Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Colin Grant]

I have low hopes for us becoming a couple again. Marriage is something I haven't thought about at all. But I have come to accept these facts. He is moving to NYC. A city full of pretty and gorgeous women. My chances are next to nothing. Plus things are not moving for the request I had dropped for the transfer to NYC office.

 

You made horrible decisions that led to the end your marriage

You realized it and bared your soul to LS,your family, his family and your husband.

You tried your best to accept responsibility and stay married. Yes, you made mistakes along the way but you pursued your wants with a fervor.

Infidelity evokes an emotion no one can seemingly predict as to how they will react. Some maintain it's a deal-breaker, and it turns out it's not. With others, it's the end. You just happened to marry a man who was firm and decisive with his decision. Many BH's offer to reconcile, you just happen to marry one who didn't. You spared no pride or ego in your efforts to reconcile and you can at least say, you gave it your all.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Colin Grant

[Cullenbohannon]

I have low hopes for us becoming a couple again. Marriage is something I haven't thought about at all. But I have come to accept these facts. He is moving to NYC. A city full of pretty and gorgeous women. My chances are next to nothing. Plus things are not moving for the request I had dropped for the transfer to NYC office.

 

I really don't understand your thought process. This man has left the door open, time and time again. He asked you why did you not come see him 8 months ago. He has delayed the divorce 3 times and will probably do it again if you visit him a few more times. When asked why he said yes to your visit, he said "because I know you love me and I want to make you happy" Okay.

 

You words portray your husband as ruthless, but his actions do not show a man who is in a hurry to divorce.

 

Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

 

If deep down you don't want the marriage, then leave him be. But if you want him as a man, husband and father to your children, stop with the pity party and do a little heavy lifting. He left the door open. Take another step.

 

Getting on the phone and asking when would be a good time for another visit, seems like a good start. This isn't a question of hope. It is a question of effort.

 

Oh and we all want to know. Did you sleep together?

Edited March 14, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Deepremorse5]

I really don't understand your thought process. This man has left the door open, time and time again. He asked you why did you not come see him 8 months ago. He has delayed the divorce 3 times and will probably do it again if you visit him a few more times. When asked why he said yes to your visit, he said "because I know you love me and I want to make you happy" Okay.

 

You words portray your husband as ruthless, but his actions do not show a man who is in a hurry to divorce.

 

You are just reading the verbatim as he told. But the question didn't come with expressions or face that suggested he missed me. He was more of a curious why suddenly I accepted it.

 

I think the reason for him delaying the divorce is something to do with the legal technicalities of mutual consent divorce rather than him giving me another chance. It was a firm and clear statement that he also repeated there about divorce.

 

Also, he is two completely different people when he is in person and otherwise. Throughout our 4 year relationship, I have seen that. Can't equate something he does other time to what he does when he is present with you. The things he says as stupid on phone, he will do them in person.

 

Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

 

If deep down you don't want the marriage, then leave him be. But if you want him as a man, husband and father to your children, stop with the pity party and do a little heavy lifting. He left the door open. Take another step.

 

Getting on the phone and asking when would be a good time for another visit, seems like a good start. This isn't a question of hope. It is a question of effort.

Oh and we all want to know. Did you sleep together?

 

I meant he looked happy. I don't want to disturb his peace of mind. Plus he is moving, so not a good idea to impose me on him again.

 

But I did put it out that I will try to correct myself and be a safe partner later in life but he has to give me a chance to prove it. He said he will see. Even though I wanted to discuss "us" before/ during the affair, he didn't want so I dropped it. He was clear that he didn't want to get into a relationship anytime soon. Plus he wants the divorce to happen. That's something he is looking forward to and I don't want to fight it with him on that.

 

Don't want to be too pushy with him. Trust me my love for him has not died. It's still there and more after my visit. Till now I have acted based on my anticipations and emotions. I just want to do the right thing now. My gut says wait and give him more time. The hurt is still there, I could feel it.

 

But I showed my vulnerability to certain things and he reciprocated to them. I think I have opened a communication channel with him and we can regularly start talking again. Plus he is going to come here in May after he settles down at NYC. I am looking forward to that.

[Deepremorse5]

Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

 

I not that stupid. Saying just what I felt. There were 5 other girls and I didn't say anything about them. Only saying about her because I felt they had a connection. Reminded me of our early days. On top of that she is so pretty, well dressed and smart. Who won't?

 

Anyway, I don't have to worry about it. He is moving to NYC. Unless she is secretly planning to do the same, I don't see any potential romantic story there.

