I had an affair and I'm lost

[MrWhatamess]

Here's my story.........

 

I've been married 13 years. Two young pre-teen children. About 14-15 ago while I was engaged I met a girl at work that I felt an instant spark with. We became friendly and I asked her out, she said yes at first but found out I was engaged at the time and declined. We stayed friendly and kept in touch for a short time after.

 

After I was married we hung out once for a couple drinks and nothing happened at all. We then lost contact for a few years till we were both on Facebook. I looked her up and added her as a friend. She was married so we chatted for a bit, caught up and went on our way. Then at some point about 3 years ago we started messaging much more. This started in Aug of 2014. We talked till January till we decided to hang out again. I figured it was safe to hang out since I thought if she wouldn't do anything when I was engaged certainly nothing would happen while I was married. I WAS WRONG.

 

That first night things moved slow at first till at one point I kissed her. Things moved so quick and we ended up having sex. Of course rather than stop things there it felt so good. (At the time my wife and I were becoming quite distant due the kids and the lack of time and attention we have each other) I accept responsibility for this since I just let it happen and got more and more distant and didn't voice my concerns.

 

After that first night we figured we'd just keep things going. The OW is not married nor was she in a relationship. Thngs we're going great. I felt such a connection and felt I was in love with her. I started doing all the sappy things, writing poems, brining flowers and we were talking tons. Things were well till about the 8 month mark with the OW until she asked if I was going to ever be with her and I said NO, she had another guy that had shown interest in her. I said go ahead. (The only reason I said that was because I didn't know weather I was coming or going in my head and I didn't want to hold her back) Things happened with her and the new guy and I felt very jealous and hurt and pulled away. We stopped talking for several months then got back together.

 

We started things up again and I could not get over this other guy and became fixated on him. I really wanted at the time to be with the OW and thought she was my soulmate with the history and connection we had. I just couldn't get over the other guy.

 

As time was passing I started getting severe anxiety attacks and depression. I was stuck and the weight of the decision what to do was all I could think about. I overthought and went over everything in my head all the time. I couldn't do anything and watched time pass and became more and more depressed. Knowing I was falling apart I walked away from the OW again. I had so many fears of what I was becoming, what would happen to my wife and kids if I left, could things really work with the OW. I looked on any site I could find and I'm still torn weather I'm stuck in limerence or it's true love.

 

I started therapy right after and tried to refocus on my marriage and worked on all the issues of how we had no time for each other and things have improved. The only problem is my heart is still with the OW. We had no contact for almost 6 months and we just started talking again. (I know stupid of me) she seems like she's over me in a way but I think she really feels I won't leave my family. Sadly I'm still on the fence. Even right now I think of saying that I'll get divorced and do anything just to have a chance. In the time apart from the OW I long for her all the time. I keep thinking how can I be happy with my wife now that I feel there is this amazing relationship out there. I also think if I can't have my OW I should get a divorce anyhow since I obviously cheated and she deserves better. I keep trying to rebuild things with my wife but my head is so stuck on the OW. I feel like I'm running out of time and that I may always love the OW more.

 

I have not informed my wife of my affair mainly due to the fact if I can get over this I will never have an affair again. I don't want to hurt her or tell her just to relive my guilt. Honestly I don't want to close the door on the OW. I feel completely stuck and have often considered leaving my family, leaving the OW and at the same time I have considered suicide in several occasions. My heart is in one place and my head in another. It's been like the for over a year and a half. I don't know how to even start to get out of this funk.

 

If I could do it all over I would have never had this affair because what it has done and what it could do. This was supposed to be casual fun with an old friend,it was never supposed to get to this. I'm so mad at myself for doing this and and I beat myself up all the time. I feel like a horrible person and don't know how to escape those feelings.

