Still not over his frequent strip club visits

[Cilantro]

I am not sure what you are actually doing here.

Your husband attends strip clubs and spends your hard earned cash on lusting after other women whilst you are at home with a baby and your idea of punishment is to go to strip clubs yourself or present yourself as a candidate for stripper jobs?

 

This is very skewed thinking, it may lose you your teaching job and he won't care a damn. As soon as your back is turned he will resume his jaunts to strip clubs.

You are hurting yes, but all this drama you have planned will not make you feel any better

YOU chose the wrong man as a father for your child, he is not father material. What sort of a father takes the little money he has, which he should be spending on his child and home, and spends it in strip clubs?

The sooner you realise that and get him out of your life the better you will feel.

 

Let me get one thing straight here. I don't give one rat's ass about my stinky teaching job. That job is cheating on me too: it hasn't given any of us raises in 6 years, yet in the past year or two they've started hiring brand new teachers with equal education level and years of teaching experience as us, but for $10,000-$15,000/year more. So all of us loyal employees, who patiently waited for the possibility of raises and an actual union contract (our contract expired 4+ years ago and we still haven't gotten a new one, despite us continuing to be charged union fees on each paycheck), could have sought better employment elsewhere...but instead, we got "rewarded" for our hard work and faithfulness by getting figuratively cheated on. As a result, I QUIT! I gave my notice and I only have one week left at that job. Just like I believe in spiting a cheating spouse by cheating back, I've also cheated back on my unfaithful job; using my earned personal days to attend interviews and apply for jobs. I HATE being a teacher. It is even more thankless of a job than how you perceive my marriage.

 

My "logic" behind going to strip clubs is feeling eye for an eye, and getting the same opportunities at lust as him. Feeling even. Feeling like he's getting a kick in the teeth with a dose of his own medicine. When he opted to spend money and time on other girls instead of spending in on me, I felt anything but attractive and worthy. When guys will buy me food and drinks, and be willing to pay money to have me sit in their laps, I will feel like they see me as lust worthy. No I'm not looking for stupid sentimentality, just want to know that I'm sexy and lustful and even the playing field.

[mercy]

Stronger than the lover's love is lover's hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make. Euripides, Medea

[Superchicken]

You have some serious issues.

Don't take it like "Your Crazy", but, like you have a LOT on your mind.

You let out a little at a time about your life, and the more we read, the more we "Do" actually feel really crap on how you got shafted.

 

 

Your man really, really stuffed you over pretty bad.

Work, yeah, some do not get the recognition, and pay scale they deserve.

 

 

But, you need to at least, give yourself some time to make sure the decisions you outlined, are best for you and your kids.

Your H doesn't deserve anything, sorry, he does, Kick between the legs a few times, and should NOT be part of your future anymore.

He has taken you to a point, short of homicide. You need to live a free and again, healthy life.

 

 

Its your life, your decisions, but, would you at least wait a week before doing anything that you may regret later.

If after a week, you feel the same, then do what you want. Its your life, and live it best you want.

 

 

You can pluck me (Wait, yep, spelt it right) if you like, but at least, I may have add a few days to your drastic "Change" in life.

 

 

Last note, your safety must come first, so make sure someone knows where you are, or going too when your venting during the nights.

There are so many wacko's out there, and so be careful.

 

 

Ted.

Edited June 6, 2017 by Superchicken

[Miss Peach]

Your SO is being a tool. So even though I know it's difficult, I would focus on what you need to make yourself strong even if it means to be without him. Pump up your career. Be able to be self-sufficient without him if he gets out of line. Do what YOU need. Whether that's get a new job, lose weight, etc. Focus on yourself and get things in line so you don't need him if necessary.

 

Right now your relationship doesn't sound healthy and it's not going to be a good example for your baby.

