When someone "cheats", are both parties at fault

[RonChalant]

First off I didn't "cheat"; I took another woman on a date while currently in a relationship and got caught up, but my now ex claims that is the same as cheating which is a topic for another day.

 

We got into a separate argument the next day because I said that it was a 2 way street and we both had something to do with me taking out another girl which of course made her blow up even though she owns up to part of the argument, which makes no sense to me.

 

My Argument:

We have had talks about me not feeling wanted because she never initiates sex and we only have sex when she deems it ok to the point where it got down to once every 10 days or so. We have had the talk at least 4 time over the past year alone (this has been an issue for the past 3 years though) and each time she says that she understands and that she will change, which she does...for a week, then its back to the same story. I ask her if there is anything I can do to out her in the mood more, I take her out on random dates, we travel the world, I rub her back and give her kisses all over her body just because I want her to follow my lead at some point. Over the last 2 months we had some extra circumstances arise to where we couldn't have sex as much due to health reasons, Ok completely understandable, but I still wanted her to kiss on my, asked her to just lay on top of me and rub her boobs in my face, none of this was acceptable to her and when she did kiss on my neck the 1 time she decided to do it she huffed and puffed before she did it for about 10 seconds, all the while she wants me to rub her back and her neck, I've been taking care of her in multiple aspects, blah blah. Full disclosure, the "health issue" is that she's pregnant. Call me an a-hole, but I don't think that excuses you from kissing and making someone feel close to you, especially when I am only asking for these things when she its up and running around enjoying that she feels good that day. Anywho, I brought this up yesterday and said that the lack of feeling wanted over the past however long which was cause by her made me do what I did and I stand by that. Yes, it was my fault as well but we both had an ongoing part in it.

 

Her Argument:

My actions are of my own doing, and she takes responsibility for the emotional aspect for making me feel unwanted, but that has nothing to do with the action of me taking another woman on a date...

 

WHICH IS BULL***T. The emotion I felt which she owns up to is what caused me to take the action that I took, therefore we are both at fault. This isn't some new issue that I never spoke to her about in a non-confrontational way. Hell if anything I always tried to keep it to myself because I didn't want to seem like I was being needy (by expecting my live-in gf to have sex with me 2-3 times a week when I am doing everything I can, and asking what I need to do to make things better for her, smh). Yes I am <b>DEAD WRONG</b> for taking another woman on a date while I have a pregnant girlfriend, completely agree with that...BUT, I feel that both parties should own up to their parts in such a situation.

 

Am I crazy for thinking this way?

[Sloppyseconds]

Ok. First thing... HORMONES! A pregnant lady is emotionally thru the wringer and back multiple times per day, so many changes happening, it is Bound to throw her a little off. So discount that part of the equation.

Next. You have a pregnant partner yet you felt the need to take another girl out? You aren't exactly sending vibes that you're as invested in her as you'd like her to be in you. Some part of you must be considering leaving if you've taken steps to see someone else, regardless of anything intimate taking place.

Now comes communication. You need to express what you need and wNt, as does she, but also address the issues when those needs and wants are not being met, problem solve together. Then if it is a continuous cycle, decide can you withstand that or do you guys need to split for good. Don't think having a child will magically just make it all better. You need to address it now.

Next, ok, you feel it is partly her fault for not meeting your desires, but you can't just go take another person on a date and think you can defend that. You're in a relationship! Work out those wrinkles first, if you decide together that a split is best, by all means take another girl out, but don't leave your pregnant partner in the wings while you go figure things out that way and then try to saddle part of that blame on her. This goes back to the communication part. You could have spoken to her to work on it, YOU chose to seek another girl.

Step up for your actions. You are about to become a parent. Is this the example or pattern you wish to teach your child?

[harrybrown]

Is she carrying your child?

 

Did you tell her unless things changed that you would date someone else?

 

if she is carrying your child, going on a date with someone else is all kinds of wrong.

 

 

She can't read your mind. Be totally clear in your communication, but when she is pregnant, you may have declared war.

 

So when she is not pregnant would you be okay with her dating another man?

[RecentChange]

Why did you get your girlfriend pregnant if you are having such a big issue with this for years? Seems like a very poor choice of action.

