One Sided Reconciliation?

[Vincentstreet]

There is nothing more attractive to woman than decisive but fair action. You have already shown her you are weak!

Why should she take you seriously? Are you a man of principle? again uncompromising but fair is what you should be! Take back your pants.. (put it on I mean) and make some decision. You are all over the place. sure sign if weakness to her. completely un-sexy and unattractive. Win her back with your manliness.. she is sure to feel safe and secure with you again and not pity you. That should be advice for most men here!

If she wants her walking papers (or her actions indicate ...) give it to her. Most cheaters see the light after the thrill is worn off and come running back... by which time you will have started to heal and wont want her back... or if you do you can dictate your terms.

You will also be an example for your kids if you stick to your principles. Staying in a marriage and watching your back is a sure way to bring up insecure kids. They will respect you for being this man one day.

Just my 2 cents... take it.. leave it ...

[saddad44]

I figured I'd come back and give a quick update, since you all spent so much time and effort on replying and trying to help me.

 

The past 6 weeks has been rough. There hasn't been much progress.

 

We have now gotten to the point of having small affections here and there and talking a little (not about the relationship, as she still refuses). She has not come to our last 2 marriage counseling sessions.

 

She did go out with some mutual girlfriends, and they both had called me the day after and told me a lot. They told me she wanted to make it work and blah blah blah. But I just don't see any actions towards that, but I do hear a lot of talk.

 

I am getting to the point of where I am not caring much anymore, which is not a good sign. Still lost as to what to do, how to handle it.

 

I have been trying really hard to stick to the 180 plan, and I think that has been effective in at least my own sanity - though I still am quite depressed and sad every day. But if therapy has taught me nothing else, it's that I can only control me and my actions/feelings.

 

I am still quite scared for the future, whether that be reconciliation or divorce. Reconciliation scares me because I am not sure if I can ever be happy and/or get over all of this. Divorce scares me because I don't want to give up time with my child and I also am not sure I'm comfortable leaving him alone for days alone with her. She isn't a bad mom, she is just irresponsible.

 

I really feel like I am in a lose/lose situation here.

 

Thanks all and hope you're all well!

[PegNosePete]

She is telling you loud and clear, with her actions, that she doesn't give 2 hoots about the marriage, and has no interest in fixing it.

 

I am getting to the point of where I am not caring much anymore, which is not a good sign.

No, that is a good sign. It means you're finally waking up.

 

Still lost as to what to do, how to handle it.

Read back over the advice you've been given in this thread. There's not much point repeating it. She has shown that she has no respect for you and no interest in fixing your marriage. At this point divorce is the only sensible option.

 

She isn't a bad mom, she is just irresponsible.

This is a complete contradiction. How can she be a good mum if she is irresponsible? You should see a lawyer and ask about getting full custody. You should always do what is in the child's best interests. Being looked after by an irresponsible parent is not good.

Edited June 15, 2017 by PegNosePete

[BluesPower]

Brother, you know what to do...

 

You have been told and told. File for divorce and move on with your life.

 

This woman never wanted to work on the marriage. She wants your paycheck and that is it.

 

Get a divorce already. Learn to be a man. Then find a woman that loves you with all her heart.

 

And while we are on the subject, I want you to understand that I know that divorce can be scary. It is scary.

 

But imagine what it would be like to have a sweet woman who loves you at your side. A woman to build you up and not put you down. A woman that will stand by you in good times and bad. A woman that actually wants to have sex with you.

 

Because since you have been married to this woman, you sure have not had that.

 

So file already and move on, please...

[saddad44]

She is telling you loud and clear, with her actions, that she doesn't give 2 hoots about the marriage, and has no interest in fixing it.

 

 

No, that is a good sign. It means you're finally waking up.

 

 

Read back over the advice you've been given in this thread. There's not much point repeating it. She has shown that she has no respect for you and no interest in fixing your marriage. At this point divorce is the only sensible option.

