Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Mrs. John Adams]

But, for some of us, we are able to forgive, and put the betrayal in the past, not harboring, pain, resentment and anger. I have personally been able to forgive much in a R and move on with peace.

 

No where in this statement did you say anything different than what i said

I don't care how much water has flowed under a bridge...or how much time has passed....Emotions about betrayal...never ...i repeat NEVER subside. As healing happens...the emotions can lessen...but the pain is always there. You can compare it to the death of a relative or a spouse. You learn to live with the pain of the loss...but you don't get over it and you don't forget

 

If you have been able to live your life post affair without ever experiencing the pain of the betrayal....if you never trigger, or think about the infidelity...if you never resent that it happened...then i need to find out how you have achieved this complete state of peace....and I would ask why are you here?

[Deepremorse5]

Thanks everyone for your views. My intention is to spend some time with him. I hope he will open up about his feelings. Don't know how things will unfold. As I write this, I am waiting to board my flight.

[aliveagain]

Thanks everyone for your views. My intention is to spend some time with him. I hope he will open up about his feelings. Don't know how things will unfold. As I write this, I am waiting to board my flight.

 

 

F**k what anyone else thinks, go be you, the real you and enjoy this experience regardless how it turns out.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mrs. Adams, good to see you back and posting again. Your views are insightful as always however, on a forum as disparate as this one, views of one poster is likely to vary from those of another. I know I have'nt experienced infidelity personally but I have observed the terrible effects it has had at close quarters( within the family)and can appreciate the awful pain that it engenders. As Living Waters said each person who is a victim of infidelity handles it according to their own personal perception and mental make up. No two people will respond to something like this in an identical manner. Some people become homicidal whereas others while shattered try and nice their WS back and are ready to forgive their transgressions without them displaying any remorse. We do not really know what is going on in the minds of either Deepremorse or her husband. We do not really know who they are as persons except as we have got to know about them through the words of Deepremorse herself.

 

From all accounts she appears to be deeply repentant of her transgressions and seems desperate for a chance to make it up to her husband. From all accounts she has not been chasing him and has generally left him to his own devices. Her husband is an adult who knows his mind and is fully capable of making his own decisions. If he did not want her around he could have easily told her to stay put at home and not bother him. However, he seemed agreeable to her visit and inspire of being busy,, made time to accommodate her period of visit even going so far as to make hotel bookings for her. In my post to DR, I had advised her to visit her husband with an open mind and with no expectations. The reason I did so was because I am under no illusion that her visit will melt his heart and he will forgive her and take her back. If anything I think he has signalled his intention quite clearly that he intends to divorce her by May or June. DR has indicated that she was the one who pursued him before he capitulated and decided to marry her. She is hoping that the same method may work this time around too. Whether it will or will not is a big question mark and only time will tell. However, she is now in the position of having nothing to lose if she fails and everything to gain if she succeeds so encouraging her to make an attempt to woo him may not be misplaced. In any case, as I said in my earlier post both of them need some sort of closure to this sad episode. Maybe this visit of hers will provide that opportunity. One other point. She is a young person on the threshold of her life. Would you want to discourage her and forever condemn her to failure or would you encourage her to take a leap of faith? I'll leave that to you to decide. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My only point in posting on this thread at all was this one....

 

is she putting him first? Is she visiting him because she believes that this is what is best for him? and if she does.. why?

 

I want her to be honest....she will never be remorseful if she is not honest with herself.

[mikeylo]

To me it seems like the affair and attempt at reconciliation , both are for OP. Neither of them have anything to do with the betrayed husband. He does know what he wants and is doing just that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

To me it seems like the affair and attempt at reconciliation , both are for OP. Neither of them have anything to do with the betrayed husband. He does know what he wants and is doing just that.

 

We have a young woman...married two years...who had a 3 month affair...which was discovered by her husband...who immediately left and filed for divorce.

 

She is sorry...and she wants him back. This entire thread has been dedicated to her pursuit of getting him back. Not because it is what he wants or needs...but because it is what she wants.

 

As long as she continues to put her needs and wants first...she does not understand remorse. It is truly that simple. When she begins to think about what is truly best for him...she will begin to understand remorse.

 

I don't care about the trip...it makes me no difference one way or the other. I want her to see the WHY. In order to do that...she has to be self reflective and she has to be honest.

