Still not over his frequent strip club visits

[Cilantro]

And I was hoping it was just cause I was funny... I'll have to try harder next time.

 

Wait this is next time? I thought I'd get more time to prepare.....

 

47 visits to the strip club is alot. That's like going once a week for a whole year. You're right to be angry. 20 bucks a visit is probably underestimating but that'd be at least almost a grand that could have been spent on the kiddo. That's a lot of diapers missing in action. Well, we know how diapers get used so... I guess dollar bills in butt cracks isn't so different.

 

And that time could have been spent with his family. That's a lot of time. At an underestimate of 30 mind a visit he could have taught the kiddo to read. Or given you a back rub. But I guess he was funding someone else's education so... at least he was supporting literacy.

 

I get where you're coming from. He showed zero loyalty so why should you? If it's okay for him it's okay for you. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. What goes in rotisserie duck is orange slices.... er, sorry guess I ran out of good ways to say it. I get it, though.

 

As far as the flirting? Sorry if that was too much. I know what it feels like to be betrayed. I know my self confidence took a huge nosedive. I wasn't trying to be sexist as much as build you up. In that first year, situational depression can make you feel insane, and every one I know that's been through it agrees... you need all the happiness you can find. So I guess I was just trying to help a little with that.

 

And if it helps the folks here know that I love a good joke. Especially fart jokes. Any time I can slip one out, it just can't be helped.

 

As far as going to a strip club yourself? I don't see why not. You aren't trying to build up the marriage. You don't owe him anything. It's something you want. Heck I think most adults enjoy a sexy person they find attractive wiggling crotch in their face. Long as it smells good, right?

 

I am not trying to talk you out of going. I don't have any investment in you improving what is probably only a legality of a marriage. I do want to see you heal from this.

 

When I found out my wife cheated on Ashley Madison.... yes, part of healing was me making an account to see what that website was all about. I didn't contact anyone from it or anything but I did see. And I don't think your desire to go is that much different. But I could be wrong. Let me know.

 

Thank you NTV. No, you're not sexist and no, your flirting was not wrong! I appreciated it!! The person who I called wrong was Chicken something. He falsely assumed/accused me of likely flirting with men before I was ever even aware of my husband's dalliances. Not true. He also called me out on flirting back with you, while ignoring the fact that what I said wasn't all that bad, especially compared to the things you were saying (which again, I'm not offended by in the least!!).

 

I am sorry you got cheated on by your wife, but I am relieved that I have someone who can relate to me and emphathize with me. I'm sorry to say, but I really do feel like I called it correctly ahead of time with that Willy Wonka meme I made towards that other poster haha. She started prattling on and on about being "successful," when her idea of becoming "successful" involved staying with some dude who was not only a serial cheater but an abusive cheater too. Only divorcing him once she had a lot of money that he could siphon out of her via spousal support and/or alimony. Super smart, right? Haha. Then she starts spitting out quotes from a world renown cheater who had a Madonna whore complex (which is one of my biggest pet peeves, Madonna whore complexes that is, because I've been put in that hypocritically sexless plight by exes in the past, multiple times over). I'm guessing the successful business she started is not related to rocket science? LOL.

[Cilantro]

Also, NTV, I want to say I agree with you about making dating site profiles "just to see what it's about" with no real intention to contact anyone or anything. I've done the same thing in recent months. Last year when I had no escape from the house to retaliate on him for his strip club outings, I made an Ashley Madison profile just so I could flirt from home and do online equivalents of the stuff my husband had likely done. Often I would only make a profile as a front in hopes my husband would find it online when he would log into his. Yes, he made a few dating site profiles too, except they were on those scammy hookup dating sites run by porn sites, where you can't do anything at all unless you pay a membership. some of those sites allow women to message people and read messages for free, whereas they make the men pay (sexism), probably because those types of sites attract a lot more men than women so they want more women to use their site. So I was able to see that he never actually contacted anyone, and didn't really try to either since it involved paying and all this legwork just to set up payment. But it still hurt he did that. So I made profiles. I even made a few troll profiles as a test to see if he would reach out and flirt, or if anyone else would, or to compare how my own pictures do with attracting men compared to that of my troll/decoy profiles. Sometimes I even uploaded naked headless pictures of myself and used a fake name, just to see what guys' reactions were (by the way they message me if at all), if I was ugly or attractive. No one knew it was me and there was no face or name attached, so no consequence for me lol. I admit to doing those things. My husband doesn't know about most of this. But it didn't start until months AFTER he did stuff himself.

