OW writing a book about the affair...

[maria76]

My partner had a 2 and a half years long affair with a single OW. The affair is, as far as I can tell, over, but the OW is writing a book about it with every intent of having it published.

 

I'm trying my best to ignore it, but I have to admit it bothers me to no end. It's a huge trigger for me, and I believe it will be worse when it's out. I've decided on a course of action for when the book is published, but, to be honest, I'd prefer if there was no book at all to begin with.

 

I don't want anymore drama... just wish she would leave us alone and in peace.

 

Any ideas on what I could do?

Thank you!

[somanymistakes]

If there are any specific details that could lead to you being identified in the book, you might have grounds for a lawsuit.

 

However, if she's writing a romance novel about a character who is not "her" having a grand passion for a man who's not married, and there's no you in this book at all, you don't really have any backing.

 

Even if she were writing about the affair specifically, if she changed all the details so that you could not be identified it would be tricky to get a judgment against her. She has the right to use things as inspiration.

 

Rights of Writers: Could I Be Liable for Libel in Fiction?

 

If she rubs the book in your face you could probably get her for harassment, though.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I certainly would not read it....and i know that it might be hard NOT to read it....but i would not really care about her viewpoint and i would not support her finacially.

 

I am not sure how you found out that she is doing this...and just because she is writing a book does not mean it will be published.

 

I would not worry much about it...if she uses your real names i see a lawsuit ahead....

 

Anyway...please don't allow this to upset you....it is exactly what she wants to do.

[wmacbride]

She sounds like a special kind of stupid.

 

I have a feeling that any book she writes will likely only see self publishing. If it does, unless she starts buying it and giving it out,it likely won't see many sales. An audience of one ( herself) and her relatives are probably all she'll get.

 

I work in the field, and these sorts of books are a dime a dozen and are usually not written well enough to ever really be marketable. I don't expect hers will be any different.

 

Besides, it really does cut both ways. I expect it will be a pity party,dripping with "poor widdle me, and the big bad married man who chased me until I had no choice but to sleep with him, but that's okay. Everyone else's pain was worth it for me to have my fun and find myself" I could be wrong, but most people aren't interested in that sort of thing. If they are, their opinions aren't worth worrying about.

 

I understand though how upsetting this must be for you. I would be livid if it was me. You are handling it with far more grace than she is. In my opinion, she's damned lucky you have so much more class than she does.

[maria76]

If there are any specific details that could lead to you being identified in the book, you might have grounds for a lawsuit.

 

However, if she's writing a romance novel about a character who is not "her" having a grand passion for a man who's not married, and there's no you in this book at all, you don't really have any backing.

 

Even if she were writing about the affair specifically, if she changed all the details so that you could not be identified it would be tricky to get a judgment against her. She has the right to use things as inspiration.

 

Rights of Writers: Could I Be Liable for Libel in Fiction?

 

If she rubs the book in your face you could probably get her for harassment, though.

 

It's most likely a supposedly fiction novel, especially because she would be in deep trouble if her family ever found out about the affair. She is probably going to tell them she has a very vivid imagination.

 

And that's what I don't get... I have all this information and evidence that could potencially ruin her life. She knows it and she's still going ahead with it?... I mean, add insult to the injury.

 

I don't want her in my life. All I want is to move on. But I will not spare her the consequences of het actions and choices.

 

Thank you so much for the link and for the input.

[maria76]

I certainly would not read it....and i know that it might be hard NOT to read it....but i would not really care about her viewpoint and i would not support her finacially.

 

I am not sure how you found out that she is doing this...and just because she is writing a book does not mean it will be published.

 

I would not worry much about it...if she uses your real names i see a lawsuit ahead....

 

Anyway...please don't allow this to upset you....it is exactly what she wants to do.

 

Mrs. John Adams, we go a long way back. She used to be my friend until we "drifted apart"... Of course we were drinfting apart... She started having sex with my partner! She just forgot to mention that to me. Or that the reason she wanted my friendship in the first place was to keep tabs on him.

 

A couple of months before the affair started she told me she wanted to write a "more mature book about hurting for love"... She has published a book already. She paid for it herself.

 

But thank you. Knowing you wouldn't read it means a lot coming from you. I really respect your wisdom.

[maria76]

She sounds like a special kind of stupid.

 

I have a feeling that any book she writes will likely only see self publishing. If it does, unless she starts buying it and giving it out,it likely won't see many sales. An audience of one ( herself) and her relatives are probably all she'll get.

 

I work in the field, and these sorts of books are a dime a dozen and are usually not written well enough to ever really be marketable. I don't expect hers will be any different.

