One Sided Reconciliation?

[kgcolonel]

SadDad....I really feel for you here. I think (knowing what i now know after being married for many years) that this is the time you need to help the two of you come to a decision. You may start by asking her the "why are you so detached etc...i.e. are you afraid of being hurt again, lost your trust and feelings, looking to me to call the lawyers etc....

 

I would suggest that you talk with your MC privately to discuss their help in this conversation. One MC I have been working with told me that some couples go to MC to repair the M and some to help navigate the exit.....your MC should be able to do either here.

 

You may chose to stay together until the child is 18, many consider this unreasonable but personally, I see this as the responsible thing to do even if you both decide to date "quietly" to satisfy your own personal needs. The child deserves an intact home....

 

Just my opinion though

[saddad44]

SadDad....I really feel for you here. I think (knowing what i now know after being married for many years) that this is the time you need to help the two of you come to a decision. You may start by asking her the "why are you so detached etc...i.e. are you afraid of being hurt again, lost your trust and feelings, looking to me to call the lawyers etc....

 

I would suggest that you talk with your MC privately to discuss their help in this conversation. One MC I have been working with told me that some couples go to MC to repair the M and some to help navigate the exit.....your MC should be able to do either here.

 

You may chose to stay together until the child is 18, many consider this unreasonable but personally, I see this as the responsible thing to do even if you both decide to date "quietly" to satisfy your own personal needs. The child deserves an intact home....

 

Just my opinion though

 

She has stated to me that she doesn't want to get a divorce and wants to work it out, but that she needs a lot of time. While I can understand and appreciate that, I do not accept her treating me like this for months, ignoring MY needs and MY feelings. I understand healing yourself is important, but healing together can be equally important. I can't get that through to her.

 

I am not sure about our MC. We have both been to individual sessions. In my sessions he basically told me only I can make the decision for myself. He said three options:

 

1. Stay and try to make it work, give her all the 'time' she wants and learn to cope

 

2. File for D and move on, possibly jump starting her into R, though unlikely

 

3. Stay and live your own life and don't' worry about it the relationship, focus more on the kid and my own individual life

 

Our MC is extremely non-bias. When I voice my concerns about how throwing up the walls and detaching he just says this is how some people cope. It just seems like no one cares about how *I* feel or what I'm going through. I have not been able to properly cope with her cheating on me. And it was with my friend. And it lasted 5 weeks. And I caught her, she didn't confess, she had been sending him pictures, sex messages, etc. And I am the one who is at fault for all of it. It drives me insane.

 

However, I don't want to divorce. I don't want to be in my mid 30s, divorced with a kid from a marriage. That might be the reality I find myself in the future, but I am having a hard time facing that right now. She is a stay at home mom and has a lot of anger over not doing anything over the past 10 years and is channeling that anger towards me.

 

If we do stay together, I feel like it's just going to empower her to be even worse to me physically and emotionally. This is why I cheated in the first place, as misplaced as it was, I was unhappy sexually. It was brief (1 week) and I ended it and confessed immediately. I also moved out prior.

 

I just want my life back, but it seems that life is dead more and more every day.

[alsudduth]

She has stated to me that she doesn't want to get a divorce and wants to work it out, but that she needs a lot of time. While I can understand and appreciate that, I do not accept her treating me like this for months, ignoring MY needs and MY feelings. I understand healing yourself is important, but healing together can be equally important. I can't get that through to her.

 

I am not sure about our MC. We have both been to individual sessions. In my sessions he basically told me only I can make the decision for myself. He said three options:

 

1. Stay and try to make it work, give her all the 'time' she wants and learn to cope

 

2. File for D and move on, possibly jump starting her into R, though unlikely

 

3. Stay and live your own life and don't' worry about it the relationship, focus more on the kid and my own individual life

 

Our MC is extremely non-bias. When I voice my concerns about how throwing up the walls and detaching he just says this is how some people cope. It just seems like no one cares about how *I* feel or what I'm going through. I have not been able to properly cope with her cheating on me. And it was with my friend. And it lasted 5 weeks. And I caught her, she didn't confess, she had been sending him pictures, sex messages, etc. And I am the one who is at fault for all of it. It drives me insane.

