Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[merrmeade]

Good for you, DR. You've come such a long way. It's been touching to watch you slowly change. I hope you continue in this direction regardless of what happens in your marriage and enjoy yourself as a better, more honest person to yourself.

[LivingWaterPlease]

This is really great news, DR! I couldn't be happier for you! I won't post any advice for you because others have already given you some good words. Prayers for you and your H, and thanks for the update!

[Deepremorse5]

Very good news, just be yourself, follow his lead, go there with no expectations and have fun. Your both in a foreign city depending on each other, don't let the pressures from back home interfere. That is a huge change.

 

I hope things will be great. I have dropped a request for NYC transfer with my management. Till now no progress in that matter. It might take months before this becomes a reality or even worse it might not happen.

 

Hi Deepremorse, this is very good news. Just remember to keep your head and do not get too emotional about things. Your husband is very level headed and I doubt he would be appreciative of any histrionics on your part. You have had a whole year to think things over and to understand why you did certain things the way you did. This will help you answer any questions that come up in an even handed and level headed manner.

 

Please do keep us updated as to how things go with you two and I hope you have a good time in Frankfurt. Please be restrained in every way and I think you will come out a winner. As always, let your husband take the lead. Warm wishes.

 

I will keep you all updated. It's been a year since I last travelled to any place. So I am little excited to go somewhere else.

I know I need to work to better manage my emotions. Still struggling with that. I hope I would be able to control my emotions in front of my husband. I must confess after he said ok to my visit, I have cried a little. Probably going to cry myself out during the flight so that I will be prepared to meet him.

 

 

Remember to be totally honest with him in all things. Don't get pushy with him. Let him lead.

 

Definitely, I will be if he asks me questions. I am more than open to discuss anything. There are few things that I have realized in last few months and I want to convey them to him. I am hoping to have some quality time with him. I hope it's only both of us. I have no idea about his social life there.

 

The good thing is I asked for hotels around, he said he will take care and not to worry about it. I am not sure if I am going to stay with him or he is going to book a hotel for me.

 

Good for you, DR. You've come such a long way. It's been touching to watch you slowly change. I hope you continue in this direction regardless of what happens in your marriage and enjoy yourself as a better, more honest person to yourself.

 

Thanks. I am trying.

 

This is really great news, DR! I couldn't be happier for you! I won't post any advice for you because others have already given you some good words. Prayers for you and your H, and thanks for the update!

 

Thanks.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I hope things will be great. I have dropped a request for NYC transfer with my management. Till now no progress in that matter. It might take months before this becomes a reality or even worse it might not happen.

 

I will keep you all updated. It's been a year since I last travelled to any place. So I am little excited to go somewhere else.

I know I need to work to better manage my emotions. Still struggling with that. I hope I would be able to control my emotions in front of my husband. I must confess after he said ok to my visit, I have cried a little. Probably going to cry myself out during the flight so that I will be prepared to meet him.

 

Definitely, I will be if he asks me questions. I am more than open to discuss anything. There are few things that I have realized in last few months and I want to convey them to him. I am hoping to have some quality time with him. I hope it's only both of us. I have no idea about his social life there.

 

The good thing is I asked for hotels around, he said he will take care and not to worry about it. I am not sure if I am going to stay with him or he is going to book a hotel for me.

 

Thanks. I am trying.

 

Thanks.

 

The bolded is such good news to hear! Sounds very good to me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Just curious...How did this visit come about? Did you contact him and tell him you decided to take him up on his invitation to visit Germany? Or did he contact you again and invite you to come and see him?

 

It sounds to me like you contacted him...reinvited yourself to visit him...and he agreed.

 

I hope you are not being unrealistic in your expectations. You still seem to be hellbent on winning him back...and he seems to be hellbent on moving on without you.

 

I think you are living in a fantasy world....his answer about where you will stay indicates to me...he will arrange for a hotel. I truly feel you are about to be crushed...but then you are the one telling the story...

[Deepremorse5]

Just curious...How did this visit come about? Did you contact him and tell him you decided to take him up on his invitation to visit Germany? Or did he contact you again and invite you to come and see him?

 

It sounds to me like you contacted him...reinvited yourself to visit him...and he agreed.