 

Water under the bridge now. Now you have a mother of your child, whom you have contempt for, to the point you tried to date someone else - it always mind boggles me how little consideration many seem to use before choosing to bring a child into their relationship.

 

So, she doesn't want sex as much as you do, and you have been unsuccessful in coaxing her into more sex...

 

Ya naw, that doesn't mean she is responsible for your cheating. Nope. And I say this as a cheater myself (oh believe me, like you I had my "reasons") but there is always another choice. You're a big boy, and on your own you made a bad one. That's not on her.

 

As for how to rev her engine up, while pregnant, I think you're gonna have an uphill battle.

 

Was she EVER high drive when it came to sex? If she was, maaaaybe things could be repaired. Part of that would be making her feel cherished and lusted after - dating a different woman kinda does the opposite of that.

[Cilantro]

In my opinion, I'd technically call what you did emotional cheating, but I'm still not sure if I consider emotional cheating to be a true form of cheating at all. Definitely a breach of trust, a threat of flight risk to the relationship (in terms of planning to leave current partner for someone else, or in terms of it leading to cheating on the partner with that someone else). I can see why she'd be upset.

 

Maybe I missed it, but what I'm wondering is, why didn't your one time date lead to anything physical? Was it because you felt a guilty conscience about doing what would constitute in your book as technically "cheating"? Or was it because you didn't feel any chemistry? If it was the latter, then the "date" seems like it was more platonic friends hanging out than an actual romantic date, which in my eyes would mean it's not really emotional cheating. Or is it that you wanted to do more with the woman, but she wasn't interested that way? (which would show intention to cheat, which your partner should definitely view as a warning/danger to her relationship with you)

[Cilantro]

I feel the need to chip in my own experience with this, OP. I can relate. I am married but went on a date with someone else half a year or so ago. Like you, we had midday food and drinks but no physical contact whatsoever beyond a cordial handshake and a friendly hug goodbye. I admit the only reason I even scheduled a date in the first place was because I suspected my husband might be cheating on me, so I wanted to feel even up in my mind (without my husband knowing I was doing this). I also wanted to feel wanted. I still don't know if my husband ever actually did anything sexual with anyone else, but at the time I'd gotten him to recently confess to going to a strip club and buying lapdances while I was stuck at home caring for the kids. So I felt a sense of entitlement to have a guy spend at least as much money on me as my husband had spent on that other woman the stripper. I have admitted my little date to my husband several times over the past 7 months whenever he brings it up again. Somehow he keeps forgetting about it and asking me again. From what I see he's kinda hurt, and has admitted that he didn't think I'd actually meet a guy for midday happy hour because he saw me to be the good girl type who'd always stay loyal even if I thought he wasn't being loyal to me. Yes he admitted that. But he also realizes that while he's hurt and also a little mad at the guy (who he doesn't know), he understands why I did it and knows he doesn't really have a place to show anger about it. Also, I will mention that the guy involved in this is also married but was cheated on by his wife, so he felt owed a free pass.

[Space Ritual]

First off I didn't "cheat"; I took another woman on a date while currently in a relationship and got caught up, but my now ex claims that is the same as cheating which is a topic for another day.

 

Threads like this generally require a 2x4 from a cyberspace Volunteer in order to get a point across, so I'll preface what I am about to say with that there its nothing personal. And I figure the Mods will slap my wrist since it's been about 3 months but I'm an old man, so I won't cry about it.

 

 

Reading the first paragraph was all I needed to determine you are one of those who probably are incapable of ever getting it unless reality hits you like a Tornado. So although I did take the time to read it, the rest of your initial post is pretty much pointless.

 

 

 

You both are responsible for half of what occurs in your relationship.

 

You are solely responsible for your own action of going on a date with another woman. ESPECIALLY when your girlfriend is pregnant.

 

There are certain responsibilities that you inherit when you impregnate a woman. Those needs that you are pissing and moaning about take a far back seat to the responsibility you have as a new parent.

 

The fact of the matter is that to see another woman was your INTENT. Your girlfriend is not responsible for your actions. Those are totally on you.

 

Which makes your entire argument a moot point.

 

If you are already whining about all of this now, I hate to wonder what you are going to do when you have to get up at 3 am to feed your child. My guess is that you will do your best to bail on your girlfriend before that is even an issue.

