Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Mrs. John Adams]

There are certainly men here who walked away and later remarried their wayward wives. It can and does happen. But in each of those cases I am thinking about...the wayward wife did a lot of soul searching and repairing the damage they had done not only to their betrayed spouses but to themselves.

 

I am confident...if those wayward wives had not done the work...there would have been no future in those broken relationships.

 

I understand seeking advice and help from forums...a forum helped me tremendously. But as I read and understood I also worked on myself to become a better person...a better partner...a better wife.

 

I am hoping that remorse is not just keeping her thread alive by feeding the sharks...I hope she is really DOING something to make herself a better person...and if in the future her husband decides to give her another chance...she has done the work and is ready to be the kind of wife he deserves...and if he has moved forward with his life without her...perhaps there will be another man in her future ready to take a chance on her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It was not a "I miss you, please visit me". It was more like " Frankfurt is awesome, you should visit here."

 

He hasn't communicated since that call.

 

OK, this makes more sense to me. I'd misunderstood as to believe he was inviting you to visit him.

[understand50]

Deepremorse5,

 

I think for your own good, you need to accept the consequences of your own actions. You cheated, you lost your husband over your cheating. Right now, the best thing you can do is work on yourself, so next time you are married, and in love, you will not hurt the man you love.

 

Accept that he is gone, and you made it happen. There are no do overs in life. You can not undo what has happened. A person who realizes that the only thing left, that they can give is to let the other go. If you have any love left for your ex husband, give this to him. If there is any hope for you, it is for him to realize, not you.

 

I wish you luck....

[Sweetfish]

I understand. If he would have ever said I miss you, I want you to come here, I would have traveled in a heart beat without asking questions.

 

 

I read thru this..

 

Your making excuses and its the fear that holds you back is my guest...not the fact if he craves for you or not. If you know anything about INTJ or INFJ I suggest you look up door slam. It is up to you to make the moves and gain trust. Its very rare for an INTJ to rebuild the relationship after the cord is severed . You have to build up the trust and regain it. If you do not make an effort to rebuild that trust you don't have a chance and as time passes it gets worse. INTJ are very detailed and willing to understand your side as well..

[Deepremorse5]

I read thru this..

 

Your making excuses and its the fear that holds you back is my guest...not the fact if he craves for you or not. If you know anything about INTJ or INFJ I suggest you look up door slam. It is up to you to make the moves and gain trust. Its very rare for an INTJ to rebuild the relationship after the cord is severed . You have to build up the trust and regain it. If you do not make an effort to rebuild that trust you don't have a chance and as time passes it gets worse. INTJ are very detailed and willing to understand your side as well..

 

Thanks for your words. It's too late. He has moved on.

[merrmeade]

Deepremorse5,

 

I think for your own good, you need to accept the consequences of your own actions. You cheated, you lost your husband over your cheating. Right now, the best thing you can do is work on yourself, so next time you are married, and in love, you will not hurt the man you love.

 

Accept that he is gone, and you made it happen. There are no do overs in life. You can not undo what has happened. A person who realizes that the only thing left, that they can give is to let the other go. If you have any love left for your ex husband, give this to him. If there is any hope for you, it is for him to realize, not you.

 

I wish you luck....

This is totally where I am about WSs. Remorse is great, desirable, the goal. But you cannot expect - even with perfect, deep, insightful remorse - not to have consequences. Not only should you expect it, you NEED it - and I mean that in the kindest, most humane sense possible. Whether the BS or a whole group of BSs wish that or is not the point. There's a whole aspect of WS redemption that MUST pass through the pain of consequences. Otherwise, there's no change. No growth. No renewal.

 

I truly believe that learning that acceptance is what turns a cheater into a humble, compassionate, giving human being because you can no longer expect or assume that pleasure and immediate gratification are harmless or your birthright. Not that it's evil in its own right either, but you do have to pause before taking and just make sure no one will be hurt.

 

And the clarity that comes with opening your heart and mind to your own truth is the beginning of a more rewarding liberation imo. Clarity earned from such painful memories and, finally, acceptance takes on the job of keeping guard of the heart's future wanderings and reining it back in.

 

Sorry if that devolved into preaching. I hate that. So just take what makes sense for now.

[Just a Guy]

I guess the whole point of life on Earth is to learn lessons. This is one of them. Painful as it is it is something that had to be undergone. There is a cliche adage which states "No pain no gain"! There is another adage which may be applicable in the OP's case which states "No use crying over spilt milk". What's done is done and as Merrmeade has said she would have to bear the pain of the consequences for change, growth and renewal to take place.

