OW writing a book about the affair...

[maria76]

She sounds like a real flake.

 

Lmao... I admit I had to google the meaning of flake. But yeah, I agree with you... she's all that and a bag of chips.

 

Thank you, wmacbride. Really, thank you. I hope the OW in your story finds it in her heart to stop messing with your life.

[maria76]

She sounds absolutely dreadful!

 

You should tell her family bc of how she's behaving but it could backfire, once you take her actual fear away, what else would she be capable of after?

 

What a crappy situation for you...good luck

 

I'm aware of that... Crappy indeed. It's a "damned if I do... damned if I don't" situation.

 

Thank you so much!

[maria76]

Marie I hope the book never sees the light of day. I must be very naive because I've read books about affairs and it never crossed my mind the story most likely was based on someone's real life experiences. That really bothers me, I don't want to financially contribute to someone's pain. There is more than one side to every story told:(

 

Oh, Maddieandtae... you're not naive. Just normal, I guess.

 

Thank you for your kindness!

[maria76]

Thanks for your reply, Maria! I notice you're from Portugal and that may explain the difference in what you may expect. Here where I live no one from old money would dare write such a book and attach their name to it. And the family wouldn't finance it because it would be a blight on families' reputation. Guess that's what surprises me most, that her family would finance such a book that has her name attached to it!

 

So sorry you're having to endure this. Just awful.

 

Thank you, LivingWaterPlease! For both the input and the kindness.

[sandylee1]

What a sad life she leads. If she goes ahead and publishes the book, then exposure to her family and will serve as consequences.

 

I'm not sure why she thinks this is a good idea, but if she proceeds, then she'll have to deal with what you do and rightly so.

[wmacbride]

Lmao... I admit I had to google the meaning of flake. But yeah, I agree with you... she's all that and a bag of chips.

 

Thank you, wmacbride. Really, thank you. I hope the OW in your story finds it in her heart to stop messing with your life.

 

I hope she does too, not just for me.

 

I do know that she had a very difficult childhood, and that is likely why she's so messed up today. I'd like to think that if she moves on, it's because she was able to get some help to heal from her past. She would have just been a little girl when she was abused ( I do know that is true) and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I often wonder if, underneath all the crap, she's still that hurt little girl who just wants to be loved.

 

As much as I dislike her, I do hope she can heal.

 

What ticks me off about the ow in your situation is that she doesn't care who she hurts, so long as she gets what she wants. Mind you, as I said above, it's a double edged sword. If she does manage to get her book out, it will cut her more than t does you.

[maria76]

What a sad life she leads. If she goes ahead and publishes the book, then exposure to her family and will serve as consequences.

 

I'm not sure why she thinks this is a good idea, but if she proceeds, then she'll have to deal with what you do and rightly so.

 

Thank you, Sandylee! I always find your answers to be quite thoughtful and to the point, and I tend to agree with you.

 

She lives a lonely life and I thinks she fills her void with fantasies... I feel sorry for her and I really, really wish she gives up on the book, but I doubt it. I don't think she has any notion of the possible consequences.

 

I also think she believes I don't have the guts to talk to her family, but she's wrong. I'm done protecting her.

[maria76]

I hope she does too, not just for me.

 

I do know that she had a very difficult childhood, and that is likely why she's so messed up today. I'd like to think that if she moves on, it's because she was able to get some help to heal from her past. She would have just been a little girl when she was abused ( I do know that is true) and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I often wonder if, underneath all the crap, she's still that hurt little girl who just wants to be loved.

 

As much as I dislike her, I do hope she can heal.

 

What ticks me off about the ow in your situation is that she doesn't care who she hurts, so long as she gets what she wants. Mind you, as I said above, it's a double edged sword. If she does manage to get her book out, it will cut her more than t does you.

 

Yeah, couldn't agree with you more. I hope you find peace... and so does she.

 

I know and I don't want her to hurt. But she's done it before... odds are she'll do it again. The way she's living her life, she's a disaster waiting to happen. And in her head, it's all for love.

