Limerence/affair fog...when it ends

[somuchfortheone]

I've done a lot of research on limerence and I've read a lot of posts on here.

From what I've read this lasts from 3 - 36 months...rarely going to 48+ months. I've heard things like "you'll experience the best sex you've ever had'...is that for that entire time...just the beginning...or as the fog fades, so does that?

Also - I hear people having a difficult time when the affairs end...is this when the other person ends them...or when you chose to end it?

 

 

I guess my question is...how long does it take to really heal after these affairs end? people compare it to mental illness in some posts...how long after the affair is over do you feel like your head is clear again?

[Birdies]

It is comparable to the infatuation phase early in relationships, which can last a few months to a couple years but not usually more. However, the illicit nature of an affair, and the fact that you likely are feeling unappreciated and neglected and finally have someone who "gets" you, makes those obsessive, addicted, infatuation feelings even stronger. And with the sex part, just the nature of it being illicit and also not being able to have it whenever you want, makes it very powerful. Just human nature there.

 

The ending of an affair generally seems to be more painful than when a normal relationship ends. I think this is because it's usually due to a sudden DDay or the general "need" to end it due to life circumstances, rather than a desire to end it. So in that way, there is none of the usual closure or feelings of "it's time", if that makes sense. So that delays getting over it, although I've read that wayward spouses who are the best candidates for reconciliation and remorse snap out of it very quickly when they realize how much they almost lost. In my case, I was in love with my AP and so there was no snapping out :/ The length of time will vary for each individual though.

 

How are you doing? Did your husband end up moving out? Are you considering reconciling with him? I hope you're taking care of yourself first and foremost.

[Unforseen]

Well I don't know about really healed. My W and I have been working at R for almost 18 months. We are certainly doing a little better each day but we aren't healed yet. I know there's an estimate of between 2-5 years for that process to be considered done and that feels about right. There's no way my WW and I will be completely healed (relatively speaking) once we hit the 2 year mark, but the way we are progressing I don't see the breach still being between us at 5 years. I'm aware that there will always be scars for both of us from the betrayal but it won't be such a pressing issue.

 

As for the limerence side of things, in talking to my W about it those feelings of missing the interactions and attention really began to fade away around 3-4 months after I discovered what was going on. For her it coincided with when she began to feel remorse. Relatively speaking her betrayal was not as bad as others. 2-3 months of online EAs that turned to sexting and picture swapping. I can only imagine that adding a physical component would increase the amount of time spent in the fog and I'm certain it would have been more difficult for me to start the road to healing and I would have been less available to be compassionate and supportive of her.

 

Best wishes for you. I certainly hope you can find the peace that you deserve.

[aileD]

The problem with affairs is that they're like a perpetual state of limerence because they are hidden and conducted in secret and not really subject to the real world and what real relationships actually go through. Plus they're a an added sense of excitement and adrenaline on top of all the other chemicals because it's forbidden...and secret and clandestine.

 

Also most affairs are found out right smack in the middle of all this limerence. So they're harder to let go of because all those chemicals are blinding you.

 

 

Honestly, sometimes being found out is the shock that's needed to kick you out of the fog.....but sometimes, it's not. Sometimes one has to hit rock bottom, get the A out in the real world before they're head clears. Which is why everyone always says "expose!" If you expose the affair to family and friends and coworkers and spouses then now it's all of a sudden in the real world. You're speeding up the process of "is this real or fog" because it's forced to deal with real issues.

[Confused48]

Ultimately there are no predictable time limits to these things. If you have the right mix of toxic people and bad behaviours, you could go on till one of you is dead.

 

I've seen stories on here where people have strong "feelings" for decades with little or no contact with their AP. The delusion here is incredible.

[somuchfortheone]

The problem with affairs is that they're like a perpetual state of limerence because they are hidden and conducted in secret and not really subject to the real world and what real relationships actually go through. Plus they're a an added sense of excitement and adrenaline on top of all the other chemicals because it's forbidden...and secret and clandestine.

 

Also most affairs are found out right smack in the middle of all this limerence. So they're harder to let go of because all those chemicals are blinding you.

