Divorcing an alcoholic husband

[Maresy]

I have finally had enough and am expecting to file for divorce this month.

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. 2nd marriage for me, 3rd for him. We are both early 50s. I had inklings there was a drinking problem prior to our marriage but didn’t realize the extent. About a year after we were married, while he was passed out in the middle of the afternoon during a family vacation, his children told me he’s been an alcoholic for as long as they can remember. (They are in their 20s and 30s.)

 

I tried to learn to live with it, al anon, etc. But I find it difficult to detach when he’s in my face with a drunken argument for hours. Refusing to leave the room and following me if I leave the room. My only option is leaving the house, which I resent because it’s MY house.

 

Thankfully we work opposite hours. I work 7am-4pm and he works 3pm-12:30am. So we only see each other on weekends. He doesn’t appear to drink during the week, so it doesn’t affect his job. However he drinks pretty consistently all weekend long. So I only get the drunk version of him.

 

6 months ago I told him I wanted a divorce. He begged for one more chance saying he would do anything for me to stay. I knew it wouldn’t last but felt like I needed to give it one last shot. The only thing he wouldn’t agree to was counselling. (So not really anything for me to stay…) He stayed sober for 2 months and then it was back to the same as it was before.

 

I can’t stay with the drunk version of him any longer, saying terrible things. Things no man should say to his wife. I’m not claiming to be perfect but I know I can’t save him and I can’t let him destroy me just because I love him. If there is anything I’ve learned through this marriage it’s that love is certainly not enough.

 

The decision to divorce him is killing me. In spite of everything I truly do love him. I’ve barely eaten all week. I was diagnosed with an inflammatory joint/autoimmune disease last week and I’m thinking the stress of the past year may have kick started it. (My doctor asked if there had been any traumatic event, which could trigger it in my system.)

 

I guess there is nothing specific I’m looking for advice on. Just needed to get it all out.

[SaveYourHeart]

You are so strong. You will get through this. Praying for you.

[mikeylo]

Unfortunately if he has been an alcoholic all his life, 2 months of staying away is very short lived, on tops he is in his 50s.

 

Sorry you are in this position but should leave him for your sanity.

[clefairy]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. While my ex-husband wasn't an alcoholic, he had some severe anger issues that he refused to acknowledge and try to work on. It still bothers me (almost 11 months later) that he could have saved our marriage but he chose himself. You are incredibly brave for walking away - you need to choose yourself and your own happiness. He can only get help if he actually wants help, it's out of your hands till then.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Now is the time to take care of yourself. You know what you need to do. Gather your strength, pack your things, and find somewhere else to go.

 

If he has been an alcoholic for that long, it's highly unlikely that he he will get sober. You need to protect yourself and get away from his abuse.

 

Best wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Keep going to your al anon meetings. They will give you strength

[1fish2fish]

I am so very sorry you're in this situation. Alcoholics are good at hiding their disease, aren't they?

 

You are an incredibly strong woman for making this decision.