Still not over his frequent strip club visits

[Cilantro]

You are making no sense, Cilantro. I don't know where you were going with that so I won't speculate.

 

You can insult me all you like, as I'm quite used to it. People in general don't take a shine to my rather unfiltered delivery as I am confident you are no exception to that. I am no diplomat nor would i ever claim to be.

 

Wait a minute, when exactly did I insult you? Just because I don't agree with you does not mean I'm using an insult. Ah if anything, you insulted me by telling me I make no sense. Thanks.

 

Going on a scorched earth campaign...hahaha...is that what you call it now? Funny how nobody seems to say much about my husband going on a scorched-crotch strip club renegade, yet I get **** because I want to go to "a" strip club. Wow. #sexism ??

[bluefeather]

I think you missed my post #68 with all the fighting and moderating

Edited May 15, 2017 by bluefeather

[Cilantro]

Doing something like that back to my "lover" - it's just not something that I am, so couldn't do. But it is something that you are. Maybe, deep down inside, that is what also attracted/attracts both of you to each other? As you say, going behind his back seems naughty and fun... Maybe this kind of secret lashing, that won't be so secret eventually, is a turn-on. Maybe one night after much time has passed, maybe even after he has found out about your cheating back, you two will be having passionate sex, cursing each other along the way.

 

Ah yes. The ol "I would never hurt him, even though he didn't give two flying ****s about hurting me 100x over, repeatedly, even after he said he would never do it again." Oh please! So yes, we are two very different people. And no I don't use racist slurs but I have responded to a confrontationally out-of-the-blue racist person once by calling her a certain 4-letter sexist slur; though that didn't stoop to her racism but still was on the same level.

 

Yes, you're right, the thrill and the "secret lashing" is a turn-on to me right now. It wasn't always, but at this point, I might as well seek fun in it after what my husband has done to me. It's kinda like, you aren't born naturally addicted to drugs; you have to be exposed to them first. What my husband did with his indiscretions was essentially shove cocaine up my nose...so now I'm hooked on that stuff, that I never asked for in the first place, but I like the high so I keep going. But oh wait, coke is illegal and can kill you, whereas what I'm doing is legal and cannot. If it was illegal or dangerous, then strip clubs and swingers clubs wouldn't even be in existence.

 

You really want to know what initially drew us to each other? Our mutual empathy and whinings about how neither of us have gotten laid in so long! We both whined to each other about our dating struggles and how low in self esteem we both felt by being rejected all the time. We were just friends at the time, and had been for a good while, but we both ended up choosing to take advantage of the situation as a way to get laid. Our unfulfilled sex lives were what we had in common. That led into dating, and then a relationship, and eventually marriage. So no, it's not like I sought someone who would treat me badly, just someone who actually wanted to put out, given how I'd had a string of toxic Madonna-whore complex exes beforehand who would deprive me of sex.

[bluefeather]

I followed everything you said except this part.

 

Ah yes. The ol "I would never hurt him, even though he didn't give two flying ****s about hurting me 100x over, repeatedly, even after he said he would never do it again." Oh please!

 

I don't understand what you mean by that, sorry.

[Cilantro]

I followed everything you said except this part.

 

 

 

I don't understand what you mean by that, sorry.

 

No worries, no need to apologize. I was referring to the common cliched opinion that many betrayed wives or gfs hold. They feel they could never put their cheater thru the very pain of infidelity that their cheater put them thru. Which in a way is setting up their own double standard against themselves.

 

Thsts not kosher with me.

[Cilantro]

Also. Wondering if anyone else is thinking maybe his strip club trips involved coworkers or work friends at least some of the time. Midday trip, in between job sites. Didn't always have access to his own car during those days. He changed jobs a few weeks before he started going to clubs again, not counting the one isolated time months before that when he went with my cousin, which was the only time I knew about and am ok with.

[NTV]

What would it matter if it did?

[Superchicken]

Wow, come back a day later, and its mud slinging everywhere.

 

 

Cilantro, everyone's opinion (Oh by the way, its Chicken something guy", is just that, and their advice is also just that.

