Disrespectful Dad

[Lilyana76]

I've had a really bad last few weeks, and having a hard time dealing with the passing of my mother.

 

I've been clinging to my Dad for support, and to help guide me through. Mom has been gone three weeks now, I miss her terribly.

 

Yesterday my Dad stopped over at my place to see the grand kids. He was riding his motorcycle. The kids always get excited when they see him on his bike, because it means they get a ride. But this time... he had a passenger.

 

He decided to take my 14 year old daughter for a ride quick. And I was sitting there talking to the woman my Dad brought over to my home. We just had small talk, about work and such. She asked how the kids and I were doing since the passing of my Mom. This woman was good friends of my parents before my mom passed away, so I thought nothing of them being together.

 

When my daughter gets back from her bike ride with Grandpa, my Dad decided it was time to hit the road. So he took his friend and they rode home. My daughter looks at me and said, "Mom, Grandpa asked me if I was ok that he was dating and had a new girlfriend." I just asked her what she said, "Well, I told him that if he was happy I was happy, but I'm crushed, how could he be with someone so soon? I feel like he disrespected Grandma."

 

Now of course this is exactly how I feel. I am so upset. Mom's not even gone a month yet, and he has a girlfriend? I want to punch him, I want to pull his hair out. I'm so angry, and hurt. How could he show up this soon to my home, with a girlfriend, and force her into my childrens face? I am beyond irate, and I'm not sure how I should deal with this.

[Popsicle]

I'm so sorry Liliana.

 

It doesn't look like your dad is going to be helping you through this like you had hoped.

 

You daughter said the perfect thing and I hope you tell him the same, including to please wait on bringing her around so soon. That it makes it appear that they were having an affair all along and that is repulsive.

[Telemachus]

[] You should be proud of him and of what your mother did during her life to keep their marriage intact. They succeeded, and there's no way he can fail your mother or her memory now. Her mortal life is over.

 

What he does now and with the rest of his life has no bearing on your mother. []

 

[]

 

[]

 

Your father has no more responsibilities or commitments to your mother. His life is entirely his own, and his decisions entirely his to make.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude and off topic ~6

[elaine567]

This is his other woman.

Ridiculously disrespectful to you and your children and your dead mother.

This unfortunately is the stuff of family feuds and how family members end up never speaking to one another ever again.

 

No doubt in his affair fog he thought that you would be cool with it and just accept her...

 

Three weeks...SMH.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think that is uncommon, I've heard lots of stories like that before.

 

I think men are particularly poor at processing grief, and also struggle more with being alone after having been in a marriage for decades.

 

Still I can't imagine how you must feel, that he's not only dating again, but at the point of taking his girlfriend to meet his daughter and grand children.

 

I think you need to call him out on this and tell him what he did wasn't okay. Not the fact he's dating her, but the fact that he brought her by like that.

[Lilyana76]

[] You should be proud of him and of what your mother did during her life to keep their marriage intact. They succeeded, and there's no way he can fail your mother or her memory now. Her mortal life is over.

 

What he does now and with the rest of his life has no bearing on your mother. []

 

[]

 

[]

 

Your father has no more responsibilities or commitments to your mother. His life is entirely his own, and his decisions entirely his to make.

 

 

You know, I understand its his life and if he wants to move on fine. But him bringing this woman around my children and asking my children if they are ok with him dating, only 3 weeks after their grandma passed, I find appalling, and painfully obvious that he's had an affair before my mom passed, while she was sick and he was suppose to be taking care of her. So, that makes your "until death do us part" comment null and void.

 

And you may be concerned with riding motorcycles, but I grew up around it, and have always loved riding. I have no issues with letting my children ride as long as they wear helmets and are with trusted adults. So far we are all still alive and well, so don't judge my parenting because you are scared about bike riding.

 

I did not expect my Dad to "wipe my nose", but I did expect him to be a supportive Father that I could lean on to help me through my grief. Obviously I can't do that anymore, because he has no grief, so he doesn't understand.

 

The fact that you think its ok for him to move on so quickly, makes me judge your character as well. We only had her funeral two weeks ago. Please tell me that you can grieve the loss of your SO or wife that fast and that its ok? The very least he could have done, was kept it between him and this women for a few months, until bringing her in front of my kids.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[Ronni_W]

I think men are particularly poor at processing grief, and also struggle more with being alone after having been in a marriage for decades.

I 100% agree with GunslingerRoland on this. The loss is far greater and will be felt far more acutely.

 

If at all possible, see if there can be some understanding and compassion for how your Dad's life has been ripped apart. It is more than likely that he will go to great lengths to try to 'fill the void'. Make this period in his life about him coming to terms with his own grief, rather than 'disrespecting' the woman he is grieving.

 

Sending strength and comfort.

[amaysngrace]

I think it's pretty selfish of him to break the news to you by showing up with her and doing it through your 14 year old child no less.

 

Are you certain that he's thinking clearly? He's suffered a big loss also. I believe death of a spouse comes in second only to death of a child on the grieving scale.

 

Either way you need to discuss how you feel about it when that woman isn't around. He owes you an explanation and you should make sure he's not being vulnerable to a cunning woman who may be taking advantage of a situation.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this when you're already going through so much.

[mikeylo]

Duh !

 

You THOUGHT that she was a good friend of your ' parents '. There is a likelihood that your deceased mother knew.

 

Sorry but 3 weeks is way too soon and that too through a 14 year old !

[mercy]

I know the pain of losing your mother, so I understand and I'm so sorry.

 

I can't even imagine what you're going through with your dad. I'm stunned to be honest. I'm hoping you speak to him soon. The nerve of him! And her!

[LastAcorn99]

I’m so sorry for your loss, Lilyana. And, I can imagine how painful the situation with your dad must be for you. While it’s understandable why you would be upset with your dad, I’d suggest that you avoid hurling accusation at him, but calmly talk this matter over with him. Sending prayers for you, asking God to touch you with His healing hand whenever you hurt. ((Hugs))

[beatcuff]

OP, i can appreciate your feelings. you lost your mom, best friend and coveted advisor. and you will come to realize the real issue/fear is you are facing your own mortality.

 

but your title clearly shows that you and now every poster can't do the same for the other party in this story. [the following is assuming your mom and dad were together 'forever' and had a decent marriage] while you lived your mothers cancer every day your dad was living it 24/7/365. he watched HIS life being destroyed: not what he expected his final years to be. you mentioned in the other thread the multiple 911 calls. who made them? she was sick, she was better, then not, then was, she was cured, she was not. he found her, he had to make 'the call'. the emotional stress on him was enormous. i have no doubt their 'friend' had the best of intentions (to help both to pull through) and was not 'out to get him'. but it did happened and often does: he needed to express/vent. he couldn't to his life long companion, he had to be the 'strong one' and she was fighting for her life. he couldn't to you --- mom was a god. he needed someone, she was there.

 

i can appreciate your anger. her passing is starting your grieving. his started a while (year+) ago. he told your daughters because he was fearful of your reaction. he thought they would 'ease' you into it: be a buffer. before you 'go off on him' (and we all know no matter how 'careful' you are or calm you start he will say something that will cause an emotional bomb to explode) ask yourself two questions:

 

so three weeks is to soon, what about 3 months or 3 years? i would guess at this moment 3 decades is too soon, but that will change.

 

did you ever 'listen' to him for 'dating/mate' advise? seriously does anyone, really.

 

i suggest ask him over, you give him a hug and say (still hugging) 'dad i am really hurting can you please give me a little more time and not bring x around'. more than likely he (being a man) will say something stupid. resist every urge and say 'thank you', then walk away/change the subject. he will NOT understand then, but that night or the next he will.

 

remember at night you can hug your children, he only has the walls.

[elaine567]

Yes he may be grieving, yes he is probably not "in his right mind", but who on earth brings their "date" to their daughters house 3 weeks after the death of her mother and recruits a 14 yo child to do his dirty work for him...???

 

I may be wrong but dementia actually crossed my mind.

I know the focus was no doubt all on your mother, but I would now focus your attention on the behaviour of your father.

 

Yes he may just be a selfish jerk with no empathy who had no idea the pain he would cause by flouting his OW, or he deliberately did it to cause trouble. BUT he may be ill here.

[NTV]

A lot of folks that are married for a long time pass within a year of each other. Sad but true. It could be his attempt to fight that possibility and to show you he's not planning to go that route.

[BettyDraper]

So sorry OP. I would be angry too.