 

Besides, it really does cut both ways. I expect it will be a pity party,dripping with "poor widdle me, and the big bad married man who chased me until I had no choice but to sleep with him, but that's okay. Everyone else's pain was worth it for me to have my fun and find myself" I could be wrong, but most people aren't interested in that sort of thing. If they are, their opinions aren't worth worrying about.

I understand though how upsetting this must be for you. I would be livid if it was me. You are handling it with far more grace than she is. In my opinion, she's damned lucky you have so much more class than she does.

 

Wmacbride, thank you.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. Your fourth paragraph was dead on. I keep telling myself that every time I trigger over it. Rationally I get it... Emotionally, not so much.

 

I don't want to engage her and I don't want to bring her any harm. Her life was hard, I understand it and that's why I've been leaving it alone. I just want her out of my life. But enough is enough.

 

How did you cope all these years? Any advice?

[NTV]

Lmao.... sorry. I know you're wary and offended by the idea of her writing a book about her affair. And anything you do again it, positive or negative will draw attention to it to get more readers but... I read your older posts and... idk... my mind just went to potential cheesy smut novel names.

 

'The whoredourves', 'backsplash'... lol. Tell me please that you have the title! I don't think I can stop coming up with these.... 'runway panties'.... lmao

[aliveagain]

Do you still have the video of her and your partner having sex in your spare room? This might be a really good time to leak it out. Sorry, my Italian side is coming out. I immediately splashed holy water on myself after I wrote this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Do you still have the video of her and your partner having sex in your spare room? This might be a really good time to leak it out. Sorry, my Italian side is coming out. I immediately splashed holy water on myself after I wrote this.

 

oh perfect!!

 

yes post it on youtube

[understand50]

oh perfect!!

 

yes post it on youtube

 

As much as I would like to agree with Mrs JA, and Alive, that would probably be illegal, and get you in a lot of trouble. Although, I think they were not too serious. The Bloody he!! of it is that you can not do much to stop this. I suggest you ignore it if possible. Also, paid books are not much to worry about, and if she uses your name, or bases the characters too closely on you and your husband, you can sue, and make her life really difficult. So this may mean $$$ in your pocket. Just telling the "publisher" can get it stoped, as they do not want the risk.

 

So.... Think clearly, look at your options, and see where you can come out on top.

 

I wish you luck......

[maria76]

Lmao.... sorry. I know you're wary and offended by the idea of her writing a book about her affair. And anything you do again it, positive or negative will draw attention to it to get more readers but... I read your older posts and... idk... my mind just went to potential cheesy smut novel names.

 

'The whoredourves', 'backsplash'... lol. Tell me please that you have the title! I don't think I can stop coming up with these.... 'runway panties'.... lmao

 

Lmao! I almost spit my coffee over this one, NTV!

 

Oh yes, I have a few titles... Although, believe me... mine are not nearly as nice as yours!

 

And I know anything I might do publicly will only draw attention, which is exactly what she wants. I don't intend to do any of that. I will expose her to her family, though, and for that I don't need to make a scandal. A private and quiet conversation will suffice.

 

Seriously, though... That's one of the things that bothers me... My life has been turned into such a cliché... All of the sudden, my life feels like a joke. Hasn't she done enough already?? Has she no regards for anyone?...

 

She wants attention and validation at my expense. If she indeed publishes the book, she will get it... Probably just not the way she expects it.

[maria76]

Do you still have the video of her and your partner having sex in your spare room? This might be a really good time to leak it out. Sorry, my Italian side is coming out. I immediately splashed holy water on myself after I wrote this.

 

Oh yes, I do. And others too... Several of them shot at her aunt's house, which I'm sure she won't be too pleased about. I also have very graphic pictures she sent him and screenshots of the skype masturbation sessions. I've deleted nothing.

 

She's counting on my good will... But I'm not going to let her step all over me again and do nothing. Like I said, I don't want any drama and I don't want to feed the troll, but if she disregards me again and publishes the book, there will be consequences and they won't be good for her. I'm tired of being nice and understanding.

 

I feel sorry for her and I (sort of...) understand where she's coming from. But if she shows me no empathy, I will certainly show her none. She can do whatever she wants. But so can I... And I don't think she realizes that.

[aileD]

Just don't get yourself into legal trouble

[elaine567]

You need to be aware of the extent of "revenge porn" laws in Portugal before you go putting graphic videos and photos of her into the public domain.

You may find yourself in trouble with the law.

[maria76]

As much as I would like to agree with Mrs JA, and Alive, that would probably be illegal, and get you in a lot of trouble. Although, I think they were not too serious. The Bloody he!! of it is that you can not do much to stop this. I suggest you ignore it if possible. Also, paid books are not much to worry about, and if she uses your name, or bases the characters too closely on you and your husband, you can sue, and make her life really difficult. So this may mean $$$ in your pocket. Just telling the "publisher" can get it stoped, as they do not want the risk.