 

I hope you are not being unrealistic in your expectations. You still seem to be hellbent on winning him back...and he seems to be hellbent on moving on without you.

 

I think you are living in a fantasy world....his answer about where you will stay indicates to me...he will arrange for a hotel. I truly feel you are about to be crushed...but then you are the one telling the story...

 

Mrs. JA: I truly appreciate your words as you are one of the few people who understands my husband very well.

 

Yes, I took the opportunity to call him and let him know I am visiting. Also checked with him if he is fine with it. Given his workload, he had a genuine reason to say no and he often says it if he has some work but he said he will manage.

 

In last 1 year, I have learnt to set my expectations with my husband at the worst possible situation. I offered to stay in a hotel and he said he will arrange. He could have said you will stay at my place. But he didn't. I know for sure I am staying at a hotel. Most probably he will find a convenient location near to his home or office is my best possible guess. But I won't deny, I have this faintest hope that I will stay at his place. He even offered to book my flight tickets. But I did on my own anyway.

 

I am also expecting to hear the worst " Hey meet my GF XXXX". My expectation level is at this level currently. So where I stay is completely irrelevant to me. I am ok to stay in a hotel.

 

But yes it is true that I am trying to win him back. Why won't I?? I know I messed up the beautiful thing we had but that doesn't mean I will give up.

But I understand what you are saying. I said the same thing few posts back. I have a feeling something will go wrong and I am not happy or excited about it. What is happening now is not something I had thought will happen. It only points to one direction, a major shocker is on its way. I can't do anything about it. Just keeping my fingers crossed.

 

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear."

[Mrs. John Adams]

So you invited yourself...he is too much of a gentleman to tell you to stay out of his life....you already know you are staying in a hotel...however...in your posts you are trying make it sound like...

 

he still wants you

 

If he wanted you...he would pursue you....he would offer to fly you to him and ask you to stay with him. He would actually do or say something that would give you hope. He hasn't.

 

Instead...you come here...tell us an enhanced story in order to make us think that there is still a chance that you have changed and that this will turn out happily ever after. You are still trying to manipulate him into taking you back....and this information alone tells me he needs to run...because...in all of these pages of advice...you still don't get it.

[Deepremorse5]

So you invited yourself...he is too much of a gentleman to tell you to stay out of his life....you already know you are staying in a hotel...however...in your posts you are trying make it sound like...

 

he still wants you

 

If he wanted you...he would pursue you....he would offer to fly you to him and ask you to stay with him. He would actually do or say something that would give you hope. He hasn't.

 

Instead...you come here...tell us an enhanced story in order to make us think that there is still a chance that you have changed and that this will turn out happily ever after. You are still trying to manipulate him into taking you back....and this information alone tells me he needs to run...because...in all of these pages of advice...you still don't get it.

 

I am not going there thinking he wants me. And I have nowhere mentioned that he wants me. I am not sure if you are misreading or over analyzing my words. Many have said to me to stay away from him. I feel it's the cultural difference at play here. You are more individualistic but I am not. Most people won't agree with your line of thinking here. If I don't do anything, I am at fault.

 

Anyway, my whole point which I have communicated to him is: I will be waiting till you are ready. But that doesn't mean I will sit idle and do nothing. Might work for many but not for us.

[Deepremorse5]

Just for add: I have nothing to gain by feeling good about the situation in an anonymous forum.

 

No disrespect to all who took their valuable time to give their opinions and views, I don't have to blindly follow circumstantial suggestions given out here when the whole story isn't out there.

[stillafool]

I am not going there thinking he wants me. And I have nowhere mentioned that he wants me. I am not sure if you are misreading or over analyzing my words. Many have said to me to stay away from him. I feel it's the cultural difference at play here. You are more individualistic but I am not. Most people won't agree with your line of thinking here. If I don't do anything, I am at fault.

 

Anyway, my whole point which I have communicated to him is: I will be waiting till you are ready. But that doesn't mean I will sit idle and do nothing. Might work for many but not for us.

 

Just so you know I agree with Mrs. Adams.

[Cephalopod]

So you invited yourself...he is too much of a gentleman to tell you to stay out of his life....you already know you are staying in a hotel...however...in your posts you are trying make it sound like...