 

Unfortunately, she never had the chance to learn what love is... It's sad.

[Bufo]

Maria. Stop obsessing. Many people write,thousands of books every year that never get close enough to publication to even smell the printers ink. The frustrated unpublished author is so common it's a cliche.

 

Here are her hurdles. First writing a book interesting enough that a publisher will buy it. Second, finding an audience for this book that will read it. Third, skirting defamation laws.

 

Yes, she can self publish. Those books are virtually never read and do cost a bundle to self publish. And "Fifty Shades of Grey" has already been written.

 

You or I could write a book about being the heartbroken OW simply by plagerising the all too many threads posted by OW here and elsewhere. Why would a,publisher pay for what's available,here for free?

 

Finally, if she is hell bent to write such a book, my take is that you'll be the equivalent of a,footnote. She certainly wasn't thinking about you during the A or taking notes for a future book. Since by definition her A was selfish, we can give her some chapter titles. Me. More Me. What I Was Feeling. Why Didn't That SOB Love Me As Much As I Loved Him? Why I Need You, The Reader! To Feel Sorry For Me. Why ImBelieve My Story and Feelings Are So Important To You That I Had To Write This Book. The End.

[NTV]

I had one more that I couldn't get out of my head...

'Do my panties stink if they're stolen? '

[PegNosePete]

What do you expect to accomplish by exposing her to her family?

I hope she stops inserting herself in my life.

Then you're going about it in totally the wrong way.

 

If you expose her to her family then she will FIGHT BACK. Can't you see that? If you find an angry snake then do you poke it with a stick?? Or simply cross the road and walk away?

 

The best way to get her out of your life is to completely ignore her. Do not ever speak to her or her family ever again.

 

My partner intends to speak with her family. He says he's willing to take responsability for his actions, so he plans on doing it himself.

Why is your partner having anything to do with her? He had an affair with her right? Why on earth do you want him talking to her family?

 

You seem to be doing all the WRONG things here. I just can't understand why you're acting like this. What you're doing is totally contradictory to your stated objective of getting her out of your life. Everything you're doing is just keeping her in it more and more.

 

Yes she has done terrible things to you. But if you keep her in your life, she will just do more terrible things.

[wmacbride]

Then you're going about it in totally the wrong way.

 

If you expose her to her family then she will FIGHT BACK. Can't you see that? If you find an angry snake then do you poke it with a stick?? Or simply cross the road and walk away?

 

The best way to get her out of your life is to completely ignore her. Do not ever speak to her or her family ever again.

 

 

Why is your partner having anything to do with her? He had an affair with her right? Why on earth do you want him talking to her family?

 

You seem to be doing all the WRONG things here. I just can't understand why you're acting like this. What you're doing is totally contradictory to your stated objective of getting her out of your life. Everything you're doing is just keeping her in it more and more.

 

Yes she has done terrible things to you. But if you keep her in your life, she will just do more terrible things.

 

Usually, this would be excellent advice and completely on point.

 

The problem is, with an owoman like her, ignoring her makes her even worse. She has never learned to create boundaries for herself, due to being spoiled. It also sounds like she has never had to accept responsibility for anything. Cause and effect likely don;t mean much to her.

 

She is the type of person who, in her mind, never does anything wrong, and she has a huge need for drama. If she can write a book, even if no one reads it but her, that will accomplish what she wants. It will probably be full of blame for everyone else and she will paint herself as some sort of helpless victim.

 

Op, you indicate that you have already spoken to a lawyer about this, but have you consulted with one who has an expertise in the field of publishing, slander, libel etc.? if you haven't already does this, I would. It will give you knowledge and peace of mind.

 

Mind you, if she does manage to get a book published, all she'll accomplish is to make herself look like a fool, because I have a sneaking suspicion she won't able to keep her true personality out of the situation.

[maria76]

Then you're going about it in totally the wrong way.