 

Also, she knows that I want him back. When he was not there, she politely asked me if I didn't want the divorce. I got teary-eyed and she understood my sentiments.

[Cephalopod]

Russian women are dangerous. She will burn him worse than you did.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, so your visit is over and from all accounts it went off reasonably well. Both you and your husband seem to have handled things in a mature manner and if anything, your husband has left you with a glimmer of hope for the future. I do hope that you got some much needed closure from this interaction with him. You now know with some degree of certainty where he is headed in terms of your relationship. The fact that he is proceeding with divorce is more or less a given. That makes both of you free birds. This may be a period of time when he examines his own impulses and desires unhindered and unburdened with the weight of a dying marriage and impending divorce weighing on his mind. He has put distance between you and him so that your presence does not intrude on his freedom of thought and action. Also, by divorcing he has forever closed the door on reconciliation. If he ever gets back with you it will be in a new relationship bereft of the baggage of the past. In the interim he may have other relationships of a temporary nature to enable him to feel that he is a worthy suitor for other women. Of course the risk is that he may find one of these relationships very fulfilling and may never look back again. However, that is something you have no control over and you know it.

 

The glimmer of hope for you comes from the fact that your husband acknowledged the fact that you loved him and made it convenient to therefore, make you happy. The other fact was his response to your query as to whether he saw you as a couple in the future by saying 'We will see'. He could have answered with a blunt 'No'! Of course this does'nt mean that therefore things are going to be Tickety boo. You have a long struggle ahead of you. He will probably like to put you to the test and see whether you think he is worth your time and effort to woo him with your heart and soul. He may want to see if you and your love for him have the stamina to outlast his preoccupation with other women. He may test you for commitment as a measure of your remorse. He may also be waiting to see if you have made fundamental changes in your persona so that you are now infidelity proof. You have a long hard struggle ahead of you but you can make it and the thing is that your husband has left the door open a crack. It is all up to you now. Warm wishes.

[Zonxry]

https://youtu.be/ovbGnyPX7vo

[Mind-Chants]

I really don't understand your thought process. This man has left the door open, time and time again. He asked you why did you not come see him 8 months ago. He has delayed the divorce 3 times and will probably do it again if you visit him a few more times. When asked why he said yes to your visit, he said "because I know you love me and I want to make you happy" Okay.

 

You words portray your husband as ruthless, but his actions do not show a man who is in a hurry to divorce.

 

Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

 

If deep down you don't want the marriage, then leave him be. But if you want him as a man, husband and father to your children, stop with the pity party and do a little heavy lifting. He left the door open. Take another step.

 

Getting on the phone and asking when would be a good time for another visit, seems like a good start. This isn't a question of hope. It is a question of effort.

 

Oh and we all want to know. Did you sleep together?

 

CullenB I kind of agree with you. DR's tone has changed from a fighting spirit to someone accepting things as it is. But I guess something might have happened during her visit that changed her mind or his whole point of agreeing to her visit was to make the point to DR that you have to accept things as it is.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, so your visit is over and from all accounts it went off reasonably well. Both you and your husband seem to have handled things in a mature manner and if anything, your husband has left you with a glimmer of hope for the future. I do hope that you got some much needed closure from this interaction with him. You now know with some degree of certainty where he is headed in terms of your relationship. The fact that he is proceeding with divorce is more or less a given. That makes both of you free birds. This may be a period of time when he examines his own impulses and desires unhindered and unburdened with the weight of a dying marriage and impending divorce weighing on his mind. He has put distance between you and him so that your presence does not intrude on his freedom of thought and action. Also, by divorcing he has forever closed the door on reconciliation. If he ever gets back with you it will be in a new relationship bereft of the baggage of the past. In the interim he may have other relationships of a temporary nature to enable him to feel that he is a worthy suitor for other women. Of course the risk is that he may find one of these relationships very fulfilling and may never look back again. However, that is something you have no control over and you know it.

 

The glimmer of hope for you comes from the fact that your husband acknowledged the fact that you loved him and made it convenient to therefore, make you happy. The other fact was his response to your query as to whether he saw you as a couple in the future by saying 'We will see'. He could have answered with a blunt 'No'! Of course this does'nt mean that therefore things are going to be Tickety boo. You have a long struggle ahead of you. He will probably like to put you to the test and see whether you think he is worth your time and effort to woo him with your heart and soul. He may want to see if you and your love for him have the stamina to outlast his preoccupation with other women. He may test you for commitment as a measure of your remorse. He may also be waiting to see if you have made fundamental changes in your persona so that you are now infidelity proof. You have a long hard struggle ahead of you but you can make it and the thing is that your husband has left the door open a crack. It is all up to you now. Warm wishes.

