How to come back from divorce

[rjthefirst]

This is by no means a how to of how to come back from divorce. If anything it's a journal of how I do it if I'm ever able to. I looked at my calendar last week and realized it's been one year since I left the house to sleep on my brother's couch and 'let her cool down'. I'm now many months into a seemingly unending divorce case.

 

I really don't want to go into the details right now, they'll probably come out over time. I took her for granted, I neglected to care for our relationship. She had her faults too. Let me just say divorce is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, even harder than the death of my father. When someone dies, you don't lose your house. You don't lose your kids.

 

I was hospitalized twice in the past year. Once for emergency surgery brought on no doubt by acute stress. The other time my therapist insisted I check into an intensive outpatient program. At that point I had basically shut down and couldn't function. Things are better, but I'm still struggling in a lot of ways.

 

I lost my job due to too much family medical leave and underperformance. I couldn't cope. Interviewing while going through divorce is a special level of hell I pray you never have to go through. I did manage to get a way better job that pays a lot more. It's probably the best thing in my life right now and it's going pretty well. I've turned into a bit of a workaholic at this time.

 

Physically I'm a wreck. Recovery from surgery took a long time. I lost a ton of weight, then I gained it back double. I joined a gym in January but only started going regularly 3 weeks ago. I see myself in the mirror and I just look and feel like ****. There is a big custody dispute right now. I have been worried to death about losing my kids. She basically wants to cut my time to 4 days a month, which is insane. During the months of Jan-Mar I suffered from severe insomnia. I'd sometimes go 48 hrs without sleep, I'd lay awake at night worried about my kids. I'd be driving home from work and the road ahead would get blurry - it was pretty scary. I did get some strong sleep medicine and the insomnia seems to have gone away.

 

Emotionally - well at least I'm not totally shut down anymore. At least I can keep it together enough to maintain my job. I'm still depressed as ****. I have a ton of guilt, I blame myself for the divorce and for ruining my kids lives. I know - no one person is completely at fault. If I'm honest with myself it was mostly my fault. This divorce has turned my kids world upside down, my daughter has broken down crying numerous times. I can't forgive myself.

 

I get up, drive to work. I go to the gym sometimes, not enough. Not many friends, hardly any support group. She took all the friends. My brothers and mom, they support me but they're basically over it after a year of this ****. They expect me these days to 'man up' - god I hate that term. So I don't get much sympathy from them. I joined a divorce support group. I didn't connect w any of the people there and left. I don't drink or do drugs at this point. I play a lot of video games though. I'm basically lost.

 

Why am I writing. I am registered with exactly one online dating app. It's not one of the major dating sites. I like it because it only lets me see ten people at a time, and I don't spend all day compulsively browsing peoples profiles. I basically just look at people's pictures. I've talked to a few women but certainly nothing's come of it. Mainly because I can't really handle dating right now. Last weekend I was matched with my wife. It was so surreal looking at your wife of ten years' dating profile. It really knocked me for a loop. I don't know why I'm so upset - I'm in the same app after all. I guess mainly because I know she's moved on and I always held out a little hope for us. Now I know it's pretty much over. That was several days ago and outside of work I've just been laying in bed depressed.

 

It's been one year. I feel like I should be much farther along. Every day is still a goddamn struggle.

Edited May 9, 2017 by rjthefirst

[somuchfortheone]

This is by no means a how to of how to come back from divorce. If anything it's a journal of how I do it if I'm ever able to. I looked at my calendar last week and realized it's been one year since I left the house to sleep on my brother's couch and 'let her cool down'. I'm now many months into a seemingly unending divorce case.

 

I really don't want to go into the details right now, they'll probably come out over time. I took her for granted, I neglected to care for our relationship. She had her faults too. Let me just say divorce is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, even harder than the death of my father. When someone dies, you don't lose your house. You don't lose your kids.

 

I was hospitalized twice in the past year. Once for emergency surgery brought on no doubt by acute stress. The other time my therapist insisted I check into an intensive outpatient program. At that point I had basically shut down and couldn't function. Things are better, but I'm still struggling in a lot of ways.

