Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[understand50]

Not at all. I have too left too out many details here so things may look weird. If you pinpoint,I would be able to clarify and get some valuable inputs from you.

 

Deepremorse5,

 

Do not bother. One has to realize that what we get here as a story is maybe 10%, all the twists and turn, your personality, your Ex's and finally you both being from India. If you got some help here fine and good. Leave it at that.

 

I wish you luck....

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deep remorse, has your husband left for Germany? If so, how are you faring? Are you attending work? Warm wishes.

 

Yes he has. After long time, I had an honest conversation with my husband during the dinner. I am doing just ok I guess. My desperation has turned into sadness. I had resigned from previous position. I have appeared for few job interviews but no job offer yet.

Thanks for checking in.

[Deepremorse5]

Today I got a call from my husband. We spoke for few minutes. At the end of conversation, he said you should visit here sometime. Why would he say that ? I want him to either absolutely hate me or love me. Anything in between is very painful.

[stillafool]

He didn't say we should visit here sometime? He is talking to you like a friend and in a matter of fact way. I think he's over it.

[ahmed8xm]

Today I got a call from my husband. We spoke for few minutes. At the end of conversation, he said you should visit here sometime. Why would he say that ? I want him to either absolutely hate me or love me. Anything in between is very painful.

 

You love him but cheated on him

 

It is also painful for him to understand this and its very confusing.

You guys were together for 4 years

Its hard to detach.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deep remorse, I am sorry that you still feel torn by the fact that your husband is divorcing/ has divorced you. A lot of time has passed between the discovery of your affair by your husband and where you are at present. You have to stop torturing yourself and accept that your marriage is over. Your love for your husband will probably last a lifetime even if you marry someone down the line. The kind of love you two shared is probably granted to some people once in many lifetimes. Your husband too, will probably love you for the rest of his life. His actions in the recent past have shown that. However, he is a man who is able to suppress his feelings with his rational way of thinking. For him the Laxman rekha was the lying to his face and the deceit that you perpetrated on him. Your actual affair might have been forgiven by him if you had confessed to him on your own. Thus for him that was a boundary he was not prepared to compromise with.

 

With that said you have to learn how to let go. Some of your pain stems from the fact that you are feeling very sorry for yourself but then, as an adult you have to accept the consequences of your choices and you made the choice to cheat on your husband. As I have said before, you must seek out your spiritual side to help you heal. I do hope you have been reading the book which I suggested and you procured as that will help your self esteem. You do not have to be religious to be spiritual. Most of us place a lot of emphasis on the material aspect of our existence and ignore our essence which is our spiritual side. Our souls live on forever and are just residents of our temporal bodies here on earth. Seeking out your spiritual side will help you forgive yourself for what you have done and thereby help you heal from the hurt that you have caused yourself. Read some books by authors like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Dr. Brian Weiss which will help you understand the spiritual part of your self. Hope some of this helps you. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Deepremorse...none of us knows why your husband seems to continue to reach out to you...we dont know what he is thinking...but i will say this....if you keep working on you...if you figure out what is within you that you allowed yourself to cheat on him and you face that demon and fix it....sometime in the future...if he feels you have done this and he feels you are safe ...he may be willing to have a relationship with you.

 

It may only be a friendship...but as long as he keeps reaching out to you...i do beleive he still cares in some way. He has never acted as though he hates you. He has been a very desisive man...strongly convicted and following through with his plan. None of us knows why he has done things the way he has...but i woud say most of us have admired him for doing so.

 

Sometimes the way to healing a broken marriage is to end it and start all over again.

 

You give him the time and space he needs...and you work on you and let time be your friend.

[aliveagain]

Through the storm the sun will shine, there is always hope. My suggestion is you contact him and make the necessary arrangements for a visit. Give him two dates that work for you, one that is 45 days out and one just before Christmas/New Years. If he chooses the earliest date then you will know he misses you as much as you miss him. Who says you have to be married to be together. He is in a new city and knows no one. What a great way to start a new memory, a new adventure. If he isn't married to you he can walk away anytime he wants. I believe in love but it doesn't mean anything if you can't be honest. I would test the waters.

[Trtroles]

I read a lot and most men didnt stay friends with ex-wife. They have minimal contact with them (just for the kids).

 

I dont want to give you false hope OP but I think he still sees you more then a friend.

 

My good friend divorced his wife for cheating but she keep working on herself,improving her life,stayed single for a long time. They started dating 18 months ago and to be honest they are happy right now.

 

We are in Frankfurt too so who knows maybe this will be your next destination .

 

Good luck.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deep remorse, I am sorry that you still feel torn by the fact that your husband is divorcing/ has divorced you. A lot of time has passed between the discovery of your affair by your husband and where you are at present. You have to stop torturing yourself and accept that your marriage is over. Your love for your husband will probably last a lifetime even if you marry someone down the line. The kind of love you two shared is probably granted to some people once in many lifetimes. Your husband too, will probably love you for the rest of his life. His actions in the recent past have shown that. However, he is a man who is able to suppress his feelings with his rational way of thinking. For him the Laxman rekha was the lying to his face and the deceit that you perpetrated on him. Your actual affair might have been forgiven by him if you had confessed to him on your own. Thus for him that was a boundary he was not prepared to compromise with.