 

I know it sucks but I had an XH who was very disrespectful and hurt me a lot. I left him and I am so happy I left. I have thrived without him. He held me back so much. I'm not saying it should be your first choice but if the disrespect keeps up I would consider removing yourself from the situation.

 

As far as men are concerned, it sounds like your SO is pushing the limits of your relationship and disrespecting you. Being bitchy does help reign that in a bit but it also makes them secretive. Also if they are getting punished for one thing, they figure let's go out with a bang.

 

I tried something different with my strip club addict BF. I actually pushed him to be completely open with me. I even made jokes and held him through his 'confession'. But then I let him know calmly what about it hurt me and pushed him to tell me what is being faithful mean to him,why can he do things he wouldn't want me to do, etc. I really pushed him to think about what he wasn't thinking about and called BS on his flimsy excuses. But I never raised my voice. I did it from a place of strength. I did it with the attitude 'if you can't learn how to treat me well then I have no business with you'. I haven't kept him from the clubs in general but I made him promise it would be a team event in the future. I made him realize it's not the club that bothered me but the way he treated me - that he was the one who soured me to it.

 

It's only been about 2 months but so far BF has done a 180. I'm waiting to see if it keeps up. I will be gone if it happens again.

Edited June 6, 2017 by Miss Peach

[Cilantro]

You have some serious issues.

Don't take it like "Your Crazy", but, like you have a LOT on your mind.

You let out a little at a time about your life, and the more we read, the more we "Do" actually feel really crap on how you got shafted.

 

 

Your man really, really stuffed you over pretty bad.

Work, yeah, some do not get the recognition, and pay scale they deserve.

 

 

But, you need to at least, give yourself some time to make sure the decisions you outlined, are best for you and your kids.

Your H doesn't deserve anything, sorry, he does, Kick between the legs a few times, and should NOT be part of your future anymore.

He has taken you to a point, short of homicide. You need to live a free and again, healthy life.

 

 

Its your life, your decisions, but, would you at least wait a week before doing anything that you may regret later.

If after a week, you feel the same, then do what you want. Its your life, and live it best you want.

 

 

You can pluck me (Wait, yep, spelt it right) if you like, but at least, I may have add a few days to your drastic "Change" in life.

 

 

Last note, your safety must come first, so make sure someone knows where you are, or going too when your venting during the nights.

There are so many wacko's out there, and so be careful.

 

 

Ted.

 

Thank you. I can't wait a week though when I've been definitive about what I need and want for literal MONTHS now, over a year actually. My job is literally making me crazy and the more time I stay, the more convinced I am that I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I only pursued this job for money, as I was in a huge financial slump after a layoff and I thought teachers made decent money and were always in demand. This was before my district had their 6 year salary freeze.

[Cilantro]

Your SO is being a tool. So even though I know it's difficult, I would focus on what you need to make yourself strong even if it means to be without him. Pump up your career. Be able to be self-sufficient without him if he gets out of line. Do what YOU need. Whether that's get a new job, lose weight, etc. Focus on yourself and get things in line so you don't need him if necessary.

 

Right now your relationship doesn't sound healthy and it's not going to be a good example for your baby.

 

I know it sucks but I had an XH who was very disrespectful and hurt me a lot. I left him and I am so happy I left. I have thrived without him. He held me back so much. I'm not saying it should be your first choice but if the disrespect keeps up I would consider removing yourself from the situation.

 

As far as men are concerned, it sounds like your SO is pushing the limits of your relationship and disrespecting you. Being bitchy does help reign that in a bit but it also makes them secretive. Also if they are getting punished for one thing, they figure let's go out with a bang.

 

I tried something different with my strip club addict BF. I actually pushed him to be completely open with me. I even made jokes and held him through his 'confession'. But then I let him know calmly what about it hurt me and pushed him to tell me what is being faithful mean to him,why can he do things he wouldn't want me to do, etc. I really pushed him to think about what he wasn't thinking about and called BS on his flimsy excuses. But I never raised my voice. I did it from a place of strength. I did it with the attitude 'if you can't learn how to treat me well then I have no business with you'. I haven't kept him from the clubs in general but I made him promise it would be a team event in the future. I made him realize it's not the club that bothered me but the way he treated me - that he was the one who soured me to it.

