Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[aliveagain]

Try contacting one of your universities, they may be able to offer you help or recommend someone who is experienced with infidelity. As much as I hate to say this if worse comes to worse you can even go online and check out Doctor On Demand, yes, Dr. Phil McGraw. You can probably Google and find someone online with the required experience if not in India try England, Canada or the United States.

[Deepremorse5]

But some of the things they got to say were not pretty. You seem to think that if you get to speak with him that it will be unburdening and that he will forgive you. Forgiveness many times has to be earned.. and often times just saying I am sorry is not enough.

 

I hope you get to speak to him.. I hope you get forgiveness. But I think the forgiveness you need to be searching for is within yourself.

 

I will ask for it. Not sure he will ever truly forgive me or not. Not only for affair, I have to ask forgiveness for lot of things I did during the affair.

 

I am working on my issues. I feel I was selfish all along. Realizing it now.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[Deepremorse5]

Try contacting one of your universities, they may be able to offer you help or recommend someone who is experienced with infidelity. As much as I hate to say this if worse comes to worse you can even go online and check out Doctor On Demand, yes, Dr. Phil McGraw. You can probably Google and find someone online with the required experience if not in India try England, Canada or the United States.

 

Need to do some research.

 

Yesterday evening was tough. Emotions got best of me. Received wedding invitation from a friend who invited both of us to her wedding. Memories came back flooding and I broke down into tears.

[Deepremorse5]

Blaming him for your affair is not fair as far as what you said here he has nothing to do with your affair it's full and full your selfishness and you're the one to blame. So what you discussed with her to get her blame your husband like you have any major problem with him prior to the affair

 

Mostly about how my husband behaves around me in different circumstances. 3 session with her till now. She is rated one of the best.

 

I have started looking for a job after I left the previous job. For last two and half month, I am staying with my family. My in-laws are going to visit today. Big day for me. Hope I will get to know something about my husband.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mostly about how my husband behaves around me in different circumstances. 3 session with her till now. She is rated one of the best.

 

I have started looking for a job after I left the previous job. For last two and half month, I am staying with my family. My in-laws are going to visit today. Big day for me. Hope I will get to know something about my husband.

 

Dr... you have only been married 2 years and in that short two years... you cheated for several months and it has been another 2 months since your husband found out.

 

So in reality ...you are still a newlywed ...

 

Can I ask you... if it had been your husband who had cheated instead of you...how do you think you would have reacted?

 

I think because you have so little time invested in this marriage and there are no children... your husband would rather cut his losses and move on. You really don't even have a foundation to rebuild a relationship on.

 

I can't help but wonder why you are so concerned about him when obviously he did not care enough to not cheat. I would also like to ask... had your husband not found out... isn't it very likely you would still be in your affair?

 

I guess I am still trying to figure out why at this point you are so intent on trying to get him back. It's as though there is some underlying drive... is it because you want to control him... or because you have to win...or you want to save face somehow? How do your parents feel about you pursuing him after the divorce?

 

Are they supportive? Or are they pushing you?

[Deepremorse5]

Dr... you have only been married 2 years and in that short two years... you cheated for several months and it has been another 2 months since your husband found out.

 

So in reality ...you are still a newlywed ...

 

Can I ask you... if it had been your husband who had cheated instead of you...how do you think you would have reacted?

 

I think because you have so little time invested in this marriage and there are no children... your husband would rather cut his losses and move on. You really don't even have a foundation to rebuild a relationship on.

 

I can't help but wonder why you are so concerned about him when obviously he did not care enough to not cheat. I would also like to ask... had your husband not found out... isn't it very likely you would still be in your affair?

 

I guess I am still trying to figure out why at this point you are so intent on trying to get him back. It's as though there is some underlying drive... is it because you want to control him... or because you have to win...or you want to save face somehow? How do your parents feel about you pursuing him after the divorce?

 

Are they supportive? Or are they pushing you?

 

If he would have cheated, I would have been devastated. How I would have reacted, I don't know. Probably would have stopped talking with him first for sure.

 

I want him back because he completes me.

 

In our relationship, he is the dominant personality. I like him to take lead and make decisions.Even if I get him back, I won't win. I have lost so many things in last 5 months that I can never call myself a winner. I want him back as I want to become the wife he deserves.

 

My parents are disappointed. Of course they would be happy if we get back. But they have already accepted the fact that we are divorcing. So they are not saying much. They want me to be independent in my life decisions.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If he would have cheated, I would have been devastated. How I would have reacted, I don't know. Probably would have stopped talking with him first for sure.

