Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[QuietDan]

I understand what you had mentioned before regarding having a way into his thinking style. But I feel if I go there after just a passing invitation (i felt it that way), he would think I am imposing on him to take me back.

 

I consider her a good friend. I know I had friends in my circle who would be very happy to take a shot at him but not her. I kind of trusted her.

So... You are saying... She is cheating on you? You feel a little bit hurt and betrayed over this? At this point?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, I have been avoiding posting on your thread for some time and actually I was happy that it had gone quiet for a while because I was under the impression that you were really working on yourself and trying to put the memories of your ex husband and your short lived marriage in a watertight box in your mind, not to be opened again because it would be like opening a Pandora's box. That would have meant that you were letting go and moving on with your life. I had suggested exactly that as it is the only way that you are going to be able to overcome the trauma and tragedy of your broken marriage. However, for some reason you are not willing to overcome your self destructive desire to let go of your husband and the memories of your marriage. If that be the case then all I can say is that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartbreak.

 

You have to accept the fact that your ex husband is now a free man and he is likely to to find himself a new partner in the future. If it is any consolation to you I can say that having had a glimmer of his personality from what you have written about him in the past, he will not entertain your friend even though she may want to ensnare him. He will likely find himself a partner as far removed from you and your friends as possible as he would not like to be reminded of you in any way. This is because he has also been hurt deeply although he has presented a strong exterior. I am assuming he was well acquainted with this friend of yours while still married to you as you two would have interacted with each others friends on a social basis. If that be the case he would know that you two were close to each other and whatever else your ex husband may do I get the feeling that he would not go out of his way to hurt you by doing something like this.

 

As far as your ex husband and your marriage are concerned, you should treat it in the same way you would as if he had been killed in an accident and you were widowed. You would have undergone a grieving period and then you would have gradually let go of memories or, better still, locked them away in an attic in your brain marked "Personal and Confidential: Not to be opened under any circumstances except by me" or some such wording. That way you would have dealt with the pain and sorrow and then you would have moved on. Your ex husband has proven that he has the emotional strength to have done just that. Now you need to do the same. I wish you the very best going forward but please do stop hurting yourself unnecessarily.

[Deepremorse5]

So... You are saying... She is cheating on you? You feel a little bit hurt and betrayed over this? At this point?

 

Hi Deepremorse, I have been avoiding posting on your thread for some time and actually I was happy that it had gone quiet for a while because I was under the impression that you were really working on yourself and trying to put the memories of your ex husband and your short lived marriage in a watertight box in your mind, not to be opened again because it would be like opening a Pandora's box. That would have meant that you were letting go and moving on with your life. I had suggested exactly that as it is the only way that you are going to be able to overcome the trauma and tragedy of your broken marriage. However, for some reason you are not willing to overcome your self destructive desire to let go of your husband and the memories of your marriage. If that be the case then all I can say is that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartbreak.

 

You have to accept the fact that your ex husband is now a free man and he is likely to to find himself a new partner in the future. If it is any consolation to you I can say that having had a glimmer of his personality from what you have written about him in the past, he will not entertain your friend even though she may want to ensnare him. He will likely find himself a partner as far removed from you and your friends as possible as he would not like to be reminded of you in any way. This is because he has also been hurt deeply although he has presented a strong exterior. I am assuming he was well acquainted with this friend of yours while still married to you as you two would have interacted with each others friends on a social basis. If that be the case he would know that you two were close to each other and whatever else your ex husband may do I get the feeling that he would not go out of his way to hurt you by doing something like this.

 

As far as your ex husband and your marriage are concerned, you should treat it in the same way you would as if he had been killed in an accident and you were widowed. You would have undergone a grieving period and then you would have gradually let go of memories or, better still, locked them away in an attic in your brain marked "Personal and Confidential: Not to be opened under any circumstances except by me" or some such wording. That way you would have dealt with the pain and sorrow and then you would have moved on. Your ex husband has proven that he has the emotional strength to have done just that. Now you need to do the same. I wish you the very best going forward but please do stop hurting yourself unnecessarily.

 

Even though it's painful but I have accepted the fact that he will find another girl. The concerned friend is one of them with whom I have confided about my indiscretion. It's not easy to speak about your bad life choices but I did it anyway as I trusted them and I felt I could use some support. So it hurts that she did this.

