Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, how are you getting along? You have been given good advice and accurate responses by the previous posters. Some of those responses may hurt but the fact is that they are true. The whole of life is a learning experience and right now you have learned a bitter lesson. Somehow I think that having been an only child in a well off family, you were insulated from the hard knocks school of life experiences while you were growing up and did not have to face hardships and bitter lessons before this. Probably your parents were protective especially considering you were a girl and you graduated into adult life without the tools to enable you to handle the problems of the adult world. This being your first hurtful experience has left you with nothing to help you handle it in an adult manner. This is why you took it so badly and this is why you were repeatedly physically sick and admitted to hospital.

 

Now that you have been through the crucible of purification and learning so to say, you will be much better equipped to handle adult life and make your decisions accordingly. You will probably make a good wife to someone else if you are able to internalize the bitter lessons you have learnt and will also make a good parent. That will be a very important factor as you would need to teach your future children the value of responsibility and acting responsibly in every situation they may face. I hope you are continuing with your meditation practice and do continue with the book that you have purchased. You will be better for it in the long run. Warm wishes.

Edited July 8, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, how are you getting along? You have been given good advice and accurate responses by the previous posters. Some of those responses may hurt but the fact is that they are true. The whole of life is a learning experience and right now you have learned a bitter lesson. Somehow I think that having been an only child in a well off family, you were insulated from the hard knocks school of life experiences while you were growing up and did not have to face hardships and bitter lessons before this. Probably your parents were protective especially considering you were a girl and you graduated into adult life without the tools to enable you to handle the problems of the adult world. This being your first hurtful experience has left you with nothing to help you handle it in an adult manner. This is why you took it so badly and this is why you were repeatedly physically sick and admitted to hospital.

 

Now that you have been through the crucible of purification and learning so to say, you will be much better equipped to handle adult life and make your decisions accordingly. You will probably make a good wife to someone else if you are able to internalize the bitter lessons you have learnt and will also make a good parent. That will be a very important factor as you would need to teach your future children the value of responsibility and acting responsibly in every situation they may face. I hope you are continuing with your meditation practice and do continue with the book that you have purchased. You will be better for it in the long run. Warm wishes.

 

I am sure my parents raised me well. What I did is not a reflection of how they raised me.

[travelbug1996]

Hi Deepremorse, how are you getting along? You have been given good advice and accurate responses by the previous posters. Some of those responses may hurt but the fact is that they are true. The whole of life is a learning experience and right now you have learned a bitter lesson. Somehow I think that having been an only child in a well off family, you were insulated from the hard knocks school of life experiences while you were growing up and did not have to face hardships and bitter lessons before this. Probably your parents were protective especially considering you were a girl and you graduated into adult life without the tools to enable you to handle the problems of the adult world. This being your first hurtful experience has left you with nothing to help you handle it in an adult manner. This is why you took it so badly and this is why you were repeatedly physically sick and admitted to hospital.

 

Now that you have been through the crucible of purification and learning so to say, you will be much better equipped to handle adult life and make your decisions accordingly. You will probably make a good wife to someone else if you are able to internalize the bitter lessons you have learnt and will also make a good parent. That will be a very important factor as you would need to teach your future children the value of responsibility and acting responsibly in every situation they may face. I hope you are continuing with your meditation practice and do continue with the book that you have purchased. You will be better for it in the long run. Warm wishes.

 

Sounds like you know this woman personally. The people here kill me with their self righteous advice. You have no idea what kinds of challenges this woman has had in her life. People in well adjusted families don't come upon hard times?

 

Come on. OP- guilt demands punishment. Forgive yourself, learn the lesson and move forward.

[Just a Guy]

Hi travel bug, thank you for your response to my post. The fact is that I have offered an opinion here on an anonymous forum to the OP. It is up to her to consider it or not. In fact she has responded to it with her own post and refuted what I had to say. However she apparently did not think of reprimanding me for what I had written as you appear to be doing. This is a public forum and people come here and offer opinions which cover a wide spectrum. You, too, have expressed your own opinion and I can say that is is relevant for the OP to take note of it. It is up to the person being offered those opinions to take what they want and ignore the rest. If there is anything objectionable about my post you are welcome to report me to the mods. However upbraiding me on the forum just shows poor spirit. Warm regards.