 

It's only been about 2 months but so far BF has done a 180. I'm waiting to see if it keeps up. I will be gone if it happens again.

 

Thank you. Unfortunately, right now in order to change careers to something that actually pays enough to cover bills, I am rather dependent on my husband right now, for sharing bills and watching our children while I'm at work and class (we work opposing shifts since we currently cannot afford childcare on my fixed income teacher salary; and no we are not eligible for govt assistance even though we're struggling). That is why I'm seeking an open marriage and letting myself do what I want, because I don't want to have to suffer--either financially or emotionally--because of hurtful stuff my husband did. I know of women who stayed with cheating husbands and "sucked it up" for the sake of keeping the family together for the kids, or so they could afford to get through school, etc. I don't want to have to swallow my pride like that, which is why I don't feel qualms about going behind his back if that's what it takes to feel more confident and not so depressed anymore.

[Superchicken]

Geez, you sound so much calmer now.

Have you thought about Private tutoring ?.

Advertise in the local paper, and provide a service.

I know its still the same sort of job, but, you are your own boss, and work the hours you want.

Best of all, you control everything.

This can be a part time job, and can earn you a little extra cash to help keep up with your expenses, rather than scrape and scream for everything.

 

 

As for your full time job, I hope you have something in the pipe works, as if you don't, then you will be in more financial problems..

 

 

Ted.

[Rach_and_roll]

an eye for an eye makes everyone blind. It wont make you feel better. The matter of fact is your husband acted an ass and really hurt you and im very sorry. id consider saving all that money your considering for strip club spending for divorce.

[Cilantro]

an eye for an eye makes everyone blind. It wont make you feel better. The matter of fact is your husband acted an ass and really hurt you and im very sorry. id consider saving all that money your considering for strip club spending for divorce.

 

With all due respect...wrong. It would and HAS made me feel better. I've since been a nicer spouse, more calm, more sympathetic and forgiving towards the idea that people may stray. I've also felt more confident in myself, knowing that I actually have a chance to go for someone and someone that's even better looking than my husband. He got grinded on (and who knows what else, come on let's not be naive here) by strippers who were skinnier and most likely younger than my chubby self in the last year? That had me feeling anything but elegant and attractive in comparison. Well, turns out male strippers are thinner than he is. Two can play that game.

 

So I disagree with you wholeheartedly when you say it doesn't make me feel better. I felt guilty about what I did only for the first day or two, until I kept looking back at the analytical spreadsheet I'd created a few months back detailing all 47 of his strip club ventures, in chronological order with dates and times. Every time I looked at that, I felt less and less guilty...especially when I realized that many of the dates synched up with major holidays (he literally lied about going to work on Christmas night and Easter Eve, to go to strip clubs, or at least to go for an hour or two before heading to work; he works for a mail delivery company so it's plausible he'd work before or right after holidays, but he still lied). And then I also looked back at that spreadsheet and realized that only 3 days after I was stuck going to court and paying off HUGE fines--for parking tickets he racked up in my name with my car and failed to tell me about, ultimately sticking me with the burden of paying tickets, late fees, and a slew of bench warrant fees--he went to another strip club, further depleting our household budget when he already owed me $100s for the tickets I was stuck paying for like a fool at court. That made me angry all over again. So no, I do not feel guilty for what I did. I feel justified. In fact, I wish I did it sooner and I wish I did more than what I actually did. Heck, even my close friend told me beforehand that she cannot blame me if I end up cheating, just from the parking ticket lies situation alone...and that was before she knew most of the other dirt I'd divulged about my husband on here...and she's usually the type who's against cheating too. Other people I told the situation about my husband said similar. Ah well, Father's Day weekend is coming up. I see how he always used the eve of holidays to go to strip clubs...if the shoe fits...-

 

Just the mere idea of staying loyal to someone who is not loyal to me, then ponying up money for a lawyer when HE'S the one at fault so HE should be the one to pay all damages, is just...maddening. No way. Ick. No.