[PinkPampies]

I was trying to help and you're angry at me?! A stranger who was reaching out to help... you posted on an Internet forum asking for advice.

 

For the record, I gave him not one red cent of alimony. He pays me child support.

 

You are going to need all the help you can get. Truly in all senses. Your bitterness will turn your soul black. I pray for you.

[NTV]

The other posters you mentioned might not be friendly to the idea of you going to a strip club or nonjudgmental or come from a situation that you would find yourself in BUT they do mean well. I have met very few folks here that have posted for malicious reasons.

 

And its good to know I didn't offend you... so... I think I'm going to hafta come back in an hour or so to respond more. Enough time to stop thinking about naked pictures of hot teachers anyway...

[bluefeather]

Open your marriage. You don't think you can survive separated, and you are cheating behind eachother's backs. So don't hide your desires anymore. And tell him not to hide his, since it will only create more bitterness and betrayal. You have decided to seek companionship elsewhere, as he has, so it sounds like the next best thing is an agreement. An open arrangement. Maybe you can even bring it up with a counselor, and him present.

[kendahke]

Last year when I was home with our new baby on unpaid maternity leave, apparently he was going to local strip clubs midday and after work. I knew he visited clubs a lot in the years before I met him but I assumed that was in his past.

 

what were the circumstances and his feelings about you becoming pregnant? Was he not visiting strip clubs before the baby was conceived, but once you had the child, he began visiting them again?

 

From what you've written, this sounds like the genesis of him returning to this type of behavior.

[NTV]

So can you tell us about the marriage counseling? Who initiated? Does your husband go willingly? Does he participate? What is the goal? Why do you go?

[preraph]

If you are planning to divorce him, you shouldn't go copying his behavior or his behavior and waste of that money will have no importance in court on the settlement or the custody if he can say you're both doing the same thing. So at least hold off until you are done with the legal wrangling and then do whatever you want.

[Space Ritual]

I was trying to help and you're angry at me?! A stranger who was reaching out to help... you posted on an Internet forum asking for advice.

 

Well just remember more people than not come here looking for someone to empathize with them initially when they arrive. We can only dispense advice based on our collective experience. The OP is under no obligation to take anyone's advice, and free to cherry pick to her heart's desire. It should never be an ounce of skin off your ass when someone rails on you. I only post with ill intent when I feel someone needs a wakeup call, which in my experience seems to be more men than women that need it, based on the emasculation and the subsequent denials of it.

 

Do I let it bother me when i get the "You don't know me and my situation is unique"? Routine.

 

Not in the least. Because we've seen the movie before and bought a large Mountain Dew at intermission to keep us awake because we already know how it ends.

Some need to experience the collapse of their Grand Strategy first hand in order for them to realize we only mean well.

 

Some of the New arrivals are unable to take our word for it that the light they may see at the end of a tunnel could be an oncoming train. OP isn't the first and she won't be the last. So don't take the admonitions of the recently scorned personally:)

[PinkPampies]

Well just remember more people than not come here looking for someone to empathize with them initially when they arrive. We can only dispense advice based on our collective experience. The OP is under no obligation to take anyone's advice, and free to cherry pick to her heart's desire. It should never be an ounce of skin off your ass when someone rails on you. I only post with ill intent when I feel someone needs a wakeup call, which in my experience seems to be more men than women that need it, based on the emasculation and the subsequent denials of it.

