Anxiety MM will come back

[escapefantasy]

It has been 4 months NC. I'm working hard to move on and have moments that are happy and free of thoughts. But do still think of him everyday still. I have read on here so many times of MM fishing around for contact after things calm down in his home. No D day he got scared and ghosted me after his W had suspected he was up to something.

 

My worries is he will come back. I don't want him too. My anxiety is very high he will contact me now that I'm trying to move on and change my life for the better. Changed my routine, the stores I shop at, even the gym I go too so he can't find me. But I'm still having anxiety about running into him or him coming to me or contacting me in some way.

 

Would you say after 4 months of nothing can I calm down and be sure he is gone now? How long was it for some of you of NC to them coming back if they did? I can't have MM even snooping I don't want to go back to those feelings in the beginning and relapse to repeat the last 4 months again. Please any help or suggestions?

I use to get anxiety when I didn't hear from him now I have anxiety that I will!

Edited May 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Friskyone4u]

It has been 4 months NC. I'm working hard to move on and have moments that are happy and free of thoughts. But do still think of him everyday still. I have read on here so many times of MM fishing around for contact after things calm down in his home. No D day he got scared and ghosted me after his W had suspected he was up to something.

 

My worries is he will come back. I don't want him too. My anxiety is very high he will contact me now that I'm trying to move on and change my life for the better. Changed my routine, the stores I shop at, even the gym I go too so he can't find me. But I'm still having anxiety about running into him or him coming to me or contacting me in some way.

 

Would you say after 4 months of nothing can I calm down and be sure he is gone now? How long was it for some of you of NC to them coming back if they did? I can't have MM even snooping I don't want to go back to those feelings in the beginning and relapse to repeat the last 4 months again. Please any help or suggestions?

I use to get anxiety when I didn't hear from him now I have anxiety that I will!

 

You say what you don't want but not what you are doing to make it harder for Mm to reappear in your life. Have you blocked him on all social media?? Probably not. If you really wanted out of this you would tell his wife, but of course that would verify her suspicions and you affair would most likely be really really over as he tries to save his ass for real.

 

So yes, he will come back and come "fishing" because until he is convinced you have no interest in having sex with him again, why shouldn't he come back. ???

[whichwayisup]

You make it impossible for him to contact you. Lock down your social media, don't use a public picture of yourself anywhere, block him on email etc., and change your cell number.

 

IF by chance he happens to reach out to you, ignore him. Or you directly tell him to F-OFF and if he dares to contact you again you'll contact his wife and tell her everything with proof. That threat itself should be enough for him to leave you alone.

[Bittersweetie]

What helped me was mentally having a plan in place in case I ever did run into xAP. It was a simple plan: say nothing and walk away. In my head I thought, if I see him, say nothing and walk away. It made me feel better knowing I had some actual steps to take if he did ever try to interact with me again.

 

Maybe you can come up with a plan for yourself? Something simple. Then if you do ever see him, instead of panicking or saying something you'd regret, you have a concrete plan to follow.

[oceansaway]

They always come back...eventually. My exmm came back after 5 months. Took my birthday as a excuse to reach out. Many other times also in the past but 5 months NC was the longest. Tried the "only friends" thing....didn't work. Stay strong!

[yogachic]

I would also block him from calling or texting if you haven't already... I was with someone on and off for over 3 years... I think the most time apart (besides now which is close to a year) was about 10 months till I heard back from him... don't think about him... live and enjoy life without him.

[escapefantasy]

It's been 5 months no contact but the last 2 weeks I have seen him sometimes multiple times a day. Always in his vehicle. He waves every time big waves but never talks to me. I mean a huge spectacle of a wave to make sure I see him. I have only done a little wave back the last 2 time but I always make sure I turn and leave or drive on. I want to be prepared if he talkes to me so afraid I will lose it and cry and do something stupid. I hurt he's gone. last convo was he had to keep his marriage sorry and nothing more now for 5 months but these passing huge expressed waves. So why the over the top make sure I see him but no contact? I have given to cold shoulder back everytime. This is putting me right back to that first month crying hurt I stupidly gave my heart to him and he didn't want it. Why is he everywhere now and doing this? I'm Just going through the withdrawal all over again and so angry I'm back to the beginning. I'm afraid of see him everywhere all over again because he's popping up everywhere. Any advice on what he could be thinking feeling or his ententions would be great too so I can prepare my self for the run in I feel might be coming. Thanks everyone

[escapefantasy]

Please any one help with my question from yesterday I saw him again it's making me a mess all over again

[BTDT2012]

You say nothing and walk away.

