One Sided Reconciliation?

[mightycpa]

I wrote this in response to what I read a couple pages ago. What I've read since has not changed my mind a bit. saddad44, please consider the following. It's close to what some posters have said already. Maybe if I say it my way, it will resonate stronger.

 

She has stated to me that she doesn't want to get a divorce and wants to work it out, but that she needs a lot of time. While I can understand and appreciate that, I do not accept her treating me like this for months, ignoring MY needs and MY feelings.

Your needs and your feelings? Did you forget that you brought this on yourself, on the both of you? Allow me to enlighten, and I don't mean this as personal criticism, but rather, a cold-eyed analysis of what is really going on here:

 

But I love her so damn much, she was always my dream girl, my girl next door. I always thought we were going to be together forever.

I don't know you, but I can remember two times that wasn't true. The first, when you moved out and banged that girl while you were drunk, and the next time, when you decided to tell your wife.

 

I get the whole guilt thing, the "we can't live a lie" mentality, and the "you don't know what you loved until you've lost it" thing, but I think you're overly romanticizing what you actually feel for her. Your statements and your actions are irreconcilable.

 

There was no reason to tell her anything, and I'm shocked that so many people decide to make their own lives and their spouse's lives miserable by the unnecessary disclosure of that information. If you're feeling guilty, and you wish to relieve said guilt, then don't make your spouse do your penance with you even though they're not guilty. Do your own penance by making their lives richer and better, not miserable. Look what you've done to her, yes, partly by your actions, but mostly by what you told her. Look at what other WS have done to their BS. Examples abound in this forum. Instead of letting the BS walk away unscathed by the wrong, they mortally wound them with "confession".

 

Many posters will tell you that I'm wrong, that the aggrieved spouse must know, so that they can make a decision about the marriage with full knowledge. But think about that - you broke the marriage vows, and now, you're essentially daring your BS to end the marriage while making it harder by begging them not to do it. You committed the crime, and you're offloading the responsibility and punishment for the consequence of your crime onto the victim.

Honey, I stole something from you, and you'll never get it back, and now, by telling you, I've taken something even more valuable away from you and you'll never get that back either! Forgive me?

Cruelty in the extreme, if you ask me.

 

Anyway, something drove you OUT OF YOUR HOME and INTO ANOTHER WOMAN. It's terribly important that you remember what it was and decide whether you can live with it, because if you don't, all you're going to do is go through all this trouble, and if you're successful and patch your marriage up, you're likely to find it again.

 

Secondly, your unaffectionate spouse was out getting affection elsewhere, likely in response to what you had done. It certainly doesn't sound like she had cultivated a relationship independently while you were fighting, leaving then cheating, and was encouraged by your disclosure, taking your infidelity as a hall pass to consummate her affair. Does it?

 

At a minimum, this suggests that she's not quite as cold as you make her out to be. She sought comfort and affection as a way to deal with your betrayal. So many people, especially those who have married young, have no idea who they are deep down inside. Rather than divorce you on the spot, she found another man. Why? Probably because she didn't want to be the one who has to make the decision to end your marriage because of what you did, and she thought maybe somebody could make her just feel better. It's a lapse in clear thinking, and if you think about it, that's one more way that you made her pay for what you did.

 

It's really unfair of you to put all this on her. I don't think that you should get the luxury of blaming her for her infidelity when you caused it. I don't think you get to focus on your needs and your feelings until you've restored hers. Then you can deal with whatever it is that sent you astray. Maybe you're not up for that. If not, then YOU need to pull the trigger on ending your marriage, and absolve her of that responsibility.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

[Southern Sun]

I understand that you stated much earlier she has always had some mental health issues... and with all that has happened it appears that things have escalated.

 

To be honest I would tell her we are going to the dr and if you won't go for your son then your son and I are leaving.

 

Can I ask you this... if you have felt this badly about each other for so long...

 

What are you trying to save?

 

Reconciliation is difficult in the best of circumstances...

 

But you are trying to rebuild a relationship that was broken long before infidelity occurred. And I truly don't think it will be successful. You both resent each other.. she has checked out of the marriage and being a loving wife and mom.

She is self absorbed in her own sorrow and could care less about anyone else's.

 

You love the woman you married... but she has not been that woman for a very long time.

 

I told you... your life is forever changed...and maybe change is exactly what the two of you needed... because it sounds like a horrible relationship.

 

Go to individual therapy and work on you. Maybe you will find happiness again but it may not be with her.

 

I think marriage therapy right now is accomplishing nothing.

 

This ^^^is true 100%.

 

I will say that I was very depressed for quite a while after my affair. However it changed my world, completely. Not only was my marriage destroyed, but I lost my job, my career, and lived an entirely different life. I felt that I lost my identity, in fact. I truly sunk into a deep depression.