 

It took taking matters into my own hands (literally? figuratively?) for me to realize that I need to stand up for myself more. I am going to have a talk with him about having an open marriage. I'm done trying to be the Faithful Wife, and now that I've evened the playing field, I don't want to even bother trying to trust someone who is too broken to be trusted. At this point I do not even see him as a real spouse, more just a legal spouse who's a live-in friend-with-benefits coparent. We get along fine as friends, sex partners, and parents of our children. We help each other around the house, as we're better at different things (e.g., I'm better with cooking and cleaning, whereas he's better with handyman repair type stuff). But I refuse to put my trust into someone who is broken. Also, looking at other people opened the floodgates and has made me desire and lust for others in a way that is irreversible. That happened several other times years back, each time I was either cheated on and/or became single, I'd start lusting and realizing I didn't want to be tied down...tied down?...yawn boring. I told my counselor I want to bring up the open marriage proposition at our next couples session but he's not in favor of being in the middle of that discussion. I guess I'll have to do it on my own time then.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Cilantro

[Cilantro]

 

 

As for your full time job, I hope you have something in the pipe works, as if you don't, then you will be in more financial problems..

 

 

Ted.

 

A lot of colleagues at work are happy for me that I'm quitting because they see how miserable I've been all year at my job. I don't just hate my job and the limiting, insufficient fixed income salary, but I also feel like a very ineffective, disrespected teacher. My principal hasn't had one nice thing to say about my teaching all year. I never scored an A+ in classroom management (after a decade of teaching experience, I really do believe that overall classroom management is something you either have or you don't; some aspects can be learned and refined, and most people have the potential to eventually improve with it, but there's some people with personality types who just aren't cut out for it)...but I always had decent evaluations in the past. This year...the evaluations got more and more critical, even with the same principal who'd given me good evaluations last year. I felt like I was constantly underwater between paperwork, young children, and all the strife and depression I had about my marriage situation at home. Lookswise I've aged about 12 years in the past 1...my "before" and "after" pics from last summer to now literally look like the "before" and "after" mugshots on those memes showing the gradual effects of crack, meth, or opiate usage. No joke. That's no way to live one's life.

 

I feel sorry that my coworkers haven't gotten to know the true me, the normal me, who is happy-go-lucky, good sense of humor, and creative. The girl who always looked young for her age and vibrant...not the run-down, wrinkled, double-chinned girl who looks like an "after" mugshot, who lost the twinkle in her eye. I feel embarrassed that my coworkers might never know that good side of me, to see that twinkle. Truthfully, I started to get that twinkle back momentarily when I was at the club last week. I dolled myself up, wore a tight waist cincher, looked and felt great. I feel more and more like Kevin Spacey's character Lester in American Beauty. He is like the slightly older male version of me, except I would never ever go for an underage teen, especially after being a teacher (although I will say the guys at the club were in their 20s, about 10 years younger than me haha).

 

As for a job...I will admit I had nothing definite lined up at the time I gave my notice. I was more concerned about just getting out, esp when not 1 but 3 colleagues advised me to consider leaving teaching just to get my head together and get my health back on track (my physical health has deteriorated in the last year, from the job stress, financial stress, and marriage stress). They didn't want me ending up like some of their former colleagues, one who ended up in the mental hospital after breaking down from all the stress of being a new father + overworked/underappreciated teacher. I just wanted out of the field. I gave notice without a job because if I gave notice by a certain date, it allowed me the option to extend my family health insurance benefits several months longer for no additional cost. I figured I'd find something, anything, that nets close to or more than the money I'm already making as a teacher, given my skills and wide variety of experience in office, business, tutoring, and food service/bartending. I wouldn't need to find something until September since my school year's salary is spread throughout the next summer. Now I have something in the works starting this summer.