 

CullenB I kind of agree with you. DR's tone has changed from a fighting spirit to someone accepting things as it is. But I guess something might have happened during her visit that changed her mind or his whole point of agreeing to her visit was to make the point to DR that you have to accept things as it is.

 

He is having fun there. The reality of the situation is hitting me hard. It's not about me fighting, I can do that but some hard-hitting facts which are beyond my control is pulling me down. I thought I was prepared to face them but turns out I need some more time for that.

[Deepremorse5]

I really don't understand your thought process. This man has left the door open, time and time again. He asked you why did you not come see him 8 months ago. He has delayed the divorce 3 times and will probably do it again if you visit him a few more times. When asked why he said yes to your visit, he said "because I know you love me and I want to make you happy" Okay.

 

You words portray your husband as ruthless, but his actions do not show a man who is in a hurry to divorce.

 

Unlike others, I think you need to get your head out of your #$% and really figure out some answers. Starting with do you really want this man as a husband. While some may read your thoughts of being happy for him if he choses the Russian woman as loving, We see it as appalling. If thats how you really feel, Mrs Adams read you correctly. Dont ever tell him that.

 

If deep down you don't want the marriage, then leave him be. But if you want him as a man, husband and father to your children, stop with the pity party and do a little heavy lifting. He left the door open. Take another step.

 

Getting on the phone and asking when would be a good time for another visit, seems like a good start. This isn't a question of hope. It is a question of effort.

 

Oh and we all want to know. Did you sleep together?

 

Truth be told he is sleeping with girl/girls. I sincerely hope I was not an easy lay for him during that week. I know I have lost the right to say anything to him about it. I won't deny, it didn't hurt me. It did to the point I cried and when he asked why I am crying, I lied about it. My mom thinks I am forcing myself to think he will be happy with others. I just want to step back and clear my head.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Truth be told he is sleeping with girl/girls. I sincerely hope I was not an easy lay for him during that week. I know I have lost the right to say anything to him about it. I won't deny, it didn't hurt me. It did to the point I cried and when he asked why I am crying, I lied about it. My mom thinks I am forcing myself to think he will be happy with others. I just want to step back and clear my head.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, DR. Truly sorry. Might I ask how you found he was sleeping with others? Don't beat yourself up for sleeping with him, but hopefully, in the future should you visit with him you won't sleep with him unless the plan is to be exclusive. Not saying you have a right to ask that.

 

Of course, I'm one who always recommends not sleeping with someone unless you are exclusive with him.

 

You probably didn't realize during the week you spent with him he was doing this.

[aliveagain]

To my way of thinking your trip was very much worth it. You now have a week of new memories with him that may change the way you feel and think of your current situation. Yes he is sleeping with other women and yes they are pretty after all, he's a good looking man with a future and a lot of very pretty women will be attracted to him. You too slept with another man, that's why your in this mess. This may be his way of getting balance back, infidelity causes an imbalance to a relationship. We refer to it as eating a sh*t sandwich, betrayed spouses are forced to eat it if they choose reconciliation. Divorcing has a way of changing balance too.

 

You know that he will be in your area in a few months and because of your trip to see him it is very likely that he will make a point of seeing you this time. The future will play itself out, it is only one future out of many possibilities. I think your actions will drive it. If you want a chance with him, do not date other men until you are divorced. Stepping back is a very good choice, think hard about what it is that you want, how do you see yourself being happy again? I am glad you went, glad for you.

Edited March 19, 2018 by aliveagain

[Cullenbohannon]

Truth be told he is sleeping with girl/girls. I sincerely hope I was not an easy lay for him during that week. I know I have lost the right to say anything to him about it. I won't deny, it didn't hurt me. It did to the point I cried and when he asked why I am crying, I lied about it. My mom thinks I am forcing myself to think he will be happy with others. I just want to step back and clear my head.

 

As others have stated, that fact that he is/was sleeping with others should not have been a surprise. You do have the right to say something about it if you want to continue intimacy. Lying to him is what got you into this mess in the first place. Be honest with him in all matters. You may not have a 3rd chance.

 

Having sex with your husband may not be a reconciliation, but it is a far cry from where you started a year ago. I don't understand what the problem is. You haven't seen him in a year,. You had a nice visit and were intimate. Now you want to step back and clear your head?. That seems a little strange.