 

However, I don't want to divorce. I don't want to be in my mid 30s, divorced with a kid from a marriage. That might be the reality I find myself in the future, but I am having a hard time facing that right now. She is a stay at home mom and has a lot of anger over not doing anything over the past 10 years and is channeling that anger towards me.

 

If we do stay together, I feel like it's just going to empower her to be even worse to me physically and emotionally. This is why I cheated in the first place, as misplaced as it was, I was unhappy sexually. It was brief (1 week) and I ended it and confessed immediately. I also moved out prior.

 

I just want my life back, but it seems that life is dead more and more every day.

 

 

So basically, you are truly remorseful for your actions and she isn't. It only works if you both WANT it to work....it sounds like she is only halfheartedly (if that) in the same place as you. I suggest option 3 from your MC - live your life, and slowly detach your dependency to her. She will either come around and start putting in the work, or she won't, but you'll be in a better place emotionally when that time comes. Good Luck.

[aileD]

I'm sorry but there's no such thing as a one sided reconciliation

[saddad44]

So basically, you are truly remorseful for your actions and she isn't. It only works if you both WANT it to work....it sounds like she is only halfheartedly (if that) in the same place as you. I suggest option 3 from your MC - live your life, and slowly detach your dependency to her. She will either come around and start putting in the work, or she won't, but you'll be in a better place emotionally when that time comes. Good Luck.

 

Thanks!

 

I think that is the option I kind of lean towards, at least as long as I take it.

 

However, she is a stay at home mom, so she depends on me for money. I paid for a lot of the affair she had as well. She was buying outfits, new underwear etc. every weekend for it. (something she refused to do for me grr). Anyway...

 

Do I put her on a budget? Do I cap her? Give her an allowance? She has been spending so much money lately, so now she into all these 'projects' that cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars. I am afraid to say 'no' because I don't want to upset her.

 

I have been trying to detach from her the past week or so. Very difficult. Up until this all started (5 months ago is when I did mine, 2 months is hers), she was my world. I was just unhappy in some ways, and my doctor gave me some medicine I think made me crazy and I went through a mid life crisis. It was very uncharacteristic of me, but I can't change the past.

[NTV]

What about a postnup?

[saddad44]

What about a postnup?

 

Such as? Not sure she would agree to this, anyway.

 

EDIT: You aren't the first person to suggest this. What would the post nup look like? What would I include etC?

[Guildford]

Partial advice here. Forgive your wife for her affair, forgive her completely and unconditionally. You can terminate your friendship with her affair partner. After all, when you confessed you were saying: by the way we had an open marriage for a while, you just didn’t know about it, but now I want to go back to monogamy. She was saying, “**** you, I’m going to enjoy the open marriage too.” Let’s say you had a formal open marriage and wanted to return monogamy. You couldn’t hold your wife responsible for something she did while it was open. If you truly forgive your wife and continue to show contrition for your affair and ask for forgiveness, hopefully she will lighten up on the spending.

 

I do not understand how someone can have an affair in an otherwise monogamous marriage and then claim outrage when their spouse has an affair.

[saddad44]

Partial advice here. Forgive your wife for her affair, forgive her completely and unconditionally. You can terminate your friendship with her affair partner. After all, when you confessed you were saying: by the way we had an open marriage for a while, you just didn’t know about it, but now I want to go back to monogamy. She was saying, “**** you, I’m going to enjoy the open marriage too.” Let’s say you had a formal open marriage and wanted to return monogamy. You couldn’t hold your wife responsible for something she did while it was open. If you truly forgive your wife and continue to show contrition for your affair and ask for forgiveness, hopefully she will lighten up on the spending.

 

I do not understand how someone can have an affair in an otherwise monogamous marriage and then claim outrage when their spouse has an affair.

 

Well, I am out raged for a few reasons:

 

1. We were in reconcillation mode, supposedly.

 

2. She was lying and saying she was going to her family's house to unwind.

 

3. She was texting him nasty stuff while sitting right next to me or with me.

 

4. She never confessed, still didn't until I showed her the proof.

 

5. She sent him one final message apologizing after she was found out.

 

6. She blames me for it, isn't remorseful.

 

7. She was doing stuff with him I begged her to do the entirety of our marriage.

 

I have forgiven my wife, to a certain extent. But it's hard to forgive someone who isn't remorseful. I know she has guilt, and she's channeling that guilt into anger. But she maintains that mine was worse blah blah.