 

Deepremorse, I'm sure that by now your emotions have settled down and you have started accepting your consequences as something inevitable. I think, more than anything else, you will have to develop a sense of acceptance of your situation rather than constantly bemoaning it. Learn to meditate, develop your spiritual side and calm your mind. Wish you the very best going forward.

[Cephalopod]

Thanks for your words. It's too late. He has moved on.

 

Respect him and let him go. You never know, maybe if fate has its way the two of you may meet far off down the road in the future and maybe at that time you will have grown enough and learned enough to be a safe partner, and maybe he will have healed and forgiven you.

 

 

In the meantime, get to the bottom of your issues through therapy to learn what motivates you to destroy these relationships. Something is going on with you and you need to find out what it is. That way you will be a safe partner for the next man you fall in love with. And you will fall in love again.

[Deepremorse5]

Respect him and let him go. You never know, maybe if fate has its way the two of you may meet far off down the road in the future and maybe at that time you will have grown enough and learned enough to be a safe partner, and maybe he will have healed and forgiven you.

 

 

In the meantime, get to the bottom of your issues through therapy to learn what motivates you to destroy these relationships. Something is going on with you and you need to find out what it is. That way you will be a safe partner for the next man you fall in love with. And you will fall in love again.

 

I have stopped contacting him. He hasn't contacted me either. My emotions have kind of stabilized but internally I am still hurt from self inflicted wounds. Going back to work helped me a lot.

 

I am not that regular here anymore. But every time I think things are settling down, something happens that stirs up matter again. Ex-BF's parents found my in-laws and reached out to them. They have requested to speak with my husband once. Not sure what they want.

[Deepremorse5]

Thought I will update. Things are going ok I guess. Not sure what he is up to. He doesn't have much of a presence in the social media to know what's going on with him. I texted him once, he replied after 3 days. Early this month, lot of unknown things came out. Got to know that ex-bf had a gf the whole time. The marriage which he was claiming as an arranged marriage and that he was forced to speak with the girl was a lie. They were in a relationship for more than year by the time we got involved. Can't believe I am so gullible and foolish.

 

Recently court passed a judgement where they have removed the mandatory 6 months reconciliation period. For mutually consented divorce there will be no more reconciliation period. I fear that I will hear from his lawyer any moment to go ahead with the final petition. Not sure how I would cope with the moment.

 

Th reason I am back here: His birthday is coming up, I am feeling anxious thinking about it. I want to do something but again certain things hold me back. Any advice would be appreciated.

[alsudduth]

 

Th reason I am back here: His birthday is coming up, I am feeling anxious thinking about it. I want to do something but again certain things hold me back. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Right now, a simple text wishing him a happy birthday is sufficient. No more, no less.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thought I will update. Things are going ok I guess. Not sure what he is up to. He doesn't have much of a presence in the social media to know what's going on with him. I texted him once, he replied after 3 days. Early this month, lot of unknown things came out. Got to know that ex-bf had a gf the whole time. The marriage which he was claiming as an arranged marriage and that he was forced to speak with the girl was a lie. They were in a relationship for more than year by the time we got involved. Can't believe I am so gullible and foolish.

 

Recently court passed a judgement where they have removed the mandatory 6 months reconciliation period. For mutually consented divorce there will be no more reconciliation period. I fear that I will hear from his lawyer any moment to go ahead with the final petition. Not sure how I would cope with the moment.

 

Th reason I am back here: His birthday is coming up, I am feeling anxious thinking about it. I want to do something but again certain things hold me back. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Wait, your H was having an affair with OW before your own affair began?

[anika99]

Wait, your H was having an affair with OW before your own affair began?

 

No, she was talking about her affair partner. She said ex-bf, not ex-husband.

[DKT3]

Wait, your H was having an affair with OW before your own affair began?

 

No, to he guy she was sleeping with had a girlfriend, he told her he was being forced to marry her but wasn't. Not sure what it has to do with anything.

[Deepremorse5]

Not sure what it has to do with anything.

 

That a****** sent me a one-liner apology letter.

 

I texted about this to my husband (only contact since his call) and he replied with just an "ok" after 3 days.

[merrmeade]

I started to write a Reply Post then found my other post saying exactly what I was about to say. Only this time I'll add:

We grieve loss; it's a human condition and painful. You lost something suddenly, and the fact that you weren't prepared probably threw you into shock to some extent. You had little time to anticipate his reaction before you were forced to suffer the consequences of your actions. It's harder because you have the layer of guilt added to it.