[Cilantro]

Bump........

[Superchicken]

Hi Cilantro,

I sent you a PM with some hints on types of jobs to seek. Hope you got it.

 

 

However, how are you coping a week after ?.

Further, seems we have left out how your kids are.

Do they see anything going on ?, as kids these days are like little Sherlock's..

 

 

As for yourself, I would assume your stress level would start to go up again, as looking at no employment for the time being would do that.

 

 

Last, of course, how is Gonzo doing..

Has he been staying at home, or at least behaving himself.

 

 

Ted.

[perfect123456]

I think a strip club should not be considered as a cheating place)) it's an innocent nightlife experience, no actual cheating! I've been to one in Saint Petersburg, it was called Zavist. I wouldn't consider it cheating)))

[Cilantro]

I think a strip club should not be considered as a cheating place)) it's an innocent nightlife experience, no actual cheating! I've been to one in Saint Petersburg, it was called Zavist. I wouldn't consider it cheating)))

 

That's great that you think so, over in Russia. Not sure if your post was sarcastic or not. Normally strip clubs aren't an issue, but they DO become an issue when a lot of money is spent out of the household budget, and when it's done behind the other spouse's back, and when it leads to him soliciting a stripper for sex, then buying condoms in anticipation of getting sex. Innocent people don't do those things. Innocent people would bring their spouses along for the fun if the spouse requested. I suggested my interest in attending a strip club multiple times to him, while I was clueless to the fact that he'd been already going to strip clubs that entire time. He turned me down, while continuing to go behind my back. Even worse, he continued to go to clubs even after I caught on to his dalliances and had expressed my anger and resentment at him going. Furthermore, he invited our neighbors and close friends to go with him, all done in secrecy behind my back. Not one friend told me this until many many months later, when I got one female friend to admit it to me when she was in a rather vulnerable state (she'd been recently cheated on herself and lost a lot of friends as a result, so she needed a girl to bond and relate with).

 

So let's recap: he knew I wanted to go to strip clubs for fun but rejected going with me, then went behind my back; later he knew I was angry about him going to strip clubs without me, but continued to go anyway, while lying about it and also minimizing his past club visits (said he went twice when it, was actually 47 times); then he clued in seemingly everyone but me into his strip club ventures, while still leaving me out. He invited our friends to go with him while I was at work, working the job I hated so much but begrudgingly kept just for the sake of trying to support my family, and while our kids were at daycare, which I was the one paying for with my paltry paychecks from my thankless job! Do you really think that's so innocent now??

 

I told my husband I'm entitled to make him take me to the same strip club now. Actually, a new male friend suggested I do this as a test (he said if my husband says no, then that's a sign my husband was doing bad stuff there). I also told my husband I'm applying for jobs as a bartender at many of these clubs, then told him that if he doesn't let me go, I'm divorcing him. I'm calling all the shots now and I feel entitled to do this for a long time after what he put me through. Oh and I made plans to go to a few clubs with a male friend tomorrow... He knows he can't stop me because I have too much to dangle over his head now. What else... The Magic Mike tour is coming yo my town soon, and I'm going to that. I feel entitled.

[Cilantro]

Long story short, it's not necessarily the strip club itself that's in poor taste, it's :

- the dishonesty about going

- overspending money that we can't afford to spend

- asking other girls for sex

- planning to have sex with other girls (buying condoms)

- going back to clubs after he knew I was angry upon finding the condoms and in turn getting him to admit (only over many months of me prying it out of him, I. E. "Trickle truth") he had hoped to have sex with the other girls there

- inviting seemingly all our mutual friends to the club except me (which is just plain mean, using a middle school girl friendship clique way of excluding me)