[BTDT2012]

What do you describe as 'seriously pursuing'?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, I think you are missing the wood for the trees. Look at your reality the way it exists today. You are divorced and your ex husband has distanced himself physically from you. You are hanging on to some tattered hope that he will somehow magically forgive you and take you back. Well miracles do happen so I wont write that off but the chances are dim and in the meantime you have a life to live. Work on yourself to rid yourself of your flaws, become an improved version of yourself, get rid of all this baggage that is weighing you down and become a desirable woman once more. Look at it this way. You were like an ugly, greedy caterpillar eating your way to your own selfish happiness and then you spun yourself a cocoon(affair) and finally after a period of time you have emerged a beautiful butterfly, radiant and carefree to be appreciated by one and all. Try and be that butterfly. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

What do you describe as 'seriously pursuing'?

 

I know her well to see what she is doing. I think she is trying to connect with him since last month. What Just a Guy mentioned is true. My husband is not responding to her texts online. Recently she became friends with his sister in Fb and commenting on her posts regularly. FYI my husband loves his elder sister and listens to what she has to say.

 

I know I can't explain in words but you know when someone else is trying to hit on your partner.

 

Hi Deepremorse, I think you are missing the wood for the trees. Look at your reality the way it exists today. You are divorced and your ex husband has distanced himself physically from you. You are hanging on to some tattered hope that he will somehow magically forgive you and take you back. Well miracles do happen so I wont write that off but the chances are dim and in the meantime you have a life to live. Work on yourself to rid yourself of your flaws, become an improved version of yourself, get rid of all this baggage that is weighing you down and become a desirable woman once more. Look at it this way. You were like an ugly, greedy caterpillar eating your way to your own selfish happiness and then you spun yourself a cocoon(affair) and finally after a period of time you have emerged a beautiful butterfly, radiant and carefree to be appreciated by one and all. Try and be that butterfly. Warm wishes.

 

We are not yet divorced. I know he has put a boundary between us and I have respected that most of the time. It will take some time for me to put him away from my heart and mind. FYI now he is @ Mumbai for Diwali. I hope to meet him but haven't heard anything from him. Didn't even get a diwali wish. So I don't want to impose anything on him. I know some of you will say go and meet him. But if he rejects my advances, I will fall back to place from where I won't recover. I am now @ somewhat better place than I was 3 months back and hope to maintain status quo. Btw earlier he was more of a pretty face but now he looks super hot with beards. It's so hard to resist.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, firstly wish you a very happy Diwali. I know it won't feel very happy for you this year but at least it is something to help lift your spirits. Secondly, I think it is very wise of you not to reach out to him or contact him as that would only show you in a poor light to him and he is only likely to pity you which to my mind is something very negative. Tighten your belt and maintain your dignity. Your husband will respect you for it. Let your friend keep trying her best to ensnare him but take it from me it won't happen. In the mean time try and mentally distance yourself from your husband and try and cultivate a new set of friends. If possible move out to a new city where you can make a new set of friends who would not know anything about your earlier life.

 

I wonder if you have tried meditation? It should help you a lot. iIn any case I wish you all the best going forward. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

He stayed here for 5 days and left without a Hi or Hello. :( Do I deserve such a punishment? I thought we could be cordial after he said he will never ever hate me. :(

[aliveagain]

He stayed here for 5 days and left without a Hi or Hello. :( Do I deserve such a punishment? I thought we could be cordial after he said he will never ever hate me. :(

 

 

 

I would say that he is sending you a very strong message. Years after my ex and I divorced I went on a trip to Las Vegas where she now lives. I was there for 4 days and never contacted her. She found out about it and messaged me through a mutual friend that she was hurt by my actions and all I remember thinking at the time was I am done with you and you no longer hold that kind of position that demands that kind of respect from me. I was sending her a very strong message, we are not friends and never will be. You have no children together, there is no need to be in contact unless it is about the divorce. I think he is moving on. That is what happens when you divorce, you detach from the person that causes you pain.

[Deepremorse5]

I would say that he is sending you a very strong message. Years after my ex and I divorced I went on a trip to Las Vegas where she now lives. I was there for 4 days and never contacted her. She found out about it and messaged me through a mutual friend that she was hurt by my actions and all I remember thinking at the time was I am done with you and you no longer hold that kind of position that demands that kind of respect from me. I was sending her a very strong message, we are not friends and never will be. You have no children together, there is no need to be in contact unless it is about the divorce. I think he is moving on. That is what happens when you divorce, you detach from the person that causes you pain.

