Well guys you were wrong, he was cheating!!!

[Dubchick]

(Read "Am I being too suspicious of my boyfriend's female friends")

 

Well.... this morning while my boyfriend was in the shower, I decided to look in his phone. I found text messages from the girl that called him that morning at 2am, where he was telling her very inappropriate things. Also I found out he went to a movie with a girl that he used to mess with the other night, and then invited me to the same movie the next day. THEN, another girl, whose relationship with I've told him before I didn't approve of, sent him a naked pic and he asked if he owed her one??? So I stormed into the bathroom and confronted him. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do. He is the guy that all my friends dream about, how can I admit that this has happened? He admitted to having sex with the 2am girl once at the beginning of the summer, but said he stopped because he wanted to do me right. Bull!!!!!!!!!!!! O my goodness I can never trust again! Help!!!

[AndrewJ]

Sounds like an arsehole .

 

he's playing u for a fool cause u r allowing him.

 

the way u say all ur freinds deram about him. Well that is making u into a insecure mess.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

You know what to do..... Just post here alot when you kick him to the curb..

[Craig]

I read the thread you mentioned at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=67478 and don't see how anyone was wrong.

 

A Fly On The Wall is wise beyond his years. "Just post here alot when you kick him to the curb."

[Marshbear]

He is the guy that all my friends dream about

 

This is the problem. He knows he is in demand and can act and do as he wills.

Find someone who isn't in such demand and is happy to just have YOU....

[Kengne]

You found out he lied and cheated.

Are u prepared to walk away?

Are u prepared to stay and 'work things out'?

 

You ask for help, but you don't really tell us what it is u want help with.

 

In case some of you didn't realize - cheating is NOT the end all and be all of a rel'ship.

And yes, this is coming from someone who was cheated on... and chose to walk away. Because

I knew I did not have it within in me to forgive and forget. I forgave but could not forget.

Plus, I also knew I deserved better. And better I did find.

 

But that's just me. I had to do what worked for me.

 

What do YOU want to do?

 

You found out. Now what?

 

K.

[Dubchick]

Kenge you're right, I didn't say what I wanted. I want to be with him. I am madly in love with him, and he admitted to me what he has done, after I saw the inappropriate text messages. He told me he knows what he did was wrong, but he will do anything to make it right because he knows he wants me to be in his life forever. I was in a 5 year relationship about a year or so before this one, and I was cheated on in that one too. However, that was high school so we know how that goes, yet in still it was still serious. I walked away from that one, dated other guys for a little while, and then fell in love with my current boyfriend. I really believe in my heart that he is the one, but I do not know how to trust again. Maybe we just need a break, and see where life takes us. He's trying really hard to show how sorry he is, as does any cheater, but I'm not ready to take him back. I'm leaving the city this friday, so it's going to be very difficult to trust when I know that he can see this girl while I'm away. I don't know what to do at this time, but I guess I'll just go with the flow?

[Dubchick]

Kenge you're right, I didn't say what I wanted. I want to be with him. I am madly in love with him, and he admitted to me what he has done, after I saw the inappropriate text messages. He told me he knows what he did was wrong, but he will do anything to make it right because he knows he wants me to be in his life forever. I was in a 5 year relationship about a year or so before this one, and I was cheated on in that one too. However, that was high school so we know how that goes, yet in still it was still serious. I walked away from that one, dated other guys for a little while, and then fell for my current boyfriend. I really believe in my heart that he is the one, but I do not know how to trust again. Maybe we just need a break, and see where life takes us. He's trying really hard to show how sorry he is, as does any cheater, but I'm not ready to take him back. I'm leaving the city this friday, so it's going to be very difficult to trust when I know that he can see this girl while I'm away. I don't know what to do at this time, but I guess I'll just go with the flow?

[Kengne]

OMG Dubchick I wrote u this amazing long wonderful post.

And I accidentally deleted it !!!

 

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

I will retype it.

 

K.

[Dubchick]

Thanks K

[Kengne]

Here it is: condensed for time’s sake of course.

 

Girl I totally understand how torn you feel right now. I have lived, and survived, what you are living now. I’m so sorry for you!!! I know how it hurts so bad like your heart is broken into a million pieces. To give u a lil background info on me..I found out in Feb of this year that my ex bf of 4 yrs, M… the love of my life… my 1st… cheated on me MANY times with MANY girls and got one pregnant! I found out when she was already 7 mths pregnant with his daughter. She called me and told me.