 

It has taken nearly a full year after the end of my affair (probably about 10 months) for me to really begin to feel normal again.

 

Your wife's lifestyle hasn't really changed; but her affair only ended a month and a half ago...maybe less. You said it started in March and lasted 5 weeks. She literally JUST got out of an affair. I would say her depression is very normal.

 

One big difference though is her day-to-day conduct, that has been a problem for you for many years. Unless she has a giant wake-up call, or you just decide to live with it, this is a problem that will NOT go away. This really is one of those issues that married couples either accept about one another or end up breaking the marriage...because of built-up resentment. Honestly, if it's the man acting that way usually the woman will fall out of love over time.

 

If she feels like she "has" to initiate sex with you I would bet it's because you are not initiating with her. She probably feels that if she doesn't do it you would never have sex. Whether that's true, I don't know. But lots of women feel this pressure. That their men are somehow just not coming on to them, have become lazy or scared or something, or maybe aren't attracted to them, yet they know their men still want sex. So they feel pressured to initiate. That also becomes unattractive for women, by the way. We want to feel wanted.

 

The other thing that can happen is that husbands get turned down a few times and then get anxious. So they stop initiating. The wives are aware of this on some level, but they don't want to feel like they have to say yes every single time to appease their insecure husbands. So it's a catch-22. Eventually the wife feels she has to initiate in order to "meet the quota" so her husband doesn't have to deal with the insecurity of putting himself out there. And he's stopped doing it anyway. Again, this is unattractive. We women would LOVE if our husbands can handle a "no" now and again without it hurting the ego...and then come back to us the next night, no harm done.

 

Sorry if that's not the issue...just some thoughts.

 

Anyway, I kind of agree with Mrs. JA, in that it seems you could be holding onto a relationship that is flailing. I only hesitate to say go ahead and make some hard decisions because of how soon it is after her affair. But the old issues in your M make me wonder if it's worth saving. It may be time to draw a hard line in the sand. I know you WANT to save it. But you may be holding on to an idea of what you wish your marriage was, and not what it actually is.

[saddad44]

This ^^^is true 100%.

 

I will say that I was very depressed for quite a while after my affair. However it changed my world, completely. Not only was my marriage destroyed, but I lost my job, my career, and lived an entirely different life. I felt that I lost my identity, in fact. I truly sunk into a deep depression.

 

It has taken nearly a full year after the end of my affair (probably about 10 months) for me to really begin to feel normal again.

 

Your wife's lifestyle hasn't really changed; but her affair only ended a month and a half ago...maybe less. You said it started in March and lasted 5 weeks. She literally JUST got out of an affair. I would say her depression is very normal.

 

One big difference though is her day-to-day conduct, that has been a problem for you for many years. Unless she has a giant wake-up call, or you just decide to live with it, this is a problem that will NOT go away. This really is one of those issues that married couples either accept about one another or end up breaking the marriage...because of built-up resentment. Honestly, if it's the man acting that way usually the woman will fall out of love over time.

 

If she feels like she "has" to initiate sex with you I would bet it's because you are not initiating with her. She probably feels that if she doesn't do it you would never have sex. Whether that's true, I don't know. But lots of women feel this pressure. That their men are somehow just not coming on to them, have become lazy or scared or something, or maybe aren't attracted to them, yet they know their men still want sex. So they feel pressured to initiate. That also becomes unattractive for women, by the way. We want to feel wanted.

 

The other thing that can happen is that husbands get turned down a few times and then get anxious. So they stop initiating. The wives are aware of this on some level, but they don't want to feel like they have to say yes every single time to appease their insecure husbands. So it's a catch-22. Eventually the wife feels she has to initiate in order to "meet the quota" so her husband doesn't have to deal with the insecurity of putting himself out there. And he's stopped doing it anyway. Again, this is unattractive. We women would LOVE if our husbands can handle a "no" now and again without it hurting the ego...and then come back to us the next night, no harm done.

 

Sorry if that's not the issue...just some thoughts.

 

Anyway, I kind of agree with Mrs. JA, in that it seems you could be holding onto a relationship that is flailing. I only hesitate to say go ahead and make some hard decisions because of how soon it is after her affair. But the old issues in your M make me wonder if it's worth saving. It may be time to draw a hard line in the sand. I know you WANT to save it. But you may be holding on to an idea of what you wish your marriage was, and not what it actually is.

 

You're pretty spot on about the sex part. Early on in our relationship, after the 'honeymoon' phase, she would turn me down often. It got to where I was sick and anxious so I just kind of stopped - my mistake. I held on to resentment about that for far too long and it caused issues in our sex life, among other issues within our sex life (her being vanilla, me wanting to have a lot of sex, and try stuff).

