Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[ahmed8xm]

 

He's long gone; probably never looking back. From what you've posted about him ghosting you, you may never see him again.

 

He is moving on.

 

And he knows his marriage was over when she had an affair

 

For a BS the affair detail's are complete b*llsh#t

 

It will only cause him further pain.

 

And he wants to save himself from that pain

 

Its easier to get over a divorce but infidelity No.

 

For some people it takes years to trust someone

[SydCar]

Appreciate all replies.

 

I understand that you appreciate all replies but I would like more of a response to what I said in my post - either disputing it or correcting it or agreeing with it - whatever. Truly, this is to help you - I am not having a go for the sake of it.

 

What part of India are you and your husband from ? Lets just say that while I am not Indian, I have an above average understanding of the cultures and the people.

 

And for those who may wonder, many many Indians (depending on where they are from and their background) have a better grasp of English than many of the native English speakers (but they have an accent). I don't believe that Deepremorse has any problems with understanding English here.

 

So what's it to be ? Spoiled princess ? Confused lover ? Mistaken wife ?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, a lot of folks on here have given you excellent advice on various aspects of your situation. I do not know what it is that you are really looking for at this point but to me it seems that the biggest thing affecting you is that you are feeling sorry for yourself while the other factors play a much smaller part in the overall scheme of things as far as your situation is concerned. The fact is that you seem to be trying to "Lock the stable door after the horse has bolted" literally. Your husband has long gone and, as his lawyer has indicated, he will/ may speak to you only after the divorce. You can keep yearning for him to return or show some sign that he is still engaged with you but that is a pipe dream on your part. The longer you torture yourself with such thoughts and expectations, the longer are you going to prolong your agony.

 

As others have advised, start doing something positive to work on yourself and improve yourself for a future husband. Get rid of all your negative impulses and characteristics and start being a responsible adult. Your current behaviour and reaction is like that of a small child who is denied his/her favourite toy. It is tantamount to displaying tantrums and not the reaction of a mature and responsible adult. In fact, if you are look ing for a reason as to why you got yourself into such a mess then all you have to do is look at yourself through the eyes of an objective observer. You need to be getting counselling from a trained psychologist to help you identify those character traits which led you down this path. Having done that you then have to seek his/ her help in working on yourself to eliminate or minimize these traits so that in future you do not become a victim of these again. Mrs. Adams has suggested that you contact a spiritual Guru to help you overcome your weaknesses. That may be a good idea if you can find some one genuine. Sadly, modern young people seem to have little time for such traditional things and are more interested in the latest movies, fashions, Pubs and Restaurants and in having a good time generally. Introspect for a while and then do yourself this favour. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Listen DeepRemorse - you need to face up to some harsh truths.

 

First of all you cheated purely because you wanted to. It fed your ego and you liked it. No one forced you.

 

And while you claim to take responsibility for your lying and cheating, every now and then you slip in some comments here blaming your husband. You were annoyed with him for something. You were jealous that he had more partners than you before. etc etc This does not suggest that you are remorseful.

 

You are certainly looking for us to comfort you and kind of side with you and say how unfortunate you are - majority here will tell you the opposite and also how unfortunate your husband is.

 

You sound like a spoiled brat. You were with your boyfriend for four years. It is kind of clear that you were attracted to him and only broke up because he was not ready for marriage. Then you met your husband and he was ready for marriage. You took that offer and then when the opportunity came to have your cake and eat it, you took it! You now had your boyfriend and your husband! You let your bf sleep with you and you loved the control you had over both men.

 

Now you have been found out and it sounds like you have neither (as you should have expected) and you want the world to sympathise with you.

 

My suggestion to you is to work on yourself and make yourself a better person. Take a good look at your selfish and even narcissistic actions and work on those. Maybe … just maybe you will find someone good again and make sure you don't screw it up in future.

 

Not sure where I blamed my husband. Just said I was jealous and bit insecure.

 

Not here for sympathy. Like I mentioned before I am here to learn fromothers and rectify myself. Be a better person who will be worthy of a relationship with my husband later.

[Deepremorse5]

2 years back, me and my husband had started sponsoring for the education of few orphaned kids. After their results are declared we throw a party for them just to celebrate their success. I had completely forgotten about them in last 2 months due to emotional turmoil. This year academic results are out. Today I received an invitation for the party from his lawyer. Not sure why but I almost got an anxiety attack after reading the mail.