 

I want him back because he completes me.

 

In our relationship, he is the dominant personality. I like him to take lead and make decisions.Even if I get him back, I won't win. I have lost so many things in last 5 months that I can never call myself a winner. I want him back as I want to become the wife he deserves.

 

My parents are disappointed. Of course they would be happy if we get back. But they have already accepted the fact that we are divorcing. So they are not saying much. They want me to be independent in my life decisions.

 

Life is not a movie....he doesn't complete you...your affair proves that if nothing else. His personality may be the opposite of yours and so you compliment each other well. You may admire the strengths he has. But people dont complete other people. YOu are you...he is he....and you may make a great couple together...but you haven't even given each other the chance to know that yet.

 

Two years married and part of that cheating tells me there was something missing....not completion

 

Had he not discovered your affair....would you have still been actively seeing the other man?

 

I have no doubt you can imrove yourself and learn from this and become a better person....but i think right now....you are not the wife he deserves....becasue right now...you are still displaying extremely selfish behavior.....becaseu everything you say...is still about you. When you begin to think about what is best for him....what you can do for him...how you can best help him....i might have a little hope that you are beginning to understand humility and remorse. But right now....I am still seeing a woman who is on a mission....and that mission is to do whats best for her and getting her way...not considering what is best for him.

 

 

You want to talk to him to tell him you are sorry...to try to convince him to allow you to come back and be the wife he deserves.....because he completes you

 

and no where in this do you say

 

I am sorry for the pain i have caused you. I accept responsiblity for causing that pain and I will do whatever you need to help you heal from the pain i have caused...and if that means you need to live life without me...then i understand...and will comply.

 

Do you see the difference?

[Deepremorse5]

Life is not a movie....he doesn't complete you...your affair proves that if nothing else. His personality may be the opposite of yours and so you compliment each other well. You may admire the strengths he has. But people dont complete other people. YOu are you...he is he....and you may make a great couple together...but you haven't even given each other the chance to know that yet.

 

Two years married and part of that cheating tells me there was something missing....not completion

 

Had he not discovered your affair....would you have still been actively seeing the other man?

 

I have no doubt you can imrove yourself and learn from this and become a better person....but i think right now....you are not the wife he deserves....becasue right now...you are still displaying extremely selfish behavior.....becaseu everything you say...is still about you. When you begin to think about what is best for him....what you can do for him...how you can best help him....i might have a little hope that you are beginning to understand humility and remorse. But right now....I am still seeing a woman who is on a mission....and that mission is to do whats best for her and getting her way...not considering what is best for him.

 

 

You want to talk to him to tell him you are sorry...to try to convince him to allow you to come back and be the wife he deserves.....because he completes you

 

and no where in this do you say

 

I am sorry for the pain i have caused you. I accept responsiblity for causing that pain and I will do whatever you need to help you heal from the pain i have caused...and if that means you need to live life without me...then i understand...and will comply.

 

Do you see the difference?

 

Mrs JA

 

Thanks for for this post. I may sound selfish because I am not mentioning about our relationship or marriage here. I am consciously avoiding them. I am here to learn from others about dealing with myself.

I know my husband, begging is not going to work on him. If he decides something he will do it no matter what. Now me begging saying something won't make a difference. I will ask him to make decisions but I also want to put there what I want us to be even if it carries no value now.

[Krtk]

Mrs JA

 

Thanks for for this post. I may sound selfish because I am not mentioning about our relationship or marriage here. I am consciously avoiding them. I am here to learn from others about dealing with myself.

I know my husband, begging is not going to work on him. If he decides something he will do it no matter what. Now me begging saying something won't make a difference. I will ask him to make decisions but I also want to put there what I want us to be even if it carries no value now.

 

First thing I hope you already understand that your marriage is almost over don't have any false hope. and I'd you get a chance to talk to him don't go by the past memories that'll hurt him more can trigger him ask forgiveness for it own up your mistakes and say you understand whatever he wishes to do best for him. and don't make him fell your manipulating. Don't ask him another chance ask for a fresh start tell him you'll understand if that too not possible. make your vulnerable to be more precise But ask him atleast to give a try to give you a opportunity to make things right. And how it goes with your in laws did they say anything regarding your husband. Your husband didn't filled yet that one possible in this mess

[Deepremorse5]

Yesterday I received the shock of my life. My husband came along with his parents. I was not expecting him at all. Will post later the details but just wanted to say thanks to everyone. He is moving on.