Edited March 19, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Adotta]

And she lies about why she cried. She really hasn't learned. You can say you don't want to talk about it. You can say let's talk about it later. But DON'T LIE. Lies are what got you here. Don't hide pieces of yourself from the man you claim to love.

 

And yeah it doesn't surprise me at all he is sleeping with other women

he needs to get his confidence back. Something you will never really be able to offer him. Every time he has sex with you he is probably thinking "she's just faking it" or " was her ex boyfriend better? ". He wonders if your just attempting to use sex to manipulate him. I think you might be. You want him but I'm not sure your intentions are pure.

 

Like some child that only became interested in an old toy of hers that she never plays with anymore because suddenly other kids wanted to play with it. So the child jumps up screeches MINE and starts trying to act like they love that toy.

 

 

I hope I'm wrong I really do. But I think you have alot more introspection to do and I think you need to learn how to live a more genuine life. Where the actions of other and what you think others would say or do have very little effect on your actions and words. I think you live a very false life DR. I think you wear lots of masks that you think the world requires you to wear. The traditional Indian values may have helped push you towards this... but who knows.

Edited March 19, 2018 by Adotta

[Mrs. John Adams]

DR...I actually like what you have posted. It shows growth....and the thing i have always been more concerned with than anything is YOU...not him. I want to see you grow as a person...I want to see realization on your part as to the damage you have done...and how YOU can become a better person. This is not about your husband...this is about you.

 

He has made the choices that he feels are best for him. You have no control over him or his choices. This is about...how do you heal? How do you become a better person? how do you move forward?

 

You know I have always been about YOU...and there are plenty here on this thread who have never been a betrayer...so they have no idea what you feel...but I do....

 

I hope that you can now move forward with the life you desire....I know there will always be a part of you that feels guilty for what you have done...and hopefully you will take that and incorporate that into yourself to make you a better person who makes better choices.

 

Your husband...has moved on...and there is a part of me that feels that this is the right decision for BOTH of you. Maybe you both deserve someone who loves and respects you for who you are.

 

Best of luck to you...find your happiness..and realize that it lies within you...and not within someone else.

[Deepremorse5]

As others have stated, that fact that he is/was sleeping with others should not have been a surprise. You do have the right to say something about it if you want to continue intimacy. Lying to him is what got you into this mess in the first place. Be honest with him in all matters. You may not have a 3rd chance.

 

Having sex with your husband may not be a reconciliation, but it is a far cry from where you started a year ago. I don't understand what the problem is. You haven't seen him in a year,. You had a nice visit and were intimate. Now you want to step back and clear your head?. That seems a little strange.

 

It's not that I am running away from him, it's just that we are not on the same page now. My actions moved him to another book. I know his touch. We became intimate many times but not even once I felt his touch. I tried to give him everything he likes but I didn't feel it at all. I just don't want to become a friend with sporadic benefits. I feel like he is pushing me into that zone. Also, I don't want to use sex as a tool to get him back. Hope you understand where I am coming from.

 

 

 

And she lies about why she cried. She really hasn't learned. You can say you don't want to talk about it. You can say let's talk about it later. But DON'T LIE. Lies are what got you here. Don't hide pieces of yourself from the man you claim to love.

 

And yeah it doesn't surprise me at all he is sleeping with other women

he needs to get his confidence back. Something you will never really be able to offer him. Every time he has sex with you he is probably thinking "she's just faking it" or " was her ex boyfriend better? ". He wonders if your just attempting to use sex to manipulate him. I think you might be. You want him but I'm not sure your intentions are pure.

 

Like some child that only became interested in an old toy of hers that she never plays with anymore because suddenly other kids wanted to play with it. So the child jumps up screeches MINE and starts trying to act like they love that toy.

 

 

I hope I'm wrong I really do. But I think you have alot more introspection to do and I think you need to learn how to live a more genuine life. Where the actions of other and what you think others would say or do have very little effect on your actions and words. I think you live a very false life DR. I think you wear lots of masks that you think the world requires you to wear. The traditional Indian values may have helped push you towards this... but who knows.

 

When I said I lied, I felt it was not the right moment for me to say to him that I am not okay with him sleeping with other women. He allowed me to visit him, I had to keep everything to me whether I liked it or not.

 

Why do you feel that I am rejecting him just because he slept with others? Nowhere did I mention that. And what exact Indian values you are speaking of??