 

With that said you have to learn how to let go. Some of your pain stems from the fact that you are feeling very sorry for yourself but then, as an adult you have to accept the consequences of your choices and you made the choice to cheat on your husband. As I have said before, you must seek out your spiritual side to help you heal. I do hope you have been reading the book which I suggested and you procured as that will help your self esteem. You do not have to be religious to be spiritual. Most of us place a lot of emphasis on the material aspect of our existence and ignore our essence which is our spiritual side. Our souls live on forever and are just residents of our temporal bodies here on earth. Seeking out your spiritual side will help you forgive yourself for what you have done and thereby help you heal from the hurt that you have caused yourself. Read some books by authors like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Dr. Brian Weiss which will help you understand the spiritual part of your self. Hope some of this helps you. Warm wishes.

 

I have started meditation. Helped me a lot in recently.

[Deepremorse5]

Deepremorse...none of us knows why your husband seems to continue to reach out to you...we dont know what he is thinking...but i will say this....if you keep working on you...if you figure out what is within you that you allowed yourself to cheat on him and you face that demon and fix it....sometime in the future...if he feels you have done this and he feels you are safe ...he may be willing to have a relationship with you.

 

It may only be a friendship...but as long as he keeps reaching out to you...i do beleive he still cares in some way. He has never acted as though he hates you. He has been a very desisive man...strongly convicted and following through with his plan. None of us knows why he has done things the way he has...but i woud say most of us have admired him for doing so.

 

Sometimes the way to healing a broken marriage is to end it and start all over again.

 

You give him the time and space he needs...and you work on you and let time be your friend.

 

You see my parents and my husband's parents were acquaintances before we met. After our relationship they became best of friends. They still have strong bond. After I spoke with my mother about this, I think my parents spoke with his parents about it. So I got know about certain things.

First he still cares about me. It's going to be very difficult for him to stop caring regardless of situation. But caring for him doesn't mean relationship or marriage. He can do it from far away.

I don't feel proud to say this. After things came out in open, I am not in best of my health. I have been admitted at hospital at least 3 times in last 3-4 months. Mostly during the time, I had absolutely no idea where he was. He confided in his parents that he fears I am not coping well to the situation. So whatever mixed confused behavior he is showing is no love but just sympathy.

 

Last time he called,like I had mentioned before in one post, 2 years back me and my husband took the responsibility to cover for the education of few orphaned children. Beyond monetary support, he is also a big moral support to them. Since he has moved abroad and new academic session has started, he just wanted to know if I can take the task to visit them more often and support them. I agreed. I also got his new number.

 

I am working on myself. Counselling sessions are pretty enlightening.

 

Ex-bf’s parents have tried to contact me again last week. I am not sure what has happened but they seemed pretty desperate to talk with my husband. I again asked for no contact again. Have to check with my legal rep if anything could be done.

[Deepremorse5]

Through the storm the sun will shine, there is always hope. My suggestion is you contact him and make the necessary arrangements for a visit. Give him two dates that work for you, one that is 45 days out and one just before Christmas/New Years. If he chooses the earliest date then you will know he misses you as much as you miss him. Who says you have to be married to be together. He is in a new city and knows no one. What a great way to start a new memory, a new adventure. If he isn't married to you he can walk away anytime he wants. I believe in love but it doesn't mean anything if you can't be honest. I would test the waters.

 

At this moment not doing anything where I may end up getting more hurt than before. I won't recover from that.

[Deepremorse5]

There is another thing that has happened recently. During the last dinner I had with my husband, he had asked about my job situation. I told him about the interviews. He didn't say anything after that. Few days ago I received a call from company X for an interview. I didn't think much about it until yesterday. Yesterday I had the interview. Thing is I think I have met the interviewer before. He looked so familiar. I just can't place him where. I think I might have met him at any one of the corporate parties I had attended with my husband. Not sure. And the interview was pretty light. Interview result is no yet published but I wonder if my husband has anything to do with it.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[Deepremorse5]

I got the offer. Some good news after so many days. But still not sure if my husband had anything to do with it or not.

[mikeylo]

I wouldnt be optimistic here rather look at it the way it is.

 

He has moved. He has asked you to visit.He gave you his new number.You got a job.

 

You are divorcing and I guess when one is outside their own country and divorcing, he doesnt want to land in any trouble with the law. So , he is being a kinda open book so that he doesnt get listed as absconding.

 

Of course he is smart !

[Deepremorse5]

I wouldnt be optimistic here rather look at it the way it is.

 

He has moved. He has asked you to visit.He gave you his new number.You got a job.