 

I can't shut the affair partner out because I'm considering trying to see if we can go forward. I have fantasized and pictured a whole wonderful future with her and written my family out sadly enough. I know my relationship with the OW has been in a bubble and would be different with custody, day to day life, the feelings like I'm a failure for giving up my family. Logically it makes no sense to leave but my heart says otherwise. In my head I reallly feel it would work (but that may be the fog) I just don't know how long to fight through this. Do I wait another year or two and what happens if I stay and still feel I'm in love with the OW.

 

Sorry if this post is all over the place, it's my first one here and my head is also all over the place.

[MsJayne]

Happily married people do not have affairs, it's that simple. They may lie to themselves and make reasons to stay in the marriage, (usually finances, the children, a misguided sense of loyalty), but I say that cuckolding a spouse is worse than ending the marriage. Most importantly, you have to consider the well-being of your kids.

[darkbloom]

Happily engaged people do not ask other people out on dates. You weren't loyal or happy from the jump.

[Unforseen]

Your heart is a stupid organ that just moves blood around. Yeah I know the cliches and what not but if you follow your heart all you end up doing is going around in circles.

 

You are doing your BW an exceptional disservice by treating her in this fashion. Likewise you are probably stringing your OW along with your fantasy visions of your perfect version of a future with her.

 

There is nothing that your BW has done that could earn this level of unloving and selfish behavior that you are demonstrating to her. The sad part is she may have no clue what you are doing to her. She may be trying to rationalize all the red flags that are popping up in her mind and writing off your odd behavior to stress at work or some other bull. She cannot yet fathom the idea that the man she loves would ever hurt her so deeply.

 

You sir need to pull your head out of the clouds and lead your heart. Somewhere you know the reality of the situation and as a man you owe it to your BW to be straight with her and let her know what you've been up to. No it won't be easy but you never know, it might work out for the best and she may divorce you leaving you free to pursue the OW without your pesky family or BW getting in the way.

 

Yes this is harsh, but so is what you are doing to your BW, family, OW, and yourself.

[Phoenician]

seems to me a middle age crisis ...

 

i can feel that deep inside yourself you are not a cheater ; but stuck in this situation due to some weakness in your personality as well as your marriage .

 

I am not intending to throw stones on you ;i've been in your shoes before ...

and not proud of myself .

 

let me give you some advise from a person who passed through similar situation ...

 

 

-Don't confess right now to your wife if you want to keep a marriage ; unless your wife is an open minded person which I doubt : they don't exists; I am not saying you should keep it as a secret , I am saying you need to resolve some issues first .

 

-You have to evaluate your personnel happiness vs your family and kids ; because if you are father who is attached to his children like me you will not be able to leave ; now you are married to your family , not only a partner ; those who claim that if you are not satisfied with a partner just leave ; are not attached to their kids ; I am not saying they are bad , all I am saying that some parents prefer to die rather than leave kids; I am one of them .

 

 

-Nobody but you can really evaluate if the OW is a real match for you ; most of the time such an affair is dominated by Fog ; and believe me most of the time it is fake ; the grass appears greener on the other side of the river ;

 

 

Intimacy is a mirror of other problems ; it is not just the cause .

 

 

One important thing I learned is that the more the topics related to intimacy are raised to my wife ; the less intimacy quantity or quality I am having ; unless of course the partners are so frank to each other and both are giver type .

 

 

Now let's go to the real cause of the affair ; the real problem in your marriage .

 

What is it ?

[wmacbride]

How about instead of simply paying lip service and claiming to care about your wife and kids, you put your money where your mouth is and give you wife the right to make informed decisions about her life? Any of the other excuses for not telling her are just that, crappy excuses. You're not hiding it from her for her sake, you are hiding it for yourself.

 

When it comes to your ow, how can you ever trust her? She is showing you he true colors being sticking around this long. She may say she doesn't agree with affairs, but she ( and you) are showing by your actions that you are okay with them. What makes you think you have anything special enough to keep her faithful when things get rocky between you and her?

