Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Chuck Finley]

Deepremorse5, first, it seems to me that you are a good person who has made a bad mistake. You will recover from this. You will get your husband back, or you will meet another good man and he will fall in love with you for the same reasons that your husband fell in love with you. So, you can easily have a wonderful life, in part, because you are a good, lovable person.

 

Second, if you want to make your husband fall back in love with you, you might want to take a page out of the BS's handbook and institute the 180. Start doing all of the things you would do if you had decided to move on. Start dating, buying new clothes, etc.

 

It's amazing how some spouses react when they see their partner moving on. All of a sudden you are no longer chasing him. It might happen that he will start chasing you. He will suddenly be calling you with things to discuss about the divorce. He will find something he objects to in the divorce, which will begin to slow the process. If this happens, don't run back to him. Give him the impression that you're still considering moving on. You've tried everything else. Maybe this might work.

[40somethingGuy]

I respect your viewpoint. It's not that I don't want to do it. Probably begging and pleading is the easiest thing I could do right now. But I know my husband, he is not going to appreciate this at all. He is kind of a person who likes things his own way. Most of the things we have are customized to our tastes. He likes that kind of control over things around him. If he is uncomfortable with certain things, he gets pretty vocal about it. Right now he wants to stay away from me. Back in june, I had sent him few texts pleading to give me another chance, his lawyer called me up to say not to do that. And we met for dinner after that incident and he didn't mention anything regarding that.

 

Actually, it's kind of funny how he handles emotional moments. He fast-forwards emotional scenes in the movies saying they are stupid. Even though he is very calm and composed, he processes his emotions internally in his own way. Hope you understand why flooding him with emotional pleadings won't work. If I will do that he will cut me out forever. I have seen him do it to others so I don't want to be in those shoes.

 

Regarding him breaking NC, there was no mention ever if he can call me or not. He called to discuss something regarding a property we have. Other things he discussed were after that. I am happy that at least he called not his shrewd legal rep.

 

Let him cut you out. He already has. I believe you learned from this but think about if you love your ex husband like you have shown why would you cheat? He has moved on. I realize you are in the mourning process. Take your time but then come to realize your value and give your heart to someone else. You can find love again. It may not seem so now but the less contact you have with him and the more you move on you can find love. I believe you learned from your past betrayal of your ex. Just don't obsess anymore. What good for you will that do? Have you thought about moving yourself and starting a new life and fresh start?

[Cobra_X]

Take your time but then come to realize your value and give your heart to someone else. You can find love again. It may not seem so now but the less contact you have with him and the more you move on you can find love. I believe you learned from your past betrayal of your ex. Just don't obsess anymore. What good for you will that do? Have you thought about moving yourself and starting a new life and fresh start?

 

I think this will be hard for her and will take a lot of time.

[afoolto no end]

I think you need to look at your situation very clearly and judge his actions and decisions in terms what he needs and wants for his life, he has made his decisions.

I really don't think anything you could ever do or say can sway him, that is up to him after he has had time maybe lots of time to process your marriage and you.

He may never adjust his thinking enough to change thing with you, he sounds very strong in his values his needs.

I say you be the best you, you can be. All you can do is wait, see if he contacts you, if he can forgive you.

Don't contact him, be agreeable to his needs because of what you ended.

Then leave it at that, block all social media so you can't see what he is doing and with who.

Let him live and learn, let him miss you, your life.

If he does he will contact you, if he doesn't don't contact him with anything.

Move on with your life, be open to life and where it leads you.

You may surprise yourself how happy you can be without him. What life has to offer you.

His life is his now, not yours, not the marriage.

 

You need to accept the consequences of your actions, there is nothing you can do with a man with such specific ways in terms of his values and needs.

Why bang your head against this wall when it won't matter what you do.

[Deepremorse5]

Let him cut you out. He already has. I believe you learned from this but think about if you love your ex husband like you have shown why would you cheat? He has moved on. I realize you are in the mourning process. Take your time but then come to realize your value and give your heart to someone else. You can find love again. It may not seem so now but the less contact you have with him and the more you move on you can find love. I believe you learned from your past betrayal of your ex. Just don't obsess anymore. What good for you will that do? Have you thought about moving yourself and starting a new life and fresh start?

 

Moving is not an option. I want to stay close to my parents. But I have changed job.