We all read things differently, and come to our (Whether right or wrong) opinion based on what you say over the many, many, geez, many posts..

Conclusions are formalized, and even though our posts maybe crappy (Putting it mildly), it is still an attempt to help you (Bet you rolled your eyes on that line).

Adding fuel to the fire by criticizing others in their posts isn't going to help you.

Before you say "Double standards, what about you guys criticizing me", well, as I mentioned earlier, its all about what, and I suppose how you try to explain things. You explain what you meant a little more after someone's post has placed. But, by now you assumed we are against you.

I don't believe anyone here has not agreed that you were wronged. With out a shadow of doubt, your H is dirt for what he has and is doing.

Not only you, no one deserves this crap.

Why did you get up my nose ?, its simple, I assumed you wanted to fix your relationship, but you started talking about going to the bars yourself, yada, yada..

But, fast forward now, to my last post, where I read your following posts, where you both are looking at a solution, and so I changed my view.

I initially really didn't want to see someone go down a path that has a bad ending by hearing about revenge, etc.

No one did, but after a few more posts, its seems you may have a workable solution in your view. I hope it works out.

 

 

Now, do men have double standards ?, that's a stupid question. Of course we do.

But, on here, I don't believe you will see it. Outside in real life, yeah, oh yeah.. I'm no angel, I was born with a pitch fork In my hands, but just take everyone's posts with a pinch of salt.

Don't like it, fine, say that you don't agree, or we are wrong.

We will be OK with that, and hunt you down later.

 

 

Ted.

Edited May 15, 2017 by Superchicken

[Cilantro]

What would it matter if it did?

 

It would to some extent. A good thing because it means he wasn't there alone, more likely to be there to tag along and have manly camaraderie with his work buddues in addition to lusting after naked girls. So at least it wouldn't be a full 100% focus on other girls. Remember, I was ok with him going that one time with my cousin.

 

Also a bad thing because this means his buddies are a bad influence. Studies show that people are more likely to cheat if their friends do. Also, I didnt like that job of his too much, mainly because of the inconsistent hours and income, and I felt like the other guys (it was a small construction business run by his 2 friends) kinda used him. They treated him as their cut-rate on-call handyman, interrupting his weekend for 1hr job here and there, yet never afforded him a set full time schedule. He had too much down time sometimes and I feared that the down time would cause him to go idle and start seeking out other women. That's when his initial flirtations started, right after he got laid off from a previous job and stayed home with the kids. I was glad he found a new job for his friends construction business, but the hours were inconsistent and money not sufficient. For months I told him to do better and eventually his parents did too, after I vented about the aforenentioned job concerns.

[Cilantro]

So basically...if they were enabling his strip club visits, esp after knowing he was in marriage counseling, then that is one more bad thing about a job that I already had a somewhat bad feeling about. It shows that they disrespected me as his wife and mother of his children, and my finances too. Even if they paid his way for some of these lunch break club visits, it still opened the floodgates for him to go back later. There's days where he went for less than an hr midday while he was working, then later returned to the same club in early evening before I came home from work with the kids. So yeah, if they were the ones taking him, it just goes to show that I was even more right than I realized when I told him he had to get a different job.

[bluefeather]

They feel they could never put their cheater thru the very pain of infidelity that their cheater put them thru.

 

Oh, I see. I think you misunderstand me. It isn't about not putting them through pain; it's about me being something that I'm not. Plus that kind of revenge can be underwhelming. Cheating on a cheater probably wouldn't hurt them as much as it hurt you. It's not a cut for a cut. It's more like a punch for a cut. You seem to have a slight obsession with righteousness, and are trying to find reasons to convince yourself to go through with it.

[NTV]

Oh, I see. But even if they were pressuring him, he could have said no, right?

 

They don't really owe you anything... it's sad that the expand that to include lack of human decency but there's not too much to be gained by dragging them into it beside an 'I told you so'.

 

At least that's my thoughts.