 

You are divorcing and I guess when one is outside their own country and divorcing, he doesnt want to land in any trouble with the law. So , he is being a kinda open book so that he doesnt get listed as absconding.

 

Of course he is smart !

 

I have my heart broken before when I put too much into things he was doing. I am too wounded to think about it again.

If what you said is true, I just feel bad that after giving him assurance that I would agree to fair terms in divorce, he is still trying to cover bases.

 

And I hate his lawyer. Never seen a man so cold and shrewd.

[mikeylo]

I have my heart broken before when I put too much into things he was doing. I am too wounded to think about it again.

If what you said is true, I just feel bad that after giving him assurance that I would agree to fair terms in divorce, he is still trying to cover bases.

 

And I hate his lawyer. Never seen a man so cold and shrewd.

 

He is being paid for it. He needs to get the job done.

 

At this point , for your ex husband, it doesn't matter what you say anymore. He is doing what he wants and needs to do. After all , you were cheating while ' saying ' a lot of stuff while married to him.

[aliveagain]

You may want to consider putting a restraining order on your ex boyfriend. He has a major role in destroying your marriage, nothing good can come from continued contact. For your own good cut the man out of your life.

[Cephalopod]

I have my heart broken before when I put too much into things he was doing. I am too wounded to think about it again.

If what you said is true, I just feel bad that after giving him assurance that I would agree to fair terms in divorce, he is still trying to cover bases.

 

And I hate his lawyer. Never seen a man so cold and shrewd.

 

I'm not going to beat you up anymore DR. I can only say that I am sorry you are going through this and my hope is that it goes through quickly for you. There is nothing good or nice or positive about divorce. Nothing. It is a blight upon humanity.

[Deepremorse5]

He is being paid for it. He needs to get the job done.

 

At this point , for your ex husband, it doesn't matter what you say anymore. He is doing what he wants and needs to do. After all , you were cheating while ' saying ' a lot of stuff while married to him.

 

I have no problem with his profession or anything. On my face he says to my husband that he is being too lenient with me and I need hard lessons. Every time he is there, we never reach an agreement. Not sure why my husband is still retaining him.

[Deepremorse5]

You may want to consider putting a restraining order on your ex boyfriend. He has a major role in destroying your marriage, nothing good can come from continued contact. For your own good cut the man out of your life.

 

I know. I have had no contact with him since. It's his parents who have tried to reach out to me first via a mutual friend then called me directly. Both times I have asked them not to contact me again. They want me to connect them with my husband. Not sure why. Didn't ask. Had told my husband about it the first time it happened. He didn't say anything to that.

[Buckeye2]

I have no problem with his profession or anything. On my face he says to my husband that he is being too lenient with me and I need hard lessons. Every time he is there, we never reach an agreement.

 

That's so he can keep billing your husband for the hours he spends. He gets paid for meetings where nothing is accomplished and gets to have more meetings.

[DKT3]

That's so he can keep billing your husband for the hours he spends. He gets paid for meetings where nothing is accomplished and gets to have more meetings.

 

Yes and no. I believe his job (one I believe he is doing very well) is not allowing his client to make poor emotional decisions that he will later regret. Her husband is clearly still in love and still making decisions to aide and protect her even when long term not in his best interests.

 

DR, a question, yow did you think this would end once you started having sex with someone who is not your husband?

[Cephalopod]

DeepRemorse more than anything, if you take away anything from this thread and your experience here, you need to grow up. Marriage is not a game. It is not a pastime. Marriage is a contract, a lifelong covenant, and if you are not mature enough to understand the seriousness of marriage and what it means for you and your life, then you should never get married again. It is not for everyone.

 

From my perspective, you threw away a good thing for nothing. Nothing. And that is a sign of immaturity more than anything else.

[Deepremorse5]

That's so he can keep billing your husband for the hours he spends. He gets paid for meetings where nothing is accomplished and gets to have more meetings.

 

I thot so. Again if this thought came to my mind, it would have definitely came to my husband too. Not sure.

 

Yes and no. I believe his job (one I believe he is doing very well) is not allowing his client to make poor emotional decisions that he will later regret. Her husband is clearly still in love and still making decisions to aide and protect her even when long term not in his best interests.

 

DR, a question, yow did you think this would end once you started having sex with someone who is not your husband?

 

I knew I was making wrong choices. After first time I had cried a lot. I knew if my husband would get slightest hint, he would find everything. Not sure what I was thinking that time after making bad choices again and again.

 

 

DeepRemorse more than anything, if you take away anything from this thread and your experience here, you need to grow up. Marriage is not a game. It is not a pastime. Marriage is a contract, a lifelong covenant, and if you are not mature enough to understand the seriousness of marriage and what it means for you and your life, then you should never get married again. It is not for everyone.

 

From my perspective, you threw away a good thing for nothing. Nothing. And that is a sign of immaturity more than anything else.

 

I know I have to live with the consequences for rest of my life.