 

If you expose her to her family then she will FIGHT BACK. Can't you see that? If you find an angry snake then do you poke it with a stick?? Or simply cross the road and walk away?

 

The best way to get her out of your life is to completely ignore her. Do not ever speak to her or her family ever again.

 

 

Why is your partner having anything to do with her? He had an affair with her right? Why on earth do you want him talking to her family?

 

You seem to be doing all the WRONG things here. I just can't understand why you're acting like this. What you're doing is totally contradictory to your stated objective of getting her out of your life. Everything you're doing is just keeping her in it more and more.

 

Yes she has done terrible things to you. But if you keep her in your life, she will just do more terrible things.

 

PegNosePete, did you even bother to read my reply to your last post?... Maybe you did, but it doesn't sound like it.

 

English is not my first language and maybe something is getting lost in translation. Let me see if I can be clearer for the last time, okay?...

 

I am not doing anything to her (verb in the present continuous... From what I recall from my english classes, that indicates an action that is happening now). So being clearer, that's what I'm doing right now: nothing.

 

I was ignoring her for almost a year but that didn't stop her from messing with us (verb in the past continuous, to expresses an action that started in the past but has not finished).

 

That's when my partner and I spoke to her (simple past to indicate something that happened in the past and it's now completed). We spoke to her together ONCE and left her alone (again, simple past).

 

I have been ignoring her since that last conversation (present perfect continuous, indicating something that started in the past but still continuing). That was six months ago.

 

What have I been doing to her since? NOTHING. I am not doing anything to her NOW (just in case you missed that the first time).

 

You've advised me to do now what I'm already doing which is NOTHING. But please enlighten me again on the way I am acting since you seem to know it better than I do.

 

Now, ignoring is a very effective way to stop an unwanted behaviour. It's a technique called EXTINCTION. But while effective, it has it's downsides... one of them being that the unwanted behavior might escalate. In that case, extinction is no longer recommended.

 

I don't know if you've heard of another effective technique called NATURAL and/or LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. They are very useful when trying to teach someone responsability for their actions. For instance, if it's rainning outside and I refuse to take an umbrella, I'll get wet. The rain is not doing anything to me, it's a natural consequence. Logical consequences tend to be enforced when the behavior is harmful and they should be reasonable and related to the problem. If I drink and drive, I may get a ticket. That's a logical consequence.

 

Both of them are a result from choices someone makes about their behavior. In effect, they choose the consequence they experience. If the consequence is closely tied to the behavior, it gives the person a chance to learn what happens when they engage in that unwanted behavior.

 

There are certain rules to use these techniques... Besides being reasonable and related to the problem, they should offer a choice. But if the person chooses the consequence, one should stand firm, follow through and don't waver.

 

She mentioned the book during that last conversation six months ago and I did tell her I would disclose the truth to her family. She begged me not to and I told her she had the choice of not publishing it. HER CHOICE, HER CONSEQUENCES.

 

Are the consequences reasonable? Yes.

Are they related to the problem? Yes.

Does she have a choice? Yes.

 

Would I prefer she didn't publish it? Of course I would. But that's not my choice to make, it's hers. If she does nothing, that's what she'll get from me... A very happy NOTHING. That's why I asked if anyone had any ideas on how to PREVENT it.

 

But if she chooses to go ahead with it, then she'll get both the natural and the logical consequences... and these are the truth being known. And no, I won't be doing anything to her... I'll be telling the truth about everything SHE DID as a direct result of her behavior IF and WHEN it happens (did you notice the usage of the simple future in that conditional sentence? It indicates a possible condition and its probable result... it's not about something that is happening NOW, but rather about something that might happen in the FUTURE).

 

And nowhere did I say my partner is having anything to do with her. You inferred that from what you read without full knowledge. An inference with little information tends to be incorrect. I said he's willing to talk to her family because (yeah, you got that much right) he was the one who had the affair and he feels it should be his responsibility. It's him owning his own behavior and it's consequences. Isn't that what people usually recommend in these circumstances? I don't want him to talk to her family... We both want to talk to them together, as a team.