 

 

Honestly, sometimes being found out is the shock that's needed to kick you out of the fog.....but sometimes, it's not. Sometimes one has to hit rock bottom, get the A out in the real world before they're head clears. Which is why everyone always says "expose!" If you expose the affair to family and friends and coworkers and spouses then now it's all of a sudden in the real world. You're speeding up the process of "is this real or fog" because it's forced to deal with real issues.

 

 

-- this seems to be the case for my husband...and I think rock bottom is going to come fast for him....his son has been seriously late to school twice in the last week and missed one day entirely..

I told him I won't help out when social workers get involved...not because I don't love them but he won't know what he lost until he loses it. This girl won't help him...she's selfish...so he'll see real quick what he lost and what he's got.

[Chica80]

I think it depends on the length, the nature of the A...etc

[somanymistakes]

Ultimately there are no predictable time limits to these things. If you have the right mix of toxic people and bad behaviours, you could go on till one of you is dead.

 

I've seen stories on here where people have strong "feelings" for decades with little or no contact with their AP. The delusion here is incredible.

 

"It's not real love because it won't last! And if it does last, that proves something is even more wrong with you!"

 

Basically I'm not sure why you're putting feelings in quotes there. Yes, feelings can last years even with no contact. If you really cared about someone, why would you stop caring just because they were gone or dead?

 

-

 

As I understand it there seem to be two different things that people describe as affair fog. One is the idea that the affair relationship is "perfect", which is skewed because both parties are only seeing each other a limited amount and they tend to be both on their best behavior during those times. Not only do they never have to deal with day-to-day stuff, but they're always dressed up and wearing their sexiest underwear for their rendezvous.

 

This isn't that different from the early stage of any normal dating relationship, there's always going to be a transition period where you learn that your partner isn't perfect. The big difference, of course, is that at least one of you is ALREADY in a real relationship, and if there was any solid ground there it likely has more strength than the affair.

 

This kind of 'fog' seems like it should blow away when the WS truly considers the prospect of having a fulltime day-to-day normal life with the AP, and compares it against the existing normal life with the BS. Their BS is probably more valuable to them. Once they truly understand the AP is not perfect, they probably want their old life back. Or they want a new AP, if they're serial cheaters.

 

 

The other kind of fog people talk about is the more chemical limerence one. aileD is completely right that the secrecy and 'forbidden' nature gives added excitement and adrenaline that causes even more chemical imbalances and people do not think clearly.

 

Exposure doesn't make the relationship stop being "forbidden", though, so for people who are addicted to the drama, the angst will continue. The more they feel persecuted and like the world is against them for following their hearts, the more they may cling to the forbidden fruit. Even if you raise the stakes high enough for them to actually feel forced to give up the relationship for a while, that isn't going to make those feelings stop. It may make them even more romantic. There's the kind of affair that will pretend to stop and then start up again when you're not looking.

 

Forbidden fruit feelings sometimes go away when the fruit is no longer forbidden. When the 180 comes into play, the WS may suddenly stop feeling like the tragic romantic hero and instead suddenly feel like a dumb loser.

[mercy]

......the WS may suddenly stop feeling like the tragic romantic hero and instead suddenly feel like a dumb loser.

 

I'm sorry but that was just too funny not to take a moment and lol!

 

I'd say when this happens reality knocks you right out of that fog.

[elaine567]

I think that is one of those "How long is a piece of string?" type of questions.

I guess it all depends on the people involved and what they expect out of the affair.

Is it simply infatuation/limerence or is it "love"?

Was it a fling based on sex and excitement, or a deep connection based on shared values and goals?

Was it just "something to do", "something that just happened", or was it a genuine attempt to flee the marriage...?

 

Yes, the feelings may all fizzle out in weeks/months, but for some the feelings may still be going strong 20+ years later.

Even a spouse that decides to reconcile may still harbour strong feelings for their AP.

 

Who really knows how it will pan out? Each case is individual.