 

Do I let it bother me when i get the "You don't know me and my situation is unique"? Routine.

 

Not in the least. Because we've seen the movie before and bought a large Mountain Dew at intermission to keep us awake because we already know how it ends.

Some need to experience the collapse of their Grand Strategy first hand in order for them to realize we only mean well.

 

Some of the New arrivals are unable to take our word for it that the light they may see at the end of a tunnel could be an oncoming train. OP isn't the first and she won't be the last. So don't take the admonitions of the recently scorned personally:)

 

I've followed your story and your posts. You must be old and wizened like me.

 

I could not have said it better. No skin off my back. Just been in the op's position and was trying to help guide her. But, as you know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

[Cilantro]

what were the circumstances and his feelings about you becoming pregnant? Was he not visiting strip clubs before the baby was conceived, but once you had the child, he began visiting them again?

 

From what you've written, this sounds like the genesis of him returning to this type of behavior.

 

He wanted this most recent baby and was beyond thrilled when I got pregnant! We hadn't really talked about having a baby, just said someday in a few years. The pregnancy was a surprise. After I got pregnant, he admitted he wanted me to get pregnant. I told him he should have told me that, because I would have been receptive to the idea anyway.

 

He started visiting strip clubs long before the baby was born, before I ever met him. In his late teens and 20s. Also partied and drank with his hard partying male friends at that time too. From how he and his mom tells it, he went to strip clubs quite a lot, irresponsibly spent a lot of money, which outraged his parents to no end. Dated at least 1 or 2 strippers at some point. Then stopped going when he also stopped doing other stupid young boy things such as drinking and partying. That was all before I met him. He was super loyal when we dated and got married. Very supportive of my pregnancy.

 

Looking at the gps data I've compiled on him, he didn't go to strip clubs until the very end of the pregnancy and it was in spurts here and there. It seems he first went to a strip club again for the first time in years when he went with my cousin and a few other guys on a guys night out. It was my cousin's idea, to see some female friends who happened to work there. He told me about this at some point, probably because he had nothing to hide and was there just hanging out with my cousin. (and probably also because he thought my cousin would bring it up at some point?) I didn't care, because I too used to visit strip clubs and only stopped going because of money. I cheerfully told him I wish they'd brought me along, esp since I knew a few people who worked there too, but he just let that idea fall by the wayside. In fact, any time I suggested we have a "adults strip club night" on a night the in-laws have the kids, he's rejected the idea (feigning disinterest) or let the idea fall by the wayside.

 

But that one (presumably honest) isolated club visit with my cousin and cousin's friends was the only one, until 3 months later, near the end of my pregnancy. He began going to strip clubs for 30-60mins at a time, usually during lunch or happy hour/late afternoon. This occurred not long after he started flirting to some of my cousin's friends who initiated convo with him on social media. I found the flirty chatter a month or so later, but did not know about the strip clubs. How could I, when I was at work 1.5hrs away all day and grading papers all night? Again, I can only go by gps. The last strip club visit was a few days before my due date. The whole time I was in the hospital post delivery, he did not go, even though he had ample opportunity to. Then about a week after the birth when I was home and recovering from illness on antibiotics, he started going again. This was around the time he started hounding me for sex, yes at only 1 week postpartum and while I was sick. Around that time he also bought condoms but never used any of them, not even months later. Still not sure if he bought them because he was actually looking to cheat, or if he bought them for us since we both agreed that this newest baby would be our last and he was wanting sex. And TMI but if you're wondering, our sex life did resume back to normal and a lot sooner than most couples do postpartum. But the strip club visits continued and increased.

 

 

 

So can you tell us about the marriage counseling? Who initiated? Does your husband go willingly? Does he participate? What is the goal? Why do you go?