[Deepremorse5]

Not sure why people are so judgmental. As news of my divorce is getting around, people without knowing anything are blaming my husband. It is impacting me especially when my social group is doing it. Why some people are so nosy about another person's business.

 

I am sure some of them are happy that my marriage broke down. They were always jealous of my marriage.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[knabe]

Not sure why people are so judgmental. As news of my divorce is getting around, people without knowing anything are blaming my husband. It is impacting me especially when my social group is doing it. Why some people are so nosy about another person's business.

 

I am sure some of them are happy that my marriage broke down. They were always jealous of my marriage.

 

People will always talk. If you don't talk down your husband, then you are not responsible for their talk. And NO, you are NOT obligated to tell every one of them of your affair. No...you're not.

[understand50]

Then, I would step up and set them straight. I am sure your ex, does hear about such things, and you owning your actions would go a long way. Also, it is just the right thing to do.

 

I wish you luck....

[aliveagain]

People who have affairs never expect to get caught, they think the affair is only about them. The reality is infidelity affects everyone that loves you. That is why it is such a selfish act, you don't consider how it will affect everyone that is tied to your life, each and everyone of them got hurt in some way. Dishonouring your word can be like a death sentence in some cultures, specially if you live in a smaller community. My heritage is Italian, dishonouring my father, my mother, my family name is one of the worst things I could do. My culture is very much about "saving face." This may be why your husband decided to leave, is he a very proud man? How are your parents holding out, how is this affecting them? Have you thought more about visiting your husband?

[QuietDan]

Not sure why people are so judgmental. As news of my divorce is getting around, people without knowing anything are blaming my husband. It is impacting me especially when my social group is doing it. Why some people are so nosy about another person's business.

 

I am sure some of them are happy that my marriage broke down. They were always jealous of my marriage.

 

Isn't it interesting how some people find ways to blame the victim. You cheated and your husband gets blamed and his reputation is damaged.

It may be that you are there and he isn't. The ones hanging out with you in your social circle may feel obligated to take sides with you and assume and express the worse about your husband.

Did they personally know your husband?

Are you hanging out with other woman and men who are cheaters? Hanging out with people who constantly look for problems and faults with their marriage partners has a way about it to become contagious. It is alot easier to cheat when that is normal in the social circle a person stays in. A race to the bottom in that type of crowd.

It sounds like you proved to them they didn't have any reason to be jealous over your marriage. Misery loves company.

[drifter777]

Different cultures view the betrayed male spouse differently. Some, including my own (Italian) view a betrayed husband as a weak fool. The only way he can regain his stature in the family is to divorce his WW. Anything less and he is forever a cuckold - a person to be pitied but not accepted as an equal. There are other cultures that are very similar so perhaps her BH is simply doing what he has to do in order to regain his manhood. I completely understand that feeling and I'm sure many BH's do as well.

[Deepremorse5]

People will always talk. If you don't talk down your husband, then you are not responsible for their talk. And NO, you are NOT obligated to tell every one of them of your affair. No...you're not.

 

Then, I would step up and set them straight. I am sure your ex, does hear about such things, and you owning your actions would go a long way. Also, it is just the right thing to do.

 

I wish you luck....

 

They are speculating loudly that he left me for another woman. Trying to avoid them as much as possible. My counselor said I should go out and meet people. I was trying to do that. That's why I started hanging with them again after staying indoor for more than 3 months. May be I need more time to deal with situations related to my marriage.

[Deepremorse5]

People who have affairs never expect to get caught, they think the affair is only about them. The reality is infidelity affects everyone that loves you. That is why it is such a selfish act, you don't consider how it will affect everyone that is tied to your life, each and everyone of them got hurt in some way. Dishonouring your word can be like a death sentence in some cultures, specially if you live in a smaller community. My heritage is Italian, dishonouring my father, my mother, my family name is one of the worst things I could do. My culture is very much about "saving face." This may be why your husband decided to leave, is he a very proud man? How are your parents holding out, how is this affecting them? Have you thought more about visiting your husband?

