Keeping the secret?

[drifter777]

I was totally ashamed for my wife and her disgusting behavior. I was also mortified that I was fooled by her so much that I would marry such a slut. Within a day or so I went to talk to my pastor as he was one of the few people I felt I could trust to maybe find some way to help me feel a little better and would keep this secret. No real help but I remember feeling encouraged by speaking to him about it.

 

Other than that I have told my current counselor - that's it. I am sure that my wife's family knows all about it but they are either dead, estranged, or thousands of miles away. None of them ever said a word on the subject to me or around me.

 

I still feel the same shame for her and disgust for myself and will never tell another soul. No reason for further humiliation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I was totally ashamed for my wife and her disgusting behavior. I was also mortified that I was fooled by her so much that I would marry such a slut. Within a day or so I went to talk to my pastor as he was one of the few people I felt I could trust to maybe find some way to help me feel a little better and would keep this secret. No real help but I remember feeling encouraged by speaking to him about it.

 

Other than that I have told my current counselor - that's it. I am sure that my wife's family knows all about it but they are either dead, estranged, or thousands of miles away. None of them ever said a word on the subject to me or around me.

 

I still feel the same shame for her and disgust for myself and will never tell another soul. No reason for further humiliation.

 

Drifter...you always break my heart....peace my friend

[deadsoul]

My kids know. Intimate details I didn't feel they needed to know. But BH felt they did. BH's immediate family knows. They don't want to talk or see me. They've indicated they will not attend any functions I'm at nor am I to attend ones they are at. Some friends know. They've all been very supportive (which surprised me).

 

I don't feel I have a choice in the matter of who knows. But it makes R more difficult.

 

But as I always tell myself: take a day at a time and time heals.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I honