They won’t forgive me but there is really no way I could make things right again

[tinas21]

Hi, I lurk here a lot but have finally decided to post as I’m having issues right now with my siblings but I’m not ready yet to share my past with anyone I know personally.

 

The problem is that my 3 siblings won’t forgive me for our past even tho I’m trying my best to make up for it. The issue for them seems to be that there is really nothing I could do to make up for what I did to them. And I guess their position is that I don’t deserve to be forgiven, even if I’m really sorry for what I did, because I can’t completely fix things now.

 

I have tried to be sympathetic and I can definitely understand where they are coming from. If I was in their shoes I could definitely see how it could be hard to forgive me unless I could make things right again. But I can’t, and I’ve done everything I reasonably can to help them recover and get their lives back on track, and yet they still hate me for our past and keep demanding that I do more and more and more for them.

 

This issue is really tearing me apart right now. On the one hand, I can’t shake the guilty feelings I have because I can sympathize with them and love them, but on the other hand I’m getting exasperated with all of their demands and am considering just giving up trying to earn their forgiveness. I’m torn between continuing to try to reach out to them and just forgetting about it, knowing that I did all I could to help them out. My conscience would be clear because I know I’ve done what I can. But I know I’ll still have some of these guilty feelings lingering for years if they keep hating me.

 

So I guess my dilemma comes down to feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I mean, if I’ve done everything I can to make things right, but they still won’t forgive me, is it proper for me to try and just “let it go” and move on, the best I can? Because I am now so exasperated that I’m considering doing just that, even tho it’s very important to me to have a positive relationship with them.

Any advice ? I feel really discouraged right now...

[Ronni_W]

Hi tinas21.

 

From what you've posted, it sounds like your siblings are using your past mistake to hold you hostage and keep you feeling obligated and indebted to them. So, yes, you are free to let go of all guilt and leave it all behind you and move on...with or without them.

 

Since you are clearly remorseful and have expressed this to them, and have done everything you can think to do in order to make amends, it is now their negative action to remain unforgiving.

 

You do not need their forgiveness in order to forgive yourself. (If you think or believe that you do, then of course that is exactly what they can use against you, to keep you feeling guilty.)

 

If they choose to keep withholding their forgiveness and stay stuck in their anger and hatred, then they are actually doing themselves much more harm than they can ever do to you -- in which case compassion is the best/highest that can be offered for them. But, do not let them keep dragging you down in guilt and lack of self-forgiveness.

 

It's difficult if not impossible to have truly positive - mutually rewarding, supportive and inspirational - relationships with people who of their own free wills choose unforgiveness, anger and hatred, and cannot or will not help others overcome past mistakes.

 

Wishing you the best.

[basil67]

Good for you in getting your life back on track. And kudos for trying to make good with your family.

 

However, I really can't advise without knowing how your actions affected them and what you've done to try and make good. What discussions have you had with them?

[Mr. Lucky]

The problem is that my 3 siblings won’t forgive me for our past even tho I’m trying my best to make up for it. The issue for them seems to be that there is really nothing I could do to make up for what I did to them. And I guess their position is that I don’t deserve to be forgiven, even if I’m really sorry for what I did, because I can’t completely fix things now.

 

You know, I used to be one of those smug people who said "love conquers all", thinking there wasn't anything one of my children or siblings could do for which I eventually wouldn't forgive them.

 

Then one of my kids became an addict. And after being lied to, manipulated, stolen from and conned every way possible, I learned forgiveness isn't given - it's earned. And each person sets his or her own bar as to what it takes to make them whole again, it's not the sinner's choice. For instance, in my NarAnon group, one of the families had their addicted son, while driving impaired, kill their other child. How do you forgive that?

 

Perhaps your siblings are asking themselves equally difficult questions. If so, I'd let recovery simply proceed at the speed they're comfortable with. Sounds like your life has turned in a better direction. Hope you keep on that path...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

, one of the families had their addicted son, while driving impaired, kill their other child. How do you forgive that?

That is a very difficult situation, indeed! I do hope your friends will be able to find their forgiveness even though it seems that amends cannot be made. On the other side, though, we can ever only have power over our own feelings and sense of acceptance or rejection of how things are.

 

Just as they can decide to forgive their addicted son...but he can never forgive himself, so he can decide to forgive himself...but they never can forgive him. It's two separate instances of forgiveness, and one does not depend on the other. We are only stuck in our past mistakes if we choose that for ourselves - whether or not attempts have been made to make amends or reparations (in the cases where that is at all possible).

 

Certainly the person who made the mistake or transgression has no power over or cannot 'force' the aggrieved party/parties to forgive, but it is his or her choice, at any time, to forgive him- or herself -- we don't need others' permission to self-forgive. (If that makes sense?)

[anika99]

I have a sibling who is sort of the black sheep. He has chosen to not be a part of our family anymore. We aren't a close family anyways but to be honest neither myself nor my other brother really care that we don't see or hear from this sibling anymore. He was mean, abusive, had no empathy for others, etc. All of a sudden he has started talking to my mother again and she's telling me and my brother that this sibling has changed. How would she know? After 5yrs of him not so much as speaking to her he has suddenly started phoning her but he still can't even make the effort to visit her and she probably doesn't have much time left. Apparently he has a girlfriend and they are having a baby which horrifies me. I have always said I hope he never gets married or has kids because he is an abusive prick.

 

He's never asked for forgiveness or done anything to make amends. I don't know if I forgive him or not. I never thought of it that way. I do know that I don't trust him, at all. There is nothing he could say or do that could make me trust him. Trust has to be earned and it would take a long time and as I don't even see him I doubt that I will ever have the opportunity to develop trust in him.

 

OP you haven't said what it was that caused this unforgiveness, but if it's a matter of your siblings needing to regain trust in you, well that takes time. On the other hand, if you know you have changed and have done all you can to make amends then you should forgive yourself and not allow anyone to manipulate you or use your past to take advantage of you. You say that you are exasperated by their demands but what are their demands? Are they using you for personal gain? If so then that is unacceptable and you should not put up with it.

[tinas21]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. And I agree with everything. It’s up to them to forgive me, just like God has forgiven me, and yes, I must forgive myself as well, regardless of their feelings towards me. I’ve done what I can to make things right, the rest is up to them.

 

OP you haven't said what it was that caused this unforgiveness, but if it's a matter of your siblings needing to regain trust in you, well that takes time. On the other hand, if you know you have changed and have done all you can to make amends then you should forgive yourself and not allow anyone to manipulate you or use your past to take advantage of you. You say that you are exasperated by their demands but what are their demands? Are they using you for personal gain? If so then that is unacceptable and you should not put up with it.

 

Yes, I definitely think they are trying to use me for personal gain. My younger brother and sister are demanding that I let them live here rent free, pay for all of their education, and they also want me to pay upwards of $100,000 to pay for plastic surgery, the results of which would be neglible. They basically want their “share” of our parents “inheritance” even though our parents didn’t leave them any money and even though our parents are still alive and there really is no “inheritance”.

 

My older brother is in prison and he wants me to put myself in great jeopardy to help him get released. He also is demanding all sorts of financial “compensation” as well.

 

Their demands are ridiculous, especially considering all I’ve done for them up to this point.

[Mr. Lucky]

They basically want their “share” of our parents “inheritance” even though our parents didn’t leave them any money and even though our parents are still alive and there really is no “inheritance”.

 

Boy, lots of inherent contradictions in that sentence alone.

 

Have your parents decided you'd be the executor of their estate? Have they disinherited your siblings for some reason?

 

Regardless tinas21, people can want what they want. If wishes were horses, we'd all be riding...

 

Mr. Lucky