[Cilantro]

Oh, I see. I think you misunderstand me. It isn't about not putting them through pain; it's about me being something that I'm not. Plus that kind of revenge can be underwhelming. Cheating on a cheater probably wouldn't hurt them as much as it hurt you. It's not a cut for a cut. It's more like a punch for a cut. You seem to have a slight obsession with righteousness, and are trying to find reasons to convince yourself to go through with it.

 

 

The first part was stuff other people on other threads and sites told me. Glad to know it doesn't apply to you though, because I never found that "I care too much about him to hurt him" argument very, very illogical.

 

As for the other stuff. Unlike you, I actually find new hookups to be fun and exciting if they're new and just every omce in a while. I get the same sexual thrill from it as any man would. So it's not just about "punches" or "cuts," or "revenge," it's about me allowing myself to do what I want with my body without worrying about apparent one-sided stringencies. So if my husband had an attitude of ambivalence or minimized hurt, at least I'd still get my cheap thrills. However, I disagree with you that all cheaters are underwhelmed by reaction cheatings. I've seen and heard examples where a serial cheater becomes devastated when it finally happens to him even just once. I suspect my husband is that way. Look how hurt he was when I simply went on a fully clothed, contact-less happy hour date one time.

[bluefeather]

Unlike you, I actually find new hookups to be fun and exciting if they're new and just every omce in a while.

 

Why do you say "unlike you?" - I never said I didn't like hookups... I do hook up with people. Not sure where you got that idea.

 

You're doing a lot of analyzing here. Have you had an affair yet?

[Cilantro]

 

You're doing a lot of analyzing here. Have you had an affair yet?

 

Nope but working on it! Bought myself a drink while prretending to a guy, that the guys who were here before him bought it for me. Acting like wow these gentlemen are soooo nice to demure little teacher me! Haha. I know how to play the game. Fake it til ya make it! And drinking amartini on an empty stomach is a great way to lose weight and feel less socially awkward haha

[bluefeather]

Nope but working on it! Bought myself a drink while prretending to a guy, that the guys who were here before him bought it for me. Acting like wow these gentlemen are soooo nice to demure little teacher me! Haha. I know how to play the game. Fake it til ya make it! And drinking amartini on an empty stomach is a great way to lose weight and feel less socially awkward haha

 

Ok, have fun. Hopefully you find what you are looking for.

[NTV]

It sounds like you're hurting pretty bad right now. I spent my share of time trying to drink myself into oblivion. Wanna talk about what's hurting the most?

[Cilantro]

It sounds like you're hurting pretty bad right now. I spent my share of time trying to drink myself into oblivion. Wanna talk about what's hurting the most?

 

Yes I've started drinking in addition to indulging in lots of food for myself. I've always had a food addiction in times of stress and insecurity. Yesterday was the first time I had a drink in a while amd I also didn't eat all day long so...the being stood up by one person, told off by a random b**ch, and snubbed by others probably compounded the effects of that one drink I bought myself.

 

A secondary reason I'm hurting is Because of unfair double standards on here. Chickenhead denies sexism on this bosrd but it's there. You make the jokes avout me turning you on and my sn being tasty, which I didn't mind at all but felt flattered by. But how I feel is irrelevant for sake of this point. Point is, you're married and no one flinched at your flirty jokes yet they shame me for joking back to you on this thread, saying my comments are fine if I was single but not while I'm married, even in spite of my marriage vows already being broken by my other half. Also, I can't even give someone else a compliment on another thread without the loveshack police aka mods PMing me a scolding for it. I was trying to be nice and I guess she didn't like an "ugly, uncouth" person like me giving a compliment. Even the strip club I finally went to last night was sexist, refused to even take my money, had a big rule against females buying lapdances. Same club that takes my husbands money (essentially MY money) for lapdances almost every second Tuesday at lunch. And now I'm being directly insulted by the doormat who'd stayed with her abusive cheater many years before she grew a pair and finally left but I bet no mods are on her. She outright called me unattractive, uncouth, etc. Total double standard. I bet if a man talked about revenge cheating he'd get the usual "don't stoop to your wayward spouse's level" but not all the judgment a woman gets. People talk about racial minorities still facing discrimination today and it's true, but females still face discrimination too.

