of moments in your life. You will have to work hard to plug this hole in your emotional psyche. It is good that you got the book Psycho-cybernetics. If you practice the principles laid down there diligently you will find that some of these character flaws will heal themselves naturally and without conscious effort on your part. By all accounts you will turn yourself into a new and vibrant version of yourself, someone who will naturally attract the right kind of people into her life. You have to soldier on and not expect drastic results overnight. However, in time you will emerge as a new person who her parents and friends will find it hard to recognize. Just keep at it. Warm wishes.

 

This is exactly how I get a feeling of his personality. It's actually a sign of maturity, self control and knowing how to choose your battles wisely. He has made a decision and seems firm on it. Not swaying from here to there. It's a deal breaker for him. Some decisions are made on practicality rather than emotions.

 

OP, leave him alone is all I'll repeat.

 

Yup. My husband has INTJ type personality. Not good at expressing emotions. That's why I am also concerned about his well being.

[jenkins95]

Sorry everyone. I made a big mistake yesterday. I was feeling very low. In a particularly vulnerable moment (midnight), I begged my husband to reconsider divorce over text. He read it but didn't reply. I panicked and made the situation even worse by calling him repeatedly after he didn't answer my call.

 

I guess I ruined everything. Hurt him again after I had promised him, I won't talk about reconsidering divorce again. I am so deeply wounded.

 

I am broken. I feel good whenever I write in this forum. Thanks for the advises though. Gives me some kind of direction.

 

Deepremorse5, I really want to give you a (((big hug))).

 

I did a similar thing to you, but have been much luckier. My wife offered me a chance at R, which I have grabbed with both hands. I am so sorry that this is not currently an option for you.

 

Please don't apologise to us. On one level, it's very understandable that you texted him in desperation as you did, even though it is regrettable and I know you wish you could take it back. Even though it may have hurt him, it leaves him in no doubt of the level of your regret and your desire to make things right. If you leave him alone now, respect everything he asks and make things easy in the months ahead, you just never know what the future may hold. There is a poster here (possibly Mr Blunt?), who took his former cheating wife back after four years because she behaved impeccably after the split, respected his space and showed no interest in any other man.

 

This doesn't always happen, it probably doesn't often happen. But it does occasionally happen and it may not take four years.

 

Give him space now and take care of yourself. You made bad decisions, no doubt. But you are not a bad person. I see a very caring, sensitive person in your posts. You can learn from this and recover. As midnight said, there was likely something wrong in your marriage that was making you unhappy. You may not even know what it was yet, but now's the time to do the soul searching. Dig deep and understand what happened and why. This was very true in my A. I think I understand exactly what made me unhappy pre-A (I wasn't so clear about it at the time) and now I have to work with my wife to find solutions to this.

 

You do have a future ahead of you and it could be a very bright one, whether he eventually comes back into your life or not. Take time to really look after yourself now and re-build yourself from the inside out. You can do it, and we are here.

 

Keep posting.

Edited June 12, 2017 by jenkins95

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jenkins, at the risk of a TJ may I ask what exactly were you referring to when you said you knew what exactly was wrong in your marriage present affair? I guess folks on here would like to know if it does not violate your privacy as that could be an important bit of information for both WSs and BSs as also folks in general. Thanks in advance.

[jenkins95]

Hi Jenkins, at the risk of a TJ may I ask what exactly were you referring to when you said you knew what exactly was wrong in your marriage present affair? I guess folks on here would like to know if it does not violate your privacy as that could be an important bit of information for both WSs and BSs as also folks in general. Thanks in advance.

 

Hi Just a Guy, thanks for reaching out to me!

 

Actually I will be starting a new post soon where I hope to thrash all this out. One thing I've learned is that I am an awful communicator, a conflict avoider and a people-pleaser. I bottle up my problems and stay quiet because I don't want to "bother" my wife. I now know how stupid this is - it led to disconnection, resentment and distance! These well-known major red flags in predicting marriage problems and possible future infidelity - exactly what happened in my case.

 

So you could say that this list of flaws, in itself, has been something I have identified as major issues in my marriage (lets call these issues A!). This is true, but underneath all that, there are also some very specific issues in my unique set of personal circumstances (issues B), which were not dealt with or even mentioned much due to issues A, if any of that makes sense!

 

So I will be looking at advice on how to overcome issues A (I'm already doing a lot on this), and then on how to use these new skills to attack issues B!

 

I will give you a nudge when I start to post this stuff. I know you guys will be great and will try to help me. You always do.

[DKT3]

For what it is worth, I do not think you made a mistake telling your husband that you wanted him to reconsider divorce. I thought you were going to say you contacted your exAP with your big mistake. How is it a big mistake to tell your husband you want to be married to him? Obviously you don't want to cross legal lines here but let him know you want him.

 

But that being said - I had an affair and the thing is that there is a reason why a person has an affair. Usually it is about lack of boundaries, lack of self esteem, sense of sense, etc but....usually there is a problem in the marriage. Something is wrong. It does not make it right, cheating, but if you don't address what makes you unhappy, you can't fix it and then where will you be?

 

I see you groveling for your husband to take you back. Let's say he does. He does not seem like he is going to sit down and ask you what made you unhappy. Are you really going to be okay just going back into the relationship sweeping it all under the rug? It all happened for a reason and if you don't understand why and address it, it will happen again.

 

There are issues in all marriages​. Most of the time those issues are present from day one, if they weren't enough to prevent marriage than it can't be the cause of the affair. More like justification.

 

Given there are issues, it's the responsibility of the spouse with the issue to make the other understand it's an issue, if bad enough that they may walk away.