 

It's very difficult for me to put in words about my parents feeling now.They are definitely hurt by my actions. My mom told me that she is not at all affected by the status of my relationship with my husband. The fact that I lost him is what hurting her.

 

Still undecided about visiting him. I am still a mess. Not sure if I would be in best of my behavior once I see him. So more time to decide.

 

Regarding my husband, I won't say proud but he is man with good self esteem. Very upfront in accepting his mistakes if he makes any. Equally articulate in his views. He belongs to INTJ personality type if you understand what it is.

[BTDT2012]

They are speculating loudly that he left me for another woman. Trying to avoid them as much as possible. My counselor said I should go out and meet people. I was trying to do that. That's why I started hanging with them again after staying indoor for more than 3 months. May be I need more time to deal with situations related to my marriage.

 

Perhaps meeting people who don't know your husband would be better for you.

[aliveagain]

It's very difficult for me to put in words about my parents feeling now.They are definitely hurt by my actions. My mom told me that she is not at all affected by the status of my relationship with my husband. The fact that I lost him is what hurting her.

 

Still undecided about visiting him. I am still a mess. Not sure if I would be in best of my behavior once I see him. So more time to decide.

 

Regarding my husband, I won't say proud but he is man with good self esteem. Very upfront in accepting his mistakes if he makes any. Equally articulate in his views. He belongs to INTJ personality type if you understand what it is.

 

He and I would get along well. Highly analytical, creative and logical, my kind of guy. I am a founder of a company in the medical devices world, I am an artist with works in Canada, USA and Mexico and I sit on the advisory Board with Presidents of some of the biggest medical companies in the world. I understand your husband. You should visit him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

He and I would get along well. Highly analytical, creative and logical, my kind of guy. I am a founder of a company in the medical devices world, I am an artist with works in Canada, USA and Mexico and I sit on the advisory Board with Presidents of some of the biggest medical companies in the world. I understand your husband. You should visit him.

 

I am curious as to why you believe deepremorse should visit him?

 

It seems to me because of the way your post was worded that you believe she should visit him because you admire and respect the natural gifts and talents he is endowed with. But, I could be wrong.

[aliveagain]

I believe she should visit him because they have a ways to go with each other, whatever that looks like.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OK, makes sense if I'm understanding you correctly.

 

You have somewhat of an insight into the person he seems to be so that your perception is that the two of them could do some more processing to the benefit of both parties.

[Deepremorse5]

He and I would get along well. Highly analytical, creative and logical, my kind of guy. I am a founder of a company in the medical devices world, I am an artist with works in Canada, USA and Mexico and I sit on the advisory Board with Presidents of some of the biggest medical companies in the world. I understand your husband. You should visit him.

 

Do you think visiting him atm would be a wise move ? I am scared. Not sure what he is thinking.

 

Not proud but I was going through his facebook. He is more active now than he ever was. Saw some new faces there. Mostly ladies. I am sure he is enjoying his life there without me. Don't want to disturb his peace of mind.

[BluesPower]

Do you think visiting him atm would be a wise move ? I am scared. Not sure what he is thinking.

 

Not proud but I was going through his facebook. He is more active now than he ever was. Saw some new faces there. Mostly ladies. I am sure he is enjoying his life there without me. Don't want to disturb his peace of mind.

 

You know what...

 

As bad as you messed up, and yeah it was bad. If HE is asking you to visit then go visit.

 

Go there with no expectations of any kind about any thing in any way.

 

But if he is asking, you kind of owe it to him to go see him...

[aliveagain]

Do you think visiting him atm would be a wise move ? I am scared. Not sure what he is thinking.

 

Not proud but I was going through his facebook. He is more active now than he ever was. Saw some new faces there. Mostly ladies. I am sure he is enjoying his life there without me. Don't want to disturb his peace of mind.

 

 

He is more active because he is in a new world and he is alone. If he is enjoying his life perhaps that will get rid of some of the imbalance your infidelity brought into his life. You are separated and divorcing and any enjoyment he is possibly getting wouldn't be considered cheating. You were hardly over your honeymoon when you started your affair, you were newly married and never really gave your marriage a chance, big difference.