 

All I can say is I was devastated. Floored. And shocked. I cried… and cried… and cried some more. Of course I broke up with him immediately. Isn’t that always the immediate reaction? *hysterical emotional female screams – “ IT”S OVER!! OVER!!” *

 

And then later I cried even more about my decision, and questioned and wondered did I do the right thing? I can say now – YES. But it took me time AWAY from him, time AWAY to be able to analyze the rel’ship as a WHOLE *not just the cheating* and wonder “Is the rel’ship good for me? Is it healthy? Is this what I want *cheating aside*?” And the honest, painful answer was NO. There were many reasons why but to sum it up… we had severe communication problems. All of our discussions always ended in an argument, many times followed by a breakup (again, ALWAYS initiated by him). The rel’ship was going nowhere (after 4 flippin years, the marriage topic had not even come up seriously, once!).

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s what it was. The cheating, really and truly, was just the last straw that broke the camel’s back. If things had been different.. if it had been just 1 girl.. or 1 time.. or no one had been pregnant.. who knows? Maybe we could’ve worked things out. I’ll never know. I just know I had to do what was right for me.

 

Only you know what is right for you. My only advice to you … please take time away from him, and the whole situation to not only focus on what your heart is telling you… but also what your head is telling you. If you chose to stay, let it be for the right reason and not because you feel you will never find someone you love so much, or who makes u feel so special, or whom you connect with so much. Because trust me… YOU WILL!!! I did, and so have many others. And I’m not just saying this. And I know it sounds like one of those things everyone says.. but everyone says it because it is soooooooooo true!

 

Dubchick.. I remember a time when the mere tht of not being with my ex bf made me feel as if I was suffocating… I tht I would die. Literally. I could not picture my life without him. I could not imagine not talking, or hugging, or kissing him. I could not imagine there being no us!!! This was the man I wanted to spend my life with. The man I wanted to have kids with. How could I go on???

 

The only way I was able to picture a future without him… was to be without him for a while, and see what it felt like.

 

And that’s why I know that with time AWAY from your exbf… those intense feelings you are feeling right now… the anger, the hurt, the shock, the grief, the disgust… will fade… and THEN and ONLY THEN should you should make your decision. When I took that time away… I was able to understand that a lot of what I missed in the rel’ship.. was actually the physical. The hugging, the cuddling..someone to talk to. I was afraid to be single!! Once I was able to conquer that fear, it was clear as crystal that the only thing I could do was walk away. Because cheating aside, the rel’ship was only bringing me down.

 

But again..that was me. This is you! When you take the time away from him…and let the fog clear…. Then make ur decisions. If it is to stay, GOOD! If it is to walk, GOOD! No one can judge you because only you live your life, and it is 1 life you get hun. Don’t worry abt what other ppl will think or say. Are you living for others, or for yourself?

 

Again.. I AM NOT advocating you to stay OR go. Who am I to make that judgement for you? I’m advocating you to do what is right for YOU! When you’ve calmed down a bit and can take a rational look @ the situation. Personally.. I’m very lazy and from my experience with individuals who’ve cheated, and stayed together to work things through (eg my parents – married 23 years, double cheaters) -> it takes A LOT of hard work to overcome cheating in a rel’ship. Are you prepared for that? With this guy?

 

And even if you are.. let’s be real, it’s not something that can be done by everyone. I can forgive… but my memory is long and I know I do NOT have a forgetting spirit. I hold onto things like a crackhead holds onto their last joint lol.

 

In any case… whatever u decide, let us know! Either ways I’m sure I, and other ppl can help you whichever way you go.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck, and keep us posted! If you need to talk, holler.

 

K.

[Kengne]

Here is the thread to my story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=58269

 

I went back and re-read my post, and the replies to it.. My heart aches even know. I think it will do you good to see what I was thinking/feeling.. what others had to say... and how/why I eventually broke things off with him.

 

Personally, I 100% endorse NO CONTACT in the beginning for as long as it takes u to come to a clear, rational and right decision for you.

 

Good luck!

 

K.