 

As it stand right now, he is perfectly happy. She's got you hanging on her string, spending money on dates and flowers spending mental energy on her and also time. You claim to want to put your fmaily first, but you are doing the exact opposite. The money you spend on your ow would be far better used by your kids to help them pay for university, clothe and other things. As it stands right now, you are using time, money and mental energy that would be far better dedicated you your children and family.

 

Right now, you are couching your words in "affair speak". You need some time and space to clear your mind. Talk to your wife about what has been going on and give her the same opportunity to make informed decisions about her life that you want for yourself. Talk through all of it. There is a very good chance your wife senses something, but like many bs, she doesn't want to accuse you of anything, feels guilty for even being suspicious ( even though she's right). How can you put her in that position?

[MrWhatamess]

Thank you all for your input. I'm trying so hard to get my head out of the clouds and not be this basket case so caught up in the affair fog. My head just spins trying to figure out what direction to go and it is such a helpless feeling. I know I have no one to blame but myself for any of this.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. You don't ask a woman on a date when you are engaged to another woman. You were never really committed to your wife and you don't really know what it is to be faithful.

 

You have nobody to blame for this but yourself. The way you have written your story, it sounds like you are a victim who just "fell into an affair" such that you don't have any responsibility for these decisions. That can't be farther from the truth.

 

If you really loved your wife, you wouldn't have pursued this other woman (because you did pursue her, time and again).

 

You are the very definition of wanting to have your cake and eat it too...

Edited May 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[Overtaxed]

Happily married people do not have affairs, it's that simple. They may lie to themselves and make reasons to stay in the marriage, (usually finances, the children, a misguided sense of loyalty), but I say that cuckolding a spouse is worse than ending the marriage. Most importantly, you have to consider the well-being of your kids.

 

I'm not sure I agree with this 100%. Happily married women, this statement might be mostly true. But I know a lot of happily married men; I know their wives, I see them together and I know them well enough to understand the dynamic; they are pretty happy. The men have A's though, both "because they can" and also to get/experience specific sexual acts (or just sexual acts with a different partner). Men typically are cheating for sex, and, for some, even if they are regularly having sex at home, they still want more (or different).

 

This is also why the stats are so bad on female affairs, usually it's an "exit affair" where the W wants out, but doesn't want to do it herself. For men, when they say "She didn't mean anything" they really are telling the truth. The same is not true for women. Even my W, as we talked about it, she really did care for her AP; or at least the man he let her see. Thing is, at least for me (and I suspect many men) the emotional connection my W had with her AP is really not much of a concern, I know it was "fake", he was pretending to be something he was not (which should be obvious, he's not a good guy, he was cheating on his wife for goodness sakes; shouldn't that make it blatantly obvious?!). But the physical stuff that happened, that's real, it really did happen, and I think that's why men have a harder time getting over it. Women worry more about the emotional connection their WH's have with the AP, men the opposite.

 

They may lie to themselves and make reasons to stay in the marriage, (usually finances, the children, a misguided sense of loyalty), but I say that cuckolding a spouse is worse than ending the marriage.

 

Absolutely. Either ask for an open marriage or leave. Your spouse is sitting home watching the love of their life turn into a totally different person, a monster who not only doesn't care about them, but is actively trying to hurt them! Nothing will hurt them more than the A, not separation, not divorce, nothing.

[Thisguy21]

Why do married people have their own Facebook pages separate from one another? How many of these stories start out with "looking up an old flame" or "I got a friend request from an old buddy and we started chatting"

 

If I were to do premarital counseling this would definitely be a coaching point for me. No more separate social media accounts.

[NTV]

Do you see your kids every day right now?

[Whoknew30]

I'm not sure I agree with this 100%. Happily married women, this statement might be mostly true. But I know a lot of happily married men; I know their wives, I see them together and I know them well enough to understand the dynamic; they are pretty happy. The men have A's though, both "because they can" and also to get/experience specific sexual acts (or just sexual acts with a different partner). Men typically are cheating for sex, and, for some, even if they are regularly having sex at home, they still want more (or different).