 

Even if she goes to visit him...which she is obviously doing....and they "get back together"...she still does not understand remorse...and until she does...i believe the odds are against a permanent reconciliation .

 

I hope I am wrong...I wish her nothing but the best.

[LivingWaterPlease]

How did you take this quote I don't care how much water has flowed under a bridge...or how much time has passed....Emotions about betrayal...never ...i repeat NEVER subside. As healing happens...the emotions can lessen...but the pain is always there. You can compare it to the death of a relative or a spouse. You learn to live with the pain of the loss...but you don't get over it and you don't forget. and interpret it to mean that i said what you said i said?

 

If you'll reread my post (#519), I copied and pasted your post verbatim. I looked back on the post I wrote to address yours and don't see how you got I was interpreting what you said, but was rather responding to it with my own views and beliefs.

 

I'm going to address your questions to me in separate posts as with the bolded, etc. in our various posts when I addressed them all together somehow it put my answer to you as part of your own post. Am sure I did something technically wrong, but didn't know how to fix it!

Edited March 4, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

"But, for some of us, we are able to forgive, and put the betrayal in the past, not harboring, pain, resentment and anger. I have personally been able to forgive much in a R and move on with peace." (Originally part of my post that you quoted.)

 

Mrs. John AdamsNo where in this statement did you say anything different than what i said[/b]I don't care how much water has flowed under a bridge...or how much time has passed....Emotions about betrayal...never ...i repeat NEVER subside. As healing happens...the emotions can lessen...but the pain is always there. You can compare it to the death of a relative or a spouse. You learn to live with the pain of the loss...but you don't get over it and you don't forget

 

If you have been able to live your life post affair without ever experiencing the pain of the betrayal....if you never trigger, or think about the infidelity...if you never resent that it happened...then i need to find out how you have achieved this complete state of peace....and I would ask why are you here?

 

To the bolded, it seems you're posting in post #526 that we both said the same thing!

 

As to if I never trigger or think about the infidelity, well, I'm not in the R anymore due to other factors, but when I was in it, the fact of the infidelity did come back to my remembrance from time to time, but I always was enjoying my partner so much and feeling thankful I was with him that, that was the emotion that prevailed rather than negative emotions.

 

I also read scripture, pray and surrender all things to God each day during which time He gives me peace as a gift. I believe God gave me freedom when I forgave.

 

Your next question, "Why are you here?" Lol, good question! I enjoy the interaction of the community of LS is why I'm here!

Edited March 4, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[Mrs. John Adams]

To the bolded, it seems you're posting that we both said the same thing!

 

As to if I never trigger or think about the infidelity, well, I'm not in the R anymore due to other factors, but when I was in it, the fact of the infidelity did come back to my remembrance from time to time, but I always was enjoying my partner so much and feeling thankful I was with him that, that was the emotion that prevailed rather than negative emotions.

 

I also read scripture, pray and surrender all things to God each day during which time He gives me peace as a gift. I believe God gave me freedom when I forgave.

 

Your next question, "Why are you here?" Lol, good question! I found LS several years ago while researching something which I don't remember what it was, found the community, and have stayed! I enjoy the interaction.

 

If you are no longer in reconciliation....then it is difficult for you to understand what I am talking about. I have been living in reconciliation for 34 years. When I say that even though life moves forward...and things get better...i can certainly tell you that the infidelity never goes away. If you are out of the relationship...I can see why it might no longer be present in your life.

 

The trouble with forums is that we all...translate each others posts and apply them to our own situations. You mistook my post to mean that i am miserable...and that is not what i meant at all. I was trying to explain that infidelity...stays in the relationship like the death of a loved one. You move forward...you live life....but the loss still remains.

 

Mr JA and I are happier than we have ever been....but we both know that the infidelity will always be a part of us. We don't dwell on it...we don't always talk about it...but it is there.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If you are no longer in reconciliation....then it is difficult for you to understand what I am talking about. I have been living in reconciliation for 34 years. When I say that even though life moves forward...and things get better...i can certainly tell you that the infidelity never goes away. If you are out of the relationship...I can see why it might no longer be present in your life.

 

The trouble with forums is that we all...translate each others posts and apply them to our own situations. You mistook my post to mean that i am miserable...and that is not what i meant at all. I was trying to explain that infidelity...stays in the relationship like the death of a loved one. You move forward...you live life....but the loss still remains.