 

I lost my job due to too much family medical leave and underperformance. I couldn't cope. Interviewing while going through divorce is a special level of hell I pray you never have to go through. I did manage to get a way better job that pays a lot more. It's probably the best thing in my life right now and it's going pretty well. I've turned into a bit of a workaholic at this time.

 

Physically I'm a wreck. Recovery from surgery took a long time. I lost a ton of weight, then I gained it back double. I joined a gym in January but only started going regularly 3 weeks ago. I see myself in the mirror and I just look and feel like ****. There is a big custody dispute right now. I have been worried to death about losing my kids. She basically wants to cut my time to 4 days a month, which is insane. During the months of Jan-Mar I suffered from severe insomnia. I'd sometimes go 48 hrs without sleep, I'd lay awake at night worried about my kids. I'd be driving home from work and the road ahead would get blurry - it was pretty scary. I did get some strong sleep medicine and the insomnia seems to have gone away.

 

Emotionally - well at least I'm not totally shut down anymore. At least I can keep it together enough to maintain my job. I'm still depressed as ****. I have a ton of guilt, I blame myself for the divorce and for ruining my kids lives. I know - no one person is completely at fault. If I'm honest with myself it was mostly my fault. This divorce has turned my kids world upside down, my daughter has broken down crying numerous times. I can't forgive myself.

 

I get up, drive to work. I go to the gym sometimes, not enough. Not many friends, hardly any support group. She took all the friends. My brothers and mom, they support me but they're basically over it after a year of this ****. They expect me these days to 'man up' - god I hate that term. So I don't get much sympathy from them. I joined a divorce support group. I didn't connect w any of the people there and left. I don't drink or do drugs at this point. I play a lot of video games though. I'm basically lost.

 

Why am I writing. I am registered with exactly one online dating app. It's not one of the major dating sites. I like it because it only lets me see ten people at a time, and I don't spend all day compulsively browsing peoples profiles. I basically just look at people's pictures. I've talked to a few women but certainly nothing's come of it. Mainly because I can't really handle dating right now. Last weekend I was matched with my wife. It was so surreal looking at your wife of ten years' dating profile. It really knocked me for a loop. I don't know why I'm so upset - I'm in the same app after all. I guess mainly because I know she's moved on and I always held out a little hope for us. Now I know it's pretty much over. That was several days ago and outside of work I've just been laying in bed depressed.

 

It's been one year. I feel like I should be much farther along. Every day is still a goddamn struggle.

 

 

First of all... I know your pain, believe me. I'm headed for divorce and every single day I think "I need a new life". It's just awful... there's no escaping it. I'm sorry.. I know how badly you hurt and I don't understand why I can't just move on.. get over it like he seems to be...

 

Have you tried telling her your regret of neglecting her... that you love her and you know know that she's the one for you and that you want your family back together?

[whatnot]

Second of all...

 

These are not the writings of a man that is 100 percent at fault for a divorce. No one is 100 percent at fault. Try and dial back the self-flagellation if at all possible. The only thing missing from your story is where you're whipping your own back with a chain while crawling on your hands and knees to the wailing wall. It takes two to tango.

 

 

And yes....divorce is can be more painful than the death of a loved one. In the one....it was against anyone's will. In the case of divorce...it's a conscious decision to reject the core of another.

 

It was 2 1/2 years before I even considered dating again. You're right on track.

 

I have a friend. His divorce is only a couple of weeks past....after being married for 30 years. 3 children. He's already on dating sites. I've not told him the whole story yet. He's about to learn though. Nothing he can do will enable him to escape that pain that awaits him. He's still in the "honey moon" phase of "I'm so glad to be rid of that *****". "Sorry friend...that's not how this is gonna play out for ya" I've not told him that. He'll learn

 

Hang in their friend. The pain of divorce isn't something we hear about on TV, in the movies, in society in general. We tend to believe because it is so prevalent, and all of us has known someone who's been though one (or more than one) we are conditioned to believe that it's something we can (or should) be able to do.....with, if not ease, the at a minimum, with grace.