 

I remember you had mentioned before of having an insight of him how he would behave as both of you have the similar personality. I had sent him the link to this thread. Do you think he would have read this or still reading this??

[DKT3]

He stayed here for 5 days and left without a Hi or Hello. :( Do I deserve such a punishment? I thought we could be cordial after he said he will never ever hate me. :(

 

It's not punishment it's consequences. My heart really goes out to you because you really seem to be stuggling with this. Lesson learned, never risk what your unwilling to part with.

[40somethingGuy]

I remember you had mentioned before of having an insight of him how he would behave as both of you have the similar personality. I had sent him the link to this thread. Do you think he would have read this or still reading this??

 

 

It sounds like the ship has sailed. However, once you accept this and give you time to work on yourself, do you think you could love another man again and this time stay 100% committed with unconditional love and fidelity?

[Cephalopod]

He stayed here for 5 days and left without a Hi or Hello. :( Do I deserve such a punishment? I thought we could be cordial after he said he will never ever hate me. :(

 

He is maintaining what little sense of personal honor and sense of manhood he has left. He needs to maintain his self-respect, and for him that means completely cutting ties with the woman who shattered him.

 

 

His actions should foster your respect for him, not sadness for yourself.

[DKT3]

He is maintaining what little sense of personal honor and sense of manhood he has left. He needs to maintain his self-respect, and for him that means completely cutting ties with the woman who shattered him.

 

 

His actions should foster your respect for him, not sadness for yourself.

 

Oh I guarantee her respect for him has skyrocketed over the past few months...the evidence is in her highly charged attraction for him.

[Cephalopod]

Oh I guarantee her respect for him has skyrocketed over the past few months...the evidence is in her highly charged attraction for him.

 

Funny how that works. OP wants what she cannot have.

 

 

It reminds me of my own xWW. She told me many years after our divorce that she was never more attracted to me then when I was ripping her to shreds in our custody hearing. Isn't that funny how that works?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ceph, it's not funny. That's just the way it is. People respect those who respect themselves and who display emotional strength of an uncommon kind. The OP's husband is doing just that. In fact i am continually amazed at his mental and emotional strength in the way he has been able to move on from this sad situation. I am sure that internally he must be hurting very badly but externally he has maintained a calm, unruffled and yet indifferent attitude toward his WW. Usually people become vindictive and spread all kinds of vicious stories about their WS because they are hurting so much. However by displaying indifference he has indicated to her that his moving on is final and that she does not figure in his scheme of things any more. All advice to the OP to do the same seems to be falling on deaf ears but as a colloquial saying here, where I live, goes, " You cannot clap with one hand". Once the OP realizes that she is wasting precious emotional energy on a mirage she will also reluctantly come to the same conclusion. Warm wishes.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Deepremorse5]

It's not punishment it's consequences. My heart really goes out to you because you really seem to be stuggling with this. Lesson learned, never risk what your unwilling to part with.

 

You are right. I am still struggling with this. What makes it worse is that he has been very polite. I am carrying too much confusion and agony with me. And probably having my job because of him.

 

It sounds like the ship has sailed. However, once you accept this and give you time to work on yourself, do you think you could love another man again and this time stay 100% committed with unconditional love and fidelity?

 

Right now I can't imagine myself with anyone else. Hope with time things will improve. But I wonder if I will ever forget my husband and truly love someone else.

 

Hi Ceph, it's not funny. That's just the way it is. People respect those who respect themselves and who display emotional strength of an uncommon kind. The OP's husband is doing just that. In fact i am continually amazed at his mental and emotional strength in the way he has been able to move on from this sad situation. I am sure that internally he must be hurting very badly but externally he has maintained a calm, unruffled and yet indifferent attitude toward his WW. Usually people become vindictive and spread all kinds of vicious stories about their WS because they are hurting so much. However by displaying indifference he has indicated to her that his moving on is final and that she does not figure in his scheme of things any more. All advice to the OP to do the same seems to be falling on deaf ears but as a colloquial saying here, where I live, goes, " You cannot clap with one hand". Once the OP realizes that she is wasting precious emotional energy on a mirage she will also reluctantly come to the same conclusion. Warm wishes.

 

it's not easy to forget a person who has impacted your life. You won't imagine how many times I picked up my phone to give him a call and then backed out during his stay last week. Now I am getting little better in controlling my emotions.

