Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Deepremorse5]

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It is a easier to make decisions about advancement if you only have to worry about yourself. If your husband is as motivated as I am about proving myself and success he will take the New York promotion. Rejecting the opportunity will affect his furtherance in a negative way. The greatest motivation for me to succeed was to gain respect and admiration from the person's I loved the most. It was a way for someone as motivated as me to show my commitment to them, it was a way of showing my love. Any respect I gained in the business world was respect that they too earned. I think you are still high on his list, just my opinion.

 

He took the offer and moved to NYC.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, sorry to read your last post. You are being caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea. I can understand your dilemma having heard of so many heart break stories of parents abandoned by their children who migrated to the US and elsewhere, just when they needed them most. You will have to weigh your decisions carefully. Fortunately, you have time and there is no urgency in your having to make any decisions right now. Whether your husband is testing you or not will become clear in the future. Till then, as I said, keep working on yourself to improve and minimize your flaws. Warm wishes.

 

I have left my job and now I am working with my parents to manage our family business. It's kind of a done deal for me that I am staying here. I am now expected to fill in big shoes and take over my father's role. Earlier I never wanted that as it is a big responsibility. I was happy doing my own small thing and stay involved in some kind of work. My husband was supposed to take over the business from my father. Now I am looking forward to shouldering the responsibility. Thought I put it out, my father still wanted him to shoulder the responsibility regardless of the status of our relationship but he declined. He has contributed a lot in last 4 years and our business has almost tripled in last 4 years.

[Mind-Chants]

I have no idea what he wants. It's really very confusing. Sometimes he behaves as if he wants me and then the next moment I am nowhere in his plans. Whenever I try to discuss "us", he smiles or changes the topic or we get intimate. I am in a situation where I don't feel any kind of attraction towards any other man but him. No idea where I will go from here. Now that he is settled at NYC, I am more worried about him finding someone there.

 

A lot has happened to me in last few months. I left my job in April. I was getting unwanted attention from few married guys. Too much of trigger there. So I decided to leave the job and started working for our family business.

 

I think the confusion is mutual. You guys are now divorced. He has no business with you. But he is still engaging you in some ways, so I feel there is some hope there. You have mentioned before that he is INTJ type. Now you are managing business so good excuse to call a business strategist. Good fodder to discuss with an INTJ guy.

 

Good luck.

[Deepremorse5]

I think the confusion is mutual. You guys are now divorced. He has no business with you. But he is still engaging you in some ways, so I feel there is some hope there. You have mentioned before that he is INTJ type. Now you are managing business so good excuse to call a business strategist. Good fodder to discuss with an INTJ guy.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am discussing business related matters with him and I will continue to do so. He himself told me to call him for anything I need wrt to business needs.

All I want is to engage him on a more personal level without putting the business as a front. I don't want to mix my personal and professional engagements now. If things go bad, there will lot of damage. 90+ families are dependent on the business so there is no scope for any kind of risky flirtations.

I want to give him some more time. The only fear I have now is if he gets coupled up with someone, it will be mission impossible for me. We do have text conversations and sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn't and sometimes after few days. I have no idea how he is doing in NYC. I am thinking about taking a trip to NYC to spend some time with him. I already got the invite.

[aliveagain]

Book the flight, New York is beautiful this time of year, hot. Take him out for dinner maybe a little Italian. Try Mario Batali's Serra by Birreria, a funky little restaurant on the roof of of a 21 story building, check the weather report for rain first. I think it's beside the Flatiron Building in downtown Manhattan. There is a beautiful park in front of it(Madison Gardens or Madison Square Gardens, can't remember). The ambiance is chic casual and you don't have to mortgage your house for a meal. They spray water into fans to cool the patrons off. It's actually quite a romantic little place. Like I said, book the flight.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Leave him alone...find your own life without him...and let him move on...and more than that...move on yourself..you too deserve a life

 

I really don't understand trying to manipulate and hang on to someone who obviously has moved on.

 

My husband and i were married 11 years and we had 2 children when i cheated....you were married such a short time...and have no children...and you cheated......what in the world are you trying to salvage and why? I just don't get it.

[Mind-Chants]

Book the flight, New York is beautiful this time of year, hot. Take him out for dinner maybe a little Italian. Try Mario Batali's Serra by Birreria, a funky little restaurant on the roof of of a 21 story building, check the weather report for rain first. I think it's beside the Flatiron Building in downtown Manhattan. There is a beautiful park in front of it(Madison Gardens or Madison Square Gardens, can't remember). The ambiance is chic casual and you don't have to mortgage your house for a meal. They spray water into fans to cool the patrons off. It's actually quite a romantic little place. Like I said, book the flight.