 

It's amazing how some spouses react when they see their partner moving on. All of a sudden you are no longer chasing him. It might happen that he will start chasing you. He will suddenly be calling you with things to discuss about the divorce. He will find something he objects to in the divorce, which will begin to slow the process. If this happens, don't run back to him. Give him the impression that you're still considering moving on. You've tried everything else. Maybe this might work.

 

It won't work on him. Already this russian/eastern european girl is all over him. If he feels that I have moved on, he will probably cut me out forever. Also he is not much of a social media user to know what is happening with my life. Only has fb which he uses rarely. Doesn't use instagram, twitter or snapchat.

 

 

My question to you is why did you do it? You have had quite sometime since your D Day to reflect on the reasons as to why you sabotaged your marriage and what was your thought pattern that allowed you to do something that you knew would doom your marriage. It would be interesting to know your line of thinking and your justification at the time for allowing yourself to do something which has now left you shattered. You do not have to answer if you don't want to but I think it would be cathartic for you to address those issues head on because that is where there is a kink in your personality which needs to be ironed out. Warm wishes.

 

I am still working on my emotional vulnerability.

[40somethingGuy]

Moving is not an option. I want to stay close to my parents. But I have changed job.

 

 

 

It won't work on him. Already this russian/eastern european girl is all over him. If he feels that I have moved on, he will probably cut me out forever. Also he is not much of a social media user to know what is happening with my life. Only has fb which he uses rarely. Doesn't use instagram, twitter or snapchat.

 

 

 

 

I am still working on my emotional vulnerability.

 

I meant move on not physically move rather mentally. Work to get over him accepting that you can't turn back and change things. Allow your heart to heal and allow yourself to love someone else.

[Just a Guy]

Hi DeepRemorse, it is good to know you are working on your vulnerabilities. Keep doing that till you are able to overcome them and become a more mature and balanced person.

 

The other thing is how do you know about this new lady in his life? You said he is not a social media type and he certainly could not be keeping you updated on his love life. If that be the case then the only way you are getting your information would be by stalking him. If that is true then I think you are setting yourself up for further heart break and pain. Your only way of being able to heal is to let go and start with a clean emotional slate. If you keep going back to your painful past you will be stuck in one place and will not be able to heal. What is done is done. Learn from it, grieve if you have'nt done so yet and then let it go. Presume your ex husband is like someone who died. Whatever you do and whatever you wish for will not bring him back to you. Even assuming that at a later date he does come back in your life even as your husband, both you and he are not going to be the same people you were before. Both of you will be new versions of yourselves. What I am trying to tell you is not to pine for the past but to look ahead cheerfully to the future. That will be your only mantra for success. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi DeepRemorse, it is good to know you are working on your vulnerabilities. Keep doing that till you are able to overcome them and become a more mature and balanced person.

 

The other thing is how do you know about this new lady in his life? You said he is not a social media type and he certainly could not be keeping you updated on his love life. If that be the case then the only way you are getting your information would be by stalking him. If that is true then I think you are setting yourself up for further heart break and pain. Your only way of being able to heal is to let go and start with a clean emotional slate. If you keep going back to your painful past you will be stuck in one place and will not be able to heal. What is done is done. Learn from it, grieve if you have'nt done so yet and then let it go. Presume your ex husband is like someone who died. Whatever you do and whatever you wish for will not bring him back to you. Even assuming that at a later date he does come back in your life even as your husband, both you and he are not going to be the same people you were before. Both of you will be new versions of yourselves. What I am trying to tell you is not to pine for the past but to look ahead cheerfully to the future. That will be your only mantra for success. Warm wishes.

 

Not sure if they are a thing or not. I was just checking out who are his new friends there. There was a period when we was active in fb. Now it has stopped. She has liked many pics of his that goes back 5 - 6 years. Plus she is super pretty with long legs. His type without doubt. I can't help but compare myself with her. I know not a good idea. I am trying to control my urge to check her fb and Instagram. Pls don't judge.

 

But the good thing is his fb still says married to me. So that should keep some girls away for the time being before he realizes it's there.

[aliveagain]

Not sure if they are a thing or not. I was just checking out who are his new friends there. There was a period when we was active in fb. Now it has stopped. She has liked many pics of his that goes back 5 - 6 years. Plus she is super pretty with long legs. His type without doubt. I can't help but compare myself with her. I know not a good idea. I am trying to control my urge to check her fb and Instagram. Pls don't judge.

