I had an affair and I'm lost

[MrWhatamess]

Well I went to therapy this morning and in talking with my doctor some of my problem is that my first relationship ended while in the infatuation period. My ex cheated on me and I never really dealt with that. I seemed to expect in a relationship somehow that infatuation period would last forever and that is how love is supposed to be. I didn't know that would fade in time as you settle into a routine.

 

Some of my other problem that's hard to look at is I have a fear I'm not good enough. That seems much more obvious looking at myself now after all this mess and seeing what I have become.

 

I was and am very selfish. I know that. To risk my wife and my kids happiness seems so wreckless just to chance this fantasy version of some infatuation stage of love that will last forever. The more I look at it is if it wasn't for this girl there was a history with there easily could have been someone else.

 

Honestly I want to be with one person and be happy. I just never have been good at communicating my problems in order to fix them. I guess I'm a way I was a coward and afraid of confrontation. So rather than create tension at home I decided to search outside of my marriage. That was a huge mistake which I'll never repeat. I would love to just get over the OW and not be burdened by the fantasy of some perfect relationship that I know would never last due to all my baggage. I really feel I'm not good enough to be in a relationship and I'm such a mess. I know I have a lot of work to do.

 

I don't know what I was expecting by posting but much of what I saw reaffirmed that what I did was wrong and that I really do need to just head one direction and not think about changing that direction. Thanks everyone.

[NTV]

Side note: happiness comes from within.

[Cali408]

Oh where to begin.....

 

First, blow up the affair. End it. Block her, get off social media, everything. For starters. Going to North Carolina is tough for about a week, then you feel better.

 

You're addicted to her. The dopamine goes off in your brain and you lap it up like a crack addict. That's not love. You're in lust. This will calm down as well.

 

You have ZERO shot of ever being with her. Once you accept that you can move on.

 

Do you think she'll stand by you when:

You're broke, because of child support and alimony

Tension with your ex-wife, Hell hath a women scorned

Issues with your children because you abandoned them for a side piece

Your family and friends turning their backs and shunning you

 

Stop playing the victim and having a pity party. Focus on simple.

Focus on your children. They'll be grown before you know it and instead of channeling your energy on them you're channeling it on her.

Focus on your wife. She's completely innocent on your secret life. Channel your energy on her.

What you're doing is taking YEARS of your life, with stress you have no control over. She's not going to wait for you. Why should she?

 

Your jealousy is just your ego. That's it. It's all brain chemistry and ego. Find religion. Read Proverbs about the road to hell from adultery

 

MAN UP, WAKE UP and start living your life in reality

[Mr. Lucky]

Side note: happiness comes from within.

 

Bingo.

 

Well I went to therapy this morning and in talking with my doctor some of my problem is that my first relationship ended while in the infatuation period. My ex cheated on me and I never really dealt with that. I seemed to expect in a relationship somehow that infatuation period would last forever and that is how love is supposed to be. I didn't know that would fade in time as you settle into a routine.

 

Excuses and rationalizations. Whatamess, do you really believe you're hellbent on destroying your life today because some high-school GF dumped you before you could get tired of her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Well I went to therapy this morning and in talking with my doctor some of my problem is that my first relationship ended while in the infatuation period. I seemed to expect in a relationship somehow that infatuation period would last forever and that is how love is supposed to be. I didn't know that would fade in time as you settle into a routine.

 

I was and am very selfish. I know that. To risk my wife and my kids happiness seems so wreckless just to chance this fantasy version of some infatuation stage

 

Many people jump from one relationship to another, hoping to enjoy the infatuation period of a new relationship. Those who are truly blessed, will settle into a relationship with their spouse that brings the joy of love, commitment, and family.

 

If what this therapist has said is true, you still have a choice to make. Continue to chase rainbows and search for the intensity of feels experienced during the infatuation stage of a new relationship... or commit to love your family, be the leader they want you to be, and put their needs ahead of your own selfish desires. You are an adult, responsible for making your own choices... chose wisely.

[waterwoman]

"Honestly I want to be with one person and be happy."

 

Good idea, make that person you. BE happy without reference to anyone else. We inhabit a beautiful world so enjoy it. Best if you can do that without hurting the most important people in your life (hint; your wife and kids).

 

Dump the unimportant additions that only add stress and anxiety (hint; that may include the OW).

