Am I making the right decision?

[HG04]

I need some advice,

 

I was seeing this girl for about 4 months and things were going really great.

We were very affectionate together and spent lots of time going on dates and really enjoyed eachothers company.

 

Now, suddenly she has told me that things are getting too serious between us and that she's not over her ex, and because of that she can't commit to anything.

 

She said she has had to break things off between us for both our best interests, as she does not want to string me along or hurt me.

 

She broke up with her ex two months before I met her, and it was a 4 year relationship, so I can understand her feelings.

 

I was given the "if I was going to be with somebody it would be you, but I need time and I don't know how long" speech.

 

Our contact has since our mature talk has dropped off to almost non existent.

 

Now, personally, I'm only living in delusion to think things will work out, right?

I can't see her suddenly calling me one day saying "I'm over my ex, let's hang out" right?

And I think it's fair to assume she will meet somebody else and that'll be that

 

Surely I'm doing the right thing by cutting off contact completely? (I removed her from all social media)

 

Honestly I'm still shocked, if I could be with somebody it would be her for sure... but obviously that's not an option.

 

Should I be trying hard to keep her in contact and eventually win her back, or am I right in thinking it's a lost cause?

 

Thanks

[Fresnite]

You are right thinking it's a lost cause and it was smart to get rid of everything that reminded you of her.

 

If there is any chance of her wanting to be with you, she will let you know, but don't wait and hold onto that.

 

Move on meet new people, make friends, you will find a new girl.

 

If the off chance she hits you up later on, if you are single and still want to go for her than right on, but even then it probably wouldn't be the best.

 

It sounds like she was trying to be nice and let you off easy.

 

If someone is interested in someone rarely do they ever let them go.

[d0nnivain]

She was trying to let you down gently. You did the right thing by cutting her out of your life.

 

 

The small silver lining is you pick good people who try to be nice, even when doing the difficult thing of hurting somebody else's feelings.

[preraph]

I moved on from one love to another pretty much overnight and once I did, I truly lost most of my feelings for the first one and was able to just view him as a friend and didn't want him back. I think most people, if they found the right next boyfriend, they would be more able to move forward and that if they're saying they're not, it's because her interest isn't strong enough in you to forget about him. I mean, it's still early, so yes, maybe it would develop with time, but that wouldn't have been the case with me.

[missdixie3333]

You were only seeing her 4 months. You just didn't know each other well enough to make any real decisions about how things would go. She realized she wasn't over her ex or wasn't ready to move on or she was using this an excuse as to why she didn't want to continue with you. This is nothing against you- keep that in mind. In the 4 months of dating, you have learned she is not the one for you.

 

 

You never want to be with someone that doesn't completely want to be with you. So, you learned she's not what you need- so I'd let it go.

 

Her speech is akin to 'it's not you, it's me', which is usually a way to say that you two are not a match.

 

 

People have trouble when they think dating means permanence. Dating is simply an exercise to FIND OUT if the two of you are compatible. So, you found out dating her that she isn't a match for you. You want X, she doesn't, so you move on to find someone that wants what you want and is fully engaged. If you keep hoping she'll come back, you're wasting time and energy that you could spend finding the right person for you. Hoping that someday the person that broke up with you will realize how great you were for them never really pays off.

 

 

You can't 'win' someone back that has shown you they aren't a good fit. She wasn't completely available to begin with and fighting to make her what you want isn't going to end well. Spend your time looking for the right person. We tend to waste too much time on the 'what if's' instead of dropping bad matches and pursuing good ones.

 

 

What you want is a person that you have a great connection with, are affectionate with, and knows you're the right person and things keep developing between you. Keep looking until you find that and don't settle for less. You'll be a much happier person with the RIGHT woman instead of trying to pursue or force a relationship with someone that doesn't want what you want.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. She is coming out with all the lines which mean that she does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. Not over ex is possible but often means that a person does not feel as strongly about another as they did for their ex. It does not mean they want their ex back, but that they know the new person is not the one for them either.

 

I think you are right to try to move on. Someone will come along who really does want to be with you and would never say anything to put you off.

[RedBaron2765]

In relationships, breakups included, you should focus less on what people say and more on what they do. This girl is breaking up with you, that is what's important. Most likely, her reasons for doing so are BS concocted to make the breakup process easier.

 

If a woman lets you down gently like this, she isn't really into you. I doubt she will try and get with you again. In my experiences, the women who do try to contact you again are the ones where the breakup was a bit more harsh, maybe the result of a big argument or something. People don't generally argue with partners they don't care about, and those feelings can sometimes lead them back in your direction.

 

If I am wrong, and she does eventually try and get back with you, I would pass on her. She has proven that her feelings for you are lukewarm at best, and this likely will not change. If she returns, it will be because she is in a similar place than the one she was when she met you, rebound mode. She knows you are into her, and might pop back for the ego boost, but her feelings toward you are what they are, which will cause her to leave again.

 

Exactly - had a six-month relationship that the other party broke off suddenly, for the same generic reasons. Found out later that she met another guy and got married after knowing him for two months. Interesting thing is that the friend who set us up called me about six months after the break-up asking me if I'd like to attend a party at her house. She warned me that the ex would be there, so I told her thanks but no thanks. Glad I didn't go - would have been awkward finding out that she got married after only a couple of months.