 

I just keep saying let's forgive each other and look forward and move towards fixing ourselves and each other. I guess we're just looking at things differently or something. I'm not sure if it's because she's scared of the money situation, the kid, or what. I really have no idea. I know she loves me, but I also know love can fade and deteriorate, especially under these situations.

 

Hers was 3 months after mine.

[lolablue17]

After you, she has done her part (affair), but it seems that it didn't help her to feel better about your affair. Her affair eliminates her right to complain about your's, but it seems that it doesn't stop her from doing that.

 

Sorry, but I think it's over.

[OneLov]

Any advice?

 

Patience. If you truly want to save your marriage, you must be patient with her.

 

I'm not excusing her actions in any way whatsoever, but you need to try to understand this from her POV. She is attempting to gain some control over her life and marriage. I'm not suggesting she's playing games, she's likely trying to protect herself.

 

Think about it: You decided to step out. Then, you decided you wanted back in and wipe the slate clean. Now, you've decided she should be getting over it on your timetable. She's making poor choices in an effort to get you to understand what it's like when you have no control of your life or marriage. Sucks doesn't it?

 

I'm not judging you or saying she gets a pass, but it's only been 3 months. If you want this marriage--hang tight and go all in. If you can't handle the heat, well, respectfully exit the kitchen.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you both happiness.

[Guildford]

The fact is that your affair was first. Weighing the gravity of the two affairs is a good idea if you want to end the marriage with a self righteous feeling, if you want to save the marriage concentrate on forgiveness. I realize you are going through some tough times, but remember two things: you had the first affair and you have some young children.

[ahmed8xm]

She cheated because you cheated on her at the first place

Her affair was revenge

She wanted to do it for herself to.get ovrr your infidelity

As a Bs yes she still think herself as a victim

So as a bs she needs time

She will not show you any remorse well not now maybe in future

If you really want to save your marriage you have to accept her decisions

Dont blame her because you bring the other person between you in the first place

Edited May 10, 2017 by ahmed8xm

[saddad44]

The fact is that your affair was first. Weighing the gravity of the two affairs is a good idea if you want to end the marriage with a self righteous feeling, if you want to save the marriage concentrate on forgiveness. I realize you are going through some tough times, but remember two things: you had the first affair and you have some young children.

 

I completely understand what you're saying.

 

I don't think either one was worse or better - they were both terrible mistakes. My issue is that she sees hers as the lesser of two evils, and continually reminds me of that.

 

She is gaslighting me into thinking our entire 10 year marriage was **** (it wasn't). Sure, we had our problems (what marriage doesn't?), but everyone always said we were the couple that was going to make it.

 

My issue is her complete selfish actions over the past 3 months. She has not gotten off the couch or out of bed. She is abusing marijuana heavily (I don't have a problem with pot, but when you smoke it all day every and won't stop, it's a problem). She has put forth zero effort in our relationship/reconciliation. She has said extremely hurtful things to me (I don't love you right now, I don't find you attractive right now, I have lost all respect for you, etc etc.).

 

This just doesn't seem like a good way to reconcile and seems childish. It's like she has regressed emotionally into a 16 year old. I do not say this kind of stuff to her, because I know it wouldn't help, just venting. I also know she has been through some pretty insane trauma emotionally. But the second she decided to have a five week affair with my friend, she inherited half responsibility towards the reconciliation process, in my opinion. A part she is refusing to participate in.

 

We haven't really had sex. Very little to no touching. We sleep in the same bed, but at opposite ends. We rarely talk during the day while I'm at work. She has almost complete shut down towards me. When she's around other people, she's her normal self. When she's around me, it's like she acts dead. It's almost like she is punishing me, showing me in front of me that she is fine around other people and ignoring me.

 

It's all very frustrating. And I don't know how long I can deal with it. It feels like it's destroying me, but for the sake of my marriage, my wife and my children, I feel like we owe it a good effort try to make it work, but I don't see how that can be successful when it's all one sided.

