Lorenzo81 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 (edited) My wife and I have been together for well over a decade and we get along really well. However we started dating at such a young age that we have had little experience with other personalities and I feel that I made a wrong choice. I am quite an open, spontaneous person while she is more reserved and closed and this seems to bug me more and more. One would say that we really match well because we supplement each other but it's not how it feels for me. She is not a super introvert but whenever I am with an other extravert I feel much more alive. When we go out for dinner keeping the conversation going feels like work for me because I am the one that has to talk all the time or it goes silent or gets awkward. I am just so tired of it. It feels as if we have nothing to talk about other than the food, other people in the restaurant or practical things about the household. Now I thought maybe this is because we live together for so long and thus we know everything about each other already, but that is not the case because whenever I am with an other extravert, we have topics to talk about for quite some time that are just things that happened that particular day. She is just not very "talky", her answers are often just short and she does't ask much. It just doesn't feel natural when we have a conversation for me. I really have the feeling that someone more open would be a better match for me. The thing is, I love her really a lot. We share the same values in life and have very little arguments and when we do we solve it quickly. We have a house and two little kids and it feels like it is crazy to give it all up for this. On paper we are perfect. She is really good looking, loves me too, we find each other attractive, basically there is not much I can complain about apart from some small stuff I can live with perfectly fine. We have had therapy for 4 months now so I know what is going on. There really isn't much wrong in our relationship. She just seems to be too quiet/dull for me. And I know every relationship will get dull after a few years...but it's not passion/love that I am missing but just the spontaneous, enthusiastic talks. I am a really social person and just feels that I can't share my thoughts/feelings with her. I can talk, but it doesn't feel satisfying when you are the only one talking without much interaction from the other person. People often ask me why do you come with this after such a long time? But when we were young we were just going out all the time, being lived. Now we have kids, sit on the couch and are not entertained anymore. I also think we both may have changed. I often tell my self just shut up man do you really want to screw up everything, damage your kids because "you want conversations"? It sounds crazy. But meanwhile it's eating me alive and I feel lonely even when we are together. I feel that whatever I decide I lose. When I leave, I lose and hurt my family. When I stay, I feel I am sacrificing myself for others. Any thoughts? Edited May 9, 2017 by Lorenzo81 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Has she always been this way? Have you tried adding some spontaneity to your lives? Surprise trips, days out, etc? What's the therapist say? Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 But when we were young we were just going out all the time, being lived. Now we have kids, sit on the couch and are not entertained anymore. I also think we both may have changed. Over time marriage and kids can kind of kill the spontaneity of youth; you have to work at keeping things fresh. Has she always been unable to carry on a conversation? What is home life like? Does she work? Is she home with kids all day? Does she ever spend time with her friends? Are you both pulling your fair share of parent duties? Housework? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 What is her life like these days? Maybe she has so little going on that she literally has nothing to talk about? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Do you continue to invest in the relationship and do things together - like dates, courses, travel? With little children, I can imagine that you don't have much time together. But still, you can be doing things with the children and making memories as a family. I would suggest, that you develop more friendships and meet your needs in other ways... Not every relationship needs to serve the same purpose. For example, if she provides a warm, loving place to come home to at the end of the day... Maybe you try to appreciate that and go out for some conversation with friends? That said, many people find this problem as their marriage continues... When the children leave home, they look across the dining room table and think "who is this person and what do we really share and have in common." If this truly is the case for you, you may indeed have a decision to make someday... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 What is her life like these days? Maybe she has so little going on that she literally has nothing to talk about? Does she work? How can you be more thoughtful of how she feels? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 You are sacrificing your life for others: your CHILDREN. You are supposed to sacrifice for them. It's the way of the world. You want to upend your family, your wife whom you claim to love who shares your values so you can have more exciting conversations? Oh please. Grow up. Get over your GIGS. Yeah you may find a better conversationalist out there, but she won't love your children. A good conversation won't make up for the fact that once you divorce your kids won't be able to walk through their own house to see both of their parents easily. A good conversationalist might not share your values or be as sexually attractive too you. For heavens sake, you can talk to people all day long -- at work, on the phone through the internet. You took vows to love, honor & cherish, in good times & bad, for better or worse until death do you part. You want to throw all that out for somebody who talks to you? Get your head on straight. Go out with out couples to have better conversations. Learn to enjoy the intimate silences with your wife. Also look at how she interacts with others. My husband is quiet especially around me. I am a talker. Through observation I learned he talks more to others because they are better at giving him the chance to speak. I have a tendency to dominate the conversation. I'm working on sitting back & listening more. It has deepened our bond. Work on your marriage. Don't throw it away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 The thing is, I love her really a lot. We share the same values in life and have very little arguments and when we do we solve it quickly. We have a house and two little kids and it feels like it is crazy to give it all up for this. On paper we are perfect. She is really good looking, loves me too, we find each other attractive, basically there is not much I can complain about apart from some small stuff I can live with perfectly fine. So you'd be happier with someone who didn't share your values when it comes to major issues such as child-rearing, sex, commitment, attraction - as long as she could carry on a conversation? Be very, very careful what you wish for... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LostandLonging Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 But meanwhile it's eating me alive and I feel lonely even when we are together. I feel that whatever I decide I lose. I am in a similar position to you. You can read my thread here, if you like: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/622356-wanting-leave-good-relationship At this point I feel like I am really forcing it. Do you feel that way as well? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I am in a similar position to you. Not sure how similar. You're in a sexless relationship with a partner 20-years older. The OP has children and a number of other connections. While your choice is purely personal, he's got others depending on him... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 This extrovert that you speak so highly of, what's her name and how long since you two have been having an emotional affair? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LostandLonging Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 (edited) Not sure how similar. You're in a sexless relationship with a partner 20-years older. The OP has children and a number of other connections. While your choice is purely personal, he's got others depending on him... Mr. Lucky Hence my only extracting and quoting the part of his original post where I feel we share similar feelings. I just thought he might be interested in reading my thread. We are both in relationships with great people that we don't feel are right anymore. Also my story is not quite as vile as you make it out to be. Edited May 10, 2017 by LostandLonging 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Also my story is not quite as vile as you make it out to be. Not my intention to offend you, thought I was just stating the facts. My apologies if poorly written... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenzo81 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Let me start by expressing my appreciation for all your responses! It is very much appreciated, i didnt expect to get so much feedback. Some of you have hit some good points that gives me food for thought, thanks! I think its a total sum of kids taking all the attention preventing us from having a decent talk and when they are finally in bed we are too exhausted for it, combined with her just being less of a talk-person and not doing much different but being with the kids. Because of this her not talking so much now is even more of an issue than before the kids. The good news is that if that is the case, it will be temporary because when the kids grow older she will be less exhausted and have more spare time to do other things and then talk about. I've also bought some books on conversations. Once again thanks, your responses gave me hope and idea's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hecan Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Please don't wait for the kids to be older. Sit down and talk to her. Tell her you miss just her!! If she is quiet and deals with kids all day she might be all talked out in the evenings but if you don't tell her that you miss her and need attention too how will she know there is a problem.... Until you come in one day and tell her your marriage was a mistake and blow up her world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Ask her questions. Listen. Ask follow up questions that encourage her to elaborate. Show interest in her answers and her opinions. Don't talk over her. Let her know that she is smart and you value her thoughts. Some people don't really talk that much not because they're dull and have nothing to say, but because they may not feel safe in expressing their thoughts, whether it be because they think they're not informed enough or their partner gets argumentative or they don't want the other person to think their opinions are stupid. A little support goes a long way towards making a great conversationalist. Link to post Share on other sites
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