Are the terms "emotional affair" or "emotional cheating" oxymorons?

[Silveresque]

I don't get how there can be such a thing. "Cheating" or "having an affair" are terms we specifically reserve for sexual activity with someone outside of a committed relationship. It seems like an oxymoron to me. Also, by prohibiting "emotional cheating" or "emotional affairs", aren't you basically saying that a person can't have a (best) friend of the opposite sex? I mean if that's a condition you want to implement, that's your decision, but why do these terms exist in common usage? Unless otherwise stated, isn't it generally assumed that you can have friends of the opposite sex in a relationship? And if you're not spending time with a significant other as a symptom, isn't that simply called being "distant"?

 

I've never been in a relationship, so I obviously don't get it which is why I'm asking.

[MountainGirl111]

Sometimes emotional attachments with others are even stronger and pull a person away from a relationship more so than physical attachments. This could especially be true for women who have different emotional needs than men. Also, sometimes it's easier to 'get over' someone that you are NOT emotionally attached to. Also, I've heard somewhere before that some relationships can recover better from an affair if there wasn't an actual love bond that occured outside the relationship. In other words, say a man cheats on his wife, but doesn't really LOVE the affair partner. It was just sex; just physical. If the man was actually in LOVE with the affair partner on a deeper level than just sex, the wife feels MORE betrayed than if it was just sex. Relationships are not just about the physical bonds. There is the emotional aspect too; feelings.

[d0nnivain]

I don't care for the terms myself. I also don't think having deep meaningful conversations with somebody constitutes a violation of any marriage vows I know of. However, when one person in a relationship spends all their time, energy & emotions on someone outside that relationship the technicality that it wasn't physical doesn't really excuse the fact that more effort is being poured into something that is not the marriage / primary relationship.

 

 

Part of the key is that would you say & do the things with the extra person in front of your SO? If yes, then you are probably OK. If you are being sneaky, & you act or speak behind your SO's back you are on a slippery slope & you need to stop.

[elaine567]

It is not true that "Cheating" or "having an affair" are terms we specifically reserve for sexual activity with someone outside of a committed relationship"

 

Cheating occurs when one partner goes outside the marriage to look for a connection, either physical or EMOTIONAL.

 

There is therefore no oxymoron.

 

Re: Opposite sex friends

 

As men and women get older they realise that having friends of the opposite sex whilst being in a committed relationship is not good, as there is often an underlying sexual attraction.

 

Many men especially, hang about with women they either secretly love or would have sex with given the opportunity. Few heterosexual men hang around with women they are definitely not "interested in".

Many women think it is all platonic when to his mind it is far from platonic and he is just waiting for the opportunity, maybe even for years.

Many attached men know this, so will not tolerate stray men hanging around their wives/gfs.

 

Attached women are also well aware of the besotted "friend", they do not want his BFF from school or college or some work colleague texting him day and night "platonically".

It may sound great to have opposite sex friends, but in the real world of adults, it rarely works out well.

Sex always gets in the way somewhere.

[Space Ritual]

While both Genders tend to have different views on what constitutes an affair ( i.e Physical versus Emotional) the commonality that both genders usually can agree on is that it is the obfuscation and lying associated with infidelity that is often the most damaging.

 

Cheaters are liars, regardless of whether it is emotional or physical. They lie to their significant other, or spouse. They lie to the affair partner, and most of all, they lie to themselves. Usually the lie they tell themselves is along the lines of "Nobody's going to be hurt", "I deserve this indiscretion in order to strengthen my relationship", or "What my partner or spouse doe snot know won't hurt them".

 

Ask any victim of infidelity and they will tell you a major source of their pain is the perpetrator's ability to lie to their face without batting an eye.

[Try]

by prohibiting "emotional cheating" or "emotional affairs", aren't you basically saying that a person can't have a (best) friend of the opposite sex?

"emotional cheating" or "emotional affairs" are different than having an opposite sex friend. In the 50s many couples would spend time together, fall in love, get married, and then have sex (in that order). Having an emotional affair (EA) is when you are "in love" with someone other than your spouse, but not yet having sex with them; it is statistically common for EA partners to eventually have sex with their EA partners. Being "in love" is very different than having love for someone that is just a friend, or is a family member. For example, I love my children, but I am in love with my wife. Because I am in love with my wife, my wife is my primary relationship. One of the tell tale signs that your spouse may have someone else in their life is when your spouse tells you that they "love you but are not in love with you"; this is what they tell you no matter if they are in an EA or a physical affair (PA). Edited May 10, 2017 by Try

[Cilantro]

I don't get how there can be such a thing. "Cheating" or "having an affair" are terms we specifically reserve for sexual activity with someone outside of a committed relationship. It seems like an oxymoron to me. Also, by prohibiting "emotional cheating" or "emotional affairs", aren't you basically saying that a person can't have a (best) friend of the opposite sex? I mean if that's a condition you want to implement, that's your decision, but why do these terms exist in common usage? Unless otherwise stated, isn't it generally assumed that you can have friends of the opposite sex in a relationship? And if you're not spending time with a significant other as a symptom, isn't that simply called being "distant"?

 

I've never been in a relationship, so I obviously don't get it which is why I'm asking.

 

My best friend and I have had the same kind of confusion about how emotional cheating can truly be a type of cheating. I think it depends on the person and the circumstances, and their expectations for what constitutes trust and loyalty in a relationship. I think some people will have more of an issue with physical cheating, whereas some might see emotional cheating to be worse than an emotionless, "just for sex" one night stand. I'm the type that would definitely be more angry and offended about physical cheating. But we all have different definitions and applications of cheating. For example, I feel like I'm getting cheated on by my job/employer in a weird kinda way. My job hasn't given any of us loyal existing employees a raise in almost 6 years, even after they mandated us to complete a Masters degree just to keep our current (non-increasing salary) job positions, but recently I found out that they've been recruiting brand new employees for much higher wages than us existing coworkers are making. They denied us raises despite our unwavering loyalty, yet they go and give the raises to the new, unproven employees instead. I actually went through all the same stages of infidelity grieving when I found out my employer was doing this! In that case I guess you could say it's a form of financial infidelity but not even in a romantic relationship. So yeah it depends on the person, the relationship expectations, and the circumstances.