Shame

[Chica80]

I was thinking about something a friend said to me last week.

When we are ashamed of something we stay quiet, but staying quiet only perpetuates the shame and keeps the cycle going.

 

Is there something in us OW/ OM WS, that we are internally ashamed of. Something deeper?

 

Do we not ask for more because we don't think we deserve more.

"Know your place, you will always come second or last...."

Ultimately are you ashamed that you are making this choice to be an other or potentially ruining and hurting other people so you settle for less?

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes, I do think there is often a deeper shame that contributes to why we make the choice and why people sometimes stay there for so long. One of the things I've struggled with post affair ending is this deep feeling that the affair somehow confirmed my worthlessness. Intellectually, I know that's not the case. But emotionally it feels that way.

 

But i know that for me, this comes from a pretty emotionally abusive family of origin. One of my friends told me once that he thinks I may know what love feels like, but I don't have any idea of what it looks like. Its true. It was just so easy to fall into the patterns of my childhood, with a man willing to give only a part of himself and to constantly remind me how much of a diversion and indulgence I was. I allowed him to confirm the second best feeling that my family planted.

 

The thing that gives me hope, though, is that I walked away from him, not the reverse. There may be a part of me that feels worthless, but there's something else in there fighting desperately for just a little bit of sunlight.

[Chica80]

Yes I agree (Found)

 

Also because I saw this in a different thread by SolG:

 

Established Member

 

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Join Date: Mar 2013

Posts: 865

Question

I personally believe that most As are about fear of rejection. Sometimes subconsciously, sometimes not.

 

Generally at the root of infidelity is something that a WS doesn't feel they can disclose to their BS. Whether it's a resentment, a disquiet or dissatisfaction, a fear of mortality, a deep seated grief, the desire for strange... and the list could go on... But it's always a something that when shared with another (OW/M) elicits some sense of reward be it physical, emotional or whatever. And conversely it is something the WS on some level fears sharing with their spouse; fears will lessen their spouse's regard and risk rejection. So they take bit of themselves elsewhere. And they wouldn't have to if they didn't fear rejection and/or trust their spouse enough to disclose.

[Fresnite]

Whats ws? Ow? And all the other abreviations stand for?

[mrs rubble]

Whats ws? Ow? And all the other abreviations stand for?

Wayward spouse, Other woman, other man. there's a list of them pinned to one of the boards.

[missdixie3333]

I'm a little confused about your post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you're saying your a OW or OM or you're the WS, then, yes, shame must have a role. But it's kind of a given. A quick Google of the definition of shame: 'a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior'. In other words, you're doing something you absolutely know is wrong...but you're still doing it. 'Wrong' can mean you feel bad about coming in the middle of a family or relationship. 'Wrong' can mean you want more and you know full well you're not getting what you need.

If you're the OW/OM/WS, then I think you're actually asking what makes you linger in that position. Self-worth, confidence, insecurities all come into play. You must be aware of the pain you could cause and the hopelessness of your role- not only in the potential demise of a relationship, but also that you don't think you can find someone or you don't feel worthy of someone that could wholly dedicate themself to you.

Shame is part of this, but the heart of the matter is your own feelings of self-worth. I had my own moments of temptation with married men when I was single. Why was I tempted? For several reasons: One, I was having trouble meeting men that were completely emotionally available to me. Two, they were a quick (though shallow) boost to my confidence. In every case, the married man was lacking something at home and I was the missing ingredient. You get the feeling that you actually have something a man would want over another woman. But that feeling is fleeting because you don't have enough of it for them to fully commit to you. And that impacts you tremendously. Also, for some (and this may not apply to you) married men (or women) can also satisfy when you're not looking for a full commitment or aren't ready for that. You get to be the 'in between' person where you can live like you're single, but get some of the benefits of a relationship. But in most cases, this indicates a problem of your own issues with commitment and something that should be addressed.

Shame can be superficial where you feel bad for what you're doing or it could go deeper if you analyze your motives. Where you stand just depends on why you'd be okay with being a OW/OM and how you really feel about the whole situation.

Now, if I'm misinterpreting what you're asking, please correct me.

[Chica80]

I'm a little confused about your post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you're saying your a OW or OM or you're the WS, then, yes, shame must have a role. But it's kind of a given. A quick Google of the definition of shame: 'a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior'. In other words, you're doing something you absolutely know is wrong...but you're still doing it. 'Wrong' can mean you feel bad about coming in the middle of a family or relationship. 'Wrong' can mean you want more and you know full well you're not getting what you need.

If you're the OW/OM/WS, then I think you're actually asking what makes you linger in that position. Self-worth, confidence, insecurities all come into play. You must be aware of the pain you could cause and the hopelessness of your role- not only in the potential demise of a relationship, but also that you don't think you can find someone or you don't feel worthy of someone that could wholly dedicate themself to you.

Shame is part of this, but the heart of the matter is your own feelings of self-worth. I had my own moments of temptation with married men when I was single. Why was I tempted? For several reasons: One, I was having trouble meeting men that were completely emotionally available to me. Two, they were a quick (though shallow) boost to my confidence. In every case, the married man was lacking something at home and I was the missing ingredient. You get the feeling that you actually have something a man would want over another woman. But that feeling is fleeting because you don't have enough of it for them to fully commit to you. And that impacts you tremendously. Also, for some (and this may not apply to you) married men (or women) can also satisfy when you're not looking for a full commitment or aren't ready for that. You get to be the 'in between' person where you can live like you're single, but get some of the benefits of a relationship. But in most cases, this indicates a problem of your own issues with commitment and something that should be addressed.

Shame can be superficial where you feel bad for what you're doing or it could go deeper if you analyze your motives. Where you stand just depends on why you'd be okay with being a OW/OM and how you really feel about the whole situation.

Now, if I'm misinterpreting what you're asking, please correct me.

 

Nope not misinterpreting....

[Superchicken]

Hey Sunshine, here's one more for you to contemplate..

 

 

People always remember the mistakes/bad things you have done to them easier then the good things.

 

 

Try it.

Name 5 good things your spouse has done for you.

See how long that took.

Now, remember (ONLY) 5 things they did bad or mistakes..

 

 

Its just human nature, and probably for self protection. The brain is an amazing thing.

Problem is women think with their hearts, and men with their, well, lets leave it there..

 

 

Ted.

Edited May 13, 2017 by Superchicken