Dating vs. Long Marriages: no way to relate

[carnelian]

In this true story I read, Afghan women feel that American style dating is unfathomable--incomprehensible to them because their marriages are arranged. They have no dates as we know it. And then I thought that I can understand an arranged marriage situation much more easily than a couple who has been married for decades. That is unfathomable to me--incomprehensible. Like a trip to the moon.

Because I have been single all my life, for decades. I do not know what it is like to be married for 20, 30, 40 years. It is so radically different that I am sure that the married man/woman will never really understand the forever single person (and his/her loneliness) and vice versa. They will say they understand but in fact they do not. Nor will a therapist who may not understand the aloneness.. I know a woman married for 60 years! I told her I haven't even gone with a girl for 60 weeks. My own family does not understand me.

On this forum, does it matter to you whether the advice giver is totally single and unattached or married like you? Should singles take advice from someone who has been married all her life and hardly dated?

[NTV]

The benefit of a forum like this is that we have such a wide range of posters from different cultures ages places experiences, etc.

 

If you are uncomfortable responding to someone's post then don't. There is no requirement to do so. There's a bunch of posts I skip over and don't reply to because I don't know, or have nothing of value to add, or just don't want to.

 

This is a free volunteer thing. And the folks that post their concerns asking for help don't have to read or respond or even try to get what the others are saying. It's a take what you can use and leave the rest type of deal.

 

There's one lady that comes on here and complains about her spouse in a post and then doesn't come back until the next time he does something she doesn't like and then posts again. I doubt she ever really reads any of the responses. But to her the value is getting the problems out of her head so they don't swell into something bigger. And that's okay.

 

Other folks come and never share any thing about themselves but just chime in on a very specific problem when it comes up because that's what they want to help with. That's fine too.

 

So if you haven't been married before that doesn't mean you can't respond on marriage threads. Really someone singles opinion or advice could be just as valuable or more valuable to the original poster (op).

 

Cool?

[GunslingerRoland]

I consider myself to be a fairly empathetic person, able to put myself in a variety of people's shoes even if I haven't directly been in them. I know it's not perfect and I try to remember where I am in life, and take myself out of that situation.

 

Even though I've been in a relationship for almost 20 years, I remember being a young man unable to find a date, and so I think I can relate to those who are single (although for much more of their lives). I also have had relatives that were single for their whole lives and or many decades of their lives.

[Thisguy21]

I would take all advice in and find what works for me personally in my situation. I've never read advice on here, then looked at that persons post history to see who and what they claim to be before taking their advice to heart. Just because you are single doesn't mean you can't possibly give a single bit of good advice. And lots of married folks on here give horrible advice from time to time.

 

I do however notice when a BS or WS is projecting their own issues and insecurities onto another members thread. Your words can trigger them and then the advice they are giving has more to do with themselves then what the OP was asking in the first place. They take wild leaps and stabs in the dark because they are thinking of themselves more so then the questions asked in the first place. This is certainly something to be mindful of on this forum. Simply due to the fact the a lot of people found this forum due to infidelity in the first place. And a lot of them have a jaded view on every issue. For example any thread about a fight will ALWAYS result in someone saying "if they can do that to you, who knows what else they are doing behind your back" and "my guess is they are probably cheating on you, check your phone records" when the fight is about something entirely different. Again, wild stabs in the dark. Projecting their own insecurities on everyone else's situation. Be mindful of this and just ignore these posters. That's not to say they can't give sound advice either. They are a value to this community as well. We all give bad and good advice and we are all probably guilty of projecting on another's thread from time to time.

 

The great thing is you can just take what works for you in the end and give it a try. If it works, great! If it doesn't you will probably have a list of other things to try and fix your situation. Suggestions you would never have thought of on your own. Thats why this works for a lot of people because we are all different and think differently. When you are lost, bouncing ideas off of lots of people with different perspectives is about as good a way to get the lightbulb to click on as any I know of.

[IndigoNight]

I have no issue taking advice from a single person, anymore than I have an issue listening to advice from people of a different ethnicity, religious background, cultural background, and so forth. As long as they realize that if I disagree, it is typically because the advice does not suit my situation, and has nothing to do with their life choices, or them personally.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been on the forums forever now and there are some long term posters (now with new user names) that for whatever reason dislike me. If I sense an overly critical and malicious tone to the post, I will ignore the advice. It has nothing to do with that person being married or single, just that I sense it's personal and with intent to hurt me.

 

Other than that, some long term married posters give great advice on dating.

[carnelian]

The more important question here is whether long-married people can ever understand, really, singles, especially unattached singles. Sure, you can give free advice and some of it may be all right. Therapists, I believe are no better than everyone else at this, yet they are paid large sums. My own friends don't understand. It is like a man who has been working all his life, full time trying to understand someone who can't or won't hold a job or never worked. See what I mean?

[NTV]

It just depends on the question and the situation. I might not have been a single man for more than a decade but being married gives me some insight on how some women think.

 

And even if the advice I provide is a 50/50 gamble (I may be overestimating myself), my response at least tells you that you have been heard. And, depending on what I say back, possibly understood too.

 

Relationships are not like surgery where you probably should have some formal degree program to practice. But even in medicine you can have a doctor with 18 degrees tell you one thing, a fellow who went through the same medical problems say something else, and still come to a medical forum and get a whole bunch of people willing to hear your pain and anxiety and confusion and even try to suggest things that help.

 

If you discount posters based on marital status why not gender too? Why not age? Why not racial and ethnic background? Religion?

 

Where would you stop?

 

The beauty here is the wide range of interpretation and experience and everything else.

[somanymistakes]

Everyone comes from different backgrounds, we often don't even realise how different. Most posters don't go out of their way to remind you all the time how old they are, what culture they grew up in, etc. There are people here in their 20s and people in their 60s who probably have very different views on relationships and what's normal and expected, even if they live in the same country/state/whatever.

 

Part of why I'm addicted to sticking around the forums and arguing with people is that the culture I'm used to seems very different than most of what people talk about here, so both I want to find out what they think is normal AND I want to argue that it doesn't have to be that way.

 

I do try to remember that anything I think isn't true for everybody though.

[NTV]

Credibility is a thing. For example, if you are a guy here asking for advice on women, and the women who give you advice here are not the kind of women you are interested in, I would take that advice a little less to heart than I would if the advice came from someone that is more like the type of girl you'd look to date. I am sure that the same is true for the ladies.

 

But does that make the advice less valuable?

[NTV]

Idk. The more folks I hear from on a problem, even if their circumstances or experience wouldn't apply to mine the better I under the full picture, you know?