 

I don't know, you might be right about me holding onto something. But I have to say, 90% of our marriage was great. We had our problems. But it was that 10% that ate us both up, because we never fixed the problem. If we could get ourselves back into a spot like we used to be while being better people/fixing those issues now that they are out in the open and we understand them I think we could be great again.

 

The problem is, I don't know if she or myself is capable of that. I doubt myself each and every day about it. Wonder if I would be happier alone/with someone else/doing something else? It crosses my mind.

 

It's gotten to the point where I have a lawyer picked out, I have all the paperwork filed out and ready to go, I just have to send it and pay the fees. I am just not ready to throw in the towel, I feel like our love can triumph. Maybe I am just a stupid romantic.

[saddad44]

I wrote this in response to what I read a couple pages ago. What I've read since has not changed my mind a bit. saddad44, please consider the following. It's close to what some posters have said already. Maybe if I say it my way, it will resonate stronger.

 

Your needs and your feelings? Did you forget that you brought this on yourself, on the both of you? Allow me to enlighten, and I don't mean this as personal criticism, but rather, a cold-eyed analysis of what is really going on here:

 

I don't know you, but I can remember two times that wasn't true. The first, when you moved out and banged that girl while you were drunk, and the next time, when you decided to tell your wife.

 

I get the whole guilt thing, the "we can't live a lie" mentality, and the "you don't know what you loved until you've lost it" thing, but I think you're overly romanticizing what you actually feel for her. Your statements and your actions are irreconcilable.

 

There was no reason to tell her anything, and I'm shocked that so many people decide to make their own lives and their spouse's lives miserable by the unnecessary disclosure of that information. If you're feeling guilty, and you wish to relieve said guilt, then don't make your spouse do your penance with you even though they're not guilty. Do your own penance by making their lives richer and better, not miserable. Look what you've done to her, yes, partly by your actions, but mostly by what you told her. Look at what other WS have done to their BS. Examples abound in this forum. Instead of letting the BS walk away unscathed by the wrong, they mortally wound them with "confession".

 

Many posters will tell you that I'm wrong, that the aggrieved spouse must know, so that they can make a decision about the marriage with full knowledge. But think about that - you broke the marriage vows, and now, you're essentially daring your BS to end the marriage while making it harder by begging them not to do it. You committed the crime, and you're offloading the responsibility and punishment for the consequence of your crime onto the victim. Cruelty in the extreme, if you ask me.

 

Anyway, something drove you OUT OF YOUR HOME and INTO ANOTHER WOMAN. It's terribly important that you remember what it was and decide whether you can live with it, because if you don't, all you're going to do is go through all this trouble, and if you're successful and patch your marriage up, you're likely to find it again.

 

Secondly, your unaffectionate spouse was out getting affection elsewhere, likely in response to what you had done. It certainly doesn't sound like she had cultivated a relationship independently while you were fighting, leaving then cheating, and was encouraged by your disclosure, taking your infidelity as a hall pass to consummate her affair. Does it?

 

At a minimum, this suggests that she's not quite as cold as you make her out to be. She sought comfort and affection as a way to deal with your betrayal. So many people, especially those who have married young, have no idea who they are deep down inside. Rather than divorce you on the spot, she found another man. Why? Probably because she didn't want to be the one who has to make the decision to end your marriage because of what you did, and she thought maybe somebody could make her just feel better. It's a lapse in clear thinking, and if you think about it, that's one more way that you made her pay for what you did.

 

It's really unfair of you to put all this on her. I don't think that you should get the luxury of blaming her for her infidelity when you caused it. I don't think you get to focus on your needs and your feelings until you've restored hers. Then you can deal with whatever it is that sent you astray. Maybe you're not up for that. If not, then YOU need to pull the trigger on ending your marriage, and absolve her of that responsibility.

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

 

I don't think it's the 'idea' of me loving her. I do love her. I would do anything for her. I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. Maybe not this new her. That's my true fear. I know this kind of stuff changes her, and I don't know if I will like who it will change her into. If it's the person she currently is, then no.

 

I don't 'put this all on her' - however, I don't think it's all on me either. While yes, I had an affair. I did not force her to go to a dudes house, get drunk and have sex with him multiple times over the course of 5 weeks. No. I didn't make her do that. She needs to own her mistakes, too.

 

The way I wrote that was not really indicative of the real way the relationship was. I was affectionate - just not as much as her. Her big thing was I didn't say " i love you " without her saying it first enough. Not physical or anything, just the literal words.

 

I don't think she found another man, she ran into one of my old friends and got drunk then kept it going. I suspect it was just the feeling or trying to feel some kind of happiness through a horrible time. Run away from your problems sort of deal. While I can understand and sympathize with it, I won't just excuse it.