 

Stevie Wonder could see how this ends. Prove to yourself, your girlfriend, your baby and not least of all, Stevie Wonder, the Singer and part time Fortune Teller that I'm wrong.

 

GROW UP!

 

Because if you don't, you're gonna be amazed at the number of pizzas you'll be delivering in order to pay child support just to have every other weekend with an infant. That is your future if you don't get your head out of your rump

[Space Ritual]

it always mind boggles me how little consideration many seem to use before choosing to bring a child into their relationship

 

Not me, RC. I always knew in the back of my mind I was effin evil and that bringing a little me into the world would do nobody any good.

 

I was more than happy to be a Case study in Wrappin The Rascal:) LOL!

[usa1ah]

Your ex is correct. Your actions are your own doing. Instead of fixing the relationship you decided to cheat by having a date with another woman while in a exclusive relationship.

[salparadise]

The whole thing is a mess, and you should be more concerned with owning your part than using twisted logic to justify what you did, which of course was blatantly wrong. If you aren't getting enough sex and affection, the way to fix it is by being more loving and affectionate.

 

You did the opposite, which killed trust and security and caused who knows what other awful emotional distress for a woman who is carrying your child... and then you try to turn it around on her. Pffffft. I have an extremely low opinion of that behavior, and I hope for her sake, and the child, that it's merely a one-time anomaly and not who you are fundamentally. But I have my doubts.

 

If she has a predisposition to withhold sex and affection and/or dole it out sparingly in a manipulative way, it doesn't bode well for long-term success. These are two separate issues, and one doesn't justify the other.

[Friskyone4u]

Threads like this generally require a 2x4 from a cyberspace Volunteer in order to get a point across, so I'll preface what I am about to say with that there its nothing personal. And I figure the Mods will slap my wrist since it's been about 3 months but I'm an old man, so I won't cry about it.

 

 

Reading the first paragraph was all I needed to determine you are one of those who probably are incapable of ever getting it unless reality hits you like a Tornado. So although I did take the time to read it, the rest of your initial post is pretty much pointless.

 

 

 

You both are responsible for half of what occurs in your relationship.

 

You are solely responsible for your own action of going on a date with another woman. ESPECIALLY when your girlfriend is pregnant.

 

There are certain responsibilities that you inherit when you impregnate a woman. Those needs that you are pissing and moaning about take a far back seat to the responsibility you have as a new parent.

 

The fact of the matter is that to see another woman was your INTENT. Your girlfriend is not responsible for your actions. Those are totally on you.

 

Which makes your entire argument a moot point.

 

If you are already whining about all of this now, I hate to wonder what you are going to do when you have to get up at 3 am to feed your child. My guess is that you will do your best to bail on your girlfriend before that is even an issue.

 

Stevie Wonder could see how this ends. Prove to yourself, your girlfriend, your baby and not least of all, Stevie Wonder, the Singer and part time Fortune Teller that I'm wrong.

 

GROW UP!

 

Because if you don't, you're gonna be amazed at the number of pizzas you'll be delivering in order to pay child support just to have every other weekend with an infant. That is your future if you don't get your head out of your rump

 

OP,

 

Read that again please. You are in Disneyland. When a married person goes on a date with someone of the opposite sex without telling their spouse that is cheating. If you cannot understand that, no advice here is going to help you.

 

Maybe if instead of withholding hand holding from you she went out to the local Marriott for a drink with some guy she met on the internet and did not tell you, then you would understand the obvious.

[d0nnivain]

She allowed you to feel unwanted. She acknowledged that.

 

 

However, you could have broken up with her. Instead you chose to cheat. So no, it's not her fault you picked deception over integrity. That choice was all yours.

 

 

It may be her fault that your relationship with her was unfulfilling for you, but you had honorable alternatives. You did not have to cheat. You chose to do that.

 

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. You aren't justified in cheating, although you may have been justified in ending the relationship.

[carhill]

OP, reading the last portion of your post, you can never compel someone to accept responsibility for their actions and you can choose to accept total responsibility for your own. Everyone has free will and choices.

 

So, choose to do what you feel is within your moral boundaries and fiber here and move on. Learn from it.

[smackie9]

You are not crazy, just self entitled, and ignorant. The real solution was to end your relationship. Infidelity IS NOT and never will be a solution to marital/relationship problems. Cheating only exasperates the problem. You either both work it out with counseling, or you end it and move on.