[aliveagain]

 

it's not easy to forget a person who has impacted your life. You won't imagine how many times I picked up my phone to give him a call and then backed out during his stay last week. Now I am getting little better in controlling my emotions.

 

Well here you are, you still have your pride because you keep letting it interfere. Did you not forget the person who impacted your life, how can you be unfaithful to that person if you don't forget him at least while your with the other man? We didn't put you in this position, your husband didn't put you in this position, hell, even the O/M didn't do this to you, he only took what you offered. You chose this and it is important you understand why you did so you can be a safe partner in the future. Find out why you woke up that morning with the knowledge you were going to risk everything that you now find so dear to you. You know exactly which moment I'm talking about, you'll remember it the rest of your life.

 

You implied you would do anything to save your relationship with your soon to be ex husband yet every time I made a suggestion that involved you eating your pride and going out to see him you chose your pride. Just my opinion but there is no room for pride when your begging for another chance. You risk everything you have based on what you value his worth to you. That's what I would want to see if I was your husband regardless of reconciliation or divorce. The only people that will know what you were willing to do will be you and your husband. We tell people here not to believe a word coming out of the mouth of their cheating spouse but to only believe their actions. Actions don't lie. Cheaters do. Does it matter if your husband reads here or not? Don't use this post to try and manipulate him, use it to learn from. Work on yourself because you don't really know who your husband is yet, if you did you wouldn't have squandered such an amazing opportunity.

[Cullenbohannon]

Well here you are, you still have your pride because you keep letting it interfere.

 

You implied you would do anything to save your relationship with your soon to be ex husband yet every time I made a suggestion that involved you eating your pride and going out to see him you chose your pride. Just my opinion but there is no room for pride when your begging for another chance. You risk everything you have based on what you value his worth to you. That's what I would want to see if I was your husband regardless of reconciliation or divorce. The only people that will know what you were willing to do will be you and your husband. We tell people here not to believe a word coming out of the mouth of their cheating spouse but to only believe their actions. Actions don't lie. Cheaters do. Does it matter if your husband reads here or not? Don't use this post to try and manipulate him, use it to learn from. Work on yourself because you don't really know who your husband is yet, if you did you wouldn't have squandered such an amazing opportunity.

 

I have also wondered what kind if remorse this is. I have never read about a WW who was remorseful that would not jump on any opportunity for a second chance.

 

When you finally met him after Dday, you RAN and hid. When the opportunity presented itself to see him in Germany, you made a bunch of excuses. And now when the man was so close to you for 5 days, you picked up the phone but did not dial And actually complained that he did not call you!!

 

I get you have lot of anonymous posters on this forum telling you to quit, give up and leave him be. And they will probaly strongly disagree with this post. One from your home country.

 

Most of us have lost someone we truly love because of our misdeeds. The begging, pleading, promising, stalking is something that you MUST do. Regardless of your crime, deep inside, the love was important to you.

 

Not only did you treat your husband as unimportant in the affair, you continue to treat him and your marriage as unimportant. You gave no effort. None. You risked so much with your AP, but you risked nothing for a second chance with your husband. ?

 

I don't think you ever loved your husband. I don't think this marriage was ever important to you. No one should have been able to tell you not to pursue your H, if your heart screamed at you to do so.

 

Before you go to IC and figure out why you cheated, look in the mirror and ask yourself why you didn't even try. Remorse or regret.

 

What did you really lose. Was it your forever love?

 

Or was it your pride.

[Cephalopod]

I only disagree with her contacting him for the sole reason that she has not worked on her issues enough or changed enough in her core behaviors to be ready for a second chance with him.

[Deepremorse5]

Why I am not doing?? He asked me not to do it.

Pleading, begging.....anything that will make him uncomfortable is off the table. His lawyer has verbally communicated this to me twice. I have been specifically asked not to communicate unless necessary. Now you all can understand why i hate his lawyer.

 

I am willing to let go any pride left in me, fall on his knees and beg for another chance. I know he will just stand up and leave. Begging won't work on him.

[Cullenbohannon]

Why I am not doing??

I am willing to let go any pride left in me, fall on his knees and beg for another chance. I know he will just stand up and leave. Begging won't work on him.

 

Your acceptance of failure is and has been your go to excuse

 

You didnt have to beg, but a pleasant trip to Germany or a little fun time together during your 5 day holiday may have been a possiblity. Maybe not a second chance, but it may have been seen as a little of the so called "heavy lifting"

 

And didn't your H break the NC rule?