 

I didn't leave my house with the intention of cheating. My old friend had a room available and let me stay there, after 2 weeks there, I had too much to drink and cheated, it happened a few times that same weekend. I went home the following Monday to confess. I left because I was fed up with a lot of different things and pulling all of the weight around the house, from working to house work. After 10 years that gets irritating. Especially when a child is involved and is growing up thinking it's okay to live that way.

 

That is something I will have to learn to accept, or she will have to get a job/career. I have also expressed my intention on being more active in helping her around the house. I would help before, but I could have done better.

[Mr Blunt]

In my last post to you I said:

 

“The current state that you are in and your wife is in makes it impossible for you two to heal your betrayals. For now you can only work on yourself”

 

However, Mrs., JA brought up the issue of suicide and advised you to address her mental issue right now. If your wife is suicidal and you can help her with that then I concur with Mrs. JA.

 

You responded to Mrs. JA by saying “ that I don't think she is as depressed as you are thinking” If suicide is not an issue then I still feel that you should only work on yourself because you both are resentful and full of anger and are very hurt and weak. There is no chance of healing this marriage unless you BOTH address the resentment and anger towards each other FIRST!

 

Mrs. JA asked you about getting help with your clergy at church and you responded with” We aren't religious.” In order to deal with resentments, anger, revenge, hatred, etc. you must have your spirit changed. In fact, if you divorce or reconcile you will need to have your spirit healed IMO. I am a BS and have over 20 years of R and the healing of my spirit was HUGE in my healing!

[mightycpa]

I don't think it's the 'idea' of me loving her. I do love her. I would do anything for her. I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. Maybe not this new her. That's my true fear. I know this kind of stuff changes her, and I don't know if I will like who it will change her into. If it's the person she currently is, then no.

 

I don't 'put this all on her' - however, I don't think it's all on me either. While yes, I had an affair. I did not force her to go to a dudes house, get drunk and have sex with him multiple times over the course of 5 weeks. No. I didn't make her do that. She needs to own her mistakes, too.

I think part of what I was saying is that maybe you should consider that you did force her into it. Would she have done it if you hadn't? What else might you have done so that she would do that? Do you think she was thinking normally or was she maybe a little bit out of control of herself? Why?

The way I wrote that was not really indicative of the real way the relationship was. I was affectionate - just not as much as her. Her big thing was I didn't say " i love you " without her saying it first enough. Not physical or anything, just the literal words.

I've heard that before, I don't doubt you, but please know that all we can react to is what we read, or read between the lines.

 

I don't think she found another man, she ran into one of my old friends and got drunk then kept it going. I suspect it was just the feeling or trying to feel some kind of happiness through a horrible time. Run away from your problems sort of deal. While I can understand and sympathize with it, I won't just excuse it.

Well, consider that she found another man alright, and I don't mean she found another man to replace you. She just happened to choose one that would do a little more damage than a complete stranger might. Frankly, I think she wanted to harm you emotionally, and between divorcing you and getting drunk enough to bang your old buddy, she chose the one that she thought might hurt you the worst and her the least in the immediate future. I don't think she was thinking long term. So I think she made herself get drunk so that she'd have just enough bad judgment to go through with it. This all goes back to my point of she's getting punished from your disclosure. Don't think for a second she was as eager as you were to do it to begin with. I'll bet she's a little disgusted with herself, but has no intention yet of ever letting you know that. She wants it to hurt you. Apparently, she has succeeded. She might want a divorce too, but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. She might want to force you to do it, because in her mind, it is all your fault. It all goes back to that "punish the BS" thing. She resented being punished for what you did, so she decided if she'd going to bear the punishment, she might as well be guilty of something horrible. Kind of like, I'll see your adultery, and raise you one! You may want to ask her about that. It might get her to open up a little.

 

I didn't leave my house with the intention of cheating. My old friend had a room available and let me stay there, after 2 weeks there, I had too much to drink and cheated, it happened a few times that same weekend.

Yeah, that sh*t happens to me all the time!

I went home the following Monday to confess.

Big mistake... right?

I left because I was fed up with a lot of different things and pulling all of the weight around the house, from working to house work. After 10 years that gets irritating. Especially when a child is involved and is growing up thinking it's okay to live that way.

I've been there. You come home, and you are aghast at the lifestyle you see, and it is so egregious in your mind, you're afraid to say anything, because you just know that the way you're going to describe it it going to impugn her character. Because that's what you see, the bad part of her character, and the longer it goes on, the angrier you get about it. It's like she didn't love your home, and by extension, it felt like she didn't love your family. She wasn't taking care of it, nurturing it, treating it like she loved it. It probably felt like she was taking a sh*t every day on your home and not even bothering to flush. Amirite? You gotta learn how to talk about that stuff. That's the main reason that marriage is difficult.

