What have I done to myself?

[racing20]

This story is a bit long so please bare with me. I will try to not to make it drag on and on but will include the points that are important.

 

Back in Jan, I was messaged on instagram by a lady who works at the same company I do albeit on a different floor. That morning she walked into the building behind me and I did the gentlemen thing and opened the door for her. Later that morning as mentioned she sent me a message. Upon viewing her IG, I seen her profile picture was of her and a man so right away I had a red flag that this girl was already taken. Against my better judgement, I decided to reply and we started talking. After some messaging back and forth, she gave me her number and told me to text her. So that night I did text her, and we started talking and when I say talking, it was like non-stop texting. After texting awhile she did finally come out and tell me she lived with her boyfriend and their kids (she waited two days to actually tell me and I never had asked but assumed from the IG pic.)

 

She basically told me that she was unhappy in her relationship. She said she felt alone all the time and that her man was not there emotionally for her and he had blown over 15 grand out of her savings account which had put a huge strain on things. Some nights she would be texting me until 4 am which made me wonder if she was sneaking around her man. She would mention hanging out with me but her idea of hanging out was us sitting in her SUV after work. She actually baked me cookies for my birthday. She would also make very blunt comments, send me flirty pics and eventually asked me to send her x rated photos. I had more sense then that especially since we work for the same company so I didn't do this. She also confessed that she had cheated on him with a guy she had a crush on in high school and that the guy had been coming to take her to lunch while she was at work for awhile before she even started talking to me. She claims her man cheated on her first so it made what she did ok.

 

After about a month of talking, she would only text me while we were at work. Once she left work she would not communicate at all. I took this as since she was around her man, she did not want to get busted texting another guy. When I would ask her if that was the case, she would claim she was always busy with her kids and doing stuff but it seemed odd at first she was texting non stop and then it got to just while she was at work.

 

Our last communication was texting at the end of march. I jokingly said I remember when you were nice. Her reply was how am I not being nice. I replied back I was only kidding but she has not said a word to me since that. Whenever I post something on snapchat, she always views it so I know she is still looking at my stuff. It makes it quite awkward to since we work in the same building if we ever cross paths I wouldn't really want to say anything to her.

 

As dumb as it might sound, I found myself actually liking her. She seemed like a sweet girl even with the red flags and I thought she was looking for an out from a bad relationship. I don't understand how she just decided to quit talking to me unless she has fixed things on the homefront and only was using me as someone to cry to and make her feel good. I feel stupid for spending over 2 months talking to this girl and finding myself having feelings for her and now I don't even want to cross paths with her at work. So I came here because I have read the forums and see lots of great folks posting with advice and figured this situation has probably happened to others beside me.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Vivir]

At least you properly identified the red flags, Racing 20...

and if you haven't done so already, you really should be backing way,

way away from this one.

 

It seems to me that she sought you out, in particular,

finding you first at work and then on Instagram.

This was a strategic meeting for her, in my honest opinion. Perhaps I am jaded, but texting you for hours on end and then stopping... then texting only at work but during non-working hours there's radio silence is a HUGE red flag for me... People who pull disappearing acts on weekends, too. Her idea of "hanging out" is in the car in the parking lot... I agree, absolutely a red flag.

 

But I am getting ahead of myself. Befriending people at work is not necessarily a bad thing; however, when the person is attached - or we think they are, we have to be vigilant in protecting ourselves from possible messy situations.

 

Based on what you've written, her unhappiness and financial distress both seem to me to be hooks for a possible savior - who tells random people or new associates about such things?

 

The following is especially inappropriate:

 

She would also make very blunt comments, send me flirty pics and eventually asked me to send her x rated photos. I had more sense then that especially since we work for the same company so I didn't do this. She also confessed that she had cheated on him with a guy she had a crush on in high school and that the guy had been coming to take her to lunch while she was at work for awhile before she even started talking to me. She claims her man cheated on her first so it made what she did ok.

 

That last sentence is ridiculous. Two wrongs don't equal right. I am almost sure you agree with me, Racing20.

 

Her strategy of meeting you and then trying to hook you to possibly save her from her terrible relationship makes her a questionable person at best. Perhaps people do not even realize just what they are doing, or the impact they have on the lives of others. If she is backing away, consider this a blessing. Whether she was aware or not, her intentions could be construed as using, and you do NOT need that in your life. It is not your responsibility, it takes away from you focusing on what you should focus on (i.e., you and your goal of meeting and being with someone just for you).