 

This is also why the stats are so bad on female affairs, usually it's an "exit affair" where the W wants out, but doesn't want to do it herself. For men, when they say "She didn't mean anything" they really are telling the truth. The same is not true for women. Even my W, as we talked about it, she really did care for her AP; or at least the man he let her see. Thing is, at least for me (and I suspect many men) the emotional connection my W had with her AP is really not much of a concern, I know it was "fake", he was pretending to be something he was not (which should be obvious, he's not a good guy, he was cheating on his wife for goodness sakes; shouldn't that make it blatantly obvious?!). But the physical stuff that happened, that's real, it really did happen, and I think that's why men have a harder time getting over it. Women worry more about the emotional connection their WH's have with the AP, men the opposite.

 

 

 

Absolutely. Either ask for an open marriage or leave. Your spouse is sitting home watching the love of their life turn into a totally different person, a monster who not only doesn't care about them, but is actively trying to hurt them! Nothing will hurt them more than the A, not separation, not divorce, nothing.

 

If one isn't happy within themselves, it's a extremely hard to be truly "happy" in their marriage. So it's just a show you're witnessing bc the couples at hand are living a lie...even if the BS doesn't know, their marriage is a farce.

 

A man that cheats for strictly for sex is not a happy person internally, which has an impact on a relationship....one can never tell what a couple is like behind closed doors.

 

Example, I grew up with a girl that told me her step-father molested her (while in high school) I told my mom that was friends with her mom. Her mom knew & stayed with the him, they look like the most absolutely perfect in love couple ever while in public...all she does is sleep when at home bc she's takes pills, he travels & cheats on her & absolutely no one in their family or their other friends know. They're rich & go on their day to day in the world as perfection...his coworkers worship him as the perfect happy man.

 

Point, one should ever assume they know what's going on behind close doors to ever really judge how happy or great any couple (or even person) is...I learned that the day this story all came out....not to mention I'm in a family that all the men are successful & cheat & no one sees what the women in my family go through...But in public everyone is the happiest closest ever.

[Overtaxed]

If one isn't happy within themselves, it's a extremely hard to be truly "happy" in their marriage. So it's just a show you're witnessing bc the couples at hand are living a lie...even if the BS doesn't know, their marriage is a farce.

 

A man that cheats for strictly for sex is not a happy person internally, which has an impact on a relationship....one can never tell what a couple is like behind closed doors.

 

Example, I grew up with a girl that told me her step-father molested her (while in high school) I told my mom that was friends with her mom. Her mom knew & stayed with the him, they look like the most absolutely perfect in love couple ever while in public...all she does is sleep when at home bc she's takes pills, he travels & cheats on her & absolutely no one in their family or their other friends know. They're rich & go on their day to day in the world as perfection...his coworkers worship him as the perfect happy man.

 

Point, one should ever assume they know what's going on behind close doors to ever really judge how happy or great any couple (or even person) is...I learned that the day this story all came out....not to mention I'm in a family that all the men are successful & cheat & no one sees what the women in my family go through...But in public everyone is the happiest closest ever.

 

Very true, but I know some of these couples relatively well, and either they are putting on a great show, or they really are happy. I suspect the wives know, to some degree, that there's something going on, but AFAIK, there haven't been any D-days. So maybe it's just because the wives haven't had to go through it that the happiness stays intact.

 

Also, I'd say, most of the men I know who do this love their wives. They talk about them all the time. Talk about the things they have planned. Show me pictures of their families. Then head off to try to pick up someone at the bar, or to call someone they'd seen in whatever city we're in before. It's sex they are after; and I think it's just something broken in them, not their relationship, they just want the sex. I know for some of the men it's that because they use "paid" services.