 

I have read many self help books, gone to MC, even when she didn't. etc. I feel like I am a better person and have a better perspective on life. However, I am sick of having to work, come home and clean the house, cook, etc. because she won't do anything. Now, I have been told I'm being a push over because I am doing everything like that - but I refuse to let my child live in such conditions or not have good dinners or a clean house, clean clothes etc. So, I will not stop making sure his needs are looked after.

 

Gah - what a situation.

 

For what it's worth - I have forgiven her actions as best I can without her showing remorse or responsibility. I do still have a lot of anger inside me that hasn't been dealt with because I've been too busy trying to figure her out. I have spent the last week or so trying to 'detach' from her emotionally, for my own benefit. I would call it a mild success - but I fear that is just going to end with a divorce.

 

So lost, confused. Counseling doesn't seem to be helping. Nothing does. Gah!

[Friskyone4u]

I completely understand what you're saying.

 

I don't think either one was worse or better - they were both terrible mistakes. My issue is that she sees hers as the lesser of two evils, and continually reminds me of that.

 

She is gaslighting me into thinking our entire 10 year marriage was **** (it wasn't). Sure, we had our problems (what marriage doesn't?), but everyone always said we were the couple that was going to make it.

 

My issue is her complete selfish actions over the past 3 months. She has not gotten off the couch or out of bed. She is abusing marijuana heavily (I don't have a problem with pot, but when you smoke it all day every and won't stop, it's a problem). She has put forth zero effort in our relationship/reconciliation. She has said extremely hurtful things to me (I don't love you right now, I don't find you attractive right now, I have lost all respect for you, etc etc.).

 

This just doesn't seem like a good way to reconcile and seems childish. It's like she has regressed emotionally into a 16 year old. I do not say this kind of stuff to her, because I know it wouldn't help, just venting. I also know she has been through some pretty insane trauma emotionally. But the second she decided to have a five week affair with my friend, she inherited half responsibility towards the reconciliation process, in my opinion. A part she is refusing to participate in.

 

We haven't really had sex. Very little to no touching. We sleep in the same bed, but at opposite ends. We rarely talk during the day while I'm at work. She has almost complete shut down towards me. When she's around other people, she's her normal self. When she's around me, it's like she acts dead. It's almost like she is punishing me, showing me in front of me that she is fine around other people and ignoring me.

 

It's all very frustrating. And I don't know how long I can deal with it. It feels like it's destroying me, but for the sake of my marriage, my wife and my children, I feel like we owe it a good effort try to make it work, but I don't see how that can be successful when it's all one sided.

 

I have read many self help books, gone to MC, even when she didn't. etc. I feel like I am a better person and have a better perspective on life. However, I am sick of having to work, come home and clean the house, cook, etc. because she won't do anything. Now, I have been told I'm being a push over because I am doing everything like that - but I refuse to let my child live in such conditions or not have good dinners or a clean house, clean clothes etc. So, I will not stop making sure his needs are looked after.

 

Gah - what a situation.

 

For what it's worth - I have forgiven her actions as best I can without her showing remorse or responsibility. I do still have a lot of anger inside me that hasn't been dealt with because I've been too busy trying to figure her out. I have spent the last week or so trying to 'detach' from her emotionally, for my own benefit. I would call it a mild success - but I fear that is just going to end with a divorce.

 

So lost, confused. Counseling doesn't seem to be helping. Nothing does. Gah!

 

 

Saddad,

 

From what you have said here and in last post, I would be worried that her affair turned out not to be just revenge but that she is still involved in some way with OM.

Most revenge affairs that are only that the WW wants it exposed to make BS hurt and "get even". She is behaving like a woman still in an active affair, especially given that you are basically now or have been playing the modified version of the "pick me ' game.

This 180 crap is not designed to win her back but for you to detach. I hope you understand that.

if I were in your shoes with a stay at home wife who has plenty of time on her hands without you around combined with her attitude and behavior, I would not be betting the ranch that there are no other man or men involved. She has admitted nothing you haven't discovered. Maybe you haven't discovered it all.???