[freengreen]

5 months, he was back.

 

At that time I felt 'yay'... now I know it was everything but a 'yay'. NC for 9 months again.. this tome, nothing... yay!

[freengreen]

Please any one help with my question from yesterday I saw him again it's making me a mess all over again

Remind yourself why you came out in the first place...

[Chica80]

He's feeling you out to see how you respond.

 

It's been 5 months so whatever impetus made him want to wrk on M is now gone.

 

Just ignore and move one. (I know easier said than done)

[FoundMyStrength]

Please any one help with my question from yesterday I saw him again it's making me a mess all over again

 

As freengreen said, keep reminding yourself why you're out of the affair. If you're like most of us, the affair and it's ending were brutally painful. Probably more painful than seeing him now. So keep walking away. Keep ignoring him. Likely he's trying to reconnect with you to restart the affair (consciously or not). Remember the pain you felt when it ended to motivate you to stay away. Because if it starts up again, it WILL end again. Thats a given. Don't put yourself through that.

 

Also if you get the sense that he's doing this on purpose (it does seem to be TOO coincidental) you may want to consider asking him to stop and telling him you'll let his wife know he's in contact if he doesn't. I can't remember your exact situation, dday or not, but that can be effective.

[freengreen]

As freengreen said, keep reminding yourself why you're out of the affair. If you're like most of us, the affair and it's ending were brutally painful. Probably more painful than seeing him now. So keep walking away. Keep ignoring him. Likely he's trying to reconnect with you to restart the affair (consciously or not). Remember the pain you felt when it ended to motivate you to stay away. Because if it starts up again, it WILL end again. Thats a given. Don't put yourself through that.

 

Also if you get the sense that he's doing this on purpose (it does seem to be TOO coincidental) you may want to consider asking him to stop and telling him you'll let his wife know he's in contact if he doesn't. I can't remember your exact situation, dday or not, but that can be effective.

^ bolded , just in case you miss it,OP.

[misspalmy]

Tell his wife if he comes back

[escapefantasy]

Thank you all for your advice he has not contacted me as of yet and I have been kind of hiding too. But here's the thing been almost 6 months no contact and I'm mad very mad I never got the chance to say my thing. He left never to be heard from again after a 10 min conversation on the phone I was in shock l conformed to everything he asked me to do. Lay low stay quiet don't hurt him as he will be kicked out for sure. Back Then I was in the dream land I wanted to please him so much thought if I loved him I will let him be happy and do as he asked. Well now I'm mad at my self letting him treat me like this for 4.5 years second. The lies how he felt the lies of who he was and how much I lied to my self that I was happy being that kind of person. Now I want to contact him face to face and say what I want to say. Say everything I can't stop repeating over and over in my head. I never got to speak up with him he always called the shots he made me so submissive the opposite of who I was before he came into my life. I want to say everything to him that I never got the chance to say. I don't care what the out come or his response would be. I might even say my thing and walk away before he could get a chance to respond. I feel I have to do this to gain my self respect back to my self not him. Why do I have this over whelmed feeling I need to tell him off show him I'm not the weak person he made me conform too. I feel I need this to heel. But I haven't done it yet I just keep telling my self one more week of no contact decide then. Then all week I repeat in my head over and over what I would say and it's always the same thing. I tried the letter thing then burn it was never to give him but thought there I got it out. Nope just made me even more want to be face to face to him as I calmly but firmly say my thing.

So my question is have any of you gone to just confront say what u had to say to heal your self? If so did it help you? Did it make it worse with the op? Most of all did it set you on the road to freedom from the hold and addiction the thoughts the hurt the anger ?

Thanks everyone you all have been a great help to make me back to the better authentic person I was before temptation and exmm walked into my life.