[smackie9]

BTW don't get another woman pregnant.....you think you feel your needs are not met, just wait til the kid is born....she will not have anytime for you.

[preraph]

You're the cheater, not her. If you don't want her, break up with her, but cheating is clearly your fault and your decision and it reflects on you, not her.

 

And what were you thinking bringing a child into a relationship you were unhappy with - -and by the way, she got pregnant, so it's not like she isn't having sex with you, so your whining seems petty and entitled.

Edited May 11, 2017 by preraph

[Davey L]

She's pregnant.

The primary purpose of a man, the reason we exist, is to take care of pregnant women. A man that can't do that is fundamentally pointless. Most of us have brains that are hardwired to look after her, but the bread on the table and accept just about any **** from her while she's pregnant or with small children. That's why you are on this planet so go do it.

[PinkPampies]

[]

 

It seems no woman will be good enough for you and your "needs" in the long run.

 

Wow, take a look at yourself and what you've wrote. []

 

I think you should break up with your current girlfriend and support the child. Stay single and play the field, because you clearly have a confused idea about "commitment".

Edited May 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Chi townD]

I have to agree with you girlfriend on this. If there was problems in the relationship, then you are blamed for 50% of those problems and she can take the blame for the other 50%. But, you cheating? That was 100% on you. YOU made the choice to take another woman out. She had nothing to do with that. If you were unhappy with your relationship, then it was your responsibility to try and fix it or end it.

[ZayKayWill]

A little late but I'll post my thoughts anyway. Without reading the OPs response, I'm just gonna say it's always the person who cheats' fault. Even if you're in an abusive relationship or they cheated on you already or w/e, there's no need to level yourself down. Two wrongs don't make a right. Not sure how someone can say that it was partly your partner's fault that you yourself cheated. That's just irresponsible and immature.

[BaileyB]

Men in a relationship typically don't go on dates with other women.

 

The woman is pregnant with your child, but you are feeling unloved so you decide to go on a date with another woman. Grow up!

 

You are responsible for your decisions. And this, was a bad decision.

Edited May 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[Bastile]

Am I crazy for thinking this way?

 

Not at all. Every relationship has a dynamic which both people are equally responsible for.

 

I've been cheated on before, and, though I dumped her, I accepted my part to play in it. The alternative is to play the game of "heros and villains" and never learn any better about life.

 

I think that anyone can cheat - given the right circumstances. Humans have needs, and those needs will be met one way or the other. Nature can't be denied forever. It finds a way, like weeds through concrete.

 

Nature doesn't much care if things are socially acceptable, or not.

 

Ultimately though, we can only control our own behaviour - not that of others. In which case, you seriously need to question why you have stayed with a woman for years that was giving you such a bad and unsatisfying sex life.

 

Something is clearly off. Two people trying to fit square pegs into a round hole. Two people settling for less than what they really want.

 

You should confront that. Not with her. You should ask yourself why you have accepted it for as long as you have.

 

Fear? Laziness?

[Space Ritual]

I think that anyone can cheat - given the right circumstances. Humans have needs, and those needs will be met one way or the other. Nature can't be denied forever. It finds a way, like weeds through concrete.

 

We are Fifty percent responsible for our relationship, but cheating is 100 percent on the cheater.

 

We all have the capacity to cheat but many of us are adult enough to know that the consequences for cheating are rarely, if ever worth the temporary reward. So no in my life i have never even contemplated it and I've had far more chances than most men to cheat. I never considered it.

[Bastile]

We are Fifty percent responsible for our relationship, but cheating is 100 percent on the cheater.

 

We all have the capacity to cheat but many of us are adult enough to know that the consequences for cheating are rarely, if ever worth the temporary reward. So no in my life i have never even contemplated it and I've had far more chances than most men to cheat. I never considered it.

 

The one time I got cheated on (as far as I know), I had to read the signs and I cut straight to the chase - avoiding any gashlighting or nonsense. I was going through a bereavement, and was going out with a very sexual girl with low self-control. Quite obvious what was going to happen.

 

I wasn't given 4 verbal warnings, made a massive effort over, and then given the severe warning of her having a date with another person. Even as a naive idiot, I would have got the message.

 

His partner simply doesn't care.