[saddad44]

Saddad,

 

From what you have said here and in last post, I would be worried that her affair turned out not to be just revenge but that she is still involved in some way with OM.

Most revenge affairs that are only that the WW wants it exposed to make BS hurt and "get even". She is behaving like a woman still in an active affair, especially given that you are basically now or have been playing the modified version of the "pick me ' game.

This 180 crap is not designed to win her back but for you to detach. I hope you understand that.

if I were in your shoes with a stay at home wife who has plenty of time on her hands without you around combined with her attitude and behavior, I would not be betting the ranch that there are no other man or men involved. She has admitted nothing you haven't discovered. Maybe you haven't discovered it all.???

 

That might be true. I have GPS on her phone, so I know she isn't going anywhere, but I don't know what she's doing the 8-9 hours I'm gone from the house. But I know she hasn't been anywhere sketchy. That doesn't necessarily mean someone isn't coming over there I guess, but I really don't see that.

 

She just keeps saying she needs time and can't look at me romantically. It's quite hurtful really.

 

I don't think she's involved with anyone anymore. But I could be wrong, I really didn't think my wife would ever do this to begin with, even with my mess up.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I had a very brief affair. I confessed and immediately became transparent to my husband. He chose reconciliation instead of divorce.

 

Two years later...my husband had a brief revenge affair. He confessed and we chose reconciliation instead of divorce.

 

We had a good life...a good relationship for the next thirty years however...my husband still triggered badly every year near dday for him. He never felt I was remorseful for my affair and that I really did not understand the pain i had caused him.

 

He came to a forum and asked the question what is remorse? He found the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. He asked me to read it and i did. We finally crossed the last hurdle in our reconciliation...and he seldom triggers any more and our relationship has continued to grow.

 

I will tell you that in my mind and in his mind...his affair was the direct result of my affair. Now having said that...he is accountable for his affair. But I am confident...had I not had an affair ...he would not have had an affair. By the way...he did not have intercourse with his affair partner and i did.

 

I have never concentrated on his affair. I have never held it over him. I have held him accountable...but i have been very understanding.

 

Your wife is not only dealing with your affair and what you did...but she is also dealing with what she did. My husband said to me many many times...i hated the person i became. I understood that he became this person becasuse of what i had done.

 

Often times revenge affairs only cause more pain for the betrayed spouse...because they are not only disappointed in their wayward...they have lowered themselves to the same level...and they are injured by their own actions.

 

I dont beleive your wife will ever show you the remorse you seem to have shown her. I have known several couples on forums that have been touched by both an affair and a revenge affair....in none of those relationships...have i seen the betrayed spouse display the level of remorse they require from their wayward....and i beleive it is becasue to some degree...they blame the wayward for both affairs. Please dont misunderstand what i am saying. They are accountable....however...they know in their own minds had their spouse not betrayed them first...they would not have cheated.

 

 

I emasculated my husband....I made him feel worthless...I took away his comfort....I destroyed the innocence of our relationship. His affair was not only to try to get inside my head and figure out how i could do what i did....but he was out to recapture what i had destroyed in him. He was terribly disappointed...he hated what he did and he still did not understand.

I remember him saying to me in the beginning that i had ruined his life. He has not said that for a long time and i dont beleive he thinks that anymore...However...My affair changed our lives forever. There is certainly life after infidelity and it can be good....but it is forever changed.

 

By the way...an affair is not a mistake....it is a choice. While you may not think your affair was worse than your wife's revenge affair....i am willing to bet she does....and i think most betrayed spouses do...becasue you started the whole thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I went back and read the whole thread again and there are a few things i would like to point out to you.

 

You had your affair 5 months ago...and she had hers three months later...and it has only been two months.

 

Sir...you have no idea what remorse is....and she is still mentally checked out.

 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair in the BEST of circumstances....and you are dealing with two of them.

 

My husband was a zombie for months....MONTHS. He was devastated. Do you have any idea how devasted your wife is?

 

My first clue is when you said...I just want my life back.

 

Sir...you will NEVER have your life back. You may have a good life...but life as it once was is GONE.

 

Please read the book i recommended. Please read the millions of threads here about how long it takes for people to learn to live with infidelity. Please read about how long it takes for healing and for remorse and forgiveness.

