Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Cullenbohannon]

One of the things my fiancee and I have noticed is the stark difference between posters who have sufferered severe consequences versus those who have not. A lot of WS, whose BS stayed and attempt to reconcile, talk about the AP and the affair. Those who wake up in the morning to a empty bed, divorce proceedings, selling the house, splitting the children and dealing with lawyers, do not greive the AP. They have no time. There is no limerance or fog. It is unlikely you will grieve someone, that has destroyed you.

 

It is unfortunate that some must learn lessons the hard way. The likelihood that this OP would ever cheat again, is near zero. Trying to figure out the why, may be pointless.

 

Tnose who are deep in the affair, fighting to get out, or dwelling on the AP during reconcilliation, should instead read and say to yourself , "There, but for the grace of God, go I"

[Deepremorse5]

Have you not yet seen him? in those few cases you did have contact,how was that going,did he reach out ?write a very emotional letter maybe,you open up totally,but really,not to get him back but to tell what is on your heart

If he loves you maybe one day or even in a year,two he might forgive you and you can proove yourself,but now its too early.If its meant to be it will ,but you need to accept most probably this is the end.Not saying you do not regret this,you will maybe even regret till your death but some people see this as a dealbreaker...and if there is a chance its only when time heals the wounds

I have met him few times. He ghosted me after the d-day for nearly 2 months. Came around after that.

 

He understands logical language better than emotional language, so emotional letter won't work with him. Already did this. Not sure if he read them.

 

I am changing myself. I have let go alcohol (one of the reason I am in this mess). He always wanted that. He believes in making decisions right. He has made his decisions and won't sway. My head knows this, heart is just not accepting this. I feel he still loves me, he will someday forgive me and give me another chance. And I have to work to earn that forgiveness.

[Colin Grant]

Hi Deep:

 

I have followed your thread for a few days and felt compelled to register today and respond with my first post. Should you read this, I hope it helps, as that's my only intention, ....... to help.

 

1) As you move forward with your life, eventually you will heal enough to get the urge to date again. You can't see it now, but it'll come. Many young women and men, do not fully understand or are aware of the character traits they should be looking for and cherishing in a mate. Simple immaturity in many cases causes young people (and older unfortunately) to kind of overlook people with outstanding character, or take them for granted. Humility, Contentment, Dependability, Grit, Determination and Diligence, Patience, Honesty, Courage, Compassion, Self-Discipline and Impulse Control, Gratitude and Respect are just a few. These are common words, but are not commonly held in people. I can't state it factually, but your comments and peripheral actions and discussion surrounding your ex lead me to believe he valued and carried quite a few of these traits. People who practice and seek to live a high character life are exceptional regardless of how much they make or how successful. Should you place great value on character, the possibility of infidelity is greatly decreased or made nearly impossible in some cases.

 

Despite his pain, your ex revealed humility, grit, determination and diligence, patience, courage, compassion, self-discipline, impulse-control and respect. Seek to find a man like this again, but give it the importance it deserves. By the way,high character supersedes physical appearance, so that tall Russian you saw in the picture ......... can be swatted away like a fly by a high-character woman. High character can make an ordinary woman look beautiful and an ordinary man look like a king. Once you have someone like this, your recognition of how special they are can help cancel harmful actions detrimental to the relationship. Furthermore, if or when you seek and greatly value living a high-character life, the strongest of bonds will have been made. I know this seems really trite, elementary and boring and I know I sound like a parent but it's the foundation of admiring, respecting and loving another. Seek this in others and become what you seek.

 

2) To the best of your ability, imagine your husband having a long term affair with your girlfriend (the one you think is pursuing your ex). Because you haven't experienced it for real, but are just imagining it, you'll far significantly short from feeling your ex's pain. Your stomach may have gotten queasy on two occasions, once when you first noticed your friend reaching out to your ex on FB and the second when you saw him in a pic with the tall, beautiful Russian. You've stated many times, your fear of seeing him with someone else. If you feel this way from only SEEING him with someone, imagine how he feels knowing someone someone repeatedly fxxxed his wife. That hurt me just typing this. The emotional pain gap between you seeing someone with him and him knowing someone sexxed you (his wife) for years cant even be comprehended .......... As painful as that is, until you feel it, you won't come close to coming within any measurable distance to where his emotional state was, is and may continue to be some time. It's a hurt that may exceed yours by a long distance. That may help put some things in perspective.

 

I hope this helps you, as intended. May peace be with you.

[adna89]

I have met him few times. He ghosted me after the d-day for nearly 2 months. Came around after that.

 

He understands logical language better than emotional language, so emotional letter won't work with him. Already did this. Not sure if he read them.

 

I am changing myself. I have let go alcohol (one of the reason I am in this mess). He always wanted that. He believes in making decisions right. He has made his decisions and won't sway. My head knows this, heart is just not accepting this. I feel he still loves me, he will someday forgive me and give me another chance. And I have to work to earn that forgiveness.