 

I don't really think the BS hoping to reconcile, is in the best position to judge, as they are too involved and it is in their best interests to minimise the affair and believe that their spouse will come to his/her "senses" eventually.

I guess sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

[Chica80]

I think that is one of those "How long is a piece of string?" type of questions.

I guess it all depends on the people involved and what they expect out of the affair.

Is it simply infatuation/limerence or is it "love"?

Was it a fling based on sex and excitement, or a deep connection based on shared values and goals?

Was it just "something to do", "something that just happened", or was it a genuine attempt to flee the marriage...?

 

Yes, the feelings may all fizzle out in weeks/months, but for some the feelings may still be going strong 20+ years later.

Even a spouse that decides to reconcile may still harbour strong feelings for their AP.

 

Who really knows how it will pan out? Each case is individual.

 

I don't really think the BS hoping to reconcile, is in the best position to judge, as they are too involved and it is in their best interests to minimise the affair and believe that their spouse will come to his/her "senses" eventually.

I guess sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

 

Depending on what side of the triangle you are on you believe whatever you need to move forward.

[Southern Sun]

Well, we can say they are all different but there is a pattern, to an extent...in that the crazy limerence feelings do typically die out after a period of time.

 

My first big D-Day happened almost a year into the affair, and I went back to him. Still had all the crazy feelings. It took two and a half years (on and off) for me to end the relationship completely. Even then, I struggled (in spite of knowing it was right and wanting to reconcile my M). I had anxiety, I went through periods of missing the AP. At the same time, the affair was a terribly up and down relationship and very manipulative. So that played a part.

 

It probably took me 10 to 11 months from the end before I really began to feel good most of the time, even though I know there was steady progress. But I just know that was around the time that I could objectively say: I feel better.

 

So overall, just under 3 and 1/2 years. (life wasted)

 

Ugh.

[BTDT2012]

I think the concept of "limerence/affair fog" is vastly overrated. I know I wasted way too much time accepting it. Nothing changed until I decided that I deserved better.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I sometimes wonder if as we have access to more information...we dont start making up things and applying them to our situations.

 

My affair was so long ago...that we actually called it adultery...and there was no such thing as the fog or limerence.

 

Look...we can apply whatever names we want...and excuses we want and it does not change the bottom line

 

I am still accountable for my actions...no matter how many terms you want to apply to it.

 

what difference does it make?

 

Did your spouse cheat? and did they cheat because they wanted to? or did somebody force them? Who cares if they were in love or in infatuation or in limerence? Does it change a damn thing? no it doesn't.

 

They cheated because they wanted to and if they are harboring feelings for someone besides their spouse..they deserve to be divorced. It is really this simple.

 

If it makes you feel better to apply fancy words and definitions to how they feel toward their affair partner....and you can heal faster...wonderful

 

but adultery is adultery no matter how many pretty words you try to fluff it with

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Limerence is fueled by even the tiniest morsels of hope. The push/pull, hot & cold, or whatever euphemism you wish to substitute is what keeps people obsessed or preoccupied with the limerent object (LO). Until there is commitment to or consummation of a relationship with the LO, it will likely continue.

 

In a similar manner, this dynamic is what is also keeping you obsessed or preoccupied with your husband's return. It is hard for you to walk away when he gives you crumbs of hope that he may return if things do not work out with his girlfriend. Because of this, NC is an effective strategy because it serves to curtail wishful thinking.

 

I may be overreaching, but I feel you are asking when will your husband return to his senses and commit to your marriage? Nobody can answer that question. He may find that things are not so grand with her and return with his tail between his legs, or he may not. That is why it is imperative you do not wait around for him to make a decision for you.

 

If you really want him back. Do not make yourself available. People desire what they cannot have. Make yourself desirable.

[Mrs. John Adams]

How long are you willing to wait for him to finish with the other woman?

 

Thats how long it takes

 

 

Seriously....you are worth more than this. If you have a wayward...who is still emotionally attached to someone else...get a divorce.