 

Are these men really unhappy internally, or do they just lack a basic respect for their wives and/or think what they don't know won't hurt them? IDK, probably never will, but, it's very common in my circles (which sounds a lot like your family, a bunch of wealthy/powerful men) and I can't imagine them all to be unhappy with their wives at home. They universally complain about their sex lives; but, beyond that, I don't hear a lot "not happy" at home stories.

[wmacbride]

seems to me a middle age crisis ...

 

i can feel that deep inside yourself you are not a cheater ; but stuck in this situation due to some weakness in your personality as well as your marriage .

 

I am not intending to throw stones on you ;i've been in your shoes before ...

and not proud of myself .

 

let me give you some advise from a person who passed through similar situation ...

 

 

-Don't confess right now to your wife if you want to keep a marriage ; unless your wife is an open minded person which I doubt : they don't exists; I am not saying you should keep it as a secret , I am saying you need to resolve some issues first .

 

-You have to evaluate your personnel happiness vs your family and kids ; because if you are father who is attached to his children like me you will not be able to leave ; now you are married to your family , not only a partner ; those who claim that if you are not satisfied with a partner just leave ; are not attached to their kids ; I am not saying they are bad , all I am saying that some parents prefer to die rather than leave kids; I am one of them .

 

 

-Nobody but you can really evaluate if the OW is a real match for you ; most of the time such an affair is dominated by Fog ; and believe me most of the time it is fake ; the grass appears greener on the other side of the river ;

 

 

Intimacy is a mirror of other problems ; it is not just the cause .

 

 

One important thing I learned is that the more the topics related to intimacy are raised to my wife ; the less intimacy quantity or quality I am having ; unless of course the partners are so frank to each other and both are giver type .

 

 

Now let's go to the real cause of the affair ; the real problem in your marriage .

 

What is it ?

 

This is cheater speak.

 

People DO NOT cheat because of their marriage. They cheat because there is something in them that allows them to do so.

 

I might get incredibly angry at someone. they might hurt me. That doesn't make it okay for me to hit them. No one is responsible for that but me.

 

Children blame their actions on other people. Adults take responsibility for them. If the op isn't happy, he has two choices. He can choose to speak to his wife and see if there is any way of resolving the issues that are bothering him. If not, then divorce.

 

He most certainly doesn't have the right to make decisions for his wife about who and what goes on in her life. As it stands right now, the op is bringing another woman into his wife's life, and as someone who has been coping with crap form an ow ten years later, his wife has every right in the world to know what the op may have gotten her ( and their children) in to. I really wish I had known right off so I could have been better prepared.

 

I know, I know, the op will say his ow is a wonderful person who woudl never do anything like that.

 

Bull.

 

It sounds like the op is a dad. If he wants to know what the best course of action is, he should imagine it's his daughter coming to him as an adult to tell him that her husband is cheating, because that is what he's doing to his wife. What would he tell his daughter? What advice would he give her wayward husband?

 

Whatever that may be , is what he should do.

Edited May 8, 2017 by wmacbride

[darkbloom]

I'm not sure I agree with this 100%. Happily married women, this statement might be mostly true. But I know a lot of happily married men; I know their wives, I see them together and I know them well enough to understand the dynamic; they are pretty happy. The men have A's though, both "because they can" and also to get/experience specific sexual acts (or just sexual acts with a different partner). Men typically are cheating for sex, and, for some, even if they are regularly having sex at home, they still want more (or different).

 

This is also why the stats are so bad on female affairs, usually it's an "exit affair" where the W wants out, but doesn't want to do it herself. For men, when they say "She didn't mean anything" they really are telling the truth. The same is not true for women. Even my W, as we talked about it, she really did care for her AP; or at least the man he let her see. Thing is, at least for me (and I suspect many men) the emotional connection my W had with her AP is really not much of a concern, I know it was "fake", he was pretending to be something he was not (which should be obvious, he's not a good guy, he was cheating on his wife for goodness sakes; shouldn't that make it blatantly obvious?!). But the physical stuff that happened, that's real, it really did happen, and I think that's why men have a harder time getting over it. Women worry more about the emotional connection their WH's have with the AP, men the opposite.