[Dubchick]

Wow K, that was deep!!! Thanks so much!!! I too had the same situation with my last boyfriend of 5 years. He got one of my friends pregnant, another girl, and another one!!! Plus numerous other accounts of cheating that I later found out. So after all of that, I realized that I deserved better. Then I met this guy, not a rebound cause I had casually dated other people before him, nothing serious though. He was my dream guy. Kind of like the captain of the football team kind of thing??? When I say he's the guy my friends dream about, I mean the ideal man that any woman would wish for. They were really happy when we started dating because he really makes me happy and treated me with respect, he was affectionate, and it was obvious that we were in love. His friends told me that he talked to them about when and how to propose, so I know his feelings for me were as strong as mine were for him. But being in a LDR is hard enough, and now will be even harder that I know what he is capable of doing. And like you said, I need to take time away, which will happen on Friday because I'm leaving to go back to school. He's talking about moving where I am to prove to me that he means what he says and he really needs a second chance. But we are supposed to talk today, just to sort things out since I've calmed down a bit. I feel as though, cheating aside, this is a great relationship. It has all of the characteristics that I need and have ever wanted. He admitted to me that he has a problem, which he didn't have to, and when he did what he did he knew it was wrong and felt awful. Plus, he is a man right? Sorry men, but you guys tend to think with the wrong head! OH NO, don't get me wrong, I accept no excuses from him. He knows right from wrong, and he was CLEARLY wrong. But we've been bickering ever since I got here, and I'm sure that's what threw him over the edge. But again NO EXCUSES!!! But like you said, I need to take time to myself and decide if this is what I want. If so, I have to try and forgive and try and drop the habit of being a smart ass and not to make little comments, which I'm really bad about. I too think that this is something I will never forget, and therefore it would take A LOT for him to regain any trust I ever had in him. But I thank you for replying, you've helped me rationalize more than you could ever know! I'll keep you posted!

 

Dubchick

[JS17]

Originally posted by Marshbear

This is the problem. He knows he is in demand and can act and do as he wills.

Find someone who isn't in such demand and is happy to just have YOU....

 

this is one of the better pieces of advice that i've seen and does a lot to explain why women date jerks. you have yourself a jerk darlin.

[Kengne]

I'm glad I could help~

 

And like you with your bf.. I feel the same way abt the new guy I met. Also not a rebound IMHO as I talked to other guys b4 him. You verbalized everything I feel about my new guy, R. He is affectionate, patient, understanding, caring, communicative.. everything I dreamed rel'ship should be!!

 

BUT.. and of course, there is always a but... We have had our ups and downs and recently I found out something that upset me ALOT, and shook my faith & trust in him and us. It's hard to explain, but it has to do with his online chatting activities particularly when he's frustrated about the rel'ship (e.g my distrust issues, my sarcasm towards how he feels abt me, my hardness etc..). I am partly to blame because I see how I have pushed, and pushed and pushed.

 

With this situation - all i can do at this point is trust him - and that's what I'm going to do even though I am scared like hell that he turns out to be like my ex-bf! What makes it easier for me now is knowing I cannot stress and worry over the what ifs? and the things I cannot control. I have made the decision to stick with him because this incident aside, I personally feel the rel'ship is good and healthy for me. He grounds me and supplements (NOTcompletes) me in a way my ex-bf could not. I really like that, and want to see where this rel'ship could go. I care, but don't care what certain certain friends think abt the situaton bcuz u can't please everyone all the damn time. For now, I am doing what is right for me. And if and when it stops feeling right, I will stop doing it.

 

AND... *this is important*.... I am prepared for the possibility that he may, very well!, end up being a cheater. I may, very well, get hurt, AGAIN. But I'm prepared because guess what... THIS IS REAL LIFE FOLKS. You walk, you fall, you get back up, dust yourself off.. and KEEP WALKING!

 

I realize.. yet again... that no one, BUT NO ONE is perfect. And though I feel the rel'ship is great.. if there comes a time where I find out, beyond a reasonable doubt... he has cheated... PLEASE BELIEVE NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE REL"SHIP... I am very prepared to walk away because I realize now that there is always always bigger and better things out there. Right now I'm taking a chance on him. If it doesn't work out - so be it! We weren't meant to be. I WILL SURVIVE, BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE. I've hit the lowest of low, and from here I can only go up. I'm living life, lovin' it and happy! I value myself more than anything else.