 

Then work on changing,he is intelligent so you can not get him by these kind of actions.You can get him only if he sees you are changed not for him but for yourself not him

Edited November 13, 2017 by adna89

[Mind-Chants]

You know what they say about INTJs.... you start the game, they finish it and you are not going to like how they end it.

 

Reading through your thread I got a feeling that you still have no idea how he got back at you and no idea about what he will do next. Your love might be sincere but it lacked the depth to hold it forever. If I go by the trends, you are most likely very pretty as most handsome guys have their pick in terms of physical appearance. If my assumption is right then you will always have options. It's been more than a month since you last posted, I sincerely hope things have moved in right direction for you.

 

Wish u luck.

[Deepremorse5]

You know what they say about INTJs.... you start the game, they finish it and you are not going to like how they end it.

 

Reading through your thread I got a feeling that you still have no idea how he got back at you and no idea about what he will do next. Your love might be sincere but it lacked the depth to hold it forever. If I go by the trends, you are most likely very pretty as most handsome guys have their pick in terms of physical appearance. If my assumption is right then you will always have options. It's been more than a month since you last posted, I sincerely hope things have moved in right direction for you.

 

Wish u luck.

 

What I did was definitely not pretty.

 

You are right, I have no idea what he wants or will do. I have always followed his lead and still doing the same. Whatever he will say/do, I will agree. The only consolation for me is that I know he still has my best interests in his mind (hopefully in his heart) while making decisions under current circumstances. I couldn't see the big picture initially but now I see that.

 

Then work on changing,he is intelligent so you can not get him by these kind of actions.You can get him only if he sees you are changed not for him but for yourself not him

 

Since the last time I posted here, he has not contacted me. I tried reaching out once when he came for a weekend visit to meet his family but he too busy. Our 6 months reconciliation period is already over and I am waiting to hear from him or his lawyer. The realization of the fact that we might get divorced any time now scares me a lot. Not sure why but I have this feeling that the day we would get divorced will be last time I will ever speak with him or see him. I wish I had more time before we are officially divorced.

 

 

Hi Deep:

 

I have followed your thread for a few days and felt compelled to register today and respond with my first post. Should you read this, I hope it helps, as that's my only intention, ....... to help.

 

1) As you move forward with your life, eventually you will heal enough to get the urge to date again. You can't see it now, but it'll come. Many young women and men, do not fully understand or are aware of the character traits they should be looking for and cherishing in a mate. Simple immaturity in many cases causes young people (and older unfortunately) to kind of overlook people with outstanding character, or take them for granted. Humility, Contentment, Dependability, Grit, Determination and Diligence, Patience, Honesty, Courage, Compassion, Self-Discipline and Impulse Control, Gratitude and Respect are just a few. These are common words, but are not commonly held in people. I can't state it factually, but your comments and peripheral actions and discussion surrounding your ex lead me to believe he valued and carried quite a few of these traits. People who practice and seek to live a high character life are exceptional regardless of how much they make or how successful. Should you place great value on character, the possibility of infidelity is greatly decreased or made nearly impossible in some cases.

 

Despite his pain, your ex revealed humility, grit, determination and diligence, patience, courage, compassion, self-discipline, impulse-control and respect. Seek to find a man like this again, but give it the importance it deserves. By the way,high character supersedes physical appearance, so that tall Russian you saw in the picture ......... can be swatted away like a fly by a high-character woman. High character can make an ordinary woman look beautiful and an ordinary man look like a king. Once you have someone like this, your recognition of how special they are can help cancel harmful actions detrimental to the relationship. Furthermore, if or when you seek and greatly value living a high-character life, the strongest of bonds will have been made. I know this seems really trite, elementary and boring and I know I sound like a parent but it's the foundation of admiring, respecting and loving another. Seek this in others and become what you seek.

 

2) To the best of your ability, imagine your husband having a long term affair with your girlfriend (the one you think is pursuing your ex). Because you haven't experienced it for real, but are just imagining it, you'll far significantly short from feeling your ex's pain. Your stomach may have gotten queasy on two occasions, once when you first noticed your friend reaching out to your ex on FB and the second when you saw him in a pic with the tall, beautiful Russian. You've stated many times, your fear of seeing him with someone else. If you feel this way from only SEEING him with someone, imagine how he feels knowing someone someone repeatedly fxxxed his wife. That hurt me just typing this. The emotional pain gap between you seeing someone with him and him knowing someone sexxed you (his wife) for years cant even be comprehended .......... As painful as that is, until you feel it, you won't come close to coming within any measurable distance to where his emotional state was, is and may continue to be some time. It's a hurt that may exceed yours by a long distance. That may help put some things in perspective.