 

he still wants you

 

If he wanted you...he would pursue you....he would offer to fly you to him and ask you to stay with him. He would actually do or say something that would give you hope. He hasn't.

 

Instead...you come here...tell us an enhanced story in order to make us think that there is still a chance that you have changed and that this will turn out happily ever after. You are still trying to manipulate him into taking you back....and this information alone tells me he needs to run...because...in all of these pages of advice...you still don't get it.

 

 

Maybe...maybe not. There are some men who enjoy being pursued and chased.

 

 

It is very possible he is **** testing her to see if she will compete for him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Deepremorse...

The one message I have tried to send to you this entire time is selflessness.

 

You committed adultery.. the biggest betrayal you could have done to your spouse. You thought only of you and nothing of him.

 

You are continuing to display selfish behavior... because this is still all about you. You are planning this trip for your benefit not his... you invited yourself.. you called him.

 

You still have ties to him.. if he wanted to contact you he certainly could.

 

You want to go visit him in hopes that he will take you back. Not for his sake... but for yours

 

You still believe that you deserve him

 

And are not thinking about him

But about you

[Deepremorse5]

Just so you know I agree with Mrs. Adams.

 

By here I meant, in my society.

[Deepremorse5]

Deepremorse...

The one message I have tried to send to you this entire time is selflessness.

 

You committed adultery.. the biggest betrayal you could have done to your spouse. You thought only of you and nothing of him.

 

You are continuing to display selfish behavior... because this is still all about you. You are planning this trip for your benefit not his... you invited yourself.. you called him.

 

You still have ties to him.. if he wanted to contact you he certainly could.

 

You want to go visit him in hopes that he will take you back. Not for his sake... but for yours

 

You still believe that you deserve him

 

And are not thinking about him

But about you

 

I don't disagree with you completely. Maybe I am still being selfish. But I don't pursue him, he will just walk away. I won't even have a chance.

[Deepremorse5]

Maybe...maybe not. There are some men who enjoy being pursued and chased.

 

 

It is very possible he is **** testing her to see if she will compete for him.

 

He likes being chased.It was me who had actually pursued him initially.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And if he just walks away...which he did by the way...why can't you accept that that is the answer that is best for him?

 

When I confessed to my husband about my affair...I said to him...i understand that you must do what is best for you. I will do whatever you need and I will ask for nothing. My husband gave me the gift of reconciliation...it was HIS decision...It was what i wanted..but it had to be his choice. We were poor...we had 2 children. I am certain part of his decision was about finances...but it was also an emotional decision. He still loved me.

 

when your husband found out abut your infidelity...he immediately divorced you and removed you from his life. You have no children...you are both financially stable....He obviously had no reason in his own mind to give you the gift of reconciliation.

 

and yet... you have through this whole process... tried to figure out how to get him back...not for his sake...but for yours.

 

He has had every opportunity to change his mind...he hasn't.

 

All I am saying is why? Do you need his money? Do you need his companionship? Do you need his prestige? Do you need TO WIN?

 

You don't have to answer these questions for me...but you really need to answer them for yourself.

[Cullenbohannon]

I completely disagree. The only person who knows what's in your heart is you DR. I don't get how anyone can remotely suggest that you NOT try to reach out to your husband.

 

The only person who can tell you wether or not you deserve reconcilliation is your husband. If you truly love him and have a shot at forgiveness, then by any means necessary....go for it.

 

Do not live in fear. Go to Germany and have a good time. It may work out and it may not. But if you fail to try, then you will never know.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I did not say she did not deserve reconciliation....I said HE has chosen to NOT reconcile. Which is exactly what you just said.

 

The only person who can tell you wether or not you deserve reconcilliation is your husband

 

The choice to reconcile...the choice to forgive her...is her husbands. No matter how much she wants it...she cannot make him.

 

He has not reached out to her...but she has continually reached out to him. Does that not say something about the way he is feeling? He has known this entire time that she wants him back. She has made that very clear to him. He has ignored her advances....

 

So she is still continuing to try to manipulate him into taking her back.

[Cephalopod]

Maybe he likes her trying to manipulate him. Maybe that's what he wants to see: some real desire and effort on her part to win him back.