 

It does not happen months from an affair....it takes YEARS....and it frightens me that you are so discouraged by her. I would ask you....what do you think she feels about you? Do you have any clue what you have done to her?

 

No...I dont think you do. I am reading here the words of a wayward spouse who has no idea at the devastation he has caused.

[understand50]

saddad44,

 

First of all to echo what Mrs JA said, this is going to take time. You are just beginning. You need to give this up to 5 years. You cannot expect her, or yourself to just get over it. You have asked for your life back, but it is gone forever. What you need to reconcile yourself to, is a new and maybe better life. It is possible. IT will take some hard work on both your sides, and if you are to have a chance of being successful, you are going to have to commit.

 

Right now your wife is devastated, and is self meditating. She is not ready for you, and you do need to give her some space, but work to engage her as well as you can. You are going to have to start, and you will have to do the heavy lifting to get things goings. Here are some links to help you:

 

The first is the top link on the site

 

"Things that every wayward spouse needs to know "

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

You should start by reading this, printing it out for your wife and then discussing it. Should be of help.

 

The second is Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"

 

HOME

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

I have given you both her site and a free PDF.

 

The third is "There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation."

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

The Fourth is "Guilt vs remorse vs shame as it relates to affairs "

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs-2.html

 

Now, we talk about remorse here. I do not think you understand just what is remorse. To make things more difficult, remorse can mean many different things to different people. The last thread, goes into that subject and you can see many takes. I think the "whole" can say something to you. My take is as follows:

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

I bolded what I think is the heart of remorse. It is something to discuss with your wife, and try and reach what you both understand is remorse for each other.

 

I wish you luck......

[understand50]

saddad44,

 

Some more thoughts, marriage, and relationship in general take 4 things. Persistence, compassion, memory, and lastly, love.

 

Persistence, in that you are in it for the long haul. For better or worse. You are will to see though the bad times, or the times when you are just not feeling know that if you work at it, if you try, a better marriage and life can be had. You are going though a really "bad" time. Both you you have cheated, but staying the course, and working to heal yourself and help her heal herself, will have rewards, both for you and your kid.

 

Compassion, for your wife. Compassion, but not acceptance on how you hurt her, and how she is still in such pain. Compassion in that you forgive her, but will not forget what she did. The same for her as to yourself. You both have hurt each other. Show compassion on how you got here, and work not to further the pain. Help each other with the triggers and pain. Be understanding. If you have really forgiven her, then you hold to it and do not hold it against her.

 

Memory in the woman that you fell in love and built a life with. When ever I am really angry with my wife, I think of the good times, look at a picture of her a a young teenager. Beautiful girl I fell so hopelessly in love with. Can you reach back and find some of that feeling to tide you over? Can you remember what it was about her that attracted you?

 

love A Loveshack poster "Mercy" posted the following:

 

"Compassion is a beautiful thing to witness. You seem to reach past the pain, as hard as it is, you do it and you do it for love. I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes."

 

I think this says it all, as it shows that love can be stronger then the hate of what they have done. This holds for more then infidelity. If you really truly love your wife, you will allow that love to win over the hatred of what she has done to you, and also what you have done to yourself and her.

 

You both have compromised your morals and your honor, they both can be redeemed, by showing that you can over come this.

 

I wish you luck.......

[sidney2718]

I agree with Mrs. Adams. I'd only add that neither you nor your wife seem to have adult maturity. If I were in charge, I'd note that YOU started this with your affair. You are responsible for that. And you can't expect your wife to forget the affair.

 

Her affair is another story. She probably had it as a kind of revenge affair and was not happy with the result. So we now have you wishing she'd get over your affair quickly and her, trying to get over her affair and deal with you.

 

Seems to me that you both need help, both individual counselling so you can each understand what drove you to your treatment of each other, and marriage counselling to help you find each other in the emotional desert that the two of you created.

[harrybrown]

She is not remorseful.

 

you need to start the NC with her and the 180.

 

you need to start detaching and where does she get the money for the drugs?

 

Or does her lover bring them to her?

 

Stop the M/C, you are wasting your money.

 

Use the money to go see an attorney. She may wake up , but she may not.