 

Second that

[Deepremorse5]

I don't have the skills to manipulate him. He could say no to me as now we are divorced or he could just ghost me like he did before, but he isn't doing any of it. Last time he came, we became intimate again. I just don't want to give up on him yet. We do text each other but it's not that frequent. Anyway, he is a bad texter and he did mention he has been entrusted with a critical project so he will be busy for a few months. I am just waiting for him.

[stillafool]

Leave him alone...find your own life without him...and let him move on...and more than that...move on yourself..you too deserve a life

 

I really don't understand trying to manipulate and hang on to someone who obviously has moved on.

 

My husband and i were married 11 years and we had 2 children when i cheated....you were married such a short time...and have no children...and you cheated......what in the world are you trying to salvage and why? I just don't get it.

 

Second this. He's already moved on. Let him go.

[Colin Grant]

Keep waiting for him. Keep at it until he tells you there's another. Battle to the end. Don't ignore his signals however if he's telling you to back off. Respect his boundaries. On the sex, don't get tricked into thinking anything here. He's a man and you're a woman. When men think sex is available and they're not repulsed by the woman, chances are he's going to hit it unless doing so would encumber him in some way. Then again, some guys don't care, but your husband strikes me as an honorable man. Honorable men don't necessarily turn down sex though. Just keeping it real here.

[Just a Guy]

Hi DeepRemorse, I have been away from the forum for a while and so when I saw your latest posts I was happy for you. The most important things are that, firstly, you have had a reasonable interval of time between your DDay and the present moment. This has given you the time to come to terms with your changed circumstances and to heal to an extent from the sudden fracture of your relationship with your ex husband. Also, because he moved across continents almost immediately, it gave both him and you the necessary space to mull over things and draw your own conclusions about the issues that led to your divorce. Your ex husband needed time away from you to heal and also to think things over. The bonds between you and him still exist otherwise he would have avoided you like the plague. That, in and of itself, should give you some hope but at the same time you should not pin your hopes to much on on any positive outcomes.

 

The other important fact about your situation is that you are now entrusted with a weighty responsibility in assuming control of your father's business. Responsibility has a way of maturing a person rather quickly and since you already have corporate experience you can draw on it to discharge your responsibilities in a more professional manner. Assuming this responsibility will also force you to eliminate any frivolous thoughts and emotions which can drag you down. You just may not have the time or leisure. So, all in all, I think you are well poised for a new and fruitful period in your life and this new phase in your life will help you to detach from your ex husband emotionally to some extent. I wish you the very best going forward.

[Deepremorse5]

Second this. He's already moved on. Let him go.

 

Keep waiting for him. Keep at it until he tells you there's another. Battle to the end. Don't ignore his signals however if he's telling you to back off. Respect his boundaries. On the sex, don't get tricked into thinking anything here. He's a man and you're a woman. When men think sex is available and they're not repulsed by the woman, chances are he's going to hit it unless doing so would encumber him in some way. Then again, some guys don't care, but your husband strikes me as an honorable man. Honorable men don't necessarily turn down sex though. Just keeping it real here.

 

Hi DeepRemorse, I have been away from the forum for a while and so when I saw your latest posts I was happy for you. The most important things are that, firstly, you have had a reasonable interval of time between your DDay and the present moment. This has given you the time to come to terms with your changed circumstances and to heal to an extent from the sudden fracture of your relationship with your ex husband. Also, because he moved across continents almost immediately, it gave both him and you the necessary space to mull over things and draw your own conclusions about the issues that led to your divorce. Your ex husband needed time away from you to heal and also to think things over. The bonds between you and him still exist otherwise he would have avoided you like the plague. That, in and of itself, should give you some hope but at the same time you should not pin your hopes to much on on any positive outcomes.

 

The other important fact about your situation is that you are now entrusted with a weighty responsibility in assuming control of your father's business. Responsibility has a way of maturing a person rather quickly and since you already have corporate experience you can draw on it to discharge your responsibilities in a more professional manner. Assuming this responsibility will also force you to eliminate any frivolous thoughts and emotions which can drag you down. You just may not have the time or leisure. So, all in all, I think you are well poised for a new and fruitful period in your life and this new phase in your life will help you to detach from your ex husband emotionally to some extent. I wish you the very best going forward.

 

It's not that I am not trying to distance emotionally from him. But every little thing that's happening kind of putting me in reverse direction. I stopped texting him for a few days and he broke the silence with a casual text. Only thing is that he never speaks about us. It's just what's happening now with our life. I am trying to give him the space to feel comfortable to discuss us before and now. Not sure if I will ever reach that point or not. But why still continue to be intimate with me. I am at a point where I don't have any kind of attraction to other men but him. It's a very frustrating situation for me too. I also want to be happy. Head knows it but my heart is just not allowing.

[Mind-Chants]

Even though I have encouraged you to pursue your ex husband, I feel what Mrs JA said might be true. With his personality and decision making style, he has already made the decision. Not likely to change. Wrt sex, he has nothing to lose.