 

I feel compassion for anyone suffering; it's also a human condition. But I've also learned that it is not compassionate to help someone out of suffering for their own consequences - whether a child or an adult. It's a necessary part of life. You will be a better person and will create a new life that you are proud of and love. You must and that is my wish for you.

 

And to the point of your question about contacting your ex, you sound much better than you did a few months (weeks?) ago. You're getting better!

[Deepremorse5]

I started to write a Reply Post then found my other post saying exactly what I was about to say. Only this time I'll add:

We grieve loss; it's a human condition and painful. You lost something suddenly, and the fact that you weren't prepared probably threw you into shock to some extent. You had little time to anticipate his reaction before you were forced to suffer the consequences of your actions. It's harder because you have the layer of guilt added to it.

 

I feel compassion for anyone suffering; it's also a human condition. But I've also learned that it is not compassionate to help someone out of suffering for their own consequences - whether a child or an adult. It's a necessary part of life. You will be a better person and will create a new life that you are proud of and love. You must and that is my wish for you.

 

And to the point of your question about contacting your ex, you sound much better than you did a few months (weeks?) ago. You're getting better!

 

 

I am trying. Sometime I feel defeated sometime I feel positive. It's not easy. I texted a simple birthday message to him. It's been already 5 days and he hasn't replied to that. I won't deny, it hurts.

[JS84]

Thanks for keeping us updated. Glad you're hanging in there.

[Deepremorse5]

Glad you're hanging in there.

 

I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.

[Sweetfish]

I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.

 

 

We all make mistakes... just learn from them.

[merrmeade]

I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.

Yes, you will though the pain of it will lessen. That is the nature of emotional pain. That is what betrayed spouses have learned. It will help you, perhaps, to remember that it won't always be this intense, that it is necessary - and that it is bearable.

[road]

I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.

 

There is a time when you have to stop beating

yourself up. You need to heal as much as your BS

does.

[Deepremorse5]

We all make mistakes... just learn from them.

 

Yes, you will though the pain of it will lessen. That is the nature of emotional pain. That is what betrayed spouses have learned. It will help you, perhaps, to remember that it won't always be this intense, that it is necessary - and that it is bearable.

 

There is a time when you have to stop beating

yourself up. You need to heal as much as your BS

does.

 

I am really trying to fix whatever is wrong in me. It's a tough journey. But still I am cyber stalking my husband. Can't help it.

 

Got to know that one of my friends is seriously pursuing my husband. It hurts me. She knows about my feelings for him and still, she didn't care. Guess she was never a friend. She has added him on facebook.

 

BTW got a thank you reply from my husband after 20 days for the b'day wish I had sent.

[aliveagain]

I am really trying to fix whatever is wrong in me. It's a tough journey. But still I am cyber stalking my husband. Can't help it.

 

Got to know that one of my friends is seriously pursuing my husband. It hurts me. She knows about my feelings for him and still, she didn't care. Guess she was never a friend. She has added him on facebook.

BTW got a thank you reply from my husband after 20 days for the b'day wish I had sent.

 

May I ask why does it matter at this point? You threw him away for some cheap thrills(what does that say about you?), you keep coming up with excuses for not going to see him and now your pissed at a former friend who thinks more of him then she does of you. She knows and values a good thing when she sees it and she's doing something about it. If only you put as much effort on things that are constructive in your life instead of things that destroy your life your life would be so much happier. Work on yourself, he deserves to be happy, you don't know what happiness looks like yet. I hope you find out soon. This is my observation and I have intentionally stayed off your blog because stating the obvious isn't always helpful but I just had to speak my mind in hopes of getting through to you.

[Deepremorse5]

May I ask why does it matter at this point? You threw him away for some cheap thrills(what does that say about you?), you keep coming up with excuses for not going to see him and now your pissed at a former friend who thinks more of him then she does of you. She knows and values a good thing when she sees it and she's doing something about it. If only you put as much effort on things that are constructive in your life instead of things that destroy your life your life would be so much happier. Work on yourself, he deserves to be happy, you don't know what happiness looks like yet. I hope you find out soon. This is my observation and I have intentionally stayed off your blog because stating the obvious isn't always helpful but I just had to speak my mind in hopes of getting through to you.

 

I understand what you had mentioned before regarding having a way into his thinking style. But I feel if I go there after just a passing invitation (i felt it that way), he would think I am imposing on him to take me back.

 

I consider her a good friend. I know I had friends in my circle who would be very happy to take a shot at him but not her. I kind of trusted her.