 

Reconciliation is difficult when all of the stars align...if you have someone you are waiting on the "come to their senses"....you deserve better

 

If you have a wayward who is not willing to put you first...you deserve better

[road]

Limerence

 

Fog

 

Are just words to describe a WS clinging to the good memories the affair

provided. If they have these feelings it then helps to ease their pain

that the affair was not all bad because why are there good feelings

from the affair.

 

False justification to have an affair. Continued false justification that

the affair had some good as a coping mechanism to ease their pain for

being a WS.

 

Also this limerence is further proof that affairs produce addictive affair

chemistry and that is why 100% NC is a must. Or the affair will most

likely restart.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think you should be accepted and loved for who you are... and if your husband does not want you and accept you the way you are... it is his loss.

 

 

Do not change for someone else. If you want to change something about yourself then do it for you. Because at the end of the day... you are responsible for your own happiness.

 

My husband is an amazing man and I thank him for allowing me to go on this journey with him. He deserved for me to love him as he is and I deserve the same.

 

There is always room for self improvement ... but there is no need to change for a cheater... none

 

You want your husband to love you... because you are an amazing person not because you are telling him he can longer have you or because you are trying to become desirable.

 

Ugh .... life is not a freaking game. He either wants you or he doesn't and you cannot make someone else love you period.... and if he doesn't love you then someone else out there may and won't cheat on you

[somuchfortheone]

I think you should be accepted and loved for who you are... and if your husband does not want you and accept you the way you are... it is his loss.

 

 

Do not change for someone else. If you want to change something about yourself then do it for you. Because at the end of the day... you are responsible for your own happiness.

 

My husband is an amazing man and I thank him for allowing me to go on this journey with him. He deserved for me to love him as he is and I deserve the same.

 

There is always room for self improvement ... but there is no need to change for a cheater... none

 

You want your husband to love you... because you are an amazing person not because you are telling him he can longer have you or because you are trying to become desirable.

 

Ugh .... life is not a freaking game. He either wants you or he doesn't and you cannot make someone else love you period.... and if he doesn't love you then someone else out there may and won't cheat on you

 

You're right - I am an amazing catch... and have way more going for me than the OW. I think he'll see that one day... like a dummy I hope he comes back. I am going to work on myself because I've put myself last for 8 years, not to become more desirable for him. I bring enough to the table.. if he can't see it, someone else will.

 

 

By the way, I love your brutally honest posts... I appreciate your words and your help

[Mrs. John Adams]

You're right - I am an amazing catch... and have way more going for me than the OW. I think he'll see that one day... like a dummy I hope he comes back. I am going to work on myself because I've put myself last for 8 years, not to become more desirable for him. I bring enough to the table.. if he can't see it, someone else will.

 

 

By the way, I love your brutally honest posts... I appreciate your words and your help

 

You are incredible person...and it is NOT a competition. Dont do that to your self....dont compare your self to the ow. YOu dont have to quailfy anything. You are an amazing catch...PERIOD

 

If he doesn't see that...then you find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

 

YOu are workng on becoming the best person you can be...and if that isn't enough for him...for god's sake...let him go.

 

I am confident...he will one day be very sorry he let you go....and you will be happy without him.

 

I am honest...and it kills me when i see soemone like you sitting around waiting for a man like him to come back. I know you still love him....but you cannot make him love you back....and right now he loves himself more than he loves you.

 

That is not good for you...and this is about making choices that are good for you.

[somuchfortheone]

You are incredible person...and it is NOT a competition. Dont do that to your self....dont compare your self to the ow. YOu dont have to quailfy anything. You are an amazing catch...PERIOD

 

If he doesn't see that...then you find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

 

YOu are workng on becoming the best person you can be...and if that isn't enough for him...for god's sake...let him go.

 

I am confident...he will one day be very sorry he let you go....and you will be happy without him.

 

I am honest...and it kills me when i see soemone like you sitting around waiting for a man like him to come back. I know you still love him....but you cannot make him love you back....and right now he loves himself more than he loves you.

 

That is not good for you...and this is about making choices that are good for you.