 

But the good thing is his fb still says married to me. So that should keep some girls away for the time being before he realizes it's there.

 

Perhaps it's intentional.

[Deepremorse5]

Perhaps it's intentional.

 

I don't think it's intentional. This thing is too petty for him. The shrewd lawyer who speaks the hard truth in a rough way, that's intentional. He knows that impacts me a lot. Anyway I never found them in any picture that would suggest anything is happening between them. And all pictures were in a group setting. Never both of them alone in a single frame. But what worries me is that she is prettier than me with long legs and nice hair. Everything my husband likes in a girl. Plus he has a thing for Russian girls. When he was in Montreal (almost 6 years back), he had a Russian girlfriend (also very pretty).

 

My parents are of the opinion that my husband look into things very objectively, divorce might make sense to him at this moment. But he will change his ways with me after the divorce is finalized. Now he is just trying to unburden himself. I don't want to get my hopes up. I have accepted that I have lost him.

[aliveagain]

I don't think it's intentional. This thing is too petty for him. The shrewd lawyer who speaks the hard truth in a rough way, that's intentional. He knows that impacts me a lot. Anyway I never found them in any picture that would suggest anything is happening between them. And all pictures were in a group setting. Never both of them alone in a single frame. But what worries me is that she is prettier than me with long legs and nice hair. Everything my husband likes in a girl. Plus he has a thing for Russian girls. When he was in Montreal (almost 6 years back), he had a Russian girlfriend (also very pretty).

 

My parents are of the opinion that my husband look into things very objectively, divorce might make sense to him at this moment. But he will change his ways with me after the divorce is finalized. Now he is just trying to unburden himself. I don't want to get my hopes up. I have accepted that I have lost him.

 

Sounds like the kind of woman every man is looking for, certainly meets my criteria assuming she has a brain. The women in Montreal are very beautiful, I too spent a lot of time there. Reading everything you have written about your husband I can't for the life of me understand why you would throw all that away. If I a stranger have a hard time trying to understand your logic for doing so everyone around you must be wondering about your sanity. Your life must be hell right now because you absolutely have to find out why so you never go down that path again. My ex wife is from Montreal, she cheated three months into our marriage.

[Deepremorse5]

Sounds like the kind of woman every man is looking for, certainly meets my criteria assuming she has a brain. The women in Montreal are very beautiful, I too spent a lot of time there. Reading everything you have written about your husband I can't for the life of me understand why you would throw all that away. If I a stranger have a hard time trying to understand your logic for doing so everyone around you must be wondering about your sanity. Your life must be hell right now because you absolutely have to find out why so you never go down that path again. My ex wife is from Montreal, she cheated three months into our marriage.

 

I am still struggling with this. I don't know why. Even my parents asked the same question. Other than me being stupid and selfish, I can't find any other reason. I am still struggling to make eye contact with people including my parents. Never been so ashamed of me.

[deadsoul]

I am still struggling with this. I don't know why. Even my parents asked the same question. Other than me being stupid and selfish, I can't find any other reason. I am still struggling to make eye contact with people including my parents. Never been so ashamed of me.

 

This has been a hard lesson for you, just as mine has been a hard one for me. At some point, we have to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes and move forward. You are still stuck. Counseling has helped me a lot, I haven't read back in your thread awhile, has it been an option for you? Read "The Power of Now"

[DKT3]

I am still struggling with this. I don't know why. Even my parents asked the same question. Other than me being stupid and selfish, I can't find any other reason. I am still struggling to make eye contact with people including my parents. Never been so ashamed of me.

 

I recall reading your thread and thinking, wow she mistakes his kindness for weakness. I believe it was your birthday and you were so sure he would reach out.

 

This is why you had the affair, somewhere inside you, you had convinced yourself that he would accept anything and still be there. In my opinion, this is how the vast majority of WW are thinking before and during affairs.

[DKT3]

This has been a hard lesson for you, just as mine has been a hard one for me. At some point, we have to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes and move forward. You are still stuck. Counseling has helped me a lot, I haven't read back in your thread awhile, has it been an option for you? Read "The Power of Now"

 

I didn't like that book, to much of the message was living for now. I think deep needs to reach into her past, she still has no clue how she got here, or not willing to accept it.