 

Sigh. I've written so much already! Where do I begin...ok, I was the one who suggested marriage counseling, immediately upon discovering his flirty online convos, near the end of my pregnancy. He agreed. I wasted no time getting us in counseling because as a teacher, I've learned at professional development that for effective classroom management, you need to use appropriate consequences and implement them immediately. That's why I didn't wait until after the birth to find a counselor. We went to 2 different counselors and while they both seemed good at first, the one ended up being ineffective. That was the one who we saw for most of last year when the other one was out on sabbatical. I grew to dislike that counselor because he kept rugsweeping and telling me that I didn't need to know the full truth. I felt like he was hiding stuff from me, tricking me into being a doormat, and helping my husband more than me. He was young and new to the profession. I also saw an independent counselor during that time from the same place as the ineffective guy. She was super nice like a little sister, not really what I was going for at all, and also not effective. Eventually we got to see the other counselor and then we each started seeing him for individual counseling too. While I like this therapist, and he's been more firm about stuff--such as making my husband give me full transparency and access to his cell phone, I still have doubts as to how much my husband is getting out of it. I say this because my husband has literally flirted with a girl before, during, and after one session. Another time when I was at work, he had a morning therapy appointment and stopped at the strip club immediately after for lunch. Things like that. I guess that says a lot more about the uselessness of my husband than of the therapist...

 

 

 

Open your marriage. You don't think you can survive separated, and you are cheating behind eachother's backs. So don't hide your desires anymore. And tell him not to hide his, since it will only create more bitterness and betrayal. You have decided to seek companionship elsewhere, as he has, so it sounds like the next best thing is an agreement. An open arrangement. Maybe you can even bring it up with a counselor, and him present.

 

Thanks and I agree with you. I am thinking this too. I want to try swinging as a couple at the club I keep talking about but never actually entering haha. I'm not sure he would ever let an open arrangement happen. He'll probably cry, say it hurts him to think of me being with another man let alone watch me with another man at a swingers club, and then he'll swear off strip clubs. (Yeah let's see how long that lasts for) He is like a relapsed drug addict but with porn and strip clubs. I see how hypocritically livid and hurt he got when I told him each time about that one contact-less happy hour date I had at the cafe. In my opinion he has no right to get mad about that when he's gotten naked girls lapdancing on him. So not sure how he'd feel. Not sure what my therapist would say either.

 

Also, I admit there's part of me that wants the naughty girl thrill of sneaking behind his back, and because I think he deserves it, truthfully. When I sneaked behind his back for littler indiscretions before (e.g., flirting online or that contact-less happy hour cafe date), it seemed to teach him to stay on his toes, serving as a threat of sorts, and in turn decreased his strip club visits. I feel like he "relapses" again right when I start to stop pestering, acting jealous, and worrying about what he's up to. What's that saying? Nice girls finish last. Yup. Story of my life! And if he doesn't let me get a "hall pass" or an open marriage, then I don't want to stay with him nor will I respect his commands to stay loyal in spite of everything. I will still do what I want to do. I refuse to stay faithful to someone who hasn't been faithful to me in the time I've been with him, whether it's in the past or not. So yeah I know this sounds naughty but I want to go behind his back first and get my cheap thrills, then once I feel we're even, start working towards amicable reconciliation in the form of an agreement to an open marriage.

[Cilantro]

Do I let it bother me when i get the "You don't know me and my situation is unique"? Routine.

 

Not in the least. Because we've seen the movie before and bought a large Mountain Dew at intermission to keep us awake because we already know how it ends.

Some need to experience the collapse of their Grand Strategy first hand in order for them to realize we only mean well.