That is something I will have to learn to accept, or she will have to get a job/career. I have also expressed my intention on being more active in helping her around the house. I would help before, but I could have done better.

No, don't accept that. You're right. That's why kids who grow up in old wealth are generally so together. Not only do they have nice, orderly places to live, they have parents and professional staff that instruct them to be disciplined and to pay attention to their better natures. You couldn't have that, but you expected your stay-at-home wife to at least be a good example of diligence and love at home, keep it clean and tidy and to teach the child how to show that he loves his home too. Either that, or get a job, and let's get somebody who can do that. It's not an unreasonable expectation, and it's hard to help around the house when the standard of care is very different. Edited May 11, 2017 by mightycpa

[saddad44]

I think part of what I was saying is that maybe you should consider that you did force her into it. Would she have done it if you hadn't? What else might you have done so that she would do that? Do you think she was thinking normally or was she maybe a little bit out of control of herself? Why?I've heard that before, I don't doubt you, but please know that all we can react to is what we read, or read between the lines.Well, consider that she found another man alright, and I don't mean she found another man to replace you. She just happened to choose one that would do a little more damage than a complete stranger might. Frankly, I think she wanted to harm you emotionally, and between divorcing you and getting drunk enough to bang your old buddy, she chose the one that she thought might hurt you the worst and her the least in the immediate future. I don't think she was thinking long term. So I think she made herself get drunk so that she'd have just enough bad judgment to go through with it. This all goes back to my point of she's getting punished from your disclosure. Don't think for a second she was as eager as you were to do it to begin with. I'll bet she's a little disgusted with herself, but has no intention yet of ever letting you know that. She wants it to hurt you. Apparently, she has succeeded. She might want a divorce too, but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. She might want to force you to do it, because in her mind, it is all your fault. It all goes back to that "punish the BS" thing. She resented being punished for what you did, so she decided if she'd going to bear the punishment, she might as well be guilty of something horrible. Kind of like, I'll see your adultery, and raise you one! You may want to ask her about that. It might get her to open up a little. Yeah, that sh*t happens to me all the time! :pBig mistake... right? I've been there. You come home, and you are aghast at the lifestyle you see, and it is so egregious in your mind, you're afraid to say anything, because you just know that the way you're going to describe it it going to impugn her character. Because that's what you see, the bad part of her character, and the longer it goes on, the angrier you get about it. It's like she didn't love your home, and by extension, it felt like she didn't love your family. She wasn't taking care of it, nurturing it, treating it like she loved it. It probably felt like she was taking a sh*t every day on your home and not even bothering to flush. Amirite? You gotta learn how to talk about that stuff. That's the main reason that marriage is difficult. No, don't accept that. You're right. That's why kids who grow up in old wealth are generally so together. Not only do they have nice, orderly places to live, they have parents and professional staff that instruct them to be disciplined and to pay attention to their better natures. You couldn't have that, but you expected your stay-at-home wife to at least be a good example of diligence and love at home, keep it clean and tidy and to teach the child how to show that he loves his home too. Either that, or get a job, and let's get somebody who can do that. It's not an unreasonable expectation, and it's hard to help around the house when the standard of care is very different.

 

I don't think she would have went and had sex with my friend if I didn't cheat, no. However, she has been caught making out with a dude at a party, lying on multiple occasions about talking to dudes/exes, etc. So she isn't squeaky clean. I always forgave and forgot. Now, I'm thinking how would I know if she didn't? I travel a lot for work, I'm an executive at a mid size company. So I am gone for lengthy periods. It would be so easy for her.

 

She lied to her friends and told them it was a ONS and nothing else. When in reality it was a 5 week ordeal with sexts, dialogues, pictures, etc. How do I trust after that?

 

It was a big mistake. I regret it everyday.

 

One of the few times we have had a fruitful discussion about the future, we have talked about getting her into school for a certification program so she could have a career.

 

I did sort of equate her lack of taking care of our family as a 'she didn't care enough' to put in the effort. Watching TV, smoking pot, playing video games, etc. was much more important than cooking or cleaning or doing any of the house work she signed up to do. Not trying to be sexist, but she wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now she regrets 'wasting' 10 years of her life doing it - her words, and blames me for it.

 

I absolutely believe she was punishing me. At one point she told me it was an 'exit marriage' affair. But she was just crazy at the time. It's like a roller coaster ride. Except not the fun kind.

[saddad44]

And yes, I do regret telling her.