[Phoenician]

This is cheater speak.

 

People DO NOT cheat because of their marriage. They cheat because there is something in them that allows them to do so.

 

I might get incredibly angry at someone. they might hurt me. That doesn't make it okay for me to hit them. No one is responsible for that but me.

 

Children blame their actions on other people. Adults take responsibility for them. If the op isn't happy, he has two choices. He can choose to speak to his wife and see if there is any way of resolving the issues that are bothering him. If not, then divorce.

 

He most certainly doesn't have the right to make decisions for his wife about who and what goes on in her life. As it stands right now, the op is bringing another woman into his wife's life, and as someone who has been coping with crap form an ow ten years later, his wife has every right in the world to know what the op may have gotten her ( and their children) in to. I really wish I had known right off so I could have been better prepared.

 

I know, I know, the op will say his ow is a wonderful person who woudl never do anything like that.

 

Bull.

 

It sounds like the op is a dad. If he wants to know what the best course of action is, he should imagine it's his daughter coming to him as an adult to tell him that her husband is cheating, because that is what he's doing to his wife. What would he tell his daughter? What advice would he give her wayward husband?

 

Whatever that may be , is what he should do.

 

 

wma , yes I admitted it , cheated on my wife . one time in 18 years , and proud of it : ashamed i did it, proud that i did it one time and regained my marriage .

 

Didn't hide it on my wife ; told her everything .

 

But my advise to this op , is to minimize damage to his family ; gaz lightning by confrontation leads nowhere .

 

in order to reach a good situation , and I mean here minimal hurting , things should be done in a wise way , you can't be borderline in those situations.

 

 

OP , you need to decide where are you heading , whats wrong with your marriage , why you are not in love with your wife anymore ; as i said before , you need to confirm that your relation with OW is just a taboo , a fake green side.

 

once you make decisions , you should now proceed in actions with minimal damage to your family and your wife .

 

tell us more about your wife , do you love her ?

[marische]

Here's my story.........

 

I've been married 13 years. Two young pre-teen children. About 14-15 ago while I was engaged I met a girl at work that I felt an instant spark with. We became friendly and I asked her out, she said yes at first but found out I was engaged at the time and declined. We stayed friendly and kept in touch for a short time after.

 

After I was married we hung out once for a couple drinks and nothing happened at all. We then lost contact for a few years till we were both on Facebook. I looked her up and added her as a friend. She was married so we chatted for a bit, caught up and went on our way. Then at some point about 3 years ago we started messaging much more. This started in Aug of 2014. We talked till January till we decided to hang out again. I figured it was safe to hang out since I thought if she wouldn't do anything when I was engaged certainly nothing would happen while I was married. I WAS WRONG.

 

That first night things moved slow at first till at one point I kissed her. Things moved so quick and we ended up having sex. Of course rather than stop things there it felt so good. (At the time my wife and I were becoming quite distant due the kids and the lack of time and attention we have each other) I accept responsibility for this since I just let it happen and got more and more distant and didn't voice my concerns.

 

After that first night we figured we'd just keep things going. The OW is not married nor was she in a relationship. Thngs we're going great. I felt such a connection and felt I was in love with her. I started doing all the sappy things, writing poems, brining flowers and we were talking tons. Things were well till about the 8 month mark with the OW until she asked if I was going to ever be with her and I said NO, she had another guy that had shown interest in her. I said go ahead. (The only reason I said that was because I didn't know weather I was coming or going in my head and I didn't want to hold her back) Things happened with her and the new guy and I felt very jealous and hurt and pulled away. We stopped talking for several months then got back together.

 

We started things up again and I could not get over this other guy and became fixated on him. I really wanted at the time to be with the OW and thought she was my soulmate with the history and connection we had. I just couldn't get over the other guy.

 

As time was passing I started getting severe anxiety attacks and depression. I was stuck and the weight of the decision what to do was all I could think about. I overthought and went over everything in my head all the time. I couldn't do anything and watched time pass and became more and more depressed. Knowing I was falling apart I walked away from the OW again. I had so many fears of what I was becoming, what would happen to my wife and kids if I left, could things really work with the OW. I looked on any site I could find and I'm still torn weather I'm stuck in limerence or it's true love.