 

The reason I think you should go to see him is so you can be part of his new memories, his new adventure in his new world. Right now your sliding into his past and I am suggesting you not allow that to happen if you want a chance to make things right with him. It is up to you, he didn't hurt you, you hurt yourself. When you chose the behaviour you also chose the consequences that went with that behaviour. Affairs are catastrophic to a marriage. Extra marital sex is in effect an attempt to escape a problem(not necessarily a problem within the marriage, the problem could be a foo issue), what was your problem? You need counselling to help you dig deep and find your root cause so you never make the same bad choices. Why not find a really good counsellor in Germany, if you get where I'm going with this.

[Cephalopod]

Do you think visiting him atm would be a wise move ? I am scared. Not sure what he is thinking.

 

Not proud but I was going through his facebook. He is more active now than he ever was. Saw some new faces there. Mostly ladies. I am sure he is enjoying his life there without me. Don't want to disturb his peace of mind.

 

Ask him if you can compete with them for him.

[anika99]

Today I got a call from my husband. We spoke for few minutes. At the end of conversation, he said you should visit here sometime. Why would he say that ? I want him to either absolutely hate me or love me. Anything in between is very painful.

 

Before you decide to visit your husband you need to get a handle on this self centred thinking of yours. You want your husband to absolutely love you or hate you because anything in between is to painful? First of all I'm sure your husband feels the same, that he would prefer to absolutely love or hate you. This in between stage is probably very painful for him too. You are the one who put both of you in this horrible state but you only talk about yourself and your pain. You seem to have very little concern or care about the pain you have caused your husband.

 

Secondly what exactly do you think happens during reconciliation after an affair? That the betrayed spouse decides that they absolutely love their cheating spouse and then they walk off into the sunset together, holding hands while the affair becomes a far away distant memory? That's not how reconciliation works. Even if your husband decided to take you back, he isn't going to absolutely love you again, at least not for a very long time. It will take him years to process what you did and he will feel stuck between loving you and hating you for much of that time. It will be extremely hard on him and your job will be to show him empathy and feel his pain, not whine about your own pain or talk about how he has to absolutely love you to make you feel better.

 

Really really think about that before you visit him. Think about if you truly have the fortitude to reconcile because if you get him back there will still be several years of pain ahead of you. If you can't take it then do not waste your husbands time, do not make him promises you can't keep and destroy him all over again. If you simply can't put aside your own pain and wants to help your husband then just wish him well and let him go.

[Krtk]

Do you think visiting him atm would be a wise move ? I am scared. Not sure what he is thinking.

 

Not proud but I was going through his facebook. He is more active now than he ever was. Saw some new faces there. Mostly ladies. I am sure he is enjoying his life there without me. Don't want to disturb his peace of mind.

 

First thing you need to process and accept the reality and the changes happening in your life are inflicted by you now you need to live up with that and he invited to visit him is purely a friendly manner I could say he friend zoned you and moved on sooner and later there's going to be another girl in his life so bottom life is now he's going to be your ex husband and no more romantic feeling you both going to carry here after atleast not from him so you have to accept him as your friend by heart if you can't do that don't visit him now stay strong and when you feel you can be comfortable around him without any odd feelings remember where that landed you in life the thing you carried on with your ex bf. Make sure your completely over your stbxh before entering into another relationship. The chances you have with your husband is less so there no other way to look at it as far as I could.

[Deepremorse5]

You know what...

 

As bad as you messed up, and yeah it was bad. If HE is asking you to visit then go visit.

 

Go there with no expectations of any kind about any thing in any way.

 

But if he is asking, you kind of owe it to him to go see him...

 

That is the reason I am hesitant. I just don't trust myself for doing the right things now. The moment I will see him, things will go downhill. That's why I am scared that I will fall back to where I was 2 months ago. You know I have a stupid heart. It did all the wrong things and now crying for her stupidity.

 

He is more active because he is in a new world and he is alone. If he is enjoying his life perhaps that will get rid of some of the imbalance your infidelity brought into his life. You are separated and divorcing and any enjoyment he is possibly getting wouldn't be considered cheating. You were hardly over your honeymoon when you started your affair, you were newly married and never really gave your marriage a chance, big difference.