 

I wish I had kept it to myself, dealt with my guilt, got into IC. Read some self help books. Learned to communicate to fix my issues and my issues with her instead.

 

That isn't the honest route, but it did more harm than good.

 

Problem is, I have a really hard time lying. It eats at me. But I do wish I could change it. I'd go back and not tell her. I guess at that point, I'd go back and not do it to begin with.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There are plenty of waywards...who have kept their secrets. Some have even cheated more than once....and they will be the ones who advise you to not tell. It worked for them....but what does it say about who they are? It has been pointed out that you have to evaluate WHY you don't want to tell...to save them the pain or to save you the bother?

 

I told knowing that my husband would most likely divorce me. But i felt he had the right to know what i had done.....not everyone agrees with this point of view....and very few people have been married 45 years.

 

Regardless...that ship has sailed for you...you already confessed...and I want to point out that...your marriage was in big trouble before your affair....before you told her about your affair...and since your affair.

 

So specualting it would have been better had you not told..is a moot point.

 

The more you post...the more you add to your story...the more obvious it becomes to us where you are coming from and why ...

 

I dont beleive you have a relationship to save....but its your call. I think this relationship was very broken and is even more broken now.

 

Keep working on yourself for your next relationship...becasue this one is probably not a good one for reconciliation.

Edited May 11, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[sidney2718]

You are most certainly wrong. I am very remorseful and carry a lot of guilt. However, she had her role to play as well. She has could shouldered me for months and that's not fair after what she did.

 

What gives you, a confessed cheater, the right to decide what is fair and what is not fair. That's what I meant about immaturity.

 

I gave her time and space. She doesn't take the counseling seriously and makes fun of it. She sits on the couch all day and smokes. And I'm the bad guy? Yes, I started it. I moved out before anything happened. I was done (in my head), got drunk and had an awful weekend. Immediately went home with guilt and rage at myself and confessed everything.

 

And here you are deciding what is right for her and what is not right for her. Have you shown real remorse for what you did? Have you tried to comfort her and take the blame for cheating on her.

 

I am not trying to claim moral superiority or any of the such. I am simply stating my desire to go back to normal, I have not demanded this from my wife. I have been quite caring and compassionate with her during this and supportive.

 

What I am trying to do is show you that it doesn't work that way. Things don't go back to "normal" because you want them to. In this case they will NEVER go back to normal because affairs can't be undone.

 

I am doing my best but it feels like I am drowning and don't know what to do. I understand it takes a while to heal. I get it. I need to heal (both my guilt and my feelings of betrayal) as well. I don't buy just because I did it first it's all my fault and I have to cater to her feelings only.

 

She has a job to do if she wants to save the marriage. She may not want to, but it is more likely that she is very confused by your actions and is also deeply hurt by them. I'm not condoning what she did. I'm just trying to inject a little reality into the situation.

 

We have both been brought hell and it seems like I am the only one fighting to hold it together for our family and each other. Simply seeking advise on how to handle the situation, if it can even be resolved - ever.

 

I am starting to lose faith and doubt everything.

 

You may well be right. You are both living in Hell. But before you heap blame on her remember who opened the Gates of Hell.

[Southern Sun]

I don't think it's the 'idea' of me loving her. I do love her. I would do anything for her. I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. Maybe not this new her. That's my true fear. I know this kind of stuff changes her, and I don't know if I will like who it will change her into. If it's the person she currently is, then no.

 

 

That is something I will have to learn to accept, or she will have to get a job/career. I have also expressed my intention on being more active in helping her around the house. I would help before, but I could have done better.

 

You have no idea who she will be after she gets over the trauma of BOTH of your infidelities. But it will likely NOT be the person you see right now.

 

Is the "new her" someone she became after your affair? Or after hers?

 

If it was after hers, this JUST HAPPENED. Like, seriously. You guys are basically still in triage. Even if you are counting on your timeline, it is still so early in the process. Which she essentially re-set by having her own affair.

 

You are subscribing to some serious all-or-nothing thinking right now. You need to stop and realize that you trying to make sense out of madness and you both probably have some level of PTSD.

 

Now if you tell me you have WIFE who SMOKES POT and PLAYS VIDEO GAMES all day, and yet you are a high-level company executive...something is wrong with this picture. It sounds very mismatched. I can't tell your ages, but after being together for 10 years and having a son, you are at least in your mid-30s. If this is truly her behavior, she's got issues. Frankly, I wonder why you would put up with it.

 

You mentioned her getting a job or going to school so she can get certified for a job. I think that's a great idea. She doesn't sound cut out to be a SAHM. Still, I don't know if you guys should be together.

 

The sheer fact that you've already filled out divorce papers, per one of your previous posts, tells me you're already mentally down the path. Even at the height of our misery during my on and off affair (that was MUCH longer, BTW), my husband did not even consult a divorce attorney.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Saddad...