 

He's my best friend and still the person I see as the one for me. I won't wait for him.. he knows that... I hope he wakes up and wants me back but I can't keep my life on hold for a hope that might happen. I agree, I think he'll be sorry and try to come back... hopefully not before it's too late.. but either way, I know I have a bright future. You reap what you sow and I believe that goes both ways... he's reaping exactly what he sowed already... it's pretty remarkable (actually they both are)... and I believe all the things I did right but come back to me.... eventually ) Hopefully not too long down the road...

[seren]

I read much of limerance and fog, I think that in the early days and for a lot of affairs this certainly applies. The never having to really deal with 'stuff', the real but not really real aspect of them, and the escape for the WS. I have, however, also seen it as the friend of an OW, now deceased, who had an affair for 15 yrs and loved and shared a lot of her life with the WS. The degree of future faking was, frankly, criminal. The lies, the painting of his life as so very different from what it turned out it was. It was so convincing I believed his lies of a sick wife, sick child, not being able to leave her or them until she either got a kidney, died, the children left home, the 'sick' child recovering from cancer. all the while my friend believed, they went away for holidays, he spent weekends with her and all the while she held on until everything in his fake world fell into place. All the while, they made plans and it was something to hold onto and made the relationship unlike other relationships as there was always a better tomorrow to wait for. That, I think is the key to a lot of the limerance or affair fog, the belief that in the future, they will leave, the OW or OM will be picked, to carry it on, the WS has to paint a picture of a terrible married life where they are trapped or stay for honourable reasons, hence the sick BS, the children needing them any or all of the reasons given.

 

That's not saying there isn't feeling or love, but, when it comes to stay or leave, reality hits home and it ends one of two ways, the WS leaves and stays with the OW or OM, or the WS stays and works on his marriage. Then the limerance begins to fade, rather rapidly Some, most will have memories of the affair, the rush it gave, the sex and let's me honest, the other person. No one has a relationship that requires hard work keeping it hidden if they didn't enjoy it. I asked my H and XWS when it started to become no longer exciting. His reply and it is only as honest as he wants it to be and I should add he told me about his A, was that he feared she would tell me, that she had said she would tell me for them. He says that he feared she would tell me and that it had been over for a month or so before he ended it and told me. It was when she began making demands he hadn't any intention of keeping, it was when they met for an afternoon in a motel and he said he felt cheap and saw it for what it was.

 

I will also add that I encouraged him to give her closure, he refused, she told me that it was much as he had said while telling me I had stopped him contacting her. I understand the need for her to think it was as she thought, I felt the need for him to tell me he had fallen out of love with me while the A was ongoing and had felt love for her, but he couldn't. For 9 and a half years he has been nothing but honest with me and himself. The affair has long reaching claws and he hates what he calls the whole disgusting mess (not my words). There will always be affairs that are based upon love, I imagine those see the WS make their choice very early on in the relationship, which is how it should be with neither the BS or the AP waiting for the pick me game.

 

My friend, once she saw what the WS had done, how he had become a fixture of her life and her children's lives, how there was no BS waiting for a kidney or death, no children with cancer, just a married man with a normal wife and kids living a normal life. To her he was noble for nursing his sick wife and looking after his sick child, to her he was just waiting for the right moment and they would be together, she even put a deposit on a house for them. When the Limerance burned away and when she saw just who he was, she took her life. He continues in his ordinary life, his BS knows everything, but she has taken him back, after 15 yrs I certainly couldn't. I wish more OW or Om would lay down a line in the sand and stick to it. Leave the marriage, get divorced and then come find them, we are all worth more.

Edited May 14, 2017 by seren

[somuchfortheone]

I read much of limerance and fog, I think that in the early days and for a lot of affairs this certainly applies. The never having to really deal with 'stuff', the real but not really real aspect of them, and the escape for the WS. I have, however, also seen it as the friend of an OW, now deceased, who had an affair for 15 yrs and loved and shared a lot of her life with the WS. The degree of future faking was, frankly, criminal. The lies, the painting of his life as so very different from what it turned out it was. It was so convincing I believed his lies of a sick wife, sick child, not being able to leave her or them until she either got a kidney, died, the children left home, the 'sick' child recovering from cancer. all the while my friend believed, they went away for holidays, he spent weekends with her and all the while she held on until everything in his fake world fell into place. All the while, they made plans and it was something to hold onto and made the relationship unlike other relationships as there was always a better tomorrow to wait for. That, I think is the key to a lot of the limerance or affair fog, the belief that in the future, they will leave, the OW or OM will be picked, to carry it on, the WS has to paint a picture of a terrible married life where they are trapped or stay for honourable reasons, hence the sick BS, the children needing them any or all of the reasons given.