 

Some of the New arrivals are unable to take our word for it that the light they may see at the end of a tunnel could be an oncoming train. OP isn't the first and she won't be the last. So don't take the admonitions of the recently scorned personally:)

 

Ok so you think I'm not any different than all the others who claim they're different and they know what they're doing. Okay then. Are you aware that people said this stuff to me 12 years ago when I was cheated on by an ex-boyfriend? They said to stop worrying about revenge cheating and stuff, to swallow my pride, still treat the cheater with human courtesy, blah blah. I didn't listen. I never got to revenge cheat in time...trust me I tried hard to, especially since I discovered all the cheatings on St. Patrick's Day of all days, one of the biggest party days of the year, but no guys at any of the bars my friend and I went to were interested in me. But I did engage in revenge rebounds and that honestly helped me more than moping around at home after the bars on St. Patrick's Day ever did. I continued to casually pick up guys, calling myself a "swinger" (before I really knew what swinging was haha), and went on to have the...best...year...of...my...life. I still look back at that year so fondly, the way Kevin Spacey's character Lester in American Beauty looked back at his youth summers.

 

Unlike most girls, I am actually capable of sex without love. I have no qualms about casual sex. When I was younger, I used to brag about who and how many people I've "scored". I was as bad as the male college jocks and frat boys! I also used to exaggerate the number of people I'd been with, and if a disrespectful guy really pissed me off and/or rejected me in an unfriendly way, my secret "revenge" was to spread false stories about how I "scored" with him too. At one time within the years prior to meeting my husband I did, mostly because I wanted children and felt that children should be born into a married, 2-parent household where each parent actually knows who the mother/father of their children are haha. And I didn't want to catch any STDs that could hinder me from being able to have children. At that point, I went multiple years without sex--not by choice--and it was mortifying. I learned my lesson to NEVER let it get that bad ever again. So again, you do not know how I tick. Obviously not with chastity rings, that's for sure.

[Cilantro]

I've followed your story and your posts. You must be old and wizened like me.

 

I could not have said it better. No skin off my back. Just been in the op's position and was trying to help guide her. But, as you know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

Thank you, and no I'm not ANGRY at you, I just think your advice was rather foolish and inapplicable for me. To talk to a potentially cheated-on wife about success, while quoting a known serial cheater and talking about your situation as "successful" after you put up with an abusive serial cheater for so many years, doesn't make good sense to me. And that's before getting into how my personality is definitely NOT wired for being loyal to a cheater regardless simply because it's what a moral lady is supposed to do or anything else. If you read my other posts, you'll see that I have a personality more like Stiffler from American Pie put in a female's body. But anyhoo.

[PinkPampies]

Thank you, and no I'm not ANGRY at you, I just think your advice was rather foolish and inapplicable for me. To talk to a potentially cheated-on wife about success, while quoting a known serial cheater and talking about your situation as "successful" after you put up with an abusive serial cheater for so many years, doesn't make good sense to me. And that's before getting into how my personality is definitely NOT wired for being loyal to a cheater regardless simply because it's what a moral lady is supposed to do or anything else. If you read my other posts, you'll see that I have a personality more like Stiffler from American Pie put in a female's body. But anyhoo.

 

You're not getting it Cilantro. Yes, I stayed because I was unable to leave at the time, like yourself. So instead of cheating back, adding flames to fire, and affecting my children and home life even more, I worked on myself.

 

You think it foolish to stay with a cheater? That's exactly what your plan is! Except you're going to justify cheating back and further destroying your marriage because he is a 'potential cheater'. I hate to tell you, but your plan is going to make your situation much, much worse. And getting a job at a strip club so you can get the attention you think you deserve and to "show him up"? That's not going to make him sit and think about what he's losing with you. It's going to give him more ammo to do more damage.

 

What exactly do you accomplish by cheating back? Do you think it will hurt him? I guarantee he will be hurt more if he sees you move on, become successful and indifferent and get past him. Cheaters are different.

 

I rose above. That's what the success quote was about. I don't care if you accept advice or not because you don't agree with it, but claiming that I am "foolish" couldn't be farther from the truth.

 

ALL of our actions shape us and our future. You get from the universe what you put in. If you think cheating back is going to magically fix your situation you couldn't be further from the truth.

[NTV]

So if the marriage counseling doesn't do anything to improve the marriage, why go?

 

And stiffler in a female body... Stifflett?