 

I hope this helps you, as intended. May peace be with you.

 

I will keep that in mind.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Merry Christmas to all. Hope you will have a good time with your near and dear ones.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, seems like you are in a better place, emotionally than before. That is good and you should keep working on it. I think time is a great healer and so as time passes so will your pain subside and you will come to accept whatever life has in store for you. Painful as this experience has been it is of great value to you as it has opened your eyes to the flaws within you of which you were unaware before. It is only when brutal reality hits us in the face that we realize what our real strengths and weaknesses are and how we hold up under pressure.

 

In any case as you wish others on this forum a Merry Christmas I would think the rest of us would wish you too the very best in this season of joy and love. So cheer up and keep up your good work. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, seems like you are in a better place, emotionally than before. That is good and you should keep working on it. I think time is a great healer and so as time passes so will your pain subside and you will come to accept whatever life has in store for you. Painful as this experience has been it is of great value to you as it has opened your eyes to the flaws within you of which you were unaware before. It is only when brutal reality hits us in the face that we realize what our real strengths and weaknesses are and how we hold up under pressure.

 

In any case as you wish others on this forum a Merry Christmas I would think the rest of us would wish you too the very best in this season of joy and love. So cheer up and keep up your good work. Warm wishes.

 

Thanks. Wish you all a happy and prosperous 2018.

 

I texted my husband on 1st Jan wishing him the best. To my surprise, he replied back and wished me the same. But still no word on divorce proceedings. It's making me anxious. Could there be any reason for why he is delaying it when he himself wanted it??

[usa1ah]

Hey DR5, Only your husband can answer this question. Just keep working on yourself like you have been and wait to see what he does. You can drive yourself crazy if you keep going in circles with it.

 

Happy New Year.

[Deepremorse5]

Hey DR5, Only your husband can answer this question. Just keep working on yourself like you have been and wait to see what he does. You can drive yourself crazy if you keep going in circles with it.

 

Happy New Year.

 

Our marriage anniversary is approaching. That's why I am nervous about it. I know it doesn't hold much significance now but we are still married and I want to show that this marriage still means a lot to me.

[understand50]

Deepremorse5,

 

IF you really love him, you will let it go and let him go. You are too wrapped up in how this effects you. It is him you hurt, until you realize this, you have no chance. Let him go. File yourself, end it. This is the only loving thing you can do for him, and demonstrate that you "get" it. DO something for him, give him the gift of freedom from you.

 

I wish you luck......

[DKT3]

Deepremorse5,

 

IF you really love him, you will let it go and let him go. You are too wrapped up in how this effects you. It is him you hurt, until you realize this, you have no chance. Let him go. File yourself, end it. This is the only loving thing you can do for him, and demonstrate that you "get" it. DO something for him, give him the gift of freedom from you.

 

I wish you luck......

 

I second this.

 

Deep, my wife and I were in this position. After a while she completely backed off. Every few months she would, in a small way let me know she still wanted us. But for the most part she left me alone, and we had two kids.

 

In time my stance softened and I started slowly letting her back in.

 

Just back off, it he has a change of heart, he will let you know.

[Deepremorse5]

Deepremorse5,

 

IF you really love him, you will let it go and let him go. You are too wrapped up in how this effects you. It is him you hurt, until you realize this, you have no chance. Let him go. File yourself, end it. This is the only loving thing you can do for him, and demonstrate that you "get" it. DO something for him, give him the gift of freedom from you.

 

I wish you luck......

 

I second this.

 

Deep, my wife and I were in this position. After a while she completely backed off. Every few months she would, in a small way let me know she still wanted us. But for the most part she left me alone, and we had two kids.

 

In time my stance softened and I started slowly letting her back in.

 

Just back off, it he has a change of heart, he will let you know.

 

I have let him go. Didn't bother him at all for months. The new year wish was the only communication in last 3 months.

 

If I will file, he will take it as I am not interested at all and disappear permanently. He is different. Underlying emotions to any action is completely useless to him. He will see it logically as in she filed, so she is not interested. Let me close this chapter and move to next. He does it really fast.

 

I might be wrong in the way I am thinking right now. But these are the only few opportunities that I have right now with me to show that I am still willing to do whatever he wants before he permanently puts an end. If he says to stay away forever, I am willing to do it. But he has to convey the same.

[road]

I second this.

 

Deep, my wife and I were in this position. After a while she completely backed off. Every few months she would, in a small way let me know she still wanted us. But for the most part she left me alone, and we had two kids.

 

In time my stance softened and I started slowly letting her back in.

 

Just back off, it he has a change of heart, he will let you know.

 

How long before you started dating your WW again?

 

Did she date during this time she was waiting for you?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I have let him go. Didn't bother him at all for months. The new year wish was the only communication in last 3 months.