 

That's not saying there isn't feeling or love, but, when it comes to stay or leave, reality hits home and it ends one of two ways, the WS leaves and stays with the OW or OM, or the WS stays and works on his marriage. Then the limerance begins to fade, rather rapidly Some, most will have memories of the affair, the rush it gave, the sex and let's me honest, the other person. No one has a relationship that requires hard work keeping it hidden if they didn't enjoy it. I asked my H and XWS when it started to become no longer exciting. His reply and it is only as honest as he wants it to be and I should add he told me about his A, was that he feared she would tell me, that she had said she would tell me for them. He says that he feared she would tell me and that it had been over for a month or so before he ended it and told me. It was when she began making demands he hadn't any intention of keeping, it was when they met for an afternoon in a motel and he said he felt cheap and saw it for what it was.

 

I will also add that I encouraged him to give her closure, he refused, she told me that it was much as he had said while telling me I had stopped him contacting her. I understand the need for her to think it was as she thought, I felt the need for him to tell me he had fallen out of love with me while the A was ongoing and had felt love for her, but he couldn't. For 9 and a half years he has been nothing but honest with me and himself. The affair has long reaching claws and he hates what he calls the whole disgusting mess (not my words). There will always be affairs that are based upon love, I imagine those see the WS make their choice very early on in the relationship, which is how it should be with neither the BS or the AP waiting for the pick me game.

 

My friend, once she saw what the WS had done, how he had become a fixture of her life and her children's lives, how there was no BS waiting for a kidney or death, no children with cancer, just a married man with a normal wife and kids living a normal life. To her he was noble for nursing his sick wife and looking after his sick child, to her he was just waiting for the right moment and they would be together, she even put a deposit on a house for them. When the Limerance burned away and when she saw just who he was, she took her life. He continues in his ordinary life, his BS knows everything, but she has taken him back, after 15 yrs I certainly couldn't. I wish more OW or Om would lay down a line in the sand and stick to it. Leave the marriage, get divorced and then come find them, we are all worth more.

 

That's so very sad... she took her life?? Wow... I hear that is common with limerence relationships ending actually... I'm sorry for your loss as well..

[BTDT2012]

He's my best friend and still the person I see as the one for me. I won't wait for him.. he knows that... I hope he wakes up and wants me back but I can't keep my life on hold for a hope that might happen. I agree, I think he'll be sorry and try to come back... hopefully not before it's too late.. but either way, I know I have a bright future. You reap what you sow and I believe that goes both ways... he's reaping exactly what he sowed already... it's pretty remarkable (actually they both are)... and I believe all the things I did right but come back to me.... eventually ) Hopefully not too long down the road...

He is not your best friend. A best friend wouldn't treat you this way. I hope you wake up and don't want him, or at least make him prove that he is worthy of being with you. You are heading down the path of becoming the OW when he moves out. And you deserve so much more than that

[somuchfortheone]

He is not your best friend. A best friend wouldn't treat you this way. I hope you wake up and don't want him, or at least make him prove that he is worthy of being with you. You are heading down the path of becoming the OW when he moves out. And you deserve so much more than that

 

I see what you're saying but I won't be the other woman and he knows that. It's going to be tough for a while when he moves out but I'll get used to it. If he is the one he'll wake up... if not, he'll lose me. But I won't be the OW when we aren't married... I told him I won't hide anything from her... secret outings, conversations... nothing physical... not happening. Not out of respect for her because I don't have any for her but I believe you reap what you sow and I certainly don't want that coming back to me.