 

Once you start looking at yourself as the prize, you will be stunned how reluctant you are to just stay and put up with ANY sort of b.s. *again, not judging, not talking just abt the cheating, but just going off my personal experience*.

 

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! Then worry abt everyone else.

 

But please do take the time away from him, and good luck!

 

K.

[newmum04]

Dubchick - so sorry we were wrong.

 

To stay or go is only a decision you can make after soul searching. Please don't stay unless he is committed to rebuilding the trust between you. Think about whether he is really worth it. Does he give you what you want and what you deserve?

 

If you do stay because he is committed to rebuilding the trust and being committed to you - it will be hard work for both of you (make sure he knows that)!!!!! Rebuilding trust is a very hard thing to do. Trusting someone again is even harder.

 

I recommend reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P Glass to anyone who is being cheated on (sexually or emotionally).

 

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

[Dubchick]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I still don't know what I'm going to do and this happened on Monday. I know it's only Wednesday, but I really need to get this off my mind. How does one go about regaining someone else's trust? I don't understand or see how the whole process is possible!

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Dubchick

O my goodness I can never trust again!

 

Don't say that. If he were faithful, would you say "From now on I will always trust everyone?"

There's a Latin proverb: Una hirundo non facit ver. (One swallow doesn't make spring)

[Dubchick]

READ BELOW, AND ALSO LOOK AT "AM I BEING TOO SUSPICIOUS OF MY BOYFRIEND'S FEMALE FRIENDS?" THREAD

 

Well, I just found out that the whole time I was in a relationship with my boyfriend, he was dating the 2am girl!!! While I was here all summer, he was sleeping with her behind my back. I found all of this out because I went over to his house, unannounced, and she was there. He wasn't going to let me in, but did and we found out that he was playing both of us. He lied to both of us about the other, and he stood there right in front of my face and told her we were never together! Then she told him to stop lying and he did, and finally admitted that what I was saying was true. But what puts the icing on the cake, is that he stood there right in front of me and told her that he picked fights with me all summer, just so we could break up and he could be with her. That he didn't want me anymore, he wanted her! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!! I have never been so hurt in my entire life. He was everything I ever dreamed of, and he shattered my faith in men and even made me question myself. I was nothing but faithful and good to him, and I can't believe he would do something like this. Me and the girl were cordial to each other, but I'm sure she's going to stay with him, because that's what we tend to do. It wouldn't hurt so bad if he had handled it like a man and been honest, but instead he'd rather break two girls' hearts and totally disregard me like we never had anything, like I wasn't just his entire world. I don't think I'll ever move on from this, but I really need some type of closure.

[Iluvsiamese]

You have to feel sorry for the other girl......just look what she winds up with! A guy who hasn't the b**** to break up with one before he picks up with the next or to tell the truth until he is cornered. He's no dreamboat, he isn't even a bargain basement barge. What he needs is an encounter with someone who will kick his sorry a**. You are the clear winner here--you have your closure and you can move on. The fact that he said he didn't want you in front of both of you is irrelevant. Can you really stake much on the tastes of this kind of person?? It takes more dignity to swallow this and move on than to stay and put up with his lying and cheating--because he won't stop for her either. Hold your head up high and walk tall. You will get through this.

[Kengne]

Dubchick,

 

My heart cries for you. I am so, so, utterly sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine to feel the pain you are in right now - just thinking about it makes me cringe.

 

I'm soooooooo sorry......

 

I don't even know where to start. Anger, hurt, despair... all those thts that went thru my head when I found out my ex was cheating.... but I can honestly say the one sole thing that saved my sanity was the knowledge that despite it all, he loved ME (and not the OW). Yes it's an ego thing but that's how I was able to reconcile and find closure re the cheating.

 

Your situation on the other hand? OMG I don't know what to say, where to start.

 

FIRST OFF -> I KNOW U DONT WANNA HEAR THIS BUT BE GLAD GIRL, BECAUSE HE DID YOU A HUGE FAVOR!! He has shown you who he really was - a stranger, a liar, a cheater. It will take a long time for you to process this, but one day you will thank him for removing himself from your life so you could move on to bigger and better things.

 

Dubchick -> YOU ARE GOING TO GET OVER THIS! YOU ARE GOING TO GET OVER THIS! YOU ARE GOING TO GET OVER THIS!

