Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Just a Guy]

What a sad story and how unnecessary! This is one 'Not Happily ever After' which just shouldn't have happened. But then stranger things have have happened where Humans are concerned.

[Deepremorse5]

What a sad story and how unnecessary! This is one 'Not Happily ever After' which just shouldn't have happened. But then stranger things have have happened where Humans are concerned.

 

Created my own storm and now I am sad that it's raining.

 

Not proud to say it, but I am turning into an online stalker. I regret stalking him online. But can' help it and find myself doing it again and again.

[Krtk]

Its ok and certain that your findings ways to see what's happening in his life without you but you need to understand it's of no use but pain you need to detach yourself from him atleast for sometime to clear your head and what your doing will not help you by any means you need distraction from this do something that involves you more eotionally and physically maybe a hobby or plan a trip with friends or family to find some peace ,what's your job status now

[QuietDan]

Consider everything experienced with this as learning lifes lessons the hard way. I think the healthiest thing for both of you is to detatch and move on in life. Hopefully you will not make the same mistake in the next relationship you get into.

[Deepremorse5]

what's your job status now

 

Starting from August 1

[misspalmy]

could going to church help?

[Just a Guy]

Hi mspalmy, the OP is a non Christian and so I guess that may be out of the question. I did advise the OP to visit some important religious institutions of her own religion. Not sure she did that but you are right, she needs to heal spiritually to help her overcome the deep injury she has dealt herself. I think the OP still has a long way to go as she has'nt emerged fully from the trauma she created for herself because of her affair. Hope she is able to pull herself together soon for her own sake. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

could going to church help?

 

Thanks for your suggestion.

[Deepremorse5]

Do you think it would be wise on my part to request my husband to once give us a chance to have an honest talk about things that had happened in last 6 months without the getting back together part. We never had any kind of talk regarding his feelings and I feel it would be healthy for both of us to put things out in open. My counselor suggested that he might be bottling up his feelings and this will hurt him emotionally. I don't mind being the dartboard.

[Cephalopod]

I think you need to respect his wishes.

 

If and when he wants to talk he'll talk.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, while your desire to meet up with your husband may spring from a genuine desire for closure for both of you and to be of help to your STBX husband, I think the timing may be a bit off. The hurt that your husband has suffered because of your infidelity is way too fresh in his mind and considering the kind of person he is, he has probably compartmentalized everything to do with your marriage infidelity and the resulting divorce and locked it away. Yes he may ne bottling it up but right now that is how he wants it. Your meeting up with him will only open up his wounds again and that is one reason he has ensured that there is a big physical distance between you two.

 

If you feel strongly that you need to address the issues surrounding your affair with your husband then maybe an indirect way like writing him a letter by snail mail where you can pour out your heart may be a better option. That will be something he can keep and re read at leisure many times over to assuage his own pain and maybe get his questions answered. I still think that it was not so much your infidelity as the lying to him that you resorted to which killed any desire he may have had in the future to reconcile with you. I think he said this in so many words from what I gathered in one of your posts. I think 'chasing' him in the way that you suggested may be counterproductive. At any rate as the saying goes "Look before you leap"! Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

Do you think it would be wise on my part to request my husband to once give us a chance to have an honest talk about things that had happened in last 6 months without the getting back together part. We never had any kind of talk regarding his feelings and I feel it would be healthy for both of us to put things out in open. My counselor suggested that he might be bottling up his feelings and this will hurt him emotionally. I don't mind being the dartboard.

 

Haven't been on here for a little while, my advice, go visit him, no expectations.

[Deepremorse5]

Haven't been on here for a little while, my advice, go visit him, no expectations.

 

The reason I am not going is I have expectations. Won't be able hide those feelings once we meet in person. But he will be here in India for his cousin's wedding soon. I am still undecided about going to the wedding.

 

 

I think you need to respect his wishes.

 

If and when he wants to talk he'll talk.

 

He will never talk. He always avoids emotionally charged situations.

 

 

Hi Deepremorse, while your desire to meet up with your husband may spring from a genuine desire for closure for both of you and to be of help to your STBX husband, I think the timing may be a bit off. The hurt that your husband has suffered because of your infidelity is way too fresh in his mind and considering the kind of person he is, he has probably compartmentalized everything to do with your marriage infidelity and the resulting divorce and locked it away. Yes he may ne bottling it up but right now that is how he wants it. Your meeting up with him will only open up his wounds again and that is one reason he has ensured that there is a big physical distance between you two.

 

If you feel strongly that you need to address the issues surrounding your affair with your husband then maybe an indirect way like writing him a letter by snail mail where you can pour out your heart may be a better option. That will be something he can keep and re read at leisure many times over to assuage his own pain and maybe get his questions answered. I still think that it was not so much your infidelity as the lying to him that you resorted to which killed any desire he may have had in the future to reconcile with you. I think he said this in so many words from what I gathered in one of your posts. I think 'chasing' him in the way that you suggested may be counterproductive. At any rate as the saying goes "Look before you leap"! Warm wishes.

 

Not sure if he has read the letters I had sent before.