[Cephalopod]

Yesterday I received the shock of my life. My husband came along with his parents. I was not expecting him at all. Will post later the details but just wanted to say thanks to everyone. He is moving on.

 

If you really love him, you will let him go... if that is what he needs to do.

[aliveagain]

Hope you got the closure you needed so you can move on and start the serious work you need to do on yourself. You do not want to make the same kind of entitled choices in a future relationship. Learn to value the good people in your life more. The world is already full of other men and other women who will lure you with false promises to get their gratification without regard for the sorrow it brings into your life. Your word is your pledge, your covenant, your bond that obligates the quintessence that is Deepremorse5. Honor your word because it is your credit card in life. In a "Love" relationship there is no tolerance for treachery and immorality.

[Deepremorse5]

If you really love him, you will let him go... if that is what he needs to do.

 

I let him go. Only said if he feels that leaving me will heal him, I will respect his decisions. I didn't even ask for a second chance.

[Deepremorse5]

Hope you got the closure you needed so you can move on and start the serious work you need to do on yourself. You do not want to make the same kind of entitled choices in a future relationship. Learn to value the good people in your life more. The world is already full of other men and other women who will lure you with false promises to get their gratification without regard for the sorrow it brings into your life. Your word is your pledge, your covenant, your bond that obligates the quintessence that is Deepremorse5. Honor your word because it is your credit card in life. In a "Love" relationship there is no tolerance for treachery and immorality.

 

I need few days to recover. Then I will focus on my personal growth. Thanks for your words.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, so I guess the uncertainty is over painful as it must be. You now have a clean slate to write on and so, with the benefit of hindsight, you can begin to write a new chapter in your life, one free of any skewed thought s and deeds. Free yourself of past baggage and clear your mind of all the negatives that are part of your past. When I asked you if you were an only child it was to establish that there is a possibility that you were spoilt by your parents as a child leading to an inculcated sense of selfishness and getting your way in everything. You said you were an only child and so I think I may have been correct in my assessment. Well, you will have to unlearn this ingrained habit of selfishness if you want to live a happy and fulfilling life in the future. As a woman you will have to learn to be more giving and considerate of other peoples' feelings.

 

I would suggest you get a copy of the book " Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. This book will help you uncover your true personality and make a new person out of you, someone to whom people will gravitate towards, naturally and without conscious effort on your part. Of course you will have to put in an effort to practice the exercises given therein. You should be able to get it on Amazon or Flipkart. Warm wishes

Edited May 20, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Cephalopod]

I let him go. Only said if he feels that leaving me will heal him, I will respect his decisions. I didn't even ask for a second chance.

 

You just turned a huge corner in your life. As painful as that had to be, you just took the next big step in your evolution as a human being. You loved someone enough to let him go and find happiness elsewhere. That is huge, and as much as it hurts, you can find solace in that you did what was right for him, and not yourself.

 

Now you need to get into counseling and really work on the "whys" of what you did. You are not a bad person. You are a woman with low boundaries and perhaps low self esteem. Somehow you,lost the ability to value yourself. You need to work on finding out why.

 

A woman with integrity, self value and strong boundaries does not allow herself to be cajoled into affairs. Strive to be such a woman.

Edited May 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Deepremorse5]

I am not sure if I would be able to forgive myself for hurting my husband. Knowing that I am the one responsible for my husband's agonies is tough. He didn't deserve any of it.

Not even sure if I am capable of a relationship or not. Hurting people around me who genuinely care about me. I must be evil.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, so I guess the uncertainty is over painful as it must be. You now have a clean slate to write on and so, with the benefit of hindsight, you can begin to write a new chapter in your life, one free of any skewed thought s and deeds. Free yourself of past baggage and clear your mind of all the negatives that are part of your past. When I asked you if you were an only child it was to establish that there is a possibility that you were spoilt by your parents as a child leading to an inculcated sense of selfishness and getting your way in everything. You said you were an only child and so I think I may have been correct in my assessment. Well, you will have to unlearn this ingrained habit of selfishness if you want to live a happy and fulfilling life in the future. As a woman you will have to learn to be more giving and considerate of other peoples' feelings.

 

I would suggest you get a copy of the book " Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. This book will help you uncover your true personality and make a new person out of you, someone to whom people will gravitate towards, naturally and without conscious effort on your part. Of course you will have to put in an effort to practice the exercises given therein. You should be able to get it on Amazon or Flipkart. Warm wishes

 

Thanks for the suggestion. I will read it.

