Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Deepremorse5]

How do you think emotional disconnects are bridged? It sure isn't by burying your feeling.

 

Maybe revealing your true thoughts on this will bring him back a bit. It MAY make him feel like you care again. It MAY make him feel like your being authentic. If your acting like everything is fine when he KNOWS things are NOT fine he MAY see that as more faking and lies by you. More attempts to manipulate the outcome.

 

You need to understand that trust is broken. It won't be fixed by faking and or hiding things. Stop swallowing your discontentment. if he thinks your hiding your thoughts he will think the worst. he will wonder what your hiding and I can assure you his imagination will fill in the blanks with the worst things possible. Sure it may not be exactly the perfect time to reveal them but you have to start somewhere. I suggest starting small and don't BLAME. Let him know how you feel and make sure he knows it's not his fault.

 

Why do you think I will blame him. Never I have suggested that it's him?

 

If you where not hiding parts of yourself you would have spoken up when your ex boyfriend came into the picture. But at the time you told yourself it wasn't a big deal and nothing would happen and that if you told your husband about your interactions with this ex boyfriend he would have been hurt and angry. So you put a mask on and pretended everything was fine in an attempt to not rock the boat. You attempted to keep the status quo. If you had spoken up THEN maybe you would have never jumped into bed with your ex boyfriend.

 

FYI I have pointed about these things before. Thanks for your inputs.

[JuneL]

For some reason, I thought the OP’s posts are much more genuine compared to her previous ones. Her husband clearly still needs much space.

[Adotta]

Maybe blame was a strong word to use. But sometimes the way we word something can give different meaning.

 

Imagine if the problem ( this is just an example )with your marriage was that your husband was working to much. He wasn't around enough and that made you lonely. Now you COULD say. "You where not there. You where always working and that made me lonely and because you where not there for me I slept with my ex boyfriend. If you had been there for me I never would have done this."

 

That would be the wrong way to say it. It would be blame.

 

You could say it like this instead.

 

"I'm sorry husband. I messed up. I messed up BIG TIME. There was a divide between us. We where not seeing eachother enough. Instead of trying to fix that I buried my feeling and handled it poorly by accepting the advances of another man in an attempt to fill the void in my life that I felt because of us not spending much time together. I want to fix this. If you can see it in your heart to work on this with me I would be deliriously happy. I am not making excuses. What was wrong in our relationship was not in any way a good excuse to do what I did. But if we are to improve our marriage I think we will have to work on this."

 

These two different examples both handle the problem of not seeing eachother and expressing loneliness but one is blame and one is not.

You can admit your marriage was not perfect without making it his fault completly.

 

Again this is just an example. This is not about your situation.

 

And yes I know you mentioned those things before but if you had learned your lesson you wouldn't be continuing down the same road by hiding your true feelings. Your husband wants to see the real you. Even if it hurts a bit to see it. He wants to know your genuine. Being genuine to him is more important that acting happy and making him happy in his mind and I can gauruntee that. He doesn't need to be protected from your thoughts and feeling. The biggest fear of betrayed spouses is that they are still being lied too. That they are still being manipulated.

 

I can almost gauruntee that your husband at least a little wants to run to you. He wants to hold you in his arms and hear you say you love him more then anything in the world. He just doesn't know if when that happens that you where honest or not.

 

Trust is built when you tell people hard truths. Noone trusts a person who only tells easy truths. The only people I fully trust in my life are those who tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear that truth. It shows that they want the truth to be a part of my life no matter what. Even at the risk of lowering my opinion of them. People who won't tell you the truth to avoid confrontation and disappointment are really just protecting themselves. They are not your friends. They are not looking out for you.

 

Maybe your right that right now is not the right time to reveal these things. But you need to have these talks eventually and you need to not hold back.

[Adotta]

For some reason, I thought the OP’s posts are much more genuine compared to her previous ones. Her husband clearly still needs much space.

 

I agree she is making progress but it's a long road.

[aliveagain]

You were there because he wanted to see you. You don't stop loving someone easily that you loved deeply. My guess is your new relationship with him will be defined after some of his hurt goes away. He will sleep with as many women as he needs to, he will find a way to let you know when he finds his balance. I would bet money some of the items you found in his place were intentional.