[BTDT2012]

But why still continue to be intimate with me.

 

 

Because it is easy for him. He doesn't speak about "us" because for him there is no us. Don't be intimate with him in the hopes of getting him back. I don't think he views you as a respectable woman.

[Just a Guy]

Hi DeepRemorse, in response to your last post I would advise that you fix a mental time line for yourself as to when you are going to pull the plug on hopes of getting back with your husband. Once you cross that that mental limit just put your ex husband out of your mind and think of dating another man. You are young and you cannot spend the best years of your life pining for a phantom husband.

 

I would say that the lessons from your infidelity and divorce have been burned into your psyche and you have received counselling to help you cope and also understand what your short comings were which lead you to throw away your dream marriage. Now is the time to put those lessons to use in an entirely new relationship. People learn to cope with the death of loved ones in the family and adjust to the changed circumstances. In your case it is the death of your marriage. You have had time to grieve and you have to move out of the gloomy state of mind now for your own good. Think about it and then take a call. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi DeepRemorse, in response to your last post I would advise that you fix a mental time line for yourself as to when you are going to pull the plug on hopes of getting back with your husband. Once you cross that that mental limit just put your ex husband out of your mind and think of dating another man. You are young and you cannot spend the best years of your life pining for a phantom husband.

 

I would say that the lessons from your infidelity and divorce have been burned into your psyche and you have received counselling to help you cope and also understand what your short comings were which lead you to throw away your dream marriage. Now is the time to put those lessons to use in an entirely new relationship. People learn to cope with the death of loved ones in the family and adjust to the changed circumstances. In your case it is the death of your marriage. You have had time to grieve and you have to move out of the gloomy state of mind now for your own good. Think about it and then take a call. Warm wishes.

 

He has always been a bad communicator when it comes down to emotions and feelings. I mostly rely on his actions to figure out what exactly he intends to say. I am doing the same now too. Even when we started dating it was so confusing to me. I was never sure what he wanted. Gradually I have learnt to understand what he wants to convey.

 

Now I have a feeling (based on his actions) that he might give me another chance if not now, may be after few years. Trust me if he would have decided to stay away from me, I won't have heard from him at all. I am still trying to figure out what he wants. At this moment, I won't mind waiting for him at all.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deep Remorse, as long as you are clear in your mind, stick to your guns. I only hope it works out the way you want, for you. Be ready for the long haul and do give us periodic updates, hopefully positive, about your situation. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deep Remorse, as long as you are clear in your mind, stick to your guns. I only hope it works out the way you want, for you. Be ready for the long haul and do give us periodic updates, hopefully positive, about your situation. Warm wishes.

 

Nothing is clear to me. It's just a hope that what I am doing is right.Few weeks back, I had mailed him about some problem we are facing in our business. He called yesterday to discuss about it. I am seeing another side of him that I never witnessed. I might sound weird but intelligence is very very sexy.

 

Also, I have a feeling that he is seeing someone @ NYC. Just trying to stay strong.

[aliveagain]

Decide on an amount of time you are willing to wait for him, be reasonable. If there isn't enough positive movement coming your way move on knowing you gave it your all. I personally think he still loves you by his actions, love doesn't just stop even if he is angry with you. This is a path you created but don't let it define you, do the work you need to do on yourself to make you a safe partner again. Work on your business, smart men like smart women. Don't wait forever, live your life. I don't think he will want another man to get the woman he loves. Just my opinion.

[Mind-Chants]

Decide on an amount of time you are willing to wait for him, be reasonable. If there isn't enough positive movement coming your way move on knowing you gave it your all. I personally think he still loves you by his actions, love doesn't just stop even if he is angry with you. This is a path you created but don't let it define you, do the work you need to do on yourself to make you a safe partner again. Work on your business, smart men like smart women. Don't wait forever, live your life. I don't think he will want another man to get the woman he loves. Just my opinion.

 

Agree. He seem to be a very decisive guy. He decided to divorce you and he stuck to his will. I feel he is just trying to figure out the relationship dynamics with you now. At some stage, he will decide something. Most probably watching your every move closely. INTJs are details oriented. Whatever you are doing minus the emotions equals what he is observing.

[Colin Grant]

Nothing is clear to me. It's just a hope that what I am doing is right.Few weeks back, I had mailed him about some problem we are facing in our business. He called yesterday to discuss about it. I am seeing another side of him that I never witnessed. I might sound weird but intelligence is very very sexy.

 

Also, I have a feeling that he is seeing someone @ NYC. Just trying to stay strong.

 

It's safe to say he's seeing someone. I say this not to discourage you. He has some outstanding qualities that you took for granted early in your relationship, but others can see very clearly. He has integrity, ambition, successful and SINGLE in New York City. If it's not you, it will be someone. He's at the age where soon he will want to be a dad and have a family, but for the time being he's just living life and enjoying it.

