How to deal with my exbf-from-work's womanizing ways?

[beyondcrushed]

Exbf and I worked together. I ended it with him because he cheated on me and hit me. Throughout the relationship he was disrespectful and didn't value me or us. He flirted and made friends with all kinds of women (old, young, married, unmarried, mothers). I suspected he cheated with two women while with me. After finding flirty texts he had with a bartender, and him hitting me for not giving back his cell, it ended. It's been 3 years since and I've moved on to an awesome man. It's like night and day compared to my ex. This man treats me like gold and values me and us.

 

My ex and I have close mutual work friends. Our friends told me he told them that he did in fact sleep with that playdate mom and the bartender behind my back when we were together years ago. Lesson: Trust your gut.

 

Our friends also told me that my ex moved on, to someone else from work. They've lived together for over a year. He is now cheating on her with someone I work with directly. Lesson: Once a cheater always a cheater. My colleague he's cheating with is my team lead. They spend inordinate amounts of time together -- long coffee breaks, long lunchs, unexplained absences from work for the afternoon (usually lies about having appointment, car repair, home repair, traffic accident, road construction that takes longer than expected lol). Our mutual friends work directly with him and have expressed the same observations, absences and noticed how they flirt all the time. The exbf never comes to our office to see her because he knows I sit right beside her. The stories they've told me and our mutual friends, respectively, about their absences confirm for us that they were together. He even goes to lengths to be with her -- making his manager allow him to attend an out of town meeting with her even though he had no business going. Other people in our workplace also notice they spend alot of time together.

 

It's any wonder that his live-in gf doesn't know. His live-in gf called our mutual friends one night in a panic because he went out drinking and didn't come home the next morning. He never texted or called her to let her know he wouldn't be home. Lesson: Leopard cannot change its spots.

 

The fact his new lover (who i work with directly and talk to every day) is sleeping with my ex, is very distracting. His next victim just has to be my team lead, of all people, lol. Lesson: Don't s&%$ where you work or go to school. The best part is she is nasty to me at times -- indignant and dismissive. She complains and criticizes everyone she works with. I can only imagine how they talk about me behind my back. She is so smug. Thinks none the wiser while the reality is she's sneaking around.

 

Not sure how to handle this. I am usually ok but there are days it bothers me. Like today. Would love to call her out on her cheating in a subtle way to let her know she's another victim. But it's none of my business really and it will come to a natural end -- a tragic demise. Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

You ignore it. You talk to her about work. You say nothing about him. If she asks you about him you can tell her the truth but only if she asks. Even then be as delicate as possible. Don't volunteer anything. Don't gossip. You need to be on the high road on this one.

 

 

Consider polishing your resume. You really don't need a front row seat to this nonsense. A clean slate may be quite freeing.

[beyondcrushed]

Yup, def don't need a front seat lol. You are right, thanks for confirming what I already felt to be the right road. I will continue to be business and polite, and GTFO of this office. Thanks.

[smackie9]

Thank god you are going to mind your own business....so tired of people saying "If I was being cheated on I would want to know...." "He deserves to be found out, that rat bastard cheated on you!!!" "Oh sweet revenge!". Not. If he got caught it would just be a hiccup to him, and do it with someone else anyways. Narcissists/Sociopaths don't care.

[preraph]

Hey, this is great. Nothing like taking two people you know are nasty jerks and siccing them on each other. Sit serene in the knowledge these two will deteriorate each other's lives in ways you need never have to think about or deal with again.

[beyondcrushed]

He's pathological, def would just be a hiccup if found out. They will most certainly "deteriorate each other's lives" lol. Its all fun until it gets serious for one...."I want you all to myself","I wish we could spend a whole weekend together", "why did you celebrate your birthday with your wife and not me?", "are you really sleeping in separate beds", "you need to leave your husband/wife for me". Not to mention the possible guilt and double life to manage. Such idiots. Oh well, glad I'm in a much better place -- peaceful, happy life with a good man. Thanks everyone for your thoughts:)

[act00]

What worries me the most is when the s*** hits the fan. I'm assuming your supervisor knows you were once with him. It could blow up if she finds that you were well aware of his cheating but never said anything. A professional adult would not put fault on you and understand the circumstances, but this could very well blow up in your face. She seems a little unhinged as it is.