 

and yes, separate your money. You will need it for the D.

 

Stop the pick me dance. You can not do this one sided.

 

Maybe she will wake up, but maybe not.

 

But you need to stop being a pushover and stop picking me. Tell her with her attitude, you are done. See if you can get a 50/50 custody split.

 

But have her get a job so that she has to buy her own drugs.

 

She is torturing you and stop letting her do it.

 

She had a vicious revenge A. She does not care about you.

 

Time to move on.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She is not remorseful.

 

you need to start the NC with her and the 180.

 

you need to start detaching and where does she get the money for the drugs?

 

Or does her lover bring them to her?

 

Stop the M/C, you are wasting your money.

 

Use the money to go see an attorney. She may wake up , but she may not.

 

and yes, separate your money. You will need it for the D.

 

Stop the pick me dance. You can not do this one sided.

 

Maybe she will wake up, but maybe not.

 

But you need to stop being a pushover and stop picking me. Tell her with her attitude, you are done. See if you can get a 50/50 custody split.

 

But have her get a job so that she has to buy her own drugs.

 

She is torturing you and stop letting her do it.

 

She had a vicious revenge A. She does not care about you.

 

Time to move on.

 

Harry....

 

He is not remorseful either. Go back and read this thread and forget about the wifes revenge affair....

 

How would you address this man 5 months out from his own affair....how would you address his language?

 

He is making his wife out to be the villian...she is the victim. She has had 5 months to process what this man has done to her....and her answer was wrong....she had a revenge affair....but he is not one bit remorseful

 

he says....I just want my life back...well he destroyed it....and just becasue he is ready to be over what he did....doesn't mean his wife is... she is destroyed....and is now even self destructing.

[Maddieandtae]

Revenge affairs from my experience are just revenge on the person doing it. That's how I felt anyways. My ex-husband had an affair for several years and even brought our young son at the time around the OW.

 

I was devastated, there was emotional abuse and sporadic physical abuse through out our marriage. It's so strange how I felt, how could he have an affair after all that went on in our home?

 

I was really messed up and shut completely down, I was just surviving to get through the days. I didn't try to stop the affair, I just went on excisting.

 

I'm a rape survivor and I never sought help to show me I was loveable and not some tainted dirty girl. Instead I made the horrific choice to have an affair with a person who I let use me till I completely broke myself.

 

Affairs suck, revenge affairs suck even more. My husband and I separated and divorced 3 months into my revenge affair. For us it was the only choice that we could make. We just had to much negativity to get help. This might be your case and if it is,focus together on how to co-parent in a healthy way for your child.

[saddad44]

Harry....

 

He is not remorseful either. Go back and read this thread and forget about the wifes revenge affair....

 

How would you address this man 5 months out from his own affair....how would you address his language?

 

He is making his wife out to be the villian...she is the victim. She has had 5 months to process what this man has done to her....and her answer was wrong....she had a revenge affair....but he is not one bit remorseful

 

he says....I just want my life back...well he destroyed it....and just becasue he is ready to be over what he did....doesn't mean his wife is... she is destroyed....and is now even self destructing.

 

 

You are most certainly wrong. I am very remorseful and carry a lot of guilt. However, she had her role to play as well. She has could shouldered me for months and that's not fair after what she did.

 

I gave her time and space. She doesn't take the counseling seriously and makes fun of it. She sits on the couch all day and smokes. And I'm the bad guy? Yes, I started it. I moved out before anything happened. I was done (in my head), got drunk and had an awful weekend. Immediately went home with guilt and rage at myself and confessed everything.

 

I am not trying to claim moral superiority or any of the such. I am simply stating my desire to go back to normal, I have not demanded this from my wife. I have been quite caring and compassionate with her during this and supportive.

 

I am doing my best but it feels like I am drowning and don't know what to do. I understand it takes a while to heal. I get it. I need to heal (both my guilt and my feelings of betrayal) as well. I don't buy just because I did it first it's all my fault and I have to cater to her feelings only.

 

We have both been brought hell and it seems like I am the only one fighting to hold it together for our family and each other. Simply seeking advise on how to handle the situation, if it can even be resolved - ever.

 

I am starting to lose faith and doubt everything.