 

 

This is a complete contradiction. How can she be a good mum if she is irresponsible? You should see a lawyer and ask about getting full custody. You should always do what is in the child's best interests. Being looked after by an irresponsible parent is not good.

 

Thanks for the replies! I can't disagree with any of what you said.

 

I will address the irresponsible point.

 

She is irresponsible in the fact of her pot usage (way over uses it). She is irresponsible in her cleanliness. She doesn't know how to cook. She doesn't know how to pay bills. She has no job skills or training to speak of. She is extremely lazy. Maybe these are all things that don't matter much.

 

But she is a good mom, she will get up and take care of him and do the bare minimum. AKA he isn't going to die.

 

I really want it to work out though. I know I'm a broken record and all the advise has been laid out - sorry. I just keep spinning in circles on what to do and how to handle all of this. I am also getting conflicting advise from people like my parents and friends (a lot of you have to stay together and make it work for the kid sort of stuff.).

 

BLAH!!!

[reboot]

She is irresponsible in the fact of her pot usage (way over uses it). She is irresponsible in her cleanliness. She doesn't know how to cook. She doesn't know how to pay bills. She has no job skills or training to speak of. She is extremely lazy.

 

I really want it to work out though.

 

Oh my goodness, why!?

[saddad44]

Oh my goodness, why!?

 

Love is a fickle friend.

[reboot]

Love is a fickle friend.

 

Yeah, sorry.

 

My (ex) wife wasn't any better than what you describe and I stayed with her for way too long. I guess after I finally got away from her it just surprises me the crap people will take, even though I was as guilty as anyone.

[saddad44]

Yeah, sorry.

 

My (ex) wife wasn't any better than what you describe and I stayed with her for way too long. I guess after I finally got away from her it just surprises me the crap people will take, even though I was as guilty as anyone.

 

how did you feel once it was all done? Any regrets?

 

I always feel like I will regret not trying harder or giving it more time, or something.

[reboot]

how did you feel once it was all done? Any regrets?

 

I always feel like I will regret not trying harder or giving it more time, or something.

 

I have a lifetime of regrets, but none of those come from divorcing her.

 

I regret I didn't do it about 10 years earlier.

[PegNosePete]

We cannot reconcile when only one side wants to or shows effort. I don't see how that can be possible.

You wrote this back in May. How come you're now attempting to reconcile when she quite clearly is putting in ZERO effort? Why do you suddenly think it is possible for you to do all of the work, while she just slacks off, skips MC, refuses to talk, etc?

[saddad44]

You wrote this back in May. How come you're now attempting to reconcile when she quite clearly is putting in ZERO effort? Why do you suddenly think it is possible for you to do all of the work, while she just slacks off, skips MC, refuses to talk, etc?

 

I've been attempting to reconcile since january....

 

I don't think it's possible. I just don't know how to change the situation, or if it even can be. I really don't want to lose my wife. And I know I'm being a @#@$#$ about it. But I love her. I'm starting to learn that's not enough.

 

She has been nicer in her words, but the actions are the same. She is still unable/unwilling to communicate. My life has been a broken record the past 4 months. Same thing, same routine. My depression is getting worse.

 

I'm so damn lost. I still went to the therapy sessions without her. And I don't know if they are helping either.

[PegNosePete]

I really don't want to lose my wife.

What wife? You don't have a wife, you have a roommate. Or another child. But not a wife.

 

My life has been a broken record the past 4 months. Same thing, same routine. My depression is getting worse.

Yes. A famous person once said that doing the same things and expecting a different outcome was the definition of insanity. It's really not surprising it's driving you crazy.

 

One of the best ways to escape depression is to take control of your life. Currently you're letting your wife, who clearly doesn't give a monkey's about you, control your happiness. You need to take back control. Tell her you're going to file for divorce tomorrow and see what she does. If she's not on her knees apologising for skipping MC and opening her heart about her feelings, then first thing tomorrow go and file. You have no idea how empowering it will feel, to finally stick up for yourself.

Edited June 15, 2017 by PegNosePete