 

And going with your snake analogy... If I were to find an angry snake in the road, yes, I would cross the road and walk away. But if the snake is inside my house, you bet I'm going to do something about it. Or should I be moving from my home to make the snake more comfortable?...

 

To sum everything up... doing nothing before accomplished nothing. Speaking with her got her to stop. Considering that past behavior is usually a good indication of future behavior, what do you think will be more effective?...

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[maria76]

Usually, this would be excellent advice and completely on point.

 

The problem is, with an owoman like her, ignoring her makes her even worse. She has never learned to create boundaries for herself, due to being spoiled. It also sounds like she has never had to accept responsibility for anything. Cause and effect likely don;t mean much to her.

 

She is the type of person who, in her mind, never does anything wrong, and she has a huge need for drama. If she can write a book, even if no one reads it but her, that will accomplish what she wants. It will probably be full of blame for everyone else and she will paint herself as some sort of helpless victim.

 

Op, you indicate that you have already spoken to a lawyer about this, but have you consulted with one who has an expertise in the field of publishing, slander, libel etc.? if you haven't already does this, I would. It will give you knowledge and peace of mind.

 

Mind you, if she does manage to get a book published, all she'll accomplish is to make herself look like a fool, because I have a sneaking suspicion she won't able to keep her true personality out of the situation.

 

Once again, thank you Wmacbride! From the bottom of my heart, thank you... especially for understanding. If you were here right now, you'd be getting a huge bear hug from me!

[maria76]

Maria. Stop obsessing. Many people write,thousands of books every year that never get close enough to publication to even smell the printers ink. The frustrated unpublished author is so common it's a cliche.

 

Here are her hurdles. First writing a book interesting enough that a publisher will buy it. Second, finding an audience for this book that will read it. Third, skirting defamation laws.

 

Yes, she can self publish. Those books are virtually never read and do cost a bundle to self publish. And "Fifty Shades of Grey" has already been written.

 

You or I could write a book about being the heartbroken OW simply by plagerising the all too many threads posted by OW here and elsewhere. Why would a,publisher pay for what's available,here for free?

 

Finally, if she is hell bent to write such a book, my take is that you'll be the equivalent of a,footnote. She certainly wasn't thinking about you during the A or taking notes for a future book. Since by definition her A was selfish, we can give her some chapter titles. Me. More Me. What I Was Feeling. Why Didn't That SOB Love Me As Much As I Loved Him? Why I Need You, The Reader! To Feel Sorry For Me. Why ImBelieve My Story and Feelings Are So Important To You That I Had To Write This Book. The End.

 

Lmao!

 

Thank you, Bufo!

 

And I won't be obsessing anymore. I wish I could prevent it, but it's not in my power to do so... so I'm moving on.

[maria76]

I had one more that I couldn't get out of my head...

'Do my panties stink if they're stolen? '

 

Lmao!

 

Tss tss tss... I can't imagine what you would come up with if I shared a couple of minor details... Oh that would be fun!

 

I'm trying to be nice because that's what my parents taught me... don't tempt me, please!

[NTV]

Sometimes laughter is the best cure, ya know? but just in case let me know when you're ready and I'll be there jokes in... hand? Mouth? Eh you know what I mean. Lol

[LivingWaterPlease]

PegNosePete, in post #61 second quote you posted by me, "My partner intends to speak with her family....so he plans on doing it himself." was not written by me but by the OP. Not sure how you ended up attributing it to me...

[PegNosePete]

PegNosePete, in post #61 second quote you posted by me, "My partner intends to speak with her family....so he plans on doing it himself." was not written by me but by the OP. Not sure how you ended up attributing it to me...

Oh yes sorry about that, I was trying to nest quotes but the poster names got reversed. Your quote was the inner nested one and the OP's was the outer one, rather than the other way around. And the lower quote was the OP, but I copied/pasted the quote BBCode from the top without checking the name. Sorry again.