[lostgirl87]

I felt that I had to have "one final talk" with MM. He granted me that. I was ok for a few days. Then I had more questions and more things I had to know so I needed a "this time I'm serious- final closure talk". He gave me that too. Guess what? It also wasn't enough. I emailed him incessantly for a while and he would call sometimes. Other times (most times) the emails were ignored. I drove myself crazier than I ever was during the affair. Then finally, the calls weren't enough. I had to see him face to face after a month of not seeing each other. I knew that if we met in person we could each say what we needed to say and really move on.

 

WRONG.

 

We saw each other and there was no finality. There were "I love you"s and "I miss you"s and talks of what could be but can't be right now. Closure? That's a joke.

 

My intention really was to heal. To move on. Get the closure I need and never look back but that was far from reality. I can't say do it or don't do it. But be honest with yourself. Consider how you'd REALLY feel if he were to say "eff you I never want to see or talk to you again" or "man I've really missed you" or if he's just completely indifferent.

 

Keep in mind that seeing him in person could put you in a position to resume the affair. It can undo any progress you have made. It can make you wonder again "what if? Maybe We DO have a chance!"

 

Only you know how you feel and what is best for you. Have an honest conversation with yourself- don't fool yourself into thinking you want one thing but you're really feeling or wanting something else.

 

Good luck!

[Syre17]

I felt that I had to have "one final talk" with MM. He granted me that. I was ok for a few days. Then I had more questions and more things I had to know so I needed a "this time I'm serious- final closure talk". He gave me that too. Guess what? It also wasn't enough. I emailed him incessantly for a while and he would call sometimes. Other times (most times) the emails were ignored. I drove myself crazier than I ever was during the affair. Then finally, the calls weren't enough. I had to see him face to face after a month of not seeing each other. I knew that if we met in person we could each say what we needed to say and really move on.

 

WRONG.

 

We saw each other and there was no finality. There were "I love you"s and "I miss you"s and talks of what could be but can't be right now. Closure? That's a joke.

 

My intention really was to heal. To move on. Get the closure I need and never look back but that was far from reality. I can't say do it or don't do it. But be honest with yourself. Consider how you'd REALLY feel if he were to say "eff you I never want to see or talk to you again" or "man I've really missed you" or if he's just completely indifferent.

 

Keep in mind that seeing him in person could put you in a position to resume the affair. It can undo any progress you have made. It can make you wonder again "what if? Maybe We DO have a chance!"

 

Only you know how you feel and what is best for you. Have an honest conversation with yourself- don't fool yourself into thinking you want one thing but you're really feeling or wanting something else.

 

Good luck!

 

Totally agree with this and I think a lot of us here have pondered this same thing and scenario. You might just write it all out on paper and tuck it away, don't send it, but just keep it. When you're feeling down, blue, sad or struggling, pull it out and read it and remind yourself of why it's better to be free of him and the situation.

[jah526]

Seems like you're still seeking some kind of validation from him. You want him to see you as strong, not weak. If you didn't still care, you wouldn't give a damn how he sees you.

 

I get it though - you're trying to reclaim a piece of yourself that was lost through all this. The thing is, that piece can't come from him. You have to try to rebuild it yourself.

 

I tried many times to get MM to listen to what I was feeling. He simply didn't care - even though he called me his best friend, which was very confusing for me.

 

Just know that the person you're talking to is a proven liar. How can you trust anything he says? So 1) he doesn't care what you have to say to him, 2) anything he says in response is just more bs, 3) he's not going to give you any validation for your feelings. So why waste the effort?

 

I wrote in a journal for weeks, every night. Wrote out all my thoughts and feelings. And it helped. I did get out what I needed to say to him, and when it came down to it in the end, this is what it was - I am done with this, you are not my friend, don't contact me. These are words you can say even if he isn't standing in front of you.

[Bufo]

Rule 1 for MM is: it is always easier to keep (or recover) an AP than it is to find, groom and seduce a replacement AP. That's what motivates him. So an expectation of contact is simply acknowledging reality.

 

The poster who said have an escape plan is entirely correct. No "closure" discussion is worth a face to face (or more intimate) encounter. Just walk away.