 

Mr JA and I are happier than we have ever been....but we both know that the infidelity will always be a part of us. We don't dwell on it...we don't always talk about it...but it is there.

 

Yes, I agree that none of us are experiencing the exact same situation. Which makes my point that DR's situation is different than yours and mine so our experiences are both most likely helpful to her, but not prescient of what hers will become.

 

I looked back on my post and nowhere did I see that I wrote I thought you meant you're miserable. The words written in previous posts to describe your emotions are your own. I wrote about my own emotions.

 

It is wonderful that your write you and Mr. JA are happier than you've ever been! Your success story seems to me to be a great addition to the LS community!

[road]

We have a young woman...married two years...who had a 3 month affair...which was discovered by her husband...who immediately left and filed for divorce.

 

She is sorry...and she wants him back. This entire thread has been dedicated to her pursuit of getting him back. Not because it is what he wants or needs...but because it is what she wants.

 

As long as she continues to put her needs and wants first...she does not understand remorse. It is truly that simple. When she begins to think about what is truly best for him...she will begin to understand remorse.

 

I don't care about the trip...it makes me no difference one way or the other. I want her to see the WHY. In order to do that...she has to be self reflective and she has to be honest.

 

Even if she goes to visit him...which she is obviously doing....and they "get back together"...she still does not understand remorse...and until she does...i believe the odds are against a permanent reconciliation .

 

I hope I am wrong...I wish her nothing but the best.

 

The only reason a WS needs to justify recovery is that they want it.

So if the WS is doing the work, remorseful, they should pursue

recovery.

 

To be fair the BS does not have attempt recovery. But that is a

separate issue as to what the WS does.

[Cullenbohannon]

From her very first post, this WS was told to leave him be. She listened, only to resurface over and over again and be told to stay down. She refused and year later, she dared to ask to see him again.

 

This may be a beginning or it may be the ending, but tonight she is with her husband.

 

We hope she stays there, never to return to LS.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cullen, does'nt that tell you something about her determination and 'Never say die' spirit? The fact is that it seems to me that she has hit rock bottom and for her there is no where else to go but up. As I said in my previous posts, both she and her husband need closure and this may be the occasion that provides that opportunity. This visit will clear the air for her either way. The fact that she has been so resolute in pursuing the faintest of hope in this sad story is that she probably sees a glimmer of that hope, being in the situation , that the rest of us on this forum are blind to. All one can do is hope she is right and wish her well. Warm regards.

[DKT3]

We have a young woman...married two years...who had a 3 month affair...which was discovered by her husband...who immediately left and filed for divorce.

 

She is sorry...and she wants him back. This entire thread has been dedicated to her pursuit of getting him back. Not because it is what he wants or needs...but because it is what she wants.

 

As long as she continues to put her needs and wants first...she does not understand remorse. It is truly that simple. When she begins to think about what is truly best for him...she will begin to understand remorse.

 

I don't care about the trip...it makes me no difference one way or the other. I want her to see the WHY. In order to do that...she has to be self reflective and she has to be honest.

 

Even if she goes to visit him...which she is obviously doing....and they "get back together"...she still does not understand remorse...and until she does...i believe the odds are against a permanent reconciliation .

 

I hope I am wrong...I wish her nothing but the best.

I agree with you in part, im not sure DR is ready for reconciliation, I don't think she has actually done much in terms of self-examination and WHY she thought what she was doing during the affair was OK. The "I don't knows" and "I don't know what I was thinking" won't get her far, she will need something more tangable than that.

 

With that being said, had lovin respected my wishes we would not be where we are now. She had a strong belief that she was what was best for me.

 

I think DR has that same belief, of course she could be wrong but he is opening the door....to what? Hmm guess she will find out and go from there.

Edited March 5, 2018 by DKT3

[understand50]

All,

 

Point is Deepremorse, has several things going on,

 

One, he could be looking for closer and will tell her face to face it is over, and do not darken my door again. I warned her that she may not like the out come.

 

Two, he could offer the GIFT of a second chance, she will have to earn it. She has a long way to go, and it takes a lifetime. This is something that will be with both of them forever. Yes you can be happy together, but both will know at one time she cheated. It will color the marriage.

 

All we have is our opinions, and no one really knows what is going on. All we can advise is from our own life experiences. We need to respect each other. Mrs JA is right, DP has much work to do and it will take sometime. AS for her going and seeing him, well that is between the two of them. It may not be the bed of roses we think. In any case, DR life is going to filled with the hard work to ether get over him, or make it up to him. In ether case, she has a long hard road to travel.