[Adotta]

It's not that I am running away from him, it's just that we are not on the same page now. My actions moved him to another book. I know his touch. We became intimate many times but not even once I felt his touch. I tried to give him everything he likes but I didn't feel it at all. I just don't want to become a friend with sporadic benefits. I feel like he is pushing me into that zone. Also, I don't want to use sex as a tool to get him back. Hope you understand where I am coming from.

 

 

 

 

 

When I said I lied, I felt it was not the right moment for me to say to him that I am not okay with him sleeping with other women. He allowed me to visit him, I had to keep everything to me whether I liked it or not.

 

Why do you feel that I am rejecting him just because he slept with others? Nowhere did I mention that. And what exact Indian values you are speaking of??

 

No you don't have to keep everything to yourself. When he asked why your crying you could have said something like " I know I can't huge you. I don't have that right. But knowing your sleeping with other women hurts alot. " there you go how hard would that be? Your still hiding your feeling in an attempt to control the outcome. Let go of control. What will be will be. Pour your heart out. Be authentic.

 

And I never said you rejected him. I said he is receiving from other women what you can't offer him. Anything you offer him right now is polluted by your past actions and lies. Every time he sleeps with you I can gauruntee he is wondering if your faking it. He doesn't need to worry about that with other women. He isn't thiers. He doesn't have to worry if he is pleasing them or not because they wouldn't stick around if he wasnt. They are boosting his confidence.

 

If you had sex with him right now and told him it was the best sex you ever had and that he is a great lover he wouldn't believe a word of it. You have destroyed your own credability. By giving your body to another man you have devalued that sexual connection between him and you. You have put the lie to your claim he is perfect and a great lover. that's what I'm saying.

 

Actually I wouldn't judge you at all for rejecting him because he is sleeping with other women. It's only natural and your own choice to make. Sure it might be slightly hypocritical but it's your body and your choice.

[Deepremorse5]

I'm sorry for your pain, DR. Truly sorry. Might I ask how you found he was sleeping with others? Don't beat yourself up for sleeping with him, but hopefully, in the future should you visit with him you won't sleep with him unless the plan is to be exclusive. Not saying you have a right to ask that.

 

Of course, I'm one who always recommends not sleeping with someone unless you are exclusive with him.

 

You probably didn't realize during the week you spent with him he was doing this.

 

It was all around his apartment. Used box of condoms, used lube, an earring in his box drawer and a lipstick.

 

Plus in his group, there was this Brit girl. Very cute and innocent looking. She wasn't happy seeing me there. She was super curious and wanted to know where I was staying and if we were sleeping in the same room or not. In the last night when we were hanging out, it all came out. She confessed that they have hooked up and she had seen him with other girls too. I have no reason to believe she lied. She looked like a hurt person who is struggling with the unrequited love. I felt sorry for her. I am in that same position. Isn't it.

[Adotta]

Judge*

 

It's not letting me edit.

[Deepremorse5]

No you don't have to keep everything to yourself. When he asked why your crying you could have said something like " I know I can't huge you. I don't have that right. But knowing your sleeping with other women hurts alot. " there you go how hard would that be? Your still hiding your feeling in an attempt to control the outcome. Let go of control. What will be will be. Pour your heart out. Be authentic.

 

And I never said you rejected him. I said he is receiving from other women what you can't offer him. Anything you offer him right now is polluted by your past actions and lies. Every time he sleeps with you I can gauruntee he is wondering if your faking it. He doesn't need to worry about that with other women. He isn't thiers. He doesn't have to worry if he is pleasing them or not because they wouldn't stick around if he wasnt. They are boosting his confidence.

 

If you had sex with him right now and told him it was the best sex you ever had and that he is a great lover he wouldn't believe a word of it. You have destroyed your own credability. By giving your body to another man you have devalued that sexual connection between him and you. You have put the lie to your claim he is perfect and a great lover. that's what I'm saying.

 

Actually I wouldn't judge you at all for rejecting him because he is sleeping with other women. It's only natural and your own choice to make. Sure it might be slightly hypocritical but it's your body and your choice.

 

Despite all the happy stuff, he is still hurt. I felt it. If I had said anything about it to him, I thought I was pilling up more baggage on him. He actually never said anything for that matter. Nor did he try to make me jealous by trying to point out that he is sleeping with others. I learnt about it and choose to keep it to myself. Maybe sometime in future, I will let him know that I was hurt but not now. I am pretty clear on that.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Deepremorse5

[Adotta]

And by traditional Indian values I mean the idea of being the prefect wife. not causing waves. Acting like everything is fine. Repressing your own desires to suit the needs of others. I'm not Indian so I can't know your culture perfectly but all of the Indian women I see on here pretty much always hid thier true selves and lied about thier past in an effort to seem like the good Indian wife. The perfect virgin who follows thier husbands lead in everything. That always leads to repression and repression leads to crazy things like affairs.