[Deepremorse5]

what else has his lawyer asked? that might give you a clue.

 

I never spoke to my ex bf about my husband knowing about the affair. Nobody other than my family knew about it. But he left job and city. So something might have happened. Also my husband is not a person to sit idle after knowing things. He works as business strategist. Planning is his forte. I guess he might have planned things before he disclosed the affair.

 

His lawyer mentioned that my future relationship choices with my ex bf will determine action he is goingto take against him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I never spoke to my ex bf about my husband knowing about the affair. Nobody other than my family knew about it. But he left job and city. So something might have happened. Also my husband is not a person to sit idle after knowing things. He works as business strategist. Planning is his forte. I guess he might have planned things before he disclosed the affair.

 

His lawyer mentioned that my future relationship choices with my ex bf will determine action he is goingto take against him.

 

in other words....your husband....most likely has known about your affair long enough for him to plan and decide how to proceed and he is doing so without disclosing to you his source of information or asking for your input.

 

What does this say to you? Does this not clearly say...nothing will deter him from going through with this divorce and you should cut your losses and move forward to becoming a better person?

 

It also sounds to me like...if you continue in your relationship with your affair partner...your husband will proceed to sue him.

 

I dont know how it works in India but there are many states here in America that allow Betrayed spouses to sue the Affair partner for alienation of affection.

 

I think you better avoid your affair partner...it sounds to me like your husband is ready and willing to ruin him.

[stillafool]

Not here for sympathy. Like I mentioned before I am here to learn fromothers and rectify myself. Be a better person who will be worthy of a relationship with my husband later.

 

I think that you have certainly learned your lesson and will not make that choice again if and when you remarry. As far as this husband is concerned I highly doubt you will ever have another chance with him. It was a tough lesson to learn.

[Deepremorse5]

Do you think maybe you never felt worthy of your husband's love? That you never had any control over whether or not he would keep you as his mate for life?

 

Maybe by playing with the lesser man, it gave you a sense of control you did not feel you had with your husband?

 

I was bit insecure especially knowing how women tried to seduce him. Even one went as far as texting him in fb to divorce me and marry her. I never had any concerns other than a childhood friend of his. Their interaction was always weird and everybody knew she had a mega crush on him. But I was always proud I guess.

[stillafool]

Truth be told I was always jealous of my husband's past relationships. He had many partners. Many girls had tried to use sex to get him into a relationship with them. His facebook message box is full of messages from women asking him out.

 

My husband is far better lover than my ex. And I didn't enjoy that with my ex/AP .

 

^^^Don't expect him to come back. Just get counseling and try to move forward with your life and not make the same choices again.

[Deepremorse5]

in other words....your husband....most likely has known about your affair long enough for him to plan and decide how to proceed and he is doing so without disclosing to you his source of information or asking for your input.

 

What does this say to you? Does this not clearly say...nothing will deter him from going through with this divorce and you should cut your losses and move forward to becoming a better person?

 

It also sounds to me like...if you continue in your relationship with your affair partner...your husband will proceed to sue him.

 

I dont know how it works in India but there are many states here in America that allow Betrayed spouses to sue the Affair partner for alienation of affection.

 

I think you better avoid your affair partner...it sounds to me like your husband is ready and willing to ruin him.

 

In india my ex bf is legally liable for punishment. But my husband has decided not to go for legal channel. His lawyer has clarified that they are not going to go for any legal action. I know the reason is me.

 

Not sure how he is going after my ex. But my bff who also worked with us mentioned that my exbf has removed all his social media accounts.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

In india my ex bf is legally liable for punishment. But my husband has decided not to go for legal channel. His lawyer has clarified that they are not going to go for any legal action. I know the reason is me.

 

Not sure how he is going after my ex. But my bff who also worked with us mentioned that my exbf has removed all his social media accounts.

 

Man, I would love to have a beer with your husband. I can only imagine what he told your AP to make him disappear within 24 hours. It 's like your husband is Jason Bourne.

[VeveCakes]

Your one comment made it seem like you are actually upset because your ex bf didn't actually want to be with you. That comment doesn't add up to someone who is remorseful.

[Deepremorse5]

Your one comment made it seem like you are actually upset because your ex bf didn't actually want to be with you. That comment doesn't add up to someone who is remorseful.