 

You do know if you want to divorce your wife...you do not have to justify it to anyone...right?

 

This is about how the two of you feel about each other....and you are only responsible to each other.

 

You owe no one any explanations...if you are doing what is right for you....then go for it

[aliveagain]

The biggest mistake I see a lot of wayward's make is their belief that they still have the same value to their betrayed spouse as before their exposure, specially if their affair is discovered rather then confessed. It is hard to use logic on someone who is still lost in their fantasy, they have to have a shot of reality because you can't win against a fantasy.

[Maddieandtae]

Saddad you need to go through the pain before you come out the other side to your new "normal".

 

I can't offer any advice on reconciliation as my ex-h and I did not choose to do so. I can offer my thoughts on the pain you are experiencing and maybe what your wife is experiencing.

 

Your wife is in self destruct mode and she's going to hit rock bottom before you can even begin to claw back up. The self medicating is a HUGE issue. You are going to need to draw your lines here.

 

You have a young child together and she can't fall apart like this while she is staying home with him. Sure she's in pain, she is still a Mother though and I can only imagine the confusion your son is also feeling.

 

Maybe she needs to stay with her parents for some family tough love because if she can't pull it together for her kid she will loose him from her disinterest in his life and hers.

 

She is most likely going to re-write her life with you to being all negative and I don't think you will be able to convince her otherwise. It's crappy I know but sometimes people don't know what they had until its gone and that will most likely will be the time when she will need to pick herself up on her own and start figuring out her own.

[jonathanhayashi]

Saddad44,

 

I’m sorry to hear about what’s being going on with you and your family. Just so you know, you are not alone in this! Many of us have gone through similar experience or currently going through something similar.

 

Have you thought about maybe perhaps going the route of marriage counseling? I say that as a therapist, or psychiatrist could be a different field than a marriage counselor. I think space is good but space and time at times is like putting a bandage over a huge scar and can just make it worst as it hasn’t been properly treated. A marriage counselor will give you tools that will help you more in communication and relational building.

 

One book that comes to my mind is Gary Chapman on, “5 Love Language” I lead this for a couple’s bible study few years ago and was amazing how couples married 15 years ago tremendously learned and grown from that book!

 

I hope this is helpful. Praying for you!

[understand50]

I think it is past that. Saddad44, needs first to decide if he is going to stick or go. If he stays he will have a lot of hard work to try and get things better, and there is no guarantee that it will. I think he should stay, as 5 months is really not much time to let things settle from both their cheating. That is just me. In any case he has dug himself a huge whole, and not with this one thing, it looks like the marriage on on auto for a long time.

 

My two cents....

[wmacbride]

op,

you didn't make your wife cheat, and I don't know why some are insisting you did. She cheated because she wanted to. Just like you did.

 

She is no different than you in that respect.

 

Given her current behavior and lack of ability to care for your children, I would make sure she gets mental health care. If you two stand any real chance of reconciling, she really needs to do this, and not just for you or her, but for your kids.

[saddad44]

op,

you didn't make your wife cheat, and I don't know why some are insisting you did. She cheated because she wanted to. Just like you did.

 

She is no different than you in that respect.

 

Given her current behavior and lack of ability to care for your children, I would make sure she gets mental health care. If you two stand any real chance of reconciling, she really needs to do this, and not just for you or her, but for your kids.

 

I agree with you 100% on everything you wrote.

 

Thank you.

[saddad44]

I have already read the 5 Love Language book - about a month ago. I am trying to convince my wife to read it currently.

 

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

[saddad44]

Saddad you need to go through the pain before you come out the other side to your new "normal".

 

I can't offer any advice on reconciliation as my ex-h and I did not choose to do so. I can offer my thoughts on the pain you are experiencing and maybe what your wife is experiencing.

 

Your wife is in self destruct mode and she's going to hit rock bottom before you can even begin to claw back up. The self medicating is a HUGE issue. You are going to need to draw your lines here.

 

You have a young child together and she can't fall apart like this while she is staying home with him. Sure she's in pain, she is still a Mother though and I can only imagine the confusion your son is also feeling.

 

Maybe she needs to stay with her parents for some family tough love because if she can't pull it together for her kid she will loose him from her disinterest in his life and hers.

 

She is most likely going to re-write her life with you to being all negative and I don't think you will be able to convince her otherwise. It's crappy I know but sometimes people don't know what they had until its gone and that will most likely will be the time when she will need to pick herself up on her own and start figuring out her own.

 

 

She is 100% absolutely doing this. She is turning out entire 10 years into like it was a big pile of ****. Which isn't true. Last night she said I was an '*******' for the entire 10 years, again not true. She is rewriting history in her head and I can't get her to see this.