 

In this case, I honestly don't think there was much of an issue in the marriage, only a very entitled wife/only child who believes she can do and have what she wants when she wants it. One who still has fully accepted​responsibility, say OM "forced" sex....we all know if she didn't want it, it wouldn't have happened.

 

So maybe he wouldn't ask her what made her unhappy, maybe she was unhappy, maybe just selfish and entitled. Which by the way is present in 100% of affairs.

[aliveagain]

Deepremorse5, you don't have to be married to have issues. How many people do you know that are single and happy, probably as few as me? I was a hell of a lot happier knowing that every morning when I woke up the familiar someone beside me loved me. I could not make that same statement after discovering her infidelity and the depth of her betrayal. This experience cost you dearly, please learn from it. Never give up hope but please take this time to work on yourself and make sure that he always knows how to find you.

[Deepremorse5]

Our marriage was fine. There were no issues. Like DKT mentioned, it's not the marriage, it was me who was at fault. I was just selfish.

 

My husband called me to discuss something regarding the divorce settlement. Anyway I said sorry for the text and calls. He said he is completely intolerant towards deception. For a whole month when we were together, he knew about the affair. He knew when I was lying. He says it's not the affair rather these moments which are driving him. Asked me not to have unreal expectations for a reconciliation.

 

He said he has moved on and I should move on too. Just out of curiosity I asked what he meant when he said he has moved on, he said I will get to know it soon.

 

Has he met someone? Is there another woman? Am so numb.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deep remorse, you have to let go of things. Your husband has made his position clear. Yes, he may be courting another woman now. If he says it's over for him believe him. If you keep wondering who he is meeting and what his intentions are you are going to hurt your self further. You played your hand and you lost. You have to respect your husband's decision and let him be. You are an adult and you have to start behaving like one. You have to start accepting responsibility for your actions and face the consequences like an adult.

 

Time is a great healer and a year down the line you will be feeling much better. Wish you the best.

[jenkins95]

Our marriage was fine. There were no issues. Like DKT mentioned, it's not the marriage, it was me who was at fault. I was just selfish.

 

My husband called me to discuss something regarding the divorce settlement. Anyway I said sorry for the text and calls. He said he is completely intolerant towards deception. For a whole month when we were together, he knew about the affair. He knew when I was lying. He says it's not the affair rather these moments which are driving him. Asked me not to have unreal expectations for a reconciliation.

 

He said he has moved on and I should move on too. Just out of curiosity I asked what he meant when he said he has moved on, he said I will get to know it soon.

 

Has he met someone? Is there another woman? Am so numb.

 

(((DeepRemorse)))

 

It's VERY unlikely that there is another woman IMO.

 

He probably means that you will soon start to receive cold, impersonal, official legal-type documentation and that some of your communication will be through legal people from now on. That would be my take on that particular comment.

 

It really sucks, DR. I'm sorry that you find yourself here. Yes, you made huge mistakes, but you are paying for it very dearly. I truly wish you all the best. Stay with us here.

[Deepremorse5]

(((DeepRemorse)))

 

It's VERY unlikely that there is another woman IMO.

 

He probably means that you will soon start to receive cold, impersonal, official legal-type documentation and that some of your communication will be through legal people from now on. That would be my take on that particular comment.

 

It really sucks, DR. I'm sorry that you find yourself here. Yes, you made huge mistakes, but you are paying for it very dearly. I truly wish you all the best. Stay with us here.

 

He has done that already in first two months.

[Deepremorse5]

Today my husband invited me for one last dinner before he moves to Germany. It was one of the most difficult moment of my life. I was crying as I just couldn't control my emotions. I guess this was the end.

Since it was my last chance, I apologized to him again but he said let's enjoy the moment and not talk about what has happened. How can he detach his emotions so easily?

He asked me if I wanted to keep our pets (We have 1 labrador and 1 Dalmatian). I always wanted that but was too scared to ask him that. I happily agreed. And we kissed (though I wanted more than just a kiss).

He has changed his appearance quite a lot. Grown a bread.

[DKT3]

Today my husband invited me for one last dinner before he moves to Germany. It was one of the most difficult moment of my life. I was crying as I just couldn't control my emotions. I guess this was the end.

Since it was my last chance, I apologized to him again but he said let's enjoy the moment and not talk about what has happened. How can he detach his emotions so easily?

He asked me if I wanted to keep our pets (We have 1 labrador and 1 Dalmatian). I always wanted that but was too scared to ask him that. I happily agreed. And we kissed (though I wanted more than just a kiss).

He has changed his appearance quite a lot. Grown a bread.

 

It doesn't sound like he is detached, but he is trying.

 

One thing I wish all cheating spouses would understand, your actions change your betrayed spouses, a little harder, a little less caring, a lot more guarded. His changed appearance is common.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deep remorse, has your husband left for Germany? If so, how are you faring? Are you attending work? Warm wishes.

[hammyy2k]

Today my husband invited me for one last dinner before he moves to Germany. It was one of the most difficult moment of my life. I was crying as I just couldn't control my emotions. I guess this was the end.

Since it was my last chance, I apologized to him again but he said let's enjoy the moment and not talk about what has happened. How can he detach his emotions so easily?

He asked me if I wanted to keep our pets (We have 1 labrador and 1 Dalmatian). I always wanted that but was too scared to ask him that. I happily agreed. And we kissed (though I wanted more than just a kiss).

He has changed his appearance quite a lot. Grown a bread.

 

i dunno if your story is real or not, but i sense something is weird in this story

 

sorry if i offended you anyway and hope you find condolence

[Deepremorse5]

i dunno if your story is real or not, but i sense something is weird in this story

 

sorry if i offended you anyway and hope you find condolence

 

Not at all. I have too left too out many details here so things may look weird. If you pinpoint,I would be able to clarify and get some valuable inputs from you.