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NTV]

Wow, I guess I meant hurting most from what your husband did. I'm willing to bet none of the Internet strangers here really bothered you as much as that.

 

And what all happened at the strip club you went to? That sounded like the short version.

[William]

Got a report on this thread and a quick scan shows it valid. I'd suggest a cooling off period for any and all who are finding it difficult to focus on the topic respectfully. It's usually healthier if that's voluntary. Thanks!

[Miss Peach]

Cilantro - I went through something similar (but not quite as bad) with my BF. So I totally get the emotions you're posting about.

 

In my case, BF is very inexperienced with women and basically was in one relationship his whole life. When it ended he turned to strippers for female companionship and struggled finding dates with real women. He still thinks some of these women are his friends and is finally coming to terms (slowly and reluctantly) with how one-sided things are.

 

I do feel he told me the whole truth now but mine went to 3 strip clubs while we were together plus had meals and communications with a few of the women out of the club. I had only known about one of the stripper and we had all gone out. I didn't know until recently there were others.

 

I don't really have an issue with clubs per se and consider myself sex positive. I would have actually been happy to have gone with him if he had told me about it. But I take a huge issue with being lied to (he lied by omission) and how he could justify something that he wouldn't like me to do with other men and not figure out ahead of time he would hurt me. (He wouldn't be happy if a man rubbed his bit on me or if I sat on another guy's lap). He knew ahead of time that I am more open to things like that as a team. We could have bought each other dances and then come home hot for each other had he come to me. But he chose to go the behind my back route.

 

I feel like getting revenge myself so I do understand the resentment and betrayal that comes from such an experience. In my case I have kept some male friends around that I probably wouldn't talk to in other relationships. I haven't done anything other than have some drinks which BF is invited to. They haven't tried anything but I know they would try to date me if anything happened to BF.

 

Besides that, I did ask BF for a hallpass if I ever run into a situation where I can do that with a woman. I am bi myself. Something I will mention instead of the strip clubs is to join some bi groups. Mine has play and cuddle parties from time to time. The local BDSM club here also runs a women's only play party from time to time.

 

The only reason I have stayed with BF is that he seems really remorseful, seems really into me, and had been very honest with me over the last month. If I find any of this happening again behind my back I will leave him. I still don't trust him and that will take time to restore. If I had been in a situation like yours where he didn't seem to get it I would probably be more apt to leave. There is no way I would ever combine finances with BF now.

 

As far as divorce is concerned, I left my XH and was in a similar situation since I was the breadwinner. I had to made some adjustments to my lifestyle for awhile but it worked out well for me in the end and I thrived socially, financially, etc.

 

And as for strippers, many don't want to dance for women since women can come of as more entitled (i.e., wanting to touch, being disrespectful, etc.).

 

Anyway... just wanted to let you know someone else on here wen through a similar betrayal.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Miss Peach

[Cilantro]

Update.

 

I confronted him today in a blowup about all his strip club meanderings. I was going to wait until our next couples therapy appointment. But we haven't been able to go therapy in quite a while (over a month) because both of our cars have been broken down, and the therapist isn't near mass transit. So each week we've had to postpone sessions. I was tired of waiting around, essentially keeping my life on hold, all because of therapy. I confronted him about some unrelated stuff and while I was already heated and angry (which gives me more bravery to confront people, bravery that my usually meek self often lacks), I exploded about all his strip club visits. He didn't deny it, but also didn't say much, probably because he was following the whole "anything you say can and will be used against you" logic. I asked him questions such as "why would you go" and I mostly got a lot of "I don't know"s from him. I told him that I had been visiting strip clubs too lately...which I have...although I exaggerated and made it sound like I'd gone more than I had. I also told him about strip club ventures that I'd intended to do but had ended up not doing (because I chickened out, and also because I didn't have a car so I didn't feel up for walking 2.8 miles away by foot at 11pm, esp as a lone woman). I told him that I now feel entitled to have men spend every bit as much money on me as he'd spent on strippers--whether it be in the form of me simply hanging out there and them buying me drinks when they buy their buddies drinks, or in more risque ways such as by working as a stripper or escort myself--and that whatever money I earn from these shady dealings, I'm entitled to spend on myself. Because after all, any money my husband spent on strippers, never went back to helping the household. Ha ha it's not like the strippers who received his money donated it to a charity I support or gave me a free car repair in return. So why should I "share" my money? I told him I'm entitled to give men lapdances now and use that money for selfish things like designer jeans, Coach purses, and Mac makeup (things I've never actually bought or owned or really had an interest in, by the way). Yes, I was mostly bluffing because I wanted to punish him and also scare him.