 

It's not.

 

It's devastation. Nuclear, scorched earth, annihilation.

 

You're right in the middle of worst of it. Hang on....

Edited May 15, 2017 by whatnot

[somuchfortheone]

Second of all...

 

These are not the writings of a man that is 100 percent at fault for a divorce. No one is 100 percent at fault. Try and dial back the self-flagellation if at all possible. The only thing missing from your story is where you're whipping your own back with a chain while crawling on your hands and knees to the wailing wall. It takes two to tango.

 

 

And yes....divorce is can be more painful than the death of a loved one. In the one....it was against anyone's will. In the case of divorce...it's a conscious decision to reject the core of another.

 

It was 2 1/2 years before I even considered dating again. You're right on track.

 

I have a friend. His divorce is only a couple of weeks past....after being married for 30 years. 3 children. He's already on dating sites. I've not told him the whole story yet. He's about to learn though. Nothing he can do will enable him to escape that pain that awaits him. He's still in the "honey moon" phase of "I'm so glad to be rid of that *****". "Sorry friend...that's not how this is gonna play out for ya" I've not told him that. He'll learn

 

Hang in their friend. The pain of divorce isn't something we hear about on TV, in the movies, in society in general. We tend to believe because it is so prevalent, and all of us has known someone who's been though one (or more than one) we are conditioned to believe that it's something we can (or should) be able to do.....with, if not ease, the at a minimum, with grace.

 

It's not.

 

It's devastation. Nuclear, scorched earth, annihilation.

 

You're right in the middle of worst of it. Hang on....

 

 

I feel like it hurts much more for the one who didn't choose the divorce, don't you think.. or does it hit the other person later?

[whatnot]

I feel like it hurts much more for the one who didn't choose the divorce, don't you think.. or does it hit the other person later?

There's no winners in divorce. We all take it on the chin.

[whatnot]

I feel like it hurts much more for the one who didn't choose the divorce, don't you think.. or does it hit the other person later?

It can certainly appear that way. someone said...and it's never left me...."Outward appearances are not inward reality".

 

Hang in there

[somuchfortheone]

It can certainly appear that way. someone said...and it's never left me...."Outward appearances are not inward reality".

 

Hang in there

 

 

Thanks.. I'm getting strong day by day, thanks to this site especially. People have such good advice and are so selfless and supportive.

[Lostgirl50]

I am sorry to hear about your pain. You are 100% correct - divorce is so very painful. One has t daily deal with it and still try and function . It is a juggling act for sure. You sound like you are and have taken good steps to go forward. Seeking help, going to a gym and acquiring a new job. Those are huge steps! There was days after my break up I literally could not get out of bed ! I have learned that life is like a book. There are many chapters and you have ended one chapter and starting another . One never knows what is going to happen . For me I have learned to try and see joy in each day. Sometimes it is very hard but not impossible. Take care

[SunnyWeather]

I remember during the darkest days of my divorce people would say it WILL get better. Of course, when I was deep in it, I could not possibly believe that.

 

Guess, what? Several years have past, and things most definitely did get better. I'm so happy with my new life. I cannot imagine what things would be like if I had stayed in my dead marriage.

 

this too shall pass. one day at a time...

 

(((hugs)))

[Popsicle]

I am several years out of divorce and it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through too. The first couple of years I was a wreck and couldn't do anything. Now it's a distant memory and I almost forget what it was like. So yes it does get better.

[Chilli]

l can hardly remember being married anymore, how weird is that.

lt does still hurt sometimes , when something pops u or a thought , but it really is amazing how far you come.

 

Baby steps for now m day or a wk a time , be good to yourself , treat yourself too and if there's the money , buy new stuff or yourself a few presents.

l had no money but l bought the best sound system l could scrape in , a gift to me. Was the smartest thing l could've done and got me though 100s of bad nights.