 

You either really love the man and will do anything to regain him, even if you might fall flat on your face, or you dont and are just venting on a forum.

 

One scenario is the definition of remorse and the other is the definition of regret. Look deep inside and figure it out. If you still have a "but" then listen to your countryman and let everything die, quickly. Unfortunately, I may be terribly wrong and the answer may he obvious.

 

Auf wiedersehen fraulein, I shall wish you well.

Edited October 28, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Deepremorse5]

Your acceptance of failure is and has been your go to excuse

 

You didnt have to beg, but a pleasant trip to Germany or a little fun time together during your 5 day holiday may have been a possiblity. Maybe not a second chance, but it may have been seen as a little of the so called "heavy lifting"

 

And didn't your H break the NC rule?

 

You either really love the man and will do anything to regain him, even if you might fall flat on your face, or you dont and are just venting on a forum.

 

One scenario is the definition of remorse and the other is the definition of regret. Look deep inside and figure it out. If you still have a "but" then listen to your countryman and let everything die, quickly. Unfortunately, I may be terribly wrong and the answer may he obvious.

 

Auf wiedersehen fraulein, I shall wish you well.

 

I respect your viewpoint. It's not that I don't want to do it. Probably begging and pleading is the easiest thing I could do right now. But I know my husband, he is not going to appreciate this at all. He is kind of a person who likes things his own way. Most of the things we have are customized to our tastes. He likes that kind of control over things around him. If he is uncomfortable with certain things, he gets pretty vocal about it. Right now he wants to stay away from me. Back in june, I had sent him few texts pleading to give me another chance, his lawyer called me up to say not to do that. And we met for dinner after that incident and he didn't mention anything regarding that.

 

Actually, it's kind of funny how he handles emotional moments. He fast-forwards emotional scenes in the movies saying they are stupid. Even though he is very calm and composed, he processes his emotions internally in his own way. Hope you understand why flooding him with emotional pleadings won't work. If I will do that he will cut me out forever. I have seen him do it to others so I don't want to be in those shoes.

 

Regarding him breaking NC, there was no mention ever if he can call me or not. He called to discuss something regarding a property we have. Other things he discussed were after that. I am happy that at least he called not his shrewd legal rep.

Edited October 28, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[JS84]

I think you're doing the right thing if he's made it clear what his boundaries are and you respect them. It's not like he's been giving you the silent treatment for a few days while he slept on the couch. He picked up and moved to an entirely different country, established clear boundaries, and maintained NC with no sign of changing.

 

Anything is possible but I think you're just going to have to give it time until you can really accept he's not coming back. If he had pulled the usual BS behavior you see on forums like this ie: waffling between R and D, being indecisive, taking action too slowly, not taking action out of fear, etc basically if he was still around and with you and things just slowly ran their course until things ended you'd be able to handle it better emotionally. But for you he was basically there one minute, gone the next. Most BS do not do this. Most WS don't have to go through that type of shock.

 

Don't expect too much of yourself so soon and don't be too hard on yourself. On the flip side don't indulge too much in self-pity either. Use that as motivation to work on yourself to prevent you from ever doing this again. Because just as I'm sure you don't think it's possible you'd ever do this again, I'm sure at one point you never thought you'd do it to begin with.

[Just a Guy]

Hi DeepRemorse, after reading your post detailing your husband's attributes, tastes and his emotional make up and from what you have written earlier about how he has conducted himself after your D Day, I am getting a picture of a man who wants to stay on top of the situation at all times and is someone with tremendous emotional control. What emerges is that he has a very clear idea of what he wants and he goes for it. He wanted you and that is why he married you. What I find surprising is that you knew that your husband had these characteristics and that he was someone who would not compromise on his principles and yet you were brazen enough to have an affair right in the public domain ( walking around malls with your AP) where there was every chance of you being spotted by someone you knew and who would report back to your husband. Apart from that you knew that if you were caught you would not have a hope in hell of getting him to forgive you for your transgression because of the kind of personality he had.

 

My question to you is why did you do it? You have had quite sometime since your D Day to reflect on the reasons as to why you sabotaged your marriage and what was your thought pattern that allowed you to do something that you knew would doom your marriage. It would be interesting to know your line of thinking and your justification at the time for allowing yourself to do something which has now left you shattered. You do not have to answer if you don't want to but I think it would be cathartic for you to address those issues head on because that is where there is a kink in your personality which needs to be ironed out. Warm wishes.