[Cephalopod]

I am still struggling with this. I don't know why. Even my parents asked the same question. Other than me being stupid and selfish, I can't find any other reason. I am still struggling to make eye contact with people including my parents. Never been so ashamed of me.

 

For whatever reason you grew up with a false image of yourself. Your real self fought against that construct and eventually won. Your task is to dig deep and really look at yourself objectively, and I mean really stand back and take stock of every decision you have made in your life, and question the motivation for making those decisions. I think if you do this, with good therapist to help you, you might be shocked at what you learn about yourself.

[Cullenbohannon]

I am still struggling with this. I don't know why. Even my parents asked the same question. Other than me being stupid and selfish, I can't find any other reason. I am still struggling to make eye contact with people including my parents. Never been so ashamed of me.

 

Just a Guy wrote the word Sabotage.

 

You knew the type of man your husband was. You knew the likelihood that he would discover your affair, and divorce you, was high. And you still took your affair public.

 

You may have subconsciously killed your marriage, because deep inside, you never wanted it in the first place. You may have loved your H, but even your actions post Dday, reflect the value you had/have on the marriage.

 

It is easy to kill something that means so little.

Edited November 6, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[adna89]

I don't think it's intentional. This thing is too petty for him. The shrewd lawyer who speaks the hard truth in a rough way, that's intentional. He knows that impacts me a lot. Anyway I never found them in any picture that would suggest anything is happening between them. And all pictures were in a group setting. Never both of them alone in a single frame. But what worries me is that she is prettier than me with long legs and nice hair. Everything my husband likes in a girl. Plus he has a thing for Russian girls. When he was in Montreal (almost 6 years back), he had a Russian girlfriend (also very pretty).

 

My parents are of the opinion that my husband look into things very objectively, divorce might make sense to him at this moment. But he will change his ways with me after the divorce is finalized. Now he is just trying to unburden himself. I don't want to get my hopes up. I have accepted that I have lost him.

 

Most probably he will never forgive you,he can get much better..not trying to be harsh,but why would he take you back? handsome guy,inteligent,very nice based on how you described him...any girl will want him.Look i know how you feel,love problems is the hardest thing we can have,especially if its our own fault.but we have to accept our decisions and what it led to.

 

Life is like this,maybe this was a test and you failed or maybe God has some other plans for you and this is way to get there?

Edited November 6, 2017 by adna89

[adna89]

I understand. If he would have ever said I miss you, I want you to come here, I would have traveled in a heart beat without asking questions.

 

Then again reading this,you seem to be a little bit too proud considering you cheated? if i cheated and loved my husband i would cry,beg,stalk everything...and if i was a wife of a husband who cheated the only way i would forgive him is if he fought as hell to get me back

 

he will not tell you this of course,and of course he will say do not try to beg,,he is hurt,but you need to be more deep than that,and understand few things.You cheated you can not sit an wait he will call.I have not read whole topic sorry if i am off,but what is the most you did to try to get him back?

[BarbedFenceRider]

If you cannot learn to forgive yourself, after truly admitting what is wrong and why you did it. How can you expect to have anyone else do the same? Ask yourself what you truly want, and what are you willing to do to have it. What makes you happy, truly happy. Maybe this marriage is toast. But it doesn't mean a healthy relationship with your STBEX is not achievable. In fact, if love is there. Starting anew would be a beautiful thing. But first, try reading John 8. Even if you are not really into bible reading, it should give you some perspective.

[merrmeade]

No, too late for books. Just get a therapist. A good one. It's an investment that will enrich the rest of your life. Tell yourself it's temporary - and it is. You need help getting out of this shame paralysis. You need to forgive while holding yourself accountable at the same time. It's possible to do both along with a few other things you need to work on, but you and your therapist would decide what those are. You're a grown woman and don't have to tell your parents or anyone else you're seeing a therapist if that's a problem. You've done as much as you can by yourself and we can't help you any more. It's time.

[Deepremorse5]

Then again reading this,you seem to be a little bit too proud considering you cheated? if i cheated and loved my husband i would cry,beg,stalk everything...and if i was a wife of a husband who cheated the only way i would forgive him is if he fought as hell to get me back

 

he will not tell you this of course,and of course he will say do not try to beg,,he is hurt,but you need to be more deep than that,and understand few things.You cheated you can not sit an wait he will call.I have not read whole topic sorry if i am off,but what is the most you did to try to get him back?