 

I started therapy right after and tried to refocus on my marriage and worked on all the issues of how we had no time for each other and things have improved. The only problem is my heart is still with the OW. We had no contact for almost 6 months and we just started talking again. (I know stupid of me) she seems like she's over me in a way but I think she really feels I won't leave my family. Sadly I'm still on the fence. Even right now I think of saying that I'll get divorced and do anything just to have a chance. In the time apart from the OW I long for her all the time. I keep thinking how can I be happy with my wife now that I feel there is this amazing relationship out there. I also think if I can't have my OW I should get a divorce anyhow since I obviously cheated and she deserves better. I keep trying to rebuild things with my wife but my head is so stuck on the OW. I feel like I'm running out of time and that I may always love the OW more.

 

I have not informed my wife of my affair mainly due to the fact if I can get over this I will never have an affair again. I don't want to hurt her or tell her just to relive my guilt. Honestly I don't want to close the door on the OW. I feel completely stuck and have often considered leaving my family, leaving the OW and at the same time I have considered suicide in several occasions. My heart is in one place and my head in another. It's been like the for over a year and a half. I don't know how to even start to get out of this funk.

 

If I could do it all over I would have never had this affair because what it has done and what it could do. This was supposed to be casual fun with an old friend,it was never supposed to get to this. I'm so mad at myself for doing this and and I beat myself up all the time. I feel like a horrible person and don't know how to escape those feelings.

 

I can't shut the affair partner out because I'm considering trying to see if we can go forward. I have fantasized and pictured a whole wonderful future with her and written my family out sadly enough. I know my relationship with the OW has been in a bubble and would be different with custody, day to day life, the feelings like I'm a failure for giving up my family. Logically it makes no sense to leave but my heart says otherwise. In my head I reallly feel it would work (but that may be the fog) I just don't know how long to fight through this. Do I wait another year or two and what happens if I stay and still feel I'm in love with the OW.

 

Sorry if this post is all over the place, it's my first one here and my head is also all over the place.

 

Very powerful post. (((Hugs)))

[Rouik]

You have to make a choice, you say in one sentence you want to work on your marriage and the next you dream about the OW. If I can be perfectly honest with you, you don't love her you are lusting after the OW. You are infatuated with the thrill and excitement of something different and risky. You have got to tell your wife if you want to ever move beyond it and work on your marriage. While you bottle it up and keep it hidden the secret will continue to control your life. Its not fair to your family for you to pretend to be their, they need a husband and a father. If that's not something worth fighting for then be honest and leave, this limbo your living in is damaging to you and your family. Good luck as you make some very difficult decisions.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, former OW here. Just a couple comments that popped into my mind as I read the whole thread. First, reading your story was cathartic for me so thank you. Second, I'm sorry for your struggle and hope you sort everything out as soon as possible for the benefit of everyone affected.

 

Too bad you didn't step away (with integrity) from your engagement to explore the connection before marriage...but could've would've should've doesn't help anything now. Seems to me you have always wondered about your connection with this person.

 

I don't agree with some of the comments in this particular case (eg: dopamine), because you've had this simmering for 15 years with and without contact. I can't see how someone is in a fog or a dopamine high without having explored a connection furthered by years of no contact.

 

That you never got past the first stage with a previous girlfriend sounds silly to me explaining why you sought an affair. You didn't go searching for just any available AP. You went for this specific person, seeking HER out time and again. So I'm not sure it's that you wanted an A for the thrill, but seems more like you've always wondered what if about this particular person. Hasn't gone away in 15 years, albeit to varying degrees.

 

I think eventually you'll need to tell your wife regardless of what you do. From what I've learned on LS, you can't get true R without full disclosure. That is going to be hell for your wife though. Starts exploring that with your therapist. I wish you the best!

 

P.S. Edited to add: If you want to know how your OW may feel, read some of the threads in the Other Woman/Man section of LS. From my own experience I can tell you it was a special kind of hell to be in love with a man who could not share his life with me, wondering if he genuinely reciprocated feelings and feeling like he was stringing me along because either he was a total coward, didn't care enough to do differently, and/or who knows what else. It just sucked and still does all these months later.