 

I remember doing some of those things the first time my ex came over. They were subtle but she noticed(lipstick on one of the two glasses in the sink, an article of clothing in the mail entrance closet, a hair scrumpy thing on the bathroom sink, a box of opened condoms with just a couple missing on my nightstand next to my bed). Yes I did some of those things in order to inflict payback pain. She would see me at restaurants that our former friend group frequented, always with a date. The interesting thing is once I stopped caring for her I stopped doing those childish things, it wasn't important to me anymore because I had truly moved on. Just my opinion but some of what you saw may have been for you only.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You were there because he wanted to see you. You don't stop loving someone easily that you loved deeply. My guess is your new relationship with him will be defined after some of his hurt goes away. He will sleep with as many women as he needs to, he will find a way to let you know when he finds his balance. I would bet money some of the items you found in his place were intentional.

 

I remember doing some of those things the first time my ex came over. They were subtle but she noticed(lipstick on one of the two glasses in the sink, an article of clothing in the mail entrance closet, a hair scrumpy thing on the bathroom sink, a box of opened condoms with just a couple missing on my nightstand next to my bed). Yes I did some of those things in order to inflict payback pain. She would see me at restaurants that our former friend group frequented, always with a date. The interesting thing is once I stopped caring for her I stopped doing those childish things, it wasn't important to me anymore because I had truly moved on. Just my opinion but some of what you saw may have been for you only.

 

I thought the same.

[Cullenbohannon]

It's not that I am running away from him, it's just that we are not on the same page now. My actions moved him to another book. I know his touch. We became intimate many times but not even once I felt his touch. I tried to give him everything he likes but I didn't feel it at all. I just don't want to become a friend with sporadic benefits. I feel like he is pushing me into that zone. Also, I don't want to use sex as a tool to get him back. Hope you understand where I am coming from.

 

I do understand. But even if YOU didn't feel it, doesn't mean he wasn't giving the best he could at the moment. Regardless, if I may speak for the majority and borrow the words of your countryman. "warm wishes" to you DR

Edited March 22, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Deepremorse5]

Maybe blame was a strong word to use. But sometimes the way we word something can give different meaning.

 

Imagine if the problem ( this is just an example )with your marriage was that your husband was working to much. He wasn't around enough and that made you lonely. Now you COULD say. "You where not there. You where always working and that made me lonely and because you where not there for me I slept with my ex boyfriend. If you had been there for me I never would have done this."

 

That would be the wrong way to say it. It would be blame.

 

You could say it like this instead.

 

"I'm sorry husband. I messed up. I messed up BIG TIME. There was a divide between us. We where not seeing eachother enough. Instead of trying to fix that I buried my feeling and handled it poorly by accepting the advances of another man in an attempt to fill the void in my life that I felt because of us not spending much time together. I want to fix this. If you can see it in your heart to work on this with me I would be deliriously happy. I am not making excuses. What was wrong in our relationship was not in any way a good excuse to do what I did. But if we are to improve our marriage I think we will have to work on this."

 

These two different examples both handle the problem of not seeing eachother and expressing loneliness but one is blame and one is not.

You can admit your marriage was not perfect without making it his fault completly.

 

Again this is just an example. This is not about your situation.

 

And yes I know you mentioned those things before but if you had learned your lesson you wouldn't be continuing down the same road by hiding your true feelings. Your husband wants to see the real you. Even if it hurts a bit to see it. He wants to know your genuine. Being genuine to him is more important that acting happy and making him happy in his mind and I can gauruntee that. He doesn't need to be protected from your thoughts and feeling. The biggest fear of betrayed spouses is that they are still being lied too. That they are still being manipulated.

 

I can almost gauruntee that your husband at least a little wants to run to you. He wants to hold you in his arms and hear you say you love him more then anything in the world. He just doesn't know if when that happens that you where honest or not.