 

If I will file, he will take it as I am not interested at all and disappear permanently. He is different. Underlying emotions to any action is completely useless to him. He will see it logically as in she filed, so she is not interested. Let me close this chapter and move to next. He does it really fast.

 

I might be wrong in the way I am thinking right now. But these are the only few opportunities that I have right now with me to show that I am still willing to do whatever he wants before he permanently puts an end. If he says to stay away forever, I am willing to do it. But he has to convey the same.

 

I believe it is a show of respect for him to leave the choice up to him whether and when to divorce or not.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, for your current dilemma, I have only one answer. Follow his lead. Let him decide. On your anniversary I would be very careful about sending him any wishes. If he chooses to wish you then only should you respond.

 

If you still insist on sending him some reminder then it should be something generic like 'Have a good day' or something similar. There should be nothing about your anniversary. I say this because you have repeatedly said he reacts logically to everything and he may just think you are reminding him of the anniversary because you are clinging on to hopes of getting back with him. I may be wrong here but it is a risky situation and you should play your cards very carefully indeed. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, for your current dilemma, I have only one answer. Follow his lead. Let him decide. On your anniversary I would be very careful about sending him any wishes. If he chooses to wish you then only should you respond.

 

If you still insist on sending him some reminder then it should be something generic like 'Have a good day' or something similar. There should be nothing about your anniversary. I say this because you have repeatedly said he reacts logically to everything and he may just think you are reminding him of the anniversary because you are clinging on to hopes of getting back with him. I may be wrong here but it is a risky situation and you should play your cards very carefully indeed. Warm wishes.

 

Couldn't get myself to send him anything. Thought it would be a very selfish move. Also I was scared of how he would react. He didn't greet. My MIL called and spoke. It seems that he is super busy with work and he might have to relocate to NYC. I figured that might be the reason for divorce proceedings being on hold. But NYC is good news for me as we have an office there.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Couldn't get myself to send him anything. Thought it would be a very selfish move. Also I was scared of how he would react. He didn't greet. My MIL called and spoke. It seems that he is super busy with work and he might have to relocate to NYC. I figured that might be the reason for divorce proceedings being on hold. But NYC is good news for me as we have an office there.

 

Wise decision, seems to me. How kind of your MIL to call you! Good news about his relocation to NYC since you have an office there. Are you there often?

[Deepremorse5]

Wise decision, seems to me. How kind of your MIL to call you! Good news about his relocation to NYC since you have an office there. Are you there often?

 

Been there only once but I can try for an offshore position. The management is very supportive. If I drop a request they might consider. But all this depends on him. It's not final for him and I don't have much information about his current status.

I have special bond with my MIL. I was there with her every moment when she had some serious health issues. And I trust her blindly.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Been there only once but I can try for an offshore position. The management is very supportive. If I drop a request they might consider. But all this depends on him. It's not final for him and I don't have much information about his current status.

I have special bond with my MIL. I was there with her every moment when she had some serious health issues. And I trust her blindly.

 

Beautiful to read, Dr! How very wonderful!

[Deepremorse5]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and views. Appreciate all of you for sharing your life experiences and wisdom.

[Deepremorse5]

Thought I will give an update.

 

Early next month, I am visiting Frankfurt to meet my husband. Earlier he had asked me to visit and now he is moving to NYC, so I thought I could go there and see around with him. I hope things will be better.

 

The reason I am posting again is: things happened so smoothly that it is beyond my belief. The moment I said I would like to visit, he immediately said yes. Knowing that it's him, I can't believe this is happening. I mean I have a gut feeling that something will go wrong and it's not allowing me to be happy about it. I have a feeling that my expectations would get crushed. But again I didn't have any expectation. I was expecting to get a divorced woman tag by end of last year. But here I am still waiting for him to put the final papers. With him agreeing for me to come down there is moving my emotional balance. I knew he would be busy as he has to handover everything next month and move to NYC. But still he agreed to take time out from his schedule. It has never happened before when we were together. I mean he enjoyed success at a very young age but it did cost him his personal time. For him, work comes way above in priority list and I feel he has changed now or someone else who is in his life may have changed him.

 

 

## Thanks to the moderators for reopening the thread.

[aliveagain]

Very good news, just be yourself, follow his lead, go there with no expectations and have fun. Your both in a foreign city depending on each other, don't let the pressures from back home interfere. That is a huge change.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, this is very good news. Just remember to keep your head and do not get too emotional about things. Your husband is very level headed and I doubt he would be appreciative of any histrionics on your part. You have had a whole year to think things over and to understand why you did certain things the way you did. This will help you answer any questions that come up in an even handed and level headed manner.

 

Please do keep us updated as to how things go with you two and I hope you have a good time in Frankfurt. Please be restrained in every way and I think you will come out a winner. As always, let your husband take the lead. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

Remember to be totally honest with him in all things. Don't get pushy with him. Let him lead.