 

I've noticed a pattern. Whenever I was a huge bitch and confronted him about stuff in the past (such as my earlier suspicions he was at a strip club, or the unused condom, etc), it always caused him to stop going. It seems like the times he "relapsed" were after I'd either let sleeping dogs rest, or had stopped acting like I was worried about his whereabouts, or when I started threatening to revenge cheat on him, etc. Basically any time he believed I was no longer "onto him" or acting like a jealous bitch. That shows that being nice and forgiving screwed me over. The longest time that he avoided strip clubs or any other bars occurred right after I made up a lie last winter that I had slept with someone else. I guess that scared him into thinking that he would get punished in hurtful ways if he strayed. He didn't go back to any clubs until a month or so later, which coincided with the time he started calling my bluff on my "cheating" story. So basically, if I want him to stay in line, I should just keep being a bitch and/or become a cheater myself.

 

I told him I'm entitled to go out with my girl friends tonight. He agreed. He knows he owes it to me to go out, since he's essentially in the doghouse right now with the strip club stuff. What he may not know is, I'm not actually going with my girl friends but taking myself to a male strip club. (I begged my 2 girl friends to go but they both chickened out...one is in an even worse, more unfair relationship situation and all it took was her hypocritical serial cheater bf telling her "YOU'RE not going to any strip club with Cilantro" and she cancelled on me) I'm going to have fun and not care that I spend some stacks out of my tax refund. I might check out the swingers club on the way home.

[Cilantro]

And by the way, I wouldn't really become a stripper or escort...I was just saying that both in hypotheticals and also to scare my husband into thinking I could. Given that I'm quitting my teaching job, I probably could try to audition at a club or two (pretend that I want to become a stripper when really I wouldn't have any intentions of doing anything beyond the audition haha) but with my luck, the manager won't even let me get on the stage but will instead take one hard look at me and say some generic bs rejection line like, "Thanks for your interest, but we have enough dancers already" or some other crap they say when the girl is too old or not attractive enough. (I've been researching strip clubs in recent months so I know that's how they do it when a girl comes in who's not stripper material) I know I'm approaching 40 and I also know I'm 20 lbs heavier than the stripper standard.

[bluefeather]

All this stuff you're doing is kind of like fanning a fire. You're not fixing anything, nor keeping things balanced or in line. You think using fear works, but I doubt it will continue for the long haul. One day, that man will stop being afraid, if he hasn't stopped already (he could just be faking it), and scoff at any threat you make, whether it's real or not. He'll just stop caring. And then you will realize that you had no real power over him.

[elaine567]

I am not sure what you are actually doing here.

Your husband attends strip clubs and spends your hard earned cash on lusting after other women whilst you are at home with a baby and your idea of punishment is to go to strip clubs yourself or present yourself as a candidate for stripper jobs?

 

This is very skewed thinking, it may lose you your teaching job and he won't care a damn. As soon as your back is turned he will resume his jaunts to strip clubs.

You are hurting yes, but all this drama you have planned will not make you feel any better

YOU chose the wrong man as a father for your child, he is not father material. What sort of a father takes the little money he has, which he should be spending on his child and home, and spends it in strip clubs?

The sooner you realise that and get him out of your life the better you will feel.

Edited June 3, 2017 by elaine567
typo