[Krtk]

What do you think would be the outcome of visiting him without talking about getting back together you already in good terms with him and what are your expectation if it's a second chance why would you think he should give you a second chance put yourself on his position and think your married like 2 years or so that definitely not that much period like your tired of each other and you started having an affair with your exbf and most likely would have continued till date if not get caught because you have no intention to stop and its most likely to be continued this is your words not mine and the way you explained your husband he can do much better even without you and he's proving that he knows he can get a better girl a better life and all so why do you think he should consider a women who betrayed him, his love and their marriage

If he wants it he would have already done something about it he made his point again and again to you more clearly without trying to hurt you and your feelings more he wants to get out of this mess which is what he's doing and you must respect him and his wishes I think and now you sounds like more messed then before sorry to say it like that from accepting the facts to denying it over all wants everything to get back its oldself which wouldn't likely possible and obsessed over him thats not good for any one of you he may repulse you and avoid you completely mind it that would ruin any chance in future also you can visit him talk to him in general but I can say he's determined to move on if he gave you another chance that's great but Don't press it too hard it may collapse completely what the little you have for each other

[JS84]

Deep how are you holding up??

[LivingWaterPlease]

Deep, I think it's odd, given the situation, given how you describe him, and given the choices he's made, that he suggested for you to come see him. It doesn't add up to me. Seems he's done everything he can to put distance between the two of you and has done it very quickly. Then to suggest you visit him? No, doesn't add up to me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Deep, I think it's odd, given the situation, given how you describe him, and given the choices he's made, that he suggested for you to come see him. It doesn't add up to me. Seems he's done everything he can to put distance between the two of you and has done it very quickly. Then to suggest you visit him? No, doesn't add up to me.

 

Agreed...the whole story doesn't add up to me...but it has gone on for pages and pages..so is it me who is blind?

 

This man was no nonsense...cut and dried...concise....decisive....and yet the Ex wife still maintains she has hope...and she can convince him to take her back.

 

betrayed men who can make this kind of decision quickly...no questions asked...don't change their mind. They are done...they move on.

 

This man moved to another country to escape this woman. Does he truly mean his invitation come and visit me? NO

 

If he sends you a ticket...he pays for your accomadations....and asks you to come visit him...that's one thing.

 

If he says...oh come visit me sometime...he is being nice..and could care less is he ever sees you again.

 

I am with you LWP...it does not add up.....

[DKT3]

I just think she is grasping at any rate of light.

 

I don't think it's odd giving the caring nature of her husband. The move was something he only put off because of her.

[Cephalopod]

She needs to spend about ten more years of growing up before she marries again.

[Deepremorse5]

Deep, I think it's odd, given the situation, given how you describe him, and given the choices he's made, that he suggested for you to come see him. It doesn't add up to me. Seems he's done everything he can to put distance between the two of you and has done it very quickly. Then to suggest you visit him? No, doesn't add up to me.

 

It was not a "I miss you, please visit me". It was more like " Frankfurt is awesome, you should visit here."

 

He hasn't communicated since that call.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It was not a "I miss you, please visit me". It was more like " Frankfurt is awesome, you should visit here."

 

He hasn't communicated since that call.

 

Which you would say to a complete stranger. That was not an invitation .. that was a statement.

 

Coca Cola is great you should taste it. Did that mean I was buying you one to try? Nope

[DKT3]

Which you would say to a complete stranger. That was not an invitation .. that was a statement.

 

Coca Cola is great you should taste it. Did that mean I was buying you one to try? Nope

 

I think she knows this and I believe she even said it a ways back.

 

Deep, it's time to start moving forward with out him in your future. The truth is your husband's reaction is how MOST men react to being cheated on. Here, on these websites, men are represented by the select few that stay. It's very slim that he will desire to reconcile with you. Grieve and move on, it's the healthy thing to do. Don't analyse his ever word or action as any sign of anything. Just let go. The hurt will fade.

[Deepremorse5]

Which you would say to a complete stranger. That was not an invitation .. that was a statement.

 

Coca Cola is great you should taste it. Did that mean I was buying you one to try? Nope

 

I understand. If he would have ever said I miss you, I want you to come here, I would have traveled in a heart beat without asking questions.

[Deepremorse5]

Deep how are you holding up??

 

Just ok I guess. Started a new position m Aug 1st.

 

Thanks for asking

[pheonixrisen]

I just read through this ..

 

I always wonder Why most ws feel guilty/remorse/pain of loss/wrong /right after an affair comes out and not during.

 

Your marriage as is ...is over

 

Take a year off from him from this whole situation and get help

 

Instead of being a mess ...a pitiful crying woman ..go get your self right build better boundaries, and learn how to handle situation better .and when you have a healthy leg to stand on when you are strong ,and are able to understand wrong from right and are better able to handle situation ....then you can visit your ex h and see if you can start from ground zero.

 

He does not require a woman with unhealthy boundaries plus a weak sobbing woman ...your actions were not a mistake it was a choice you made daily a conscious act of betrayal daily so get off your pity party and get some work done .

 

You are going on about how you will not be able to handle if he dates other woman ..at the very least he has given you the courtesy to divorce before taking that step....you did not give him the same courtesy. So what he does after is not your business

 

He has not closed all doors no matter his actions for divorce .so instead of woe is me ...let him know you are getting help and you are going to be the strong good woman he deserves .

 

Before you beg and plead get your self right .and when you feel you have grown up and learned pack a bag and fight for him ...if he already has someone else by then walk away .if not then he is fair game .