 

The first 6-7 years were great. We started having issues pile up around year 8 and never really resolved them until it all exploded.

 

I don't know how to get her to understand that her anger, depression and guilt are causing her to gas light herself.

[saddad44]

UPDATE:

 

I figured it would be worth an update. We had a fight last night that lasted some time. I basically took the 'no more Mr. nice guy approach'. We argued and fought for at least an hour and a half, until she calmed down.

 

I basically told her I understand she was in enormous pain, as was I for what she did. I told her it wasn't a competition on who was feeling more pain, but I said my guess was her. I told her she was gas lighting herself on our marriage and hyper-focusing on a few incidents and applying them to the entire marriage. I told her that I couldn't deal with her like this for very long. I told her I didn't need her to be healed, but I needed her to show some progress or we just needed to call it quits and try to be amicable and find a way to co-parent successfully together. I said I was going to better myself, fix my flaws and issues, with or without her.

 

We ended the night in bed and she actually snuggled up to me and rubbed my head as we fell asleep watching TV. I will count that as a win?

 

Maybe it was insensitive of me to go the anger route, but I was being 100% honest. I can't take the way she is acting, I do not accept it and I do not accept full responsibility for everything that has taken place. I will put it in a metaphor: if your dad hangs himself, and a week later your mom hangs herself, your dad is not responsible for your mother hanging herself, even though it was a cause-effect situation. We all make our choices, and I will never buy that her cheating is my fault.

 

I think we made progress last night, we both cried, we both hugged and comforted each other. I know we have a long way to go, and I am not the 'mean' type it was very difficult for me. I am the nice guy that is always a door mat (I'm reading 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' right now.).

 

Hoping the progress stays. I really appreciate each of your valuable input and continued input (or critisism )

[understand50]

UPDATE:

 

I figured it would be worth an update. We had a fight last night that lasted some time. I basically took the 'no more Mr. nice guy approach'. We argued and fought for at least an hour and a half, until she calmed down.

 

I basically told her I understand she was in enormous pain, as was I for what she did. I told her it wasn't a competition on who was feeling more pain, but I said my guess was her. I told her she was gas lighting herself on our marriage and hyper-focusing on a few incidents and applying them to the entire marriage. I told her that I couldn't deal with her like this for very long. I told her I didn't need her to be healed, but I needed her to show some progress or we just needed to call it quits and try to be amicable and find a way to co-parent successfully together. I said I was going to better myself, fix my flaws and issues, with or without her.

 

We ended the night in bed and she actually snuggled up to me and rubbed my head as we fell asleep watching TV. I will count that as a win?

 

Maybe it was insensitive of me to go the anger route, but I was being 100% honest. I can't take the way she is acting, I do not accept it and I do not accept full responsibility for everything that has taken place. I will put it in a metaphor: if your dad hangs himself, and a week later your mom hangs herself, your dad is not responsible for your mother hanging herself, even though it was a cause-effect situation. We all make our choices, and I will never buy that her cheating is my fault.

 

I think we made progress last night, we both cried, we both hugged and comforted each other. I know we have a long way to go, and I am not the 'mean' type it was very difficult for me. I am the nice guy that is always a door mat (I'm reading 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' right now.).

 

Hoping the progress stays. I really appreciate each of your valuable input and continued input (or critisism )

 

Good for you, Baby steps.

 

Luck.

[saddad44]

So as another update - we had a great Friday and first half of Saturday.

 

Then it's like she flipped a switch and has gone back to the old ways, apathetic, ignoring me, etc. etc.

 

Hopefully this doesn't mean we're back to square one. We have therapy today, she complained all morning how she didn't want to go and tried to get me to cancel it, I refused and said I would go without her if she didn't want to go.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So as another update - we had a great Friday and first half of Saturday.

 

Then it's like she flipped a switch and has gone back to the old ways, apathetic, ignoring me, etc. etc.

 

Hopefully this doesn't mean we're back to square one. We have therapy today, she complained all morning how she didn't want to go and tried to get me to cancel it, I refused and said I would go without her if she didn't want to go.

 

Did you ask her why she doesn't want to go? Her answer may be revealing. Is she tired...is she sad....is she angry? Ask her how she feels....and then tell her why you feel it is important to go. Share with her your feelings?

[saddad44]

Did you ask her why she doesn't want to go? Her answer may be revealing. Is she tired...is she sad....is she angry? Ask her how she feels....and then tell her why you feel it is important to go. Share with her your feelings?

 

She said she was just exhausted and just didn't feel like it today. I think it was because she had other priorities.

 

She did show up 15 minutes late, but showed up nonetheless.