[Cilantro]

You're not getting it Cilantro. Yes, I stayed because I was unable to leave at the time, like yourself. So instead of cheating back, adding flames to fire, and affecting my children and home life even more, I worked on myself.

 

No. Haha. You're not getting it. I already told you how and why my children would be affected MORE if I stay and DON'T cheat than if I do. I already detailed in one of my 1000 other long posts on this long thread, all about the obsessive depressive state I've been in for the past year or so that I've known about my husband lusting after other women. Yes, I've sought out therapy...detailed that in an earlier post too. No, I'm not on medication although I've tried it before and it did absolutely nothing to make me feel happier, just more dopey and spaced out, causing my teaching performance to suffer! Maybe your personality and wiring is different than mine. Maybe you actually pride yourself on being a good girl, whereas I condemn and ridicule myself for being a doormat chump. Maybe you don't believe in having sex unless you're in love or married, whereas morally I am A-ok with casual sex. Again, our morals differ. I detailed this is a prior post too. Did you read it?

 

 

You think it foolish to stay with a cheater? That's exactly what your plan is! Except you're going to justify cheating back and further destroying your marriage because he is a 'potential cheater'.

 

I would only stay until I can get into a better financial situation, which may include a better job in a better paying field, or may also include finding a partner who is able to actually support me better so that I am able to live within my salary means. If the latter occurs, how am I going to meet such a kind and well-off man if I'm playing The Loyal and Silent Wife to my husband? Not saying I would ever take seriously a guy who I'd use for an affair fling, hookup, or platonic strip club companion. But getting out there and meeting men, finding out if men think I'm attractive, will give me the confidence and social skills practice I need to eventually attract a better man. Staying home grading quizzes and thumbing through a prudent J. Crew catalog (clothes I can't afford anyway), while knowing my husband is probably getting his crotch grinded or more while I'm at work midday tomorrow, sure won't do it!

 

 

I hate to tell you, but your plan is going to make your situation much, much worse. And getting a job at a strip club so you can get the attention you think you deserve and to "show him up"? That's not going to make him sit and think about what he's losing with you. It's going to give him more ammo to do more damage.

 

Sheesh. The top reason I would ever get a non-dancing job at a strip club would be to make more money! And yeah, the confident boost is nice too, knowing I'd be getting positive attention about my looks from guys who come in and tip me, I'll admit (because come on, we all know strip club bartenders tend to make a lot based on their looks and their cleavage, not their generally lackluster drink mixing skills). You really think I'll catch my husband coming into the club he knows I work at anyway?! Hahahahahaha. If you're that naive, then no wonder your ex-husband thought he could cheat on you.

 

 

What exactly do you accomplish by cheating back? Do you think it will hurt him? I guarantee he will be hurt more if he sees you move on, become successful and indifferent and get past him. Cheaters are different.

 

Right. Moving on will hurt him more. Enlighten me all about moving on...coming from someone who stayed with a cheater for many years, and telling this to someone who cannot afford to divorce and/or become a single mom.

 

I also mentioned that when I let him catch on that I was flirting with men, and then even moreso when I lied and told him I hooked up with someone, it actually caused him to go to strip clubs much LESS. He has still been going about once a month in recent months, which still sucks, but it's not nearly as often, which means less household money getting spent at least. Still sucks and I still feel slighted and outraged to say the least. But when I was the nice girl who forgave so easily, and he thought my morals were above me immediately stortming out to go bang someone else (which many girls in my spot would have done), he just went to clubs and chatroom sites even MORE. Again, perhaps my husband is wired differently than your ex was.

 

 

I rose above. That's what the success quote was about. I don't care if you accept advice or not because you don't agree with it, but claiming that I am "foolish" couldn't be farther from the truth.

 

Again, to each their own.

 

ALL of our actions shape us and our future. You get from the universe what you put in. If you think cheating back is going to magically fix your situation you couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Whatever. I've done it before and it worked for me. Know what didn't work for me? NOT cheating back, but instead waiting around in involuntary celibacy while my now-ex was out cheating with both guys and girls. I literally ended up in the mental hospital with a mental breakdown from the depression!! Any other time when I've rebounded, I've been able to heal much much faster.

