Keeping the secret?

[waterwoman]

I told two people. one was my best female friend for support. the other was the wife of a couple we were close to, from some things that happened I suspected they knew something and I wanted them to know I knew so they could stop worrying about what to do. that was it. I was angry but also humiliated so why would I want anyone else to know.

 

Over the next few months I realised that a hell of a lot of people knew as well thanks to the fact h and Ow worked in a school and schools grow rumours like weeds! That hurt a lot - turning up to a party and have a random stranger tell me that I was far more attractive than they expected considering and 'don't know why he did it'. Urgh ! H used to want to take me to school events to show me nothing was going on and that he was proud of me, I just spent the whole time waiting for the bomb to drop.

 

I grew a much thicker skin!!!

[Hummingbird29]

As an OW I felt I should hop in on here and give you my two cents and perhaps it might help. My MM's wife has caught us six times in almost three years. She goes ballistic and punishes my MM for about a day each time. Either one night he has to stay at his dad's or on the couch. They have children. Then she tells him to have no further contact with me. We work together but she has never made him find a new job, or even look. He tells her the affair is over and we aren't speaking. She has never told a soul about the affair. She doesn't want anyone to think their marriage is anything but perfect. Every time she catches us she only wants to scream at me. She never seems to think her husband has any control and that it's all my fault. I'm not in her shoes so I can't assume how she feels, but by keeping everything a secret from her friends and family and not giving my MM any consequences, our affair has not stopped. It is only more intense now because we feel we are being 'forced' to hide our 'love'. A BS cannot stop the cheating without consequences. At least not in our case. I sometimes wish she would so I could have a real life with a real man who is single. As it stands now we are addicted to one another and have only taken our affair deeper underground. And she believes him when he says it's over with me. But it never was. Always lasts one or two days then back on like ahouse on fire. Just my two cents as a single OW. Keeping it a secret keeps the fire burning.

[purplesorrow]

As an OW I felt I should hop in on here and give you my two cents and perhaps it might help. My MM's wife has caught us six times in almost three years. She goes ballistic and punishes my MM for about a day each time. Either one night he has to stay at his dad's or on the couch. They have children. Then she tells him to have no further contact with me. We work together but she has never made him find a new job, or even look. He tells her the affair is over and we aren't speaking. She has never told a soul about the affair. She doesn't want anyone to think their marriage is anything but perfect. Every time she catches us she only wants to scream at me. She never seems to think her husband has any control and that it's all my fault. I'm not in her shoes so I can't assume how she feels, but by keeping everything a secret from her friends and family and not giving my MM any consequences, our affair has not stopped. It is only more intense now because we feel we are being 'forced' to hide our 'love'. A BS cannot stop the cheating without consequences. At least not in our case. I sometimes wish she would so I could have a real life with a real man who is single. As it stands now we are addicted to one another and have only taken our affair deeper underground. And she believes him when he says it's over with me. But it never was. Always lasts one or two days then back on like ahouse on fire. Just my two cents as a single OW. Keeping it a secret keeps the fire burning.

 

You're the one that controls your future. Why is it dependent on his wife? I do hope she outs you both. Maybe then you could understand her humiliation. If he needs consequences to stop, he's not worth having.

[cocorico]

I'm wondering though, if there's a case for keeping the privacy of your intimate life; well, private?

 

I think it really depends on context. I've seen it go many ways - the BS who takes to social media slagging off the WS, only to meet with horror and withdrawal from friends recoiling from TMI; the BS who withdraws, tells no one but their changed behaviour fans the gossip and their obvious embarrassment gets interpreted as shame and leads to speculation about "what they did to provoke the infidelity"; the BS who confides in supportive friends who rally round, providing wine and a shoulder, but no judgment; the BS who tells no one but friends work it out from clues, and offer support without directly broaching the topic... You know your situation, your friends, family and others, and how it's likely to go down. You also know what you need in terms of support, and where best to get it. There are advantages and risks to confiding.

 

I worked in an environment where infidelity was de rigeur. Support was available to BS, WS, or APs who disclosed. Support was less available to anyone creating drama, however. A BS who tried to blow up the workplace where her WS and his AP also worked was dismissed, and blacklisted from future employment. A WS who started behaving erratically under pressure from the A was offered counselling and a performance improvement plan, but when he showed no inclination to resolve the situation, he was dismissed. An AP who made a scene when the WS dumped her was likewise offered support but later dismissed when she kept fanning the drama flames. How and where you disclose matters.

 

My H informed his HR after he left xBW (she had worked there, in a different department, and still had some professional ties) and received nothing but support. When she tried to make a scene it did not end well for her.

[deadsoul]

As an OW I felt I should hop in on here and give you my two cents and perhaps it might help. My MM's wife has caught us six times in almost three years. She goes ballistic and punishes my MM for about a day each time. Either one night he has to stay at his dad's or on the couch. They have children. Then she tells him to have no further contact with me. We work together but she has never made him find a new job, or even look. He tells her the affair is over and we aren't speaking. She has never told a soul about the affair. She doesn't want anyone to think their marriage is anything but perfect. Every time she catches us she only wants to scream at me. She never seems to think her husband has any control and that it's all my fault. I'm not in her shoes so I can't assume how she feels, but by keeping everything a secret from her friends and family and not giving my MM any consequences, our affair has not stopped. It is only more intense now because we feel we are being 'forced' to hide our 'love'. A BS cannot stop the cheating without consequences. At least not in our case. I sometimes wish she would so I could have a real life with a real man who is single. As it stands now we are addicted to one another and have only taken our affair deeper underground. And she believes him when he says it's over with me. But it never was. Always lasts one or two days then back on like ahouse on fire. Just my two cents as a single OW. Keeping it a secret keeps the fire burning.

 

You're right. Because BW has not told anyone and only "yells" at him, he won't stop. This is a case where it sounds like it will need to get exposed to others so he will either make the choice to be with you or R with his wife. Because her actions make it clear that she isn't going to leave him. This sounds like a sad situation all the way around.