[Deepremorse5]

I did not say she did not deserve reconciliation....I said HE has chosen to NOT reconcile. Which is exactly what you just said.

 

The only person who can tell you wether or not you deserve reconcilliation is your husband

 

The choice to reconcile...the choice to forgive her...is her husbands. No matter how much she wants it...she cannot make him.

 

He has not reached out to her...but she has continually reached out to him. Does that not say something about the way he is feeling? He has known this entire time that she wants him back. She has made that very clear to him. He has ignored her advances....

 

So she is still continuing to try to manipulate him into taking her back.

 

Why do you feel I am manipulating him? I have been honest with him. He can always say "Stay away from me". Trust me if he has to say it, he will say without any hesitation. And it's too early for me to simply give up without even trying.

 

The most important thing, I don't have the talent or skill to go there and manipulate him. Infront of him, I am like a sign language gorilla monkey.

[Deepremorse5]

Just for information, he is proceeding with the divorce. Just that it's going to be by May or June.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why do you want a man who clearly does not want you? I don't understand.

 

He left you...he moved to another country...he filed for a divorce...he has not contacted you. I do not understand what more he can do to tell you...he is finished.

 

I understand why you still want him....I don't understand what he has to do do tell you he no longer wants you. You crossed his line...

 

I am not trying to be mean...I have tried the whole time you have been here to get your to understand reality. Even if he takes you back...which i seriously doubt...the road ahead of you will be so very long and hard. I had children....there was a reason for us to TRY reconciliation. In my heart i believe...if we had no children...we would have divorced....and even if we had tried reconciliation...at some point...we would have divorced. You have no idea of the work ahead of you to successfully reconcile....and that is IF and it is a big IF...he even gives you the chance.

 

In our case...no one else knew what i had done. In your case...everyone knows what you did and they know he is divorcing you. This compounds things tremendously. He not only has to heal from what you did...he has to deal with the embarrassment of what you did and the know;edge that everyone knows he is divorcing you.

 

Can you overcome all of this? Maybe. Are you both willing to put in the work it will require? You can tell me how remorseful you are all day long....you still have no idea. You are still thinking about what is best for you...not what is best for him. That is not remorse.

[Cullenbohannon]

What purpose does it serve to repeatedly tell someone that their sin is so great and they are beyond redemption.

 

This is her life and if she has 1 shot at redemption and it is in her heart, then she should take it.

 

No one knows what the future holds. Instead of telling some one they cant do something, perhaps we should wish this woman well and maybe 33 years down the line she can post about how she almost lost everything.

 

She heard everything that was said. She is going, as she should. If she falls, then she falls.

Edited March 2, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree that whether or not you and your H reconcile or are ever together again, you need to follow your heart in this or you will always wonder "what if."

 

I hold to the idea that generally if a man wants a woman he will pursue her. But there are always exceptions to what one would expect and I don't believe any of us can make an absolute judgment as to what is going to be the outcome of your situation.

[Adotta]

What purpose does it serve to repeatedly tell someone that their sin is so great and they are beyond redemption.

 

This is her life and if she has 1 shot at redemption and it is in her heart, then she should take it.

 

No one knows what the future holds. Instead of telling some one they cant do something, perhaps we should wish this woman well and maybe 33 years down the line she can post about how she almost lost everything.

 

She heard everything that was said. She is going, as she should. If she falls, then she falls.

 

If she fails she doesn't just fail..... she drags poor hubby through hell to get there. This guy seems to be totally set on divorce. Most people are just worried she is doing this because its what SHE wants. She has already told us he is very much a lady killer. For his sake it would be easier to just let him go. He seems to be well paid to boot. He could have a new wife without all the baggage in less then 6 months.

 

I know people on here are going to argue against this..... but unless you have kids reconciliation is really just a hope..... a stupid hope.

 

Any man who has to stay with a wife who cheated will have it in the back of his head FOREVER. Why put him through that? Part of me hopes she can get him back. But I bigger part of me hopes he sets her down and says " we will never be together again. I love you but that alone is not enough. " I'm sorry but the well being of her husband ranks high then hers in my view. She hasn't even really explained WHY she did what she did yet from what I can tell.

Edited March 2, 2018 by Adotta