 

It's not that I have not tried anything. Initial days after d-day when I had no idea where he was, I stood outside his office for hours hoping to meet him. I did this for 2 weeks straight. I had called him more than thousand times hoping he would pick. It was never easy. I never got to meet him(he had changed job) and he never picked my call(he had changed his number). What I did was wrong. Maybe I deserved that kind of punishment. All I wanted that moment was to see him and apologize for all the hurt I had caused. I never wanted him to forgive me and take things back to normal in one shot. All I wanted was to ask for another opportunity to prove myself.

 

Frankly I have no pride left in me. I am not begging or crying in front him only because I don't want to get hurt again. If only you live through what was happening with me in those initial few weeks, you would understand why I am not trying those things. Every time I called I had a hope that he will pick up the call. Anytime I saw someone enter the office campus from a distance, I had the hope that it's him. Each time I crashed and burned.

 

 

I recall reading your thread and thinking, wow she mistakes his kindness for weakness. I believe it was your birthday and you were so sure he would reach out.

 

This is why you had the affair, somewhere inside you, you had convinced yourself that he would accept anything and still be there. In my opinion, this is how the vast majority of WW are thinking before and during affairs.

 

You are right. That is my own assessment. He was always so forgiving that I pushed away my boundries.

[Deepremorse5]

No, too late for books. Just get a therapist. A good one. It's an investment that will enrich the rest of your life. Tell yourself it's temporary - and it is. You need help getting out of this shame paralysis. You need to forgive while holding yourself accountable at the same time. It's possible to do both along with a few other things you need to work on, but you and your therapist would decide what those are. You're a grown woman and don't have to tell your parents or anyone else you're seeing a therapist if that's a problem. You've done as much as you can by yourself and we can't help you any more. It's time.

 

I need my parents. I have no shame in letting them know of any issues i am having. They are my support system now. Actually, I am having counseling sessions with someone. But getting an appointment is very difficult. Till date, I had only 5 sessions with her.

[adna89]

Have you not yet seen him? in those few cases you did have contact,how was that going,did he reach out ?write a very emotional letter maybe,you open up totally,but really,not to get him back but to tell what is on your heart

 

If he loves you maybe one day or even in a year,two he might forgive you and you can proove yourself,but now its too early.If its meant to be it will ,but you need to accept most probably this is the end.Not saying you do not regret this,you will maybe even regret till your death but some people see this as a dealbreaker...and if there is a chance its only when time heals the wounds

Edited November 7, 2017 by adna89

[merrmeade]

OP, you either didn't read or didn't understand a freaking word I said. I did not use the word "support" anywhere - nor would I. What I said was:

... Just get a therapist. A good one. It's an investment that will enrich the rest of your life. Tell yourself it's temporary - and it is. You need help getting out of this shame paralysis. You need to forgive while holding yourself accountable at the same time. It's possible to do both along with a few other things you need to work on, but you and your therapist would decide what those are. You're a grown woman and don't have to tell your parents or anyone else you're seeing a therapist if that's a problem. You've done as much as you can by yourself and we can't help you any more...

I don't for one second believe you need another shoulder to cry on. In fact, I feel like slapping myself for reining in my normal impatience and disgust when another wayward confuses self-absorbed shame with "deep remorse." You can just ignore the obsequious drivel in my previous posts. My first impulse was right since this is all you got out of that post:

I need my parents. I have no shame in letting them know of any issues i am having. They are my support system now. Actually, I am having counseling sessions with someone. But getting an appointment is very difficult. Till date, I had only 5 sessions with her.

Look, DR: Your affair was as much a surreal ego trip into limerence orbit as another. You enjoyed being OM's world for a time as he heaped flattery and admiration on you, but with exposure you experienced public humiliation and, thus, your descent into the me, me, me world of shame for my, my, my actions.

 

No, Your parents are programmed to protect and comfort you. They may not be useful in helping you face painful truths. Therapy may not be easy or comforting at times because delusion cannot stand for long when you are talking about reality and what's true. therapy is no more limited to 'support' than shame is to remorse. Counseling is just as much a misnomer.

 

Whatever.

Edited November 7, 2017 by merrmeade