 

Trust is built when you tell people hard truths. Noone trusts a person who only tells easy truths. The only people I fully trust in my life are those who tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear that truth. It shows that they want the truth to be a part of my life no matter what. Even at the risk of lowering my opinion of them. People who won't tell you the truth to avoid confrontation and disappointment are really just protecting themselves. They are not your friends. They are not looking out for you.

 

Maybe your right that right now is not the right time to reveal these things. But you need to have these talks eventually and you need to not hold back.

 

He wants to divorce, I am waiting for him to initiate the final proceedings. He is crystal clear on this. I feel after the divorce, he will feel unburdened and be more comfortable dealing with "us". I want to give him that comfort zone for him to process everything and think about "us". He was on a super hectic schedule and was planning his move to NYC, I thought let's enjoy the moment than ruining a good time with my worries and insecurities. The sexual tension was definitely there. We had sex within 10 mins of me reaching his apartment. It really felt good to feel desired by him.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cullen, I like that!

Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

I do understand. But even if YOU didn't feel it, doesn't mean he wasn't giving the best he could at the moment. Regardless, if I may speak for the majority and borrow the words of your countryman. "warm wishes" to you DR

 

That's true. He did. Definitely did. One morning when I woke up, I saw him just staring at me. When I asked him about it, he just smiled and left the bed to start his day. I know behind that smile was a lot of pain and agony, but he never showed it to me. That moment was one of the few such moments I had there that really hit me hard. I can't explain but those moments really meant a lot to me.

[Deepremorse5]

You were there because he wanted to see you. You don't stop loving someone easily that you loved deeply. My guess is your new relationship with him will be defined after some of his hurt goes away. He will sleep with as many women as he needs to, he will find a way to let you know when he finds his balance. I would bet money some of the items you found in his place were intentional.

 

I remember doing some of those things the first time my ex came over. They were subtle but she noticed(lipstick on one of the two glasses in the sink, an article of clothing in the mail entrance closet, a hair scrumpy thing on the bathroom sink, a box of opened condoms with just a couple missing on my nightstand next to my bed). Yes I did some of those things in order to inflict payback pain. She would see me at restaurants that our former friend group frequented, always with a date. The interesting thing is once I stopped caring for her I stopped doing those childish things, it wasn't important to me anymore because I had truly moved on. Just my opinion but some of what you saw may have been for you only.

 

If he did, that's actually good for me. But I don't think he did that intentionally. He has gone through that phase before where he was having casual relationships and one night stands. I guess he is just reliving his moments again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, so your visit did not go off as well as I thought it did and you did not get the closure that you may have been looking for. The fact is that if you reread my previous post you would note that I suggested keeping an open mind and having no expectations when you were visiting your husband. Apparently you did go with expectations and a not quite open mind otherwise what you saw there would not have wounded you so deeply as it did.

 

On the one hand one can expect the kind of reaction that you had. You are still heavily invested in your husband and have not been able to del ink emotionally from him. On the other hand, with the passage of time and his clear message to you that he has moved on since he is divorcing you, one would expect that you would hope for the best but be prepared for the worst when you visited him. However,, the very fact that you decided to visit him indicates that you were hoping for a miracle and that you would somehow wake up and realize it was all a bad dream and you were still happily married. I get the feeling your husband used this occasion to drive home to you some of the hurt and humiliation that you inflicted on him by cheating on him with your former ex. Whether he actually slept with anyone but you or just faked the whole scenario as suggested by alive again which, by the way I tend yo believe, his aim was to put you in the same position that you put him in a year ago. This may have been his test for you and for teaching you a lesson you were not likely to forget in a hurry and therefore part of your education toward become infidelity proof. Now you know what he must have felt and so, if ever given a chance, you get back with him, cheating on him will be the furthest thing from your mind.

 

Also, the fact that you two were intimate was certainly not a FWB type of affair. You are still his wife and he is still your husband till the divorce is final. Never let that pernicious thought enter your mind. If you did not feel emotionally involved with him it could be for any number of reasons. He may have purposely treated you like just another lay or your own guilt feelings may have acted as a block or whatever. Maybe he did not want you to get ideas that he was getting back with you so he treated you differently from the way he used to in happier times. Whatever the reason please remember what I said in my previous post. He may be waiting to divorce you, allow for a cooling off period and may then see whether you two can get together again. Remember he knows and acknowledges that you love him. I am convinced he does too. However his male ego HSS been hurt and he wants to hurt you too so that you feel the same pain as him. When he is convinced you have learnt your lesson he may offer you an olive branch. Till then keep working on yourself. You still have a long way to go. Best of luck!