 

Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying to be what you think you SHOULD BE and be what you ARE. Or change yourself. That's your call but faking it doesn't work.

[Deepremorse5]

And by traditional Indian values I mean the idea of being the prefect wife. not causing waves. Acting like everything is fine. Repressing your own desires to suit the needs of others. I'm not Indian so I can't know your culture perfectly but all of the Indian women I see on here pretty much always hid thier true selves and lied about thier past in an effort to seem like the good Indian wife. The perfect virgin who follows thier husbands lead in everything. That always leads to repression and repression leads to crazy things like affairs.

 

Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying to be what you think you SHOULD BE and be what you ARE. Or change yourself. That's your call but faking it doesn't work.

 

I will call it reciprocation. If he could mask his hurt and disgust (maybe !) to entertain me, I had to return the favour.

 

It's not that I don't understand your point. I am not hiding my feelings, just ignoring them for both of us. Don't you think he has in him too much anger for me? He has never said a word to me in loud voice till now for that. At least I owe him that much. We have an emotional disconnect right now. He is unwilling. When he will, I can say something to him. Just not now.

[Adotta]

I will call it reciprocation. If he could mask his hurt and disgust (maybe !) to entertain me, I had to return the favour.

 

It's not that I don't understand your point. I am not hiding my feelings, just ignoring them for both of us. Don't you think he has in him too much anger for me? He has never said a word to me in loud voice till now for that. At least I owe him that much. We have an emotional disconnect right now. He is unwilling. When he will, I can say something to him. Just not now.

 

How do you think emotional disconnects are bridged? It sure isn't by burying your feeling.

 

Maybe revealing your true thoughts on this will bring him back a bit. It MAY make him feel like you care again. It MAY make him feel like your being authentic. If your acting like everything is fine when he KNOWS things are NOT fine he MAY see that as more faking and lies by you. More attempts to manipulate the outcome.

 

You need to understand that trust is broken. It won't be fixed by faking and or hiding things. Stop swallowing your discontentment. if he thinks your hiding your thoughts he will think the worst. he will wonder what your hiding and I can assure you his imagination will fill in the blanks with the worst things possible. Sure it may not be exactly the perfect time to reveal them but you have to start somewhere. I suggest starting small and don't BLAME. Let him know how you feel and make sure he knows it's not his fault.

[Deepremorse5]

And by traditional Indian values I mean the idea of being the prefect wife. not causing waves. Acting like everything is fine. Repressing your own desires to suit the needs of others. I'm not Indian so I can't know your culture perfectly but all of the Indian women I see on here pretty much always hid thier true selves and lied about thier past in an effort to seem like the good Indian wife. The perfect virgin who follows thier husbands lead in everything. That always leads to repression and repression leads to crazy things like affairs.

 

Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying to be what you think you SHOULD BE and be what you ARE. Or change yourself. That's your call but faking it doesn't work.

 

I won't deny it doesn't happen but I didn't face the situation. My in-laws supported me and still do when there is no obligation on them. I followed him because I wanted not that he asked me to. His assertive personality is what made me fall in love with him. Rather I enjoyed it. If you ask my husband what he liked in me, he will say that I am an extrovert, a chatterbox and bit arrogant. He accepted my flaws, why do I have to be perfect to scare him away. I know I am not perfect, I don't want to. I am just trying to be happy.

[Adotta]

I won't deny it doesn't happen but I didn't face the situation. My in-laws supported me and still do when there is no obligation on them. I followed him because I wanted not that he asked me to. His assertive personality is what made me fall in love with him. Rather I enjoyed it. If you ask my husband what he liked in me, he will say that I am an extrovert, a chatterbox and bit arrogant. He accepted my flaws, why do I have to be perfect to scare him away. I know I am not perfect, I don't want to. I am just trying to be happy.

 

If you where not hiding parts of yourself you would have spoken up when your ex boyfriend came into the picture. But at the time you told yourself it wasn't a big deal and nothing would happen and that if you told your husband about your interactions with this ex boyfriend he would have been hurt and angry. So you put a mask on and pretended everything was fine in an attempt to not rock the boat. You attempted to keep the status quo. If you had spoken up THEN maybe you would have never jumped into bed with your ex boyfriend.