[usa1ah]

I am not sure if I would be able to forgive myself for hurting my husband. Knowing that I am the one responsible for my husband's agonies is tough. He didn't deserve any of it.

Not even sure if I am capable of a relationship or not. Hurting people around me who genuinely care about me. I must be evil.

 

 

Not true.

 

This is my take. Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

You dated the OM before and I believe wanted to marriage him. Then you found out that he was not interested in marriage. You must have loved him and he played off of that to get you to do what you did. Still your fault but the OM played you. This doesn't make you evil, you just did something you never should have.

[Krtk]

I am not sure if I would be able to forgive myself for hurting my husband. Knowing that I am the one responsible for my husband's agonies is tough. He didn't deserve any of it.

Not even sure if I am capable of a relationship or not. Hurting people around me who genuinely care about me. I must be evil.

 

OK now you realized what you did i believe and paid a big price for it but don't blame yourself fully. You're ex played you trick you with the past and you believed him. Your not a bad person but did a bad thing you shouldn't have been. So now you're at a new beginning stay positive be wiser try to find love and happiness with people around you. As you already said your husband didn't filed yet so what he wants a separation period or has he filed for it.

[Cephalopod]

I am not sure if I would be able to forgive myself for hurting my husband. Knowing that I am the one responsible for my husband's agonies is tough. He didn't deserve any of it.

Not even sure if I am capable of a relationship or not. Hurting people around me who genuinely care about me. I must be evil.

 

Not evil. Selfish? Yes. Spoiled and entitled? I think so.

 

You can overcome these personality flaws, but you are a long way off from being fit to marry any man in the future. You have got too much work to do on yourself.

[Deepremorse5]

Not true.

 

This is my take. Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

You dated the OM before and I believe wanted to marriage him. Then you found out that he was not interested in marriage. You must have loved him and he played off of that to get you to do what you did. Still your fault but the OM played you. This doesn't make you evil, you just did something you never should have.

 

It's easy for me to blame my ex-bf. He did whatever he wanted but I am solely responsible for my marriage. I let my guards down with him. I have resisted so many advances made by others. Could have easily resisted him too but I got emotional about our history and let my guard down.

 

Not sure what my husband meant but he basically said if I have no intention of going back to my ex-bf, then ex-bf is going to have a tough life ahead.

[Deepremorse5]

Not evil. Selfish? Yes. Spoiled and entitled? I think so.

 

You can overcome these personality flaws, but you are a long way off from being fit to marry any man in the future. You have got too much work to do on yourself.

 

I wish I could say things you have mentioned is not true. My parents echoed the same concern and kind of blaming themselves for raising me like that. I told them it's not their fault. I made the decisions consciously and I am responsible for it.

Not getting into relationship anytime soon. Am broken and flawed at this point.

[GoldenR]

Sometimes the hardest part is admitting to yourself that you're not what you want to be. You seem to be well past that. :-)

 

Did you post on another forum as well?

[Deepremorse5]

OK now you realized what you did i believe and paid a big price for it but don't blame yourself fully. You're ex played you trick you with the past and you believed him. Your not a bad person but did a bad thing you shouldn't have been. So now you're at a new beginning stay positive be wiser try to find love and happiness with people around you. As you already said your husband didn't filed yet so what he wants a separation period or has he filed for it.

 

That night when I came out of my room and saw my husband sitting with his parents, I was completely shocked. My MIL had convinced him to come. Not sure why I ran back into my room and broke down. Then my husband knocked and came inside my room. It took me some time to stop my excess emotions and be able to talk. Asked how I have been. But he didn't ask anything about the affair. It took me lot of courage to look into his eyes and ask for forgiveness. He said he has forgiven me that's why he visited me.

We spoke for at least 2 hours. I expected him to be harsh but he was sweet as always. Never raised his voice during the entire conversation. He is moving to Frankfrut, Germany. Got a new role there which he will be starting from July this year. It hit me hard. Broke my intent to fight for him after divorce. But I know for sure he had planned it knowing that I would fight back to win him again. Spoke a bit about the divorce process. He said he didn't want to force or blackmail me into divorce. He wants my full consent for it.

On a lighter note, he said me to stop logging into his facebook account. We both laughed a bit. (He never uses it and I have been stalking his fb. Pls don't judge me.) I hurt such a wonderful person. Since he was being nice, I said everything I wanted to say without the getting back together part.