Edited March 22, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Cullenbohannon]

Expecting your husband's "love touch" to be the same after 1 year of seperation and very little effort on your part, is not reasonable. You were in his bed with a CHANCE to right your wrong. Thats kind of a decent start.

 

Not willing to use your biggest asset, the giving of yourself, to save your marriage is puzzling, since the giving of yourself is what destroyed it. I guarantee very few BSs would suggest abstaining as a solution to saving a relationship.

 

The more you write, the more it looks like he is still there and you are the one that should move on. What more should your husband give at this moment?

Edited March 22, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Deepremorse5]

Expecting your husband's "love touch" to be the same after 1 year of seperation and very little effort on your part, is not reasonable. You were in his bed with a CHANCE to right your wrong. Thats kind of a decent start.

 

Not willing to use your biggest asset, the giving of yourself, to save your marriage is puzzling, since the giving of yourself is what destroyed it. I guarantee very few BSs would suggest abstaining as a solution to saving a relationship.

 

The more you write, the more it looks like he is still there and you are the one that should move on. What more should your husband give at this moment?

 

I have not given up yet, just not forcing myself on him. Just trying to give him space. I want to build a healthy relationship with him again. I know I messed it up. I am trying to rebuild it. Also, we haven't talked much about my affair.

 

I am not saying I am abstaining from him. I gave it all to him when I was there. I am saying I just don't want to be another girl for him. When he will be back here in India in May, I know I want to get intimate again. The reason I am saying is I know how easy it is for him to separate emotions from sex. He can do this for a long time without ever wanting to get back together.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Deepremorse5

[Cullenbohannon]

That's true. He did. Definitely did. One morning when I woke up, I saw him just staring at me. When I asked him about it, he just smiled and left the bed to start his day. I know behind that smile was a lot of pain and agony, but he never showed it to me. That moment was one of the few such moments I had there that really hit me hard. I can't explain but those moments really meant a lot to me.

 

I had this exact same moment with someone I lost 10 years ago. I remember waking up and seeing her looking at me with a tear in her eye. I shrugged it off and she left me shortly thereafter. I regretted my actions that day. That was a crossroad for her, and I missed it.

 

I hope you know what you are doing. Good luck to you DR

[Deepremorse5]

I had this exact same moment with someone I lost 10 years ago. I remember waking up and seeing her looking at me with a tear in her eye. I shrugged it off and she left me shortly thereafter. I regretted my actions that day. That was a crossroad for her, and I missed it.

 

I hope you know what you are doing. Good luck to you DR

 

Earlier I really didn't know what I was doing but now I have some clarity.

[Mind-Chants]

I think you shouldn't give up on your husband because he is divorcing you. He is divorcing the marriage between you two, the legal one, rest everything is still at the place. If he would have denied your visit that would have been a different story. But he didn't. I think that's his way of gaining control and power over your future with him. Let him have that. You are right about giving him space. You know what they say, with great power comes great responsibility. Let him take care of it. I am sure that he still has your best interest in his thoughts. Like DKT pointed out before, his love is still there. If you do the right things, you will reap the rewards.

 

The fact that he put it out that he will visit again in May sounds to me like an invitation. Again just curious - did you get an invitation to NYC?? Another thing, you had mentioned before that you are not open to moving out of India. Was this his way of checking out how comfortable/uncomfortable you are abroad?? Or is he trying to make you take a decision between the choices of staying in India or moving abroad with him?

[JDJ]

I just read through the entire backstory on this thread, realizing it is still active. All of the OP's posts, and at least some of the replies.

 

I don't think the fact that they had sex within 10 minutes is a good thing. Sounds like he was trying to use her and put her in her place, to show her that the sex could be meaningless. I am sure he was not really happy or enjoying that experience. It could only be painful for him.