 

 

 

Absolutely. Either ask for an open marriage or leave. Your spouse is sitting home watching the love of their life turn into a totally different person, a monster who not only doesn't care about them, but is actively trying to hurt them! Nothing will hurt them more than the A, not separation, not divorce, nothing.

 

I disagree with this 100%. "Happily married" would mean that they are content in their commitment with their spouse. If you are looking for sex or a different emotional connection, you are NOT getting it from your spouse at home. And even if it is a "fake" connection, it's still real to all of the people involved. How many people have come through loveshack with tales of their AP being their soulmate? And same for OM/OW claiming that?

 

They do it because the can. Which means that they are thinking selfishly and not about their spouse. That is not happiness. The affair is always a symptom, not a cause.

[Mr. Lucky]

i can feel that deep inside yourself you are not a cheater but stuck in this situation due to some weakness in your personality as well as your marriage .

 

What?!? He's got a 15-year history that says otherwise, dating to back before there was a marriage with "weakness".

 

I'm trying so hard to get my head out of the clouds and not be this basket case so caught up in the affair fog. My head just spins trying to figure out what direction to go and it is such a helpless feeling. I know I have no one to blame but myself for any of this.

 

Whatamess, here's what I always wonder when reading stories like yours - is there any price too high for others to pay for your happiness? Any moment of introspective thought where you see the hurt and pain in your wife, kids and OW and think "I've gone too far"?

 

Your opening post boils down to two words - "poor me". Actually, "poor everyone else" with the misfortune to be involved with you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

It doesn't matter if you were happily married or not.

 

You cheated and you're not willing to let go of the OW. Not just physically but mentally and that's even worse.

 

You're right that you're in the fog and that life with the OW and custody and guilt and not seeing your kids is not going to be as great as it is now. And it probably won't work.

 

The truth is you have 15 years of fantasy and sexual tension built up with the OW....and reality WILL come crashing down .

 

But....you're. It st the point you can see it and prevent it.

 

I think that some people have to actually hit rock bottom before they realize what they did wasn't worth it. My husband was like that. You may be too.

 

If you don't have accountability with your wife then you will never give up OW.

 

I feel. Ad for your wife and kids--how old are they? When the affair gets found out (and it eventually will) then your relationship with your wife will be the least of your problems because the relationship with your kids will be irrevocably damaged. Your children will be damaged emotionally.

 

You need to figure this out like yesterday.

[harrybrown]

Help yourself out.

 

Tell your wife.

 

She will help you make some decisions.

[elaine567]

Its a mess of your own making but you already know that, so you need to try and work out what you really want here and apply some logic to your decision and once made you stick with it.

 

Forget "oh woe is me" and wallowing in self pity and get your brain into action.

Get active and either mend your marriage or plan for divorce.

DO something.

The way you are going, means it will all come out one day in an uncontrolled fashion and everyone will suffer for it.

YOU made this mess, so take some responsibility, man up and try to save the situation for the sake of your kids if no-one else.

They need stability, security and a happy life.

They will already know things are not going well and will blame themselves for the tensions at home.

 

Even if it means you leave and go live with your OW, they will accept that if it is all explained, done calmly and with their interests at heart.

Blowouts and stomping off and failing to take any responsibility and leaving your ex to mop up the fall out will be a disaster.

Not everyone is going to like this, whatever you decide but once all are in the picture and know the direction of travel, they can grieve, heal and move on.

At the moment everyone I guess is in limbo and in hell.

[wmacbride]

Thank you all for your input. I'm trying so hard to get my head out of the clouds and not be this basket case so caught up in the affair fog. My head just spins trying to figure out what direction to go and it is such a helpless feeling. I know I have no one to blame but myself for any of this.