[Deepremorse5]

Decide on an amount of time you are willing to wait for him, be reasonable. If there isn't enough positive movement coming your way move on knowing you gave it your all. I personally think he still loves you by his actions, love doesn't just stop even if he is angry with you. This is a path you created but don't let it define you, do the work you need to do on yourself to make you a safe partner again. Work on your business, smart men like smart women. Don't wait forever, live your life. I don't think he will want another man to get the woman he loves. Just my opinion.

 

I still hope he has love and affection for me after everything that has happened in the last one hand half years. The thing is that he is pushing me to date others. I have no idea if he just wants me to get into another relationship or a test for me. I have told him that I want no other man but him.

 

 

It's safe to say he's seeing someone. I say this not to discourage you. He has some outstanding qualities that you took for granted early in your relationship, but others can see very clearly. He has integrity, ambition, successful and SINGLE in New York City. If it's not you, it will be someone. He's at the age where soon he will want to be a dad and have a family, but for the time being he's just living life and enjoying it.

 

I sincerely hope he will give another chance to our relationship.

[bigman1]

I have been following your thread and this is genuinely the reverse image of a betrayed doing the pick me dance. You see hope when he says leave. He says date others and you think it is a test?! Come on, PLEASE.

 

You guys were married, so he will friendly. Not everyone hates their cheating exes. You had sex, but he let you know it was not relationship sex. You had been married and sexual partners so sex was not a hard thing to do. No courtship and other stuff. Familiarity made it easy.

 

Still, you are being really obsessive and delusional about stuff. You can pine away and all, but dear sweet baby yeezus, he seems done. If he wants you, he will let you know, but he seems like the kind of guy for whom this was an absolute deal breaker and barrier to ever getting back together.

 

He's friendly. He's involved with your family's business. He has all of those relationships and dynamics BUT he cannot and will not re-enlist in a committed relationship with you. I get his mindset. I can't speak for him, but he and I share some traits from what I gleaned from your story. Once that door closes, it is closed. Going back is failure. Going back is self betrayal. Going back is unconscionable. Going back is not on the table. Moving forward with new friendship dynamic that does not ignore other facets is fine.

Edited September 12, 2018 by bigman1

[Deepremorse5]

I have been following your thread and this is genuinely the reverse image of a betrayed doing the pick me dance. You see hope when he says leave. He says date others and you think it is a test?! Come on, PLEASE.

 

You guys were married, so he will friendly. Not everyone hates their cheating exes. You had sex, but he let you know it was not relationship sex. You had been married and sexual partners so sex was not a hard thing to do. No courtship and other stuff. Familiarity made it easy.

 

Still, you are being really obsessive and delusional about stuff. You can pine away and all, but dear sweet baby yeezus, he seems done. If he wants you, he will let you know, but he seems like the kind of guy for whom this was an absolute deal breaker and barrier to ever getting back together.

 

He's friendly. He's involved with your family's business. He has all of those relationships and dynamics BUT he cannot and will not re-enlist in a committed relationship with you. I get his mindset. I can't speak for him, but he and I share some traits from what I gleaned from your story. Once that door closes, it is closed. Going back is failure. Going back is self betrayal. Going back is unconscionable. Going back is not on the table. Moving forward with new friendship dynamic that does not ignore other facets is fine.

 

What you said might be true. It's just so difficult to read his feelings and emotions. I know I am making up a lot of stuff in my head to stay positive about our relationship. Again it's just me. He separates physical intimacy and emotional intimacy quite well. So I am just not reading too much into the situation wrt that. It's just that he is so sweet and caring that it just confuses me. Last week he was here on vacation for a grand festival. I was fasting and got sick. I needed medical attention and I had to be admitted to the hospital. He spent the entire night at the hospital. I didn't even know what to say after that as I was too emotional. Hope you understand why my emotions are all over the place.

[overtherainbow1]

What you said might be true. It's just so difficult to read his feelings and emotions. I know I am making up a lot of stuff in my head to stay positive about our relationship. Again it's just me. He separates physical intimacy and emotional intimacy quite well. So I am just not reading too much into the situation wrt that. It's just that he is so sweet and caring that it just confuses me. Last week he was here on vacation for a grand festival. I was fasting and got sick. I needed medical attention and I had to be admitted to the hospital. He spent the entire night at the hospital. I didn't even know what to say after that as I was too emotional. Hope you understand why my emotions are all over the place.

 

 

Hi, I'm new here but I have some advice for you: quit mind reading. You don't know what he's thinking, and it doesn't help your situation to worry about it. It seems to add to the roller coaster you are on. It was nice that he was there for you, but I'd drop the expectations.