[Cilantro]

So if the marriage counseling doesn't do anything to improve the marriage, why go?

 

And stiffler in a female body... Stifflett?

 

That's what I'm thinking...which is why I haven't been in a rush to go lately when I've had car troubles or when I know I have work deadlines due. Usually I see him 1-2 times a week but this week will be the first time in about 3 or so weeks. I'm starting to feel it's a waste of money at this point...not saying bad about the therapist, just my husband.

 

Yes, I'm like Stiffler haha. He was always my favorite character in those movies too! I also feel like Lester (Kevin Spacey's character) in American Beauty most days. I'd love to resign and tell off my job the way he did too!

[bluefeather]

 

Thanks and I agree with you. I am thinking this too. I want to try swinging as a couple at the club I keep talking about but never actually entering haha. I'm not sure he would ever let an open arrangement happen. He'll probably cry, say it hurts him to think of me being with another man let alone watch me with another man at a swingers club, and then he'll swear off strip clubs. (Yeah let's see how long that lasts for) He is like a relapsed drug addict but with porn and strip clubs. I see how hypocritically livid and hurt he got when I told him each time about that one contact-less happy hour date I had at the cafe. In my opinion he has no right to get mad about that when he's gotten naked girls lapdancing on him. So not sure how he'd feel. Not sure what my therapist would say either.

 

Also, I admit there's part of me that wants the naughty girl thrill of sneaking behind his back, and because I think he deserves it, truthfully. When I sneaked behind his back for littler indiscretions before (e.g., flirting online or that contact-less happy hour cafe date), it seemed to teach him to stay on his toes, serving as a threat of sorts, and in turn decreased his strip club visits. I feel like he "relapses" again right when I start to stop pestering, acting jealous, and worrying about what he's up to. What's that saying? Nice girls finish last. Yup. Story of my life! And if he doesn't let me get a "hall pass" or an open marriage, then I don't want to stay with him nor will I respect his commands to stay loyal in spite of everything. I will still do what I want to do. I refuse to stay faithful to someone who hasn't been faithful to me in the time I've been with him, whether it's in the past or not. So yeah I know this sounds naughty but I want to go behind his back first and get my cheap thrills, then once I feel we're even, start working towards amicable reconciliation in the form of an agreement to an open marriage.

 

It's strange, but I can kind of see where you're coming from. You want your desires met, same as everyone else. But your desire here is to do what the other person did to you. Well normally, I would not agree to that, but in your case, I don't know. If I put myself in your shoes, I would not want to cheat. Because even if I was cheated on, doing so would go against who I am. Kinda like, if someone called me a racist name, and I had an opportunity to throw a racist remark back, I wouldn't do it, because well, doing that would just make me feel sick. It's not who I am. But with the background that you have given in your later posts, regarding a history of spreading lies (that sounds pretty savage, btw), maybe cheating back goes along the lines of who you are. And that is why it feels ok for you. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm making things a lot more philosophical than they need to be. Doing something like that back to my "lover" - it's just not something that I am, so couldn't do. But it is something that you are. Maybe, deep down inside, that is what also attracted/attracts both of you to each other? As you say, going behind his back seems naughty and fun... Maybe this kind of secret lashing, that won't be so secret eventually, is a turn-on. Maybe one night after much time has passed, maybe even after he has found out about your cheating back, you two will be having passionate sex, cursing each other along the way.

[PinkPampies]

You call me "so naive that it's no wonder husband thought he could get away with cheating on me."

 

Maybe your husband cheats on you because you're miserable, nasty and déclassé.

 

I tried being nice and kind and offer advice, as you were here seeking. But for you to insult me in every post isn't going to help your situation. I guess it makes you feel better about yourself though.

[NTV]

Ahhh... American beauty. That was a good movie.