 

I'm a bs, and will readily admit my advice ma be biased.

 

The thing is that I have seen how bad it can get after an A ends, and I just do not believe it's fair to your wife and children to put them in a bad position, especially if they never saw it coming.

 

You've had all the time in the world to sort through all of this. They have not. Whatever you feel/don't feel for your wife, she sure as hell deserves better than this.

 

I don't think you're a bad guy, so live up to the man you really are, muster up your courage and be honest. I won't say it will be easy. there may well be tears, yelling and your marriage may well fall apart. The up side is that you will be coming from a place of honesty, and you and your bs can move foreward, however that will look, on equal footing.

 

( btw, don't think you can lie to your wife and ask for a divorce so you can be with your ow, and she'll never know you cheated. BS usually figure it out, even if they never say a word.All you will have accomplished is that you will have shown her an incredible level of disrespect. Is that really who you are?)

[vanhalenfan]

Why do married people have their own Facebook pages separate from one another? How many of these stories start out with "looking up an old flame" or "I got a friend request from an old buddy and we started chatting"

 

If I were to do premarital counseling this would definitely be a coaching point for me. No more separate social media accounts.

 

I agree with this. I know it's probably not a popular concept to most, but so many affairs and broken families could have been prevented if the person either did not engage in social media in the first place, or, share an account with their spouse/partner. The proliferation of social media has destroyed so many relationships. How many times have I heard "it all started when he/she found me and messaged me on Facebook...?" Would not happen if the couple shared an account in the first place, or just simply did not have one (I would go so far as to say a married person shouldn't be on social media...unless it was neccesary for work/business). I find nothing wrong with that.

[purplesorrow]

I agree with this. I know it's probably not a popular concept to most, but so many affairs and broken families could have been prevented if the person either did not engage in social media in the first place, or, share an account with their spouse/partner. The proliferation of social media has destroyed so many relationships. How many times have I heard "it all started when he/she found me and messaged me on Facebook...?" Would not happen if the couple shared an account in the first place, or just simply did not have one (I would go so far as to say a married person shouldn't be on social media...unless it was neccesary for work/business). I find nothing wrong with that.

 

Social media hasn't destroyed relationships. People's poor use of social media is the issue. Adults acting like children. My ex cheated with a co-worker, should men and women not work together unless a spouse is around? It's not a spouse's job to keep another adult in line. I shouldn't have to share an account for my spouse to behave accordingly.

[BaileyB]

Social media hasn't destroyed relationships. People's poor use of social media is the issue. Adults acting like children. My ex cheated with a co-worker, should men and women not work together unless a spouse is around? It's not a spouse's job to keep another adult in line. I shouldn't have to share an account for my spouse to behave accordingly.

 

Absolutely.

 

When there is trust and both partners are committed to the relationship and behaving responsibly, there should be no problem with each person having an individual Facebook page.

 

In this case, I would suggest that OP was not entirely committed to his marriage and may well have found a way to have an affair... The problem is not in the use of social media, but the decision made by OP to deceive his wife and have sex with another woman. Facebook just made it a little easier to make things happen...

Edited May 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[cluelesswoman]

This is cheater speak.

 

It sounds like the op is a dad. If he wants to know what the best course of action is, he should imagine it's his daughter coming to him as an adult to tell him that her husband is cheating, because that is what he's doing to his wife. What would he tell his daughter? What advice would he give her wayward husband?

 

Whatever that may be , is what he should do.

 

This exactly. OP how would you like it if your daughter was being treated as disrespectfully as you are ( & have been treating her since you've been engaged) treating your wife?

[deadsoul]

You know what to do. You've made a mess and now you need to own it and face the consequences. Whatever your feelings for OW, either fix or end what you have at home. Then worry about OW.

 

Are you afraid to be alone? You may need to be to sort your stuff out.

 

Good luck. Posting here helps.