 

I saw what the OP said about the husband not liking emotional displays, but in my opinion the only way out for her is to beg, beg, beg for forgiveness and show somehow that she has changed. Saying that the Russian lady would make a good partner for him is not going to convince him of her devotion. The two of you both hiding your feelings behind these masks is just going to keep you both from fixing what is wrong. I agree with Adotta on that.

 

All these months later and the OP still hasn't answered the question of why she betrayed her husband in the first place. Yet she continues to want to drag her husband into more of the same.

[Deepremorse5]

The fact that he put it out that he will visit again in May sounds to me like an invitation. Again just curious - did you get an invitation to NYC?? Another thing, you had mentioned before that you are not open to moving out of India. Was this his way of checking out how comfortable/uncomfortable you are abroad?? Or is he trying to make you take a decision between the choices of staying in India or moving abroad with him?

 

Yes, he did ask me to plan a travel to NYC sometime around July after our divorce. Yes, he used those words.

 

Moving abroad is a difficult decision for me. Being the only child of my parents, it's important for me to be there for them when they are aging.

I am also sure he won't let me choose between him and my parents. A few months back when I got to know about his NYC move, I thought I would go there. Even my parents encouraged me to move to NYC. I know they just want to see me happy again. But they will miss me and feel lonely.

That's the thing, it's tough.

 

It was a convenient move by him as he knows it will be a very tough decision for me to follow him anywhere he goes.

[aliveagain]

Yes, he did ask me to plan a travel to NYC sometime around July after our divorce. Yes, he used those words.

 

 

 

It was a convenient move by him as he knows it will be a very tough decision for me to follow him anywhere he goes.

 

 

It is a easier to make decisions about advancement if you only have to worry about yourself. If your husband is as motivated as I am about proving myself and success he will take the New York promotion. Rejecting the opportunity will affect his furtherance in a negative way. The greatest motivation for me to succeed was to gain respect and admiration from the person's I loved the most. It was a way for someone as motivated as me to show my commitment to them, it was a way of showing my love. Any respect I gained in the business world was respect that they too earned. I think you are still high on his list, just my opinion.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, sorry to read your last post. You are being caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea. I can understand your dilemma having heard of so many heart break stories of parents abandoned by their children who migrated to the US and elsewhere, just when they needed them most. You will have to weigh your decisions carefully. Fortunately, you have time and there is no urgency in your having to make any decisions right now. Whether your husband is testing you or not will become clear in the future. Till then, as I said, keep working on yourself to improve and minimize your flaws. Warm wishes.

[Mind-Chants]

DR

Hope everything is moving in a positive direction.

 

Regarding moving abroad, I just had a passing thought based on something you had mentioned earlier. You had said before that he had relocated for you. So take a shot. Go to him @ NYC. If things work out for you, you will be moving back to india soon. By soon I mean in few years.

[Deepremorse5]

I am really glad that this site is back and running. I thought I will put an update. We are now officially divorced. I will try to put more update later, just feeling little low right now. Thank you all for everything. Hope I will be back here soon.

[Mind-Chants]

Legally you guys are now divorced but how are things between you two now?? Is he giving any positive vibes? I always felt he is still there with you. May be I am wrong but I strongly believe if you put the right effort you guys could couple up. Wish you the best.

[Deepremorse5]

Legally you guys are now divorced but how are things between you two now?? Is he giving any positive vibes? I always felt he is still there with you. May be I am wrong but I strongly believe if you put the right effort you guys could couple up. Wish you the best.

 

I have no idea what he wants. It's really very confusing. Sometimes he behaves as if he wants me and then the next moment I am nowhere in his plans. Whenever I try to discuss "us", he smiles or changes the topic or we get intimate. I am in a situation where I don't feel any kind of attraction towards any other man but him. No idea where I will go from here. Now that he is settled at NYC, I am more worried about him finding someone there.

 

A lot has happened to me in last few months. I left my job in April. I was getting unwanted attention from few married guys. Too much of trigger there. So I decided to leave the job and started working for our family business.