 

So... I'll admit I'm not the smartest guy.... I can't remember if your original question was answered or not?

[Cilantro]

Ahhh... American beauty. That was a good movie.

 

So... I'll admit I'm not the smartest guy.... I can't remember if your original question was answered or not?

 

Somewhat, by some people. But what would you do in my situation? Also, do you mind sharing more about your own situation with your adulterous (I'm assuming now-ex?) wife? Thanks.

[NTV]

What would I do in your situation? I don't know. It depends on if I wanted to reconcile or not. If I wanted to reconcile, I'd look to having control over the finances. He probably won't spend family money on strippers if you can see the bank account balance. But that would only be done if I was ready to recommit to the whole being married thing.

If I wasn't ready, but was sitting on the fence not sure which way to go, idk. Probably trying to convince myself that it's okay for me to go get some strange like you are.

If i was positive about divorce... There are ways to divorce for cheap. And maybe finding a place with a roommate who is also a single parent would such for a while but if it was a 100% I'm getting out of dodge certainty I wouldn't waste the time waiting on finances that could be spent loving my life.

 

That's just what I'd imagine I would do, really.

 

My story? My wife cheated on me 3 years ago with a couple of dudes from Ashley Madison. First few months I tried drinking myself into oblivion. Then filed for divorce. My wife was willing to sign a post up giving up alimony for a second chance and I was watching my divorced sister bicker with her husband about hours in a day they had their kids and I wasn't really ready not to see my own kids 100% of the time like I was used to. So I decided to give it another shot with her. It's not easy but she is trying. She also knows that what she has now is the last straw for me.

I mean the simplified version of any story never gives you the ups and downs. One day someone will invent a memory sharing device and I'll just be able to hit 'send' lol.

[Space Ritual]

Ok so you think I'm not any different than all the others who claim they're different and they know what they're doing

 

Nope I sure in the hell don't... Except in one regard:

 

You will be infinitely less prepared for the inexact outcome that awaits. And your crash back to Earth will cause a seismic course alteration in your life. And when it happens, which it will, it will be everybody's fault but yours.

 

 

Nope, you aren't different than any of em. You will just have a lot farther to fall before the curtain drops on the act.

[Cilantro]

Nope I sure in the hell don't... Except in one regard:

 

You will be infinitely less prepared for the inexact outcome that awaits. And your crash back to Earth will cause a seismic course alteration in your life. And when it happens, which it will, it will be everybody's fault but yours.

 

 

Nope, you aren't different than any of em. You will just have a lot farther to fall before the curtain drops on the act.

 

Right. People said that to me about losing my virginity too and guess what? It was the best thing I ever lost (with #2 being loss of responsibility on a major traffic ticket I was charged with years back haha)

[Space Ritual]

Right. People said that to me about losing my virginity too and guess what? It was the best thing I ever lost (with #2 being loss of responsibility on a major traffic ticket I was charged with years back haha)

 

You are making no sense, Cilantro. I don't know where you were going with that so I won't speculate.

 

You can insult me all you like, as I'm quite used to it. People in general don't take a shine to my rather unfiltered delivery as I am confident you are no exception to that. I am no diplomat nor would i ever claim to be.

 

That being said, people responded to you because not only had you requested it but believe it or not, they actually care. Your initial post spelled out in great detail the amount of pain you were in.

Many many of us have been down the path of infidelity and for many of us it irreparably changed our lives. To see someone who is so ready to go on a Scorched Earth Campaign reminds so many of us who did that in the end it was a futile exercise.

 

I'll step away from the thread so the Mods don't slap my wrist again as they have been known to do on occasion. I would in closing however, ask you to do some critical thinking going forward as to how you want to live.

 

I urge you to simply weigh all the possible outcomes that could result from what actions you intend to undertake. Not only in the short term, but more importantly the long term. We can never possibly know how far reaching a detrimental effect can be as a result of something we carry out without giving it a deserving amount of thought.

 

Good Luck, Cilantro