 

1. Let her back away. In my opinion, she means you no good.

 

2. Establish boundaries. For me, I do not accept or receive calls/texts between 9pm and 9am unless from trusted friends and/or family. I also call people on their bullisht... asking me to send an x-rated photo when you have a partner is bullisht of the highest order.

 

What did you do to yourself? You were being a human. We are social animals and we like to be liked. And we want love. It's OK to like someone. But you have to protect your heart and your mind. Two months is a drop in the bucket. Let this go now. Don't waste a year or more like I did on something that will at best go nowhere and at worst have your self-esteem in the negative and your mind in chaos.

[spiderowl]

Oh dear, so many red flags. She is used to charming men. She cheats, she goes behind her partners' backs. She leads men on, picking them up and dropping them when she's busy with a different one. She was asking for nude pics of you? Glad you had the sense not to send them: she could easily have turned to blackmail. I am not so sure she is a nice woman; she sounds highly manipulative to me and a real risk. Anyone getting emotionally involved with her would be cheated on.

[bluefeather]

Seems like she sought you out as a potential guy to cheat with. And even though you followed her trail of candy, meaning texts, maybe a part of you deep down inside felt like something was not quite right, so you kept a distance. You showed that with how you felt in regards to her request for sexual pics. Well done, btw. Eventually, she might have picked up that you were being difficult for her to hook up with, and then she started to back off.

 

When you develop a connection with someone (whether it's with a good or bad person), people tend to get used to it, and it feels uncomfortable when the connection changes or goes away. Also, if she was pursuing you and texting you constantly, it probably felt good with the amount of attention, especially if you were ignoring the red flags. This might explain the feeling of liking her.

[racing20]

Thanks for the words. Every post certainly made good points. That is the issue with being a nice guy, even if you realize something is not good for you, you ignore that and think there could be a chance. But the x rated pics pretty much raised the biggest red flag. I try to avoid problems and I certainly didn't want her man finding out and coming after me or causing issues. I think it would be easier for me if I knew there wasn't a chance I could cross paths with her during the work day. I'm not mean so I'm not sure if I could just keep walking and not say anything. But I think I saved myself some headaches when she dipped.

 

Cheers.

[bluefeather]

I'm not mean so I'm not sure if I could just keep walking and not say anything.

 

Well, I might just say "hello" and leave it at that. I've been in a similar situation as you once, and it was also in a work environment. I didn't want to pretend she was invisible, but she also straight out told me that she couldn't have any contact with me anymore because she promised her boyfriend that she would stop talking to me. Anyway, I still tried to avoid the awkwardness of running into her, but I knew it had to happen one day. But the day that it did, it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. We exchanged a greeting and went on our separate ways.

 

I, as well, think you saved yourself some headaches. If she ever reaches out to you again, I would advise you to stay away the first time. That is the advice I would have given myself if I could have.

[Origin]

Dude....consider yourself BLESSED and lucky to have dodged that bullet. As somebody wrote above, she sounds very manipulative and she would have destroyed your mind.

 

Don't take this the wrong way please, but i think she "backed off" because she found a third guy to mess around with. She saw she is not getting anywhere with you(sex) and she is NOT leaving that guy no matter how much she is saying shes unhappy, trust me, so she probably found a third guy to mess around with. I'm sure she's a sweet innocent looking girl but those are usually the ones who will mess you up bad.

 

You did the right thing, noticing the red flags and NOT ignoring them, I wish I did the same thing in my situation, I would have saved myself a lot of pain.

 

Don't get sucked into that tornado, it will mess you up. If she text you again just downplay it until you can really back away from her. If you see her at the hallway just say hello and leave it at that, if she wants to talk, say you're busy. I know this is easier said then done since you fell for this girl but know this.....if you give in to her....you will get hurt and your heart will get broken, no matter what she tells you.

 

Good luck

[anika99]

She wasn't ever looking to leave her boyfriend, she was looking for sex on the side. She made blunt comments and asked for xrated photos because she was down for some fun between the sheets. She cheated before and she's looking to cheat again. You didn't take her bait so she probably found some other man who is willing to be her pleasure on the side.

[CM71]

She's a cheater. Move on.