 

I wish her luck......

[Mind-Chants]

I think DR has that same belief, of course she could be wrong but he is opening the door....to what? Hmm guess she will find out and go from there.

 

For some reason, he has not door-slammed DR yet. I felt he left the door open just enough to see what DR is doing. Else she didn't seem to have a chance the way she described the situation initially.

[Deepremorse5]

I agree with you in part, im not sure DR is ready for reconciliation, I don't think she has actually done much in terms of self-examination and WHY she thought what she was doing during the affair was OK. The "I don't knows" and "I don't know what I was thinking" won't get her far, she will need something more tangable than that.

 

With that being said, had lovin respected my wishes we would not be where we are now. She had a strong belief that she was what was best for me.

 

I think DR has that same belief, of course she could be wrong but he is opening the door....to what? Hmm guess she will find out and go from there.

 

I don't think I am the best for him. But I definitely think we make a good couple.

[S2B]

What has transpired since you've seen him?

[Deepremorse5]

What has transpired since you've seen him?

 

I returned yesterday.

 

As suggested throughout this thread, I did really set my expectations to not get burned again. I know we are getting divorced. I have never fought with him over this in last year and I didn't do it during my visit. That's his way out, I can't block that.

 

Mrs. JA asked a question, why you want to visit?My husband asked the similar question but in a different way. Why take the offer after more than 7-8 months?? Why did you wait ?? I tried to be honest with my feelings to answer that. Taking the opportunity I did ask him why he said yes to my request. His reply was:" I know you love me and I want you to be happy". I was definitely very very happy when he said yes to my visit. Our divorce is set for June. Still not sure why he moved to june from Dec. I didn't ask him - why?? But I did ask him if he saw us as a couple in future. He replied he hasn't thought about it. He also added he is not going to be in a relationship anytime soon. He is enjoying his single life. So I don't have to worry about anyone. :-)

 

Outside these conversation, we were like a couple. Met his friends including the long legged russian girl. They know about us getting a divorce but they don't know the reason I think. Forgot to add. Since he is not active in any social media platform, I didn't know how he looked now. Let's just say "smokin". He came to the airport to pick me up and I stayed at his place. It was definitely a difficult week for him. He could only manage in the morning and evening hours for us to move around and see places.

[Cephalopod]

Maybe there is a possibility of the two of you becoming a couple again after the divorce. But don't get your hopes up that he will marry you again.

[Deepremorse5]

I returned yesterday.

 

Outside these conversation, we were like a couple. Met his friends including the long legged russian girl. They know about us getting a divorce but they don't know the reason I think. Forgot to add. Since he is not active in any social media platform, I didn't know how he looked now. Let's just say "smokin". He came to the airport to pick me up and I stayed at his place. It was definitely a difficult week for him. He could only manage in the morning and evening hours for us to move around and see places.

 

She is a doll. Pretty inside and super gorgeous outside. If my husband says he is in an relationship with her, I would definitely be happy for him. She is 100% his type. It turns out she is his co-worker. Didn't get any signs that she wants more than friendship with my husband. But I don't know.

 

On a side note, we are now friends on social media. And she dropped me a message in fb asking if I reached safely or not.

[Deepremorse5]

Maybe there is a possibility of the two of you becoming a couple again after the divorce. But don't get your hopes up that he will marry you again.

 

I have low hopes for us becoming a couple again. Marriage is something I haven't thought about at all. But I have come to accept these facts. He is moving to NYC. A city full of pretty and gorgeous women. My chances are next to nothing. Plus things are not moving for the request I had dropped for the transfer to NYC office.

[aliveagain]

I am very glad you took the opportunity to have the experience. I am sure he thought you too were smoking. The heart wants what the heart wants so who knows what the future has in store for you. Your actions now and in the future will say a lot about who you now are.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for the update, DR. It sounds to me as if your expectations are realistic. I was touched that you wrote you'd be happy for him if he got with the Russian girl. That you feel that way makes you more attractive than you already are and is a very loving thought. I don't know that you've mentioned your own appearance so am believing you're pretty secure in who you are and not self absorbed, also attractive traits to have.

 

We will see what the future holds. Please continue to update if you're so inclined.