 

I am a FIRM believer in EVERYTHING happens for a reason - EVERYTHING. GOOD and BAD. I also believe that the Lord does NOT give us more than we can handle, and our REWARD to NEGATIVE events in our life is based on how we overcome the OBSTACLES. I swear to you Dubchick -> for every negative thing that has happened in my life, I have repeated this to myself and without fail something more positive has ALWAYS come along - ALWAYS!

 

The 1st thing you need to do is what I did -> VENT, RAIL, RANT at the WORLD. You have been hurt, and you have a right to rail your grief - to a point. Because us women are extreme, and if let up to us we will cry for days. You know what I did? - I didn't fight the tears, but I gave myself a limit. 10 mins/day. NO MORE. I was not gonna waster hours of tears on my ex bf every day and neither should you. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HIM!!!!

 

I know you're thinking -> "Why me? It isn't fair! I was good to him!"

 

HUN - lemme tell you somethign my mom told me - LIFE IS NOT FAIR! And you cannot control other ppls actions. The more you dwell on the unjustness of what he did, the more it will kill you. Dubchick - this is going to be one of those things in your life that you will have to let go - with or without closure/explanation from him. What he did was horrible & despicable. YOU MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY - and you have to accept that. THAT IS WHO PPL ARE! Nothing suprises me anymore.

 

Dubchick -> you said your trust in ppl is shattered. This is very normal. It is going to take you a long while to build back up that trust in ppl but hun NOT ALL MEN ARE CHEATERS! NOT ALL MEN ARE LIARS! BUT SOME ARE! I'm still dealing with trust issues myself, and it's been almost 8 mths since my breakup. I will continue to deal with these issues the rest of my life, but what keeps me up and strong is my faith in the belief that there are GOOD MEN out there! AND THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER!

 

I'm here at work so I gotta cut this short -> but if you need to talk plz post and i will be checking throughout the day!

 

Kengne.

[NiCoLe20]

once a cheater, always a cheater...

 

if u take this dude back, thats saying your ok with what he done. and he'll probably do it again, find someone else!

[chicky_cherub]

dont know how long you guys have been together dubchick, but if he knew the type of relationship you guys have, that is, being faithful, then he obviously cant do that and you deserve a lot better

Just think, you will be better off with someone you can trust and treats you right.

Why dont u get revenge

[joodee]

This is the problem. He knows he is in demand and can act and do as he wills.

Find someone who isn't in such demand and is happy to just have YOU....

 

Just checking out this forum (I usually vent on The Other Woman threads), and this is the most profound thing I've read in awhile. This describes my cheating, lying ex-MM to a T.

 

Thanks for posting this thought.

[joodee]

READ BELOW, AND ALSO LOOK AT "AM I BEING TOO SUSPICIOUS OF MY BOYFRIEND'S FEMALE FRIENDS?" THREAD

 

Well, I just found out that the whole time I was in a relationship with my boyfriend, he was dating the 2am girl!!! While I was here all summer, he was sleeping with her behind my back. I found all of this out because I went over to his house, unannounced, and she was there. He wasn't going to let me in, but did and we found out that he was playing both of us. He lied to both of us about the other, and he stood there right in front of my face and told her we were never together! Then she told him to stop lying and he did, and finally admitted that what I was saying was true. But what puts the icing on the cake, is that he stood there right in front of me and told her that he picked fights with me all summer, just so we could break up and he could be with her. That he didn't want me anymore, he wanted her! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!! I have never been so hurt in my entire life. He was everything I ever dreamed of, and he shattered my faith in men and even made me question myself. I was nothing but faithful and good to him, and I can't believe he would do something like this. Me and the girl were cordial to each other, but I'm sure she's going to stay with him, because that's what we tend to do. It wouldn't hurt so bad if he had handled it like a man and been honest, but instead he'd rather break two girls' hearts and totally disregard me like we never had anything, like I wasn't just his entire world. I don't think I'll ever move on from this, but I really need some type of closure.

 

Don't feel alone, this exact same thing happened to me. I still struggle with it, but you can definitely move on from this. It's not fair at all what happened to you. But know that it is not your fault, he has a major problem, and don't allow him to question yourself. At this point, who cares what he does, you care about yourself. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!!!!

 

Hugs to you.