 

MM who like affairs do tend to give up because they pursue affairs primarily for sex and ego strokes. When those aren't being provided and his AP gives no hint that they might be available, MM starts looking elsewhere knowing he won't benefit from Rule 1. What's missing in him will never be satisfied with friendship

[deadsoul]

Thank you all for your advice he has not contacted me as of yet and I have been kind of hiding too. But here's the thing been almost 6 months no contact and I'm mad very mad I never got the chance to say my thing. He left never to be heard from again after a 10 min conversation on the phone I was in shock l conformed to everything he asked me to do. Lay low stay quiet don't hurt him as he will be kicked out for sure. Back Then I was in the dream land I wanted to please him so much thought if I loved him I will let him be happy and do as he asked. Well now I'm mad at my self letting him treat me like this for 4.5 years second. The lies how he felt the lies of who he was and how much I lied to my self that I was happy being that kind of person. Now I want to contact him face to face and say what I want to say. Say everything I can't stop repeating over and over in my head. I never got to speak up with him he always called the shots he made me so submissive the opposite of who I was before he came into my life. I want to say everything to him that I never got the chance to say. I don't care what the out come or his response would be. I might even say my thing and walk away before he could get a chance to respond. I feel I have to do this to gain my self respect back to my self not him. Why do I have this over whelmed feeling I need to tell him off show him I'm not the weak person he made me conform too. I feel I need this to heel. But I haven't done it yet I just keep telling my self one more week of no contact decide then. Then all week I repeat in my head over and over what I would say and it's always the same thing. I tried the letter thing then burn it was never to give him but thought there I got it out. Nope just made me even more want to be face to face to him as I calmly but firmly say my thing.

So my question is have any of you gone to just confront say what u had to say to heal your self? If so did it help you? Did it make it worse with the op? Most of all did it set you on the road to freedom from the hold and addiction the thoughts the hurt the anger ?

Thanks everyone you all have been a great help to make me back to the better authentic person I was before temptation and exmm walked into my life.

 

Ask yourself how it will help you to say all these things to him. You say you aren't even looking for a reaction or response. How does saying those things to him validate you? It doesn't. He rejected you and it hurts.

 

Your closure comes from using him as a learning experience of how you don't want to be and how you deserve better. Talking to him to get your "closure"? You're giving the power he needs right back to him.

 

You need to avoid him, stay NC and continue to focus on you. He no longer matters.

[whichwayisup]

Vent it out here or write him letters, then burn them. What you have to say to him, he won't care. It'll fall on deaf ears! This is ego talking, wanting to get the zing at him, wanting the last word. It's not worth it.

 

Try to let go of the anger by forgiving yourself. I think much of what you feel is actually has more to do with your own choices and allowing yourself to believe him. Letting loose on him won't change any facts on your behalf. You may feel great unloading on him but in a day or two that anger will be back and it won't solve anything.

 

Get counseling to help you work through this so you won't carry it with you for the rest of your life.

 

He's married, in NC mode with you, the A is over and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is let go and don't look back. Make it impossible for him to contact you. SILENCE says much more than words ever can.

[rumblefish12]

Vent it out here or write him letters, then burn them. What you have to say to him, he won't care. It'll fall on deaf ears! This is ego talking, wanting to get the zing at him, wanting the last word. It's not worth it.

 

Try to let go of the anger by forgiving yourself. I think much of what you feel is actually has more to do with your own choices and allowing yourself to believe him. Letting loose on him won't change any facts on your behalf. You may feel great unloading on him but in a day or two that anger will be back and it won't solve anything.

 

Get counseling to help you work through this so you won't carry it with you for the rest of your life.

 

He's married, in NC mode with you, the A is over and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is let go and don't look back. Make it impossible for him to contact you. SILENCE says much more than words ever can.

I totally agree. In time, you'll thank yourself. In time, all of this will come into proper perspective. Give yourself that time in NC. That's really a gift to you. There's an affair recover website that has a lot of really good information and Suzie, the author, compares the end of an affair to getting fired. It's messy and there are hurt feelings, usually going both ways. But if approached properly, it is an opportunity for growth. There's no going back and fixing it. Closure isn't something that occurs with the perfect combination of questions and answers. Closure is a process. Many of us have been going through the process for a long time. The gift of time has given us perspective. Do that for yourself.

 

I think writing letters to never be sent it is a great idea. And vent here, that's what we are all here for. You're going to be fine and in a relatively short amount of time those things you wanted to say and questions you wanted to ask won't seem very important at all. You'll be glad the past is just that.