 

So.... Think clearly, look at your options, and see where you can come out on top.

 

I wish you luck......

 

As tempting as it might be, I won't do it. And I don't want any money. All I want is to move on with my life peacefully.

 

I guess she's betting I won't do anything about it because she thinks she knows me. She begged me not to tell her family as she depends on them financially. Like I said, I don't want to bring her any harm. She's doing a pretty good job at it without my "help".

 

But I will not let her get her rocks off at my expense again. This is my life. I have to draw the line somewhere. If the book is published, I will attend the reading and signing sessions and I will disclose everything to her family.

 

Bottom line... It's up to her how she wants to play it. For every action there's a reaction. For her sake, I hope she doesn't get to see the reaction.

 

Thank you for wishing me well!

[maria76]

Just don't get yourself into legal trouble

 

aileD, I won't. I'm not going to do anything ilegal. All I plan on doing is to disclose everything to her family.

 

Thank you so much for your concern!

[PegNosePete]

All I plan on doing is to disclose everything to her family.

Why are you going to do that? Just for revenge?

[NTV]

Your life is not a joke. That doesn't mean you can't laugh at her if she's doing something ridiculous.

 

Yeah I kept the names more subdued because there are ow/om on this site that have made changes and warrant respect for becoming better people etc. Etc.

 

But yeah, otherwise I'd still be listing possible titles. Lol. Believe me I haven't stopped thinking of them.

[maria76]

You need to be aware of the extent of "revenge porn" laws in Portugal before you go putting graphic videos and photos of her into the public domain.

You may find yourself in trouble with the law.

 

I don't want revenge, I just want to be left alone. She has disrespected me enough.

 

I won't do anything publicly. I will just let her family know the truth in a calmly manner. They believe she's an innocent angel... They have no idea how badly she behaves.

 

She is counting on my goodwill but if she publishes the book, I'll let them know. I believe it's only fair. My goodwill will only go so far...

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't want revenge, I just want to be left alone. She has disrespected me enough.

 

I won't do anything publicly. I will just let her family know the truth in a calmly manner. They believe she's an innocent angel... They have no idea how badly she behaves.

 

She is counting on my goodwill but if she publishes the book, I'll let them know. I believe it's only fair. My goodwill will only go so far...

 

But if her family doesn't know... wouldn't she be taking a really big risk by writing it all down in a book?

 

I mean...then she basically tells on herself and surely they can connect the dots?

[PegNosePete]

I just want to be left alone.

...

I will just let her family know the truth in a calmly manner. They believe she's an innocent angel.

These statements totally contradict each other. If you just want to be left alone then you should do nothing.

 

Letting her family know will just be creating a huge amount of drama which will no doubt involve you and drag you in. Do you think she will just sit there while you drag her name through the mud? She might totally deserve it, but if you start to throw stones you better make sure you can take a few bruises, because she will certainly throw some back.

 

If you really just want to be left alone then you need to leave her alone.

[maria76]

These statements totally contradict each other. If you just want to be left alone then you should do nothing.

 

Letting her family know will just be creating a huge amount of drama which will no doubt involve you and drag you in. Do you think she will just sit there while you drag her name through the mud? She might totally deserve it, but if you start to throw stones you better make sure you can take a few bruises, because she will certainly throw some back.

 

If you really just want to be left alone then you need to leave her alone.

 

PegNosePete, I don't want revenge. If I wanted revenge, I would have told them already. She begged me not to and I've kept my end of the bargain. I am respecting her request because I really don't want to mess with her life.

 

But am I supposed to respect those who show me no respect? She gets to do what she wants with no regards to my feelings and I should regard hers? I am an understanding person, but I am not a doormat.

 

She's been spared of consequences all her life, mostly because people feel sorry for her. I do too, believe me. But she's not sorry for me.

[maria76]

But if her family doesn't know... wouldn't she be taking a really big risk by writing it all down in a book?

 

I mean...then she basically tells on herself and surely they can connect the dots?

 

I know, right?... Doesn't sound very smart, does it?

 

She is counting on my goodwill. She has written a book already and at the time, she told her family it was all fiction. She told me that herself, laughing. I don't think she understands that actions have consequences.

 

After I found out everything, she had the nerve to tell me she was my friend and that loved me very much. I have a different definition of love, but hey... what do I know?... Afff!

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know, right?... Doesn't sound very smart, does it?

 

She is counting on my goodwill. She has written a book already and at the time, she told her family it was all fiction. She told me that herself, laughing. I don't think she understands that actions have consequences.

 

After I found out everything, she had the nerve to tell me she was my friend and that loved me very much. I have a different definition of love, but hey... what do I know?... Afff!

 

Well if she does write the book at that point you can disclose that it is a true story and get the last laugh... not really ... there is nothing to laugh about