 

The reason I think you should go to see him is so you can be part of his new memories, his new adventure in his new world. Right now your sliding into his past and I am suggesting you not allow that to happen if you want a chance to make things right with him. It is up to you, he didn't hurt you, you hurt yourself. When you chose the behaviour you also chose the consequences that went with that behaviour. Affairs are catastrophic to a marriage. Extra marital sex is in effect an attempt to escape a problem(not necessarily a problem within the marriage, the problem could be a foo issue), what was your problem? You need counselling to help you dig deep and find your root cause so you never make the same bad choices. Why not find a really good counsellor in Germany, if you get where I'm going with this.

 

I feel he is just being nice with me. He hasn't called or texted since. I just saw the girls in his friend list. Didn't see any pic. Don't know if anything happened. Don't want to know. But they are pretty.

He has changed his appearance. Since I liked clean shaved look, he used to have that. Now he has a trimmed beard look.

 

Ask him if you can compete with them for him.

 

I want no competition.

 

 

Before you decide to visit your husband you need to get a handle on this self centred thinking of yours. You want your husband to absolutely love you or hate you because anything in between is to painful? First of all I'm sure your husband feels the same, that he would prefer to absolutely love or hate you. This in between stage is probably very painful for him too. You are the one who put both of you in this horrible state but you only talk about yourself and your pain. You seem to have very little concern or care about the pain you have caused your husband.

 

Secondly what exactly do you think happens during reconciliation after an affair? That the betrayed spouse decides that they absolutely love their cheating spouse and then they walk off into the sunset together, holding hands while the affair becomes a far away distant memory? That's not how reconciliation works. Even if your husband decided to take you back, he isn't going to absolutely love you again, at least not for a very long time. It will take him years to process what you did and he will feel stuck between loving you and hating you for much of that time. It will be extremely hard on him and your job will be to show him empathy and feel his pain, not whine about your own pain or talk about how he has to absolutely love you to make you feel better.

 

Really really think about that before you visit him. Think about if you truly have the fortitude to reconcile because if you get him back there will still be several years of pain ahead of you. If you can't take it then do not waste your husbands time, do not make him promises you can't keep and destroy him all over again. If you simply can't put aside your own pain and wants to help your husband then just wish him well and let him go.

 

Many posters here have raised this point. Everybody complains that I am not concerned about his pain. But I feel this is not fair. Most of you got an opportunity to discuss with your BS about the affair and impacts. I never got that opportunity. We never discussed anything about it. Even he doesn't allow me to apologize for it. Said once is enough. No need to repeat the same thing again and again. I am/was more than willing to take the entire burden but he didn't want it. Since the discovery we have met few times and talked few times which was mostly about divorce proceedings and other things.

Also, I don't post everything here. I have intentionally avoided things that I have discussed with my husband out of this forum. I have given him the link to this forum. He will definitely not appreciate me writing those things here.

I request you not to put judgmental views here.

 

 

First thing you need to process and accept the reality and the changes happening in your life are inflicted by you now you need to live up with that and he invited to visit him is purely a friendly manner I could say he friend zoned you and moved on sooner and later there's going to be another girl in his life so bottom life is now he's going to be your ex husband and no more romantic feeling you both going to carry here after atleast not from him so you have to accept him as your friend by heart if you can't do that don't visit him now stay strong and when you feel you can be comfortable around him without any odd feelings remember where that landed you in life the thing you carried on with your ex bf. Make sure your completely over your stbxh before entering into another relationship. The chances you have with your husband is less so there no other way to look at it as far as I could.

 

I agree with you. This is actually how I feel about the situation right now.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Every time I look at my parents I see disappointment in their eyes. It hurts me to my core. My in-laws always treated me like their own daughter. I disappointed them too. I am hating myself more with each passing day.

 

Few days back it was my b'day. Not sure why but I had this small hope that my husband will finally call. I waited for his call the whole day but didn't receive anything. I guess that crushed me. Since then I am having disturbing thoughts. Hate to admit it but one time I thought about hurting myself. But spoke to my sister and she put some sense into me.

 

I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.

 

I know exactly how you feel....trust me I do. Even when my father died I wondered if he truly forgave me.