 

You are right to stay out of it. You are not in a position to warn her. It would merely be gossip at this point. You don't want to entangle yourself in your boss' love triangle. If this were a friend, you could warn them to "be careful," but even with a friendly coworker, you really have to be careful not to cross a boundary.

 

I think you would be wise to start seeking other employment.

[beyondcrushed]

Yup, I am trying to get out of this office as soon as possible. There is a risk she may get upset for me not warning her, but I think it's a low risk. More than likely he has told her how crazy jealous I was and how I thought he was cheating. If sh$# hits the fan with them, she will only realize I wasn't crazy and that i was probably right. (Ludicrous if she doesn't already realize he is a cheater, cheating with her and has zero integrity, lol. Such idiots!) Plus, she will be too focused on damage control -- at home and at work. Her power as my team lead is very little. She couldn't impact my job if she got upset. Besides, you are right, its not my place to warn her.

Edited May 11, 2017 by beyondcrushed

[smackie9]

Yup, I am trying to get out of this office as soon as possible. There is a risk she may get upset for me not warning her, but I think it's a low risk. More than likely he has told her how crazy jealous I was and how I thought he was cheating. If sh$# hits the fan with them, she will only realize I wasn't crazy and that i was probably right. (Ludicrous if she doesn't already realize he is a cheater, cheating with her and has zero integrity, lol. Such idiots!) Plus, she will be too focused on damage control -- at home and at work. Her power as my team lead is very little. She couldn't impact my job if she got upset. Besides, you are right, its not my place to warn her.

When you had involvement with said person, you are less likely to be taken seriously with your accusations, than a person that was never involved but was a witness or was confided in by the accused.

[beyondcrushed]

When you had involvement with said person, you are less likely to be taken seriously with your accusations, than a person that was never involved but was a witness or was confided in by the accused.

 

Unfair but true. Strange phenomenon considering those closest to someone would know them the best. Suppose most people will likely conclude its a lovers quarrel and he/she isn't like that or isn't that bad. And think that you are just venting or complaining.

[preraph]

Yup, I am trying to get out of this office as soon as possible. There is a risk she may get upset for me not warning her, but I think it's a low risk. More than likely he has told her how crazy jealous I was and how I thought he was cheating. If sh$# hits the fan with them, she will only realize I wasn't crazy and that i was probably right. (Ludicrous if she doesn't already realize he is a cheater, cheating with her and has zero integrity, lol. Such idiots!) Plus, she will be too focused on damage control -- at home and at work. Her power as my team lead is very little. She couldn't impact my job if she got upset. Besides, you are right, its not my place to warn her.

 

If she has the gall to get mad at you for not warning her, tell her since you work together, it would just be perceived as office gossip. She can't squawk much about it, given the circumstances. Or say, Hey, leave me out of it. I'm out and I'm glad I don't have to deal with him anymore.

[smackie9]

Unfair but true. Strange phenomenon considering those closest to someone would know them the best. Suppose most people will likely conclude its a lovers quarrel and he/she isn't like that or isn't that bad. And think that you are just venting or complaining.

It's because the one involved has something to gain from telling (like revenge) while the bystander has nothing to gain by it. So who would seem more credible?

[beyondcrushed]

Oh, that makes total sense that the bystander has nothing to gain. So true.

 

Just ran into him and her in a small group. Guess they are still working together on that project. They were waiting for the boardroom that I and other colleagues occupied for a meeting before them. I didnt' even look at him. We ignored each other. I paid no attention to my team lead but said hello to the others and kept walking back to my desk. I need to get out asap. lol. Ugh.