 

Sorry. Which comment ? I am really glad that I don't have any contact or association with my ex bf. Not sure which comment you are mentioning.

[VeveCakes]

. I regret letting myself get used by a person who always claimed that he cares about me. I cheated on my husband with a man who is not even a quarter of a man my husband is. I have so many questions but with little to no answer.

 

This comment.

[aliveagain]

I was really conflicted during my affair. Tried to break the affair. Even requested hr dept for a transfer. The only thing that I could have done is that I should have resigned. Back of my mind I had it but not sure why I didn't do it.

Also the point where I let my defences go is when he mentioned he wants to get married and that he will go for an arranged marriage. I thought I could really get back as friends since he has moved on as during our break up he didn't want me to go and had asked me to wait for him.

I was so stupid.

 

You threw away your marriage for this? Reading your post bothers me because my daughter is your age, actually she is 28. She was married in the fall of last year to the most amazing guy, someone I am honoured to call my son.

 

The other reason your post bothers me is the fact all of this is happening to a woman that has only been married 2 years. You must have been in your affair for a while, that means you didn't even wait for the honeymoon period to be over before you and your ex boyfriend started an affair. Can you tell us how soon after you married your husband you and the O/M started talking?

 

I will again recommend getting independent counselling, yes I know counsellors are hard to find in India, you have told us that excuse already. Go online, there must be good counsellors with infidelity experience willing to help you via Skype or by other remote means. The other thing I would like to say to you is, remorseful people don't make excuses why they can't show remorse, you are remorseful or you are not. Figure out which one you are then move mountains.

[Deepremorse5]

Man, I would love to have a beer with your husband. I can only imagine what he told your AP to make him disappear within 24 hours. It 's like your husband is Jason Bourne.

 

Nyc thought but only issue- he is a teetotaler.

Best guess is he is going after his arranged marriage.

[Deepremorse5]

You threw away your marriage for this? Reading your post bothers me because my daughter is your age, actually she is 28. She was married in the fall of last year to the most amazing guy, someone I am honoured to call my son.

 

The other reason your post bothers me is the fact all of this is happening to a woman that has only been married 2 years. You must have been in your affair for a while, that means you didn't even wait for the honeymoon period to be over before you and your ex boyfriend started an affair. Can you tell us how soon after you married your husband you and the O/M started talking?

 

I will again recommend getting independent counselling, yes I know counsellors are hard to find in India, you have told us that excuse already. Go online, there must be good counsellors with infidelity experience willing to help you via Skype or by other remote means. The other thing I would like to say to you is, remorseful people don't make excuses why they can't show remorse, you are remorseful or you are not. Figure out which one you are then move mountains.

 

Jan to march this year was the affair period. PA happened only 3 times in Feb month.

[Deepremorse5]

This comment.

 

I meant you careabout the person you had relationship right. So I thought even though we had broken up he mustbe respecting and caring me as a person.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I meant you careabout the person you had relationship right. So I thought even though we had broken up he mustbe respecting and caring me as a person.

 

I am more confused with every post you make.

[VeveCakes]

I meant you careabout the person you had relationship right. So I thought even though we had broken up he mustbe respecting and caring me as a person.

 

If you truly regretted this I doubt you would care if your ex cares about you.

[elaine567]

I meant you careabout the person you had relationship right. So I thought even though we had broken up he mustbe respecting and caring me as a person.

 

Was your husband just the rebound?

The guy who you clung on to when your ex rejected you.

[Deepremorse5]

I am more confused with every post you make.

 

Mrs JA

 

Letme try to put my thought in another way.

 

What I meant was even you break up with someone you respect them as individual. Memory can'tbe erased. I thought he respected me as an individual as much as when we were in a relationship. Love and affection may go away but respect for person prevails.

[JohnAdams]

Mrs JA

 

Letme try to put my thought in another way.

 

What I meant was even you break up with someone you respect them as individual. Memory can'tbe erased. I thought he respected me as an individual as much as when we were in a relationship. Love and affection may go away but respect for person prevails.

 

 

 

Oh, I think that the respect goes away faster than the love and affection. You certainly did not respect your husband. How can you possibly expect him to respect you?

[Deepremorse5]

If you truly regretted this I doubt you would care if your ex cares about you.

 

I am not saying about present situation. It was during the time I moved back to the place where my ex worked.

Now I don't care what he thinks of me. I got the idea in expense of my marriage.