Hate myself for kissing MM and hurting his W

[brokencompass]

I met a couple this weekend and we had dinner at their house with another guest. It was a new friendship and I believe we really enjoyed each others' company. Everyone got extremely drunk. She went to bed and so did the other guest, eventually. I wanted to go home but we were in a rural area and there were no taxis. MM was very flirty with me and the conversation got too sexual and we eventually ended up kissing and there was some clothed touching. Also, some very unfortunate things were said that I only half remember and wish I did not.

 

His W came down in the morning and we must have looked weird and guilty. She drove me home. I'm devastated and disgusted with myself for having no self-control, acting like an animal and being vain and selfish. I sent a text to MM this morning apologising for making an ass of myself and saying I never intended the behaviour and hoped I had not caused damage.

 

He called later to apologise for putting me in such a position, said he had work to do on his marriage and that his W suspected something happened, but he had watered it down. He called it a 'white lie'. I don't know if that was the right thing to do and I really hope he's not minimizing so as to shirk responsibility.

 

I take full blame for my part in this and I'm sick to my stomach that I betrayed this very lovely woman for a stupid kiss. I don't know why I'm on here. I read all this stuff about how devastating even a kiss is to the BS and I just wish so much I could make what happened 'un-happen'. I genuinely never intended anything like this and my lack of judgement has really shocked me.

 

I wish I could reassure his W that I will stay 100 miles away from them all and I have no designs on her H at all. But I guess I don't deserve the luxury of being able to explain myself and feel better for it. I don't really have a point here.

 

Maybe I'm just looking for someone to tell me this will be alright, but who can really say that? I desperately hope I've not damaged their marriage. They seemed like such lovely people and I've also, no doubt, destroyed any possibility of remaining in their lives as a friend. Anyway, I'm rambling. I wish I'd just gone home earlier. I can't believe what I've done to another person.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs and moved to OW/OM ~6

[GoldenR]

You're single?

[RecentChange]

Well, you certainly shouldn't shoulder 100% of the blame here. Unless you jumped on an unwilling man, he is the one who is married, with vows, which he choose to violate.

 

I am sure it's not much of a consolation, but I have a feeling if it was not you, it would have been someone else.

[brokencompass]

I am single yes. I don't know why but I feel worse for her because of that. I feel slightly more philosophical about it today and think @RecentChange that you're probably right. I honestly didn't come on to him so maybe he was looking for an opportunity and I happened to be there and, unfortunately, 'available'.

 

The other thing is this was supposed to be the start of a potential professional association. He seemed very contrite on the call yesterday and though I said that really I should not have anything to do with either of them now, he said he'd call me later in the week about work related matters.

 

I feel very ambivalent about this. If I were his W I would want the person who was inappropriate with my H as far away from me and my family as possible.

 

It's all so messed up. I'm thinking I should politely thank him for the offer of a professional opportunity but say it would be best if I bowed out of their lives.

 

I suppose there's absolutely no way we can put this down to a shocking lapse of reason on each our parts and move on professionally as if nothing happened? I guess the clincher is that as his W knows about it that's now not feasible and probably very unkind and insensitive towards her.

 

It really was the most meaningless, foolish tryst. And such horrible consequences for her. ugh

[Phoenician]

OP ,

 

If you are really sorry about her ; just disappear from their life ; and block the guy .

 

Obviously more things seems to happen in the future if you don't .

 

You are trying to find excuses for yourslef ...

 

what happen is just a small mistake , we are human and you find some affection that you needed.

so concentrate about the future and avoid future encounters.

[freengreen]

Its good that you have realised at this stage. It will only be good for you if you stick to the boundaries you came back to.

 

However please be aware that this MM would want to ( innocent flirting has done it quite a few times sloped into affair)steer it into a full blown affair.

 

Wind it all up with him and move on, no more entertaining. That way you will take care of yourself

[Justanaverageguy]

I wish I could reassure his W that I will stay 100 miles away from them all and I have no designs on her H at all. But I guess I don't deserve the luxury of being able to explain myself and feel better for it. I don't really have a point here.

 

Maybe I'm just looking for someone to tell me this will be alright, but who can really say that? I desperately hope I've not damaged their marriage.

 

I think the issue at present is fairly small - it didn't go any further. Any desire to reassure the wife nothing will happen is more a desire to rid yourself of the guilt of what happened. That is really for you - not for her.

 

The best thing to do in this situations is nothing. Don't contact the man again and keep your distance from the couple. Acknowledge you made an error in judgement - but that it was a momentary lapse which didn't progress any further.

 

Allow yourself a measure of forgiveness so you can move on from the situation. At the moment its not something earth shattering so as long as you act correctly from here on out there shouldn't really be an issue or anything to stress too heavily about.

[elaine567]

Lesson to learn.

This was a professional meeting albeit in the form of a social get together so you should never have got so drunk that you ended up in such a compromising position.

He is no doubt a bit of an opportunist and you were a lamb to the slaughter but had you not been drunk you would have gone to bed with the other guests and not placed yourself in the company of a drunk and horny guy.

 

I would worry that this "professional association" is based on the fact you are a single and available young woman and not solely on merit.

 

I predict that if you do continue to see this guy "professionally", you will end up as his OW...

A line was crossed and it would be so easy to pick up where you left off, wife or no wife.

 

Him: My marriage is a mess. I should never have married her.

YOU: You poor thing

Him: You are so young and beautiful, and my wife doesn't understand me.

YOU: I understand you.

Him: I love you

YOU: I love you too...

Him: I want to be with you forever.

YOU: Me too. When are you leaving your wife?

Him: Soon but not right now, when the timing is right.

YOU: (3 years later) When are you leaving your wife?

Him: Soon but not now, when the timing is right. I love you we will be together, just not right now...

YOU (four years later) I can't do this any more.

Him: OK, I get it.

YOU: But I have wasted years waiting for you.

Him: (Silence)

YOU: I can't live without you.

Him: See you on Saturday, my wife is going to her mother's for the weekend.

YOU: OK.

[BTDT2012]

Cut both of them out of your life. No professional association.

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes, you've added some hurt to the world and to his wife's life. But as others have said, this was a single drunken mistake where the MM shares the blame. You have a chance to redeem yourself. Disappear from their lives. No more texting the MM. No need to apologize to the wife. The best thing you can do for her is to stay away and to block her husband on any way he has of getting in touch with you.

 

It took me a long time to realize this during/after my affair, but the best chance you have of feeling less ashamed is by moving forward with integrity. Live, learn, and don't ever do it again.

[brokencompass]

Thanks for the advice. No do-overs, ok. We live in a small-ish community and it's going to be a bit awkward. I'll just have to explain why we can't speak again if and when he calls me. I've told him already I won't be calling him again about work etc.