Edited May 12, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Krtk]

Well I went to therapy this morning and in talking with my doctor some of my problem is that my first relationship ended while in the infatuation period. My ex cheated on me and I never really dealt with that. I seemed to expect in a relationship somehow that infatuation period would last forever and that is how love is supposed to be. I didn't know that would fade in time as you settle into a routine.

 

Some of my other problem that's hard to look at is I have a fear I'm not good enough. That seems much more obvious looking at myself now after all this mess and seeing what I have become.

 

I was and am very selfish. I know that. To risk my wife and my kids happiness seems so wreckless just to chance this fantasy version of some infatuation stage of love that will last forever. The more I look at it is if it wasn't for this girl there was a history with there easily could have been someone else.

 

Honestly I want to be with one person and be happy. I just never have been good at communicating my problems in order to fix them. I guess I'm a way I was a coward and afraid of confrontation. So rather than create tension at home I decided to search outside of my marriage. That was a huge mistake which I'll never repeat. I would love to just get over the OW and not be burdened by the fantasy of some perfect relationship that I know would never last due to all my baggage. I really feel I'm not good enough to be in a relationship and I'm such a mess. I know I have a lot of work to do.

 

I don't know what I was expecting by posting but much of what I saw reaffirmed that what I did was wrong and that I really do need to just head one direction and not think about changing that direction. Thanks everyone.

 

First think you know you're selfish and a coward by not owning your mistakes and not telling your wife what you did. and you dated a women while engaged to your wife that's your first betrayal you're never been committed to your wife. and making her live through all these years filled with lies is a life time betrayal you're doing to your family. If you want/could ever change by yourself you would have already did but you can't. If you want to make anything right tell your wife everything what you did from the beginning and let her make the choice atleast after all these years give her a chance to make a choice based on truth try to be open and then deal your feelings for Ow separately on either ways your wife deserves to know the truth.

[Whoknew30]

Very true, but I know some of these couples relatively well, and either they are putting on a great show, or they really are happy. I suspect the wives know, to some degree, that there's something going on, but AFAIK, there haven't been any D-days. So maybe it's just because the wives haven't had to go through it that the happiness stays intact.

 

Also, I'd say, most of the men I know who do this love their wives. They talk about them all the time. Talk about the things they have planned. Show me pictures of their families. Then head off to try to pick up someone at the bar, or to call someone they'd seen in whatever city we're in before. It's sex they are after; and I think it's just something broken in them, not their relationship, they just want the sex. I know for some of the men it's that because they use "paid" services.

 

Are these men really unhappy internally, or do they just lack a basic respect for their wives and/or think what they don't know won't hurt them? IDK, probably never will, but, it's very common in my circles (which sounds a lot like your family, a bunch of wealthy/powerful men) and I can't imagine them all to be unhappy with their wives at home. They universally complain about their sex lives; but, beyond that, I don't hear a lot "not happy" at home stories.

 

Any person that uses sex to make themselves happy is broken. In the cases you're speaking it's all based on a lie. I've watched it...the men in my family love their wives, to the best of their capability. Even at the worst points in my own marriage my husband & I could still go to parties/outings & have fun together.

 

Everything is about sex, except sex...this statement is so true. As in the case with "some" groups of men (& now women) certain personalities, nothing is ever enough. They are successful at work & see other men getting hot 20 somethings so now that is the new venture to succeed at, just as having the perfect family & big expensive house...it's never enough, which is a problem internally. That kind of personality is not happy nor content internally & are living a lie...how can a man have respect for his wife, when he doesn't have respect for himself? A person like that doesn't respect anyone.

[sandylee1]

Why do married people have their own Facebook pages separate from one another? How many of these stories start out with "looking up an old flame" or "I got a friend request from an old buddy and we started chatting"

 

If I were to do premarital counseling this would definitely be a coaching point for me. No more separate social media accounts.

 

Being married doesn't mean you're joined at the hip and are no longer an individual.

 

If someone is going to cheat, they'll do so regardless of having a joint FB account.

 

It's a case of poor boundaries.. And the OP had a bit of a wondering eye before marriage.

 

It seems that being married is such an effort for you, you might as well leave your wife and pursue your Ex mistress.

 

I'd much rather my husband left than agonising and contemplating suicide.

 

Why cause your children and other family members such heartbreak over a woman?

 

Pursue your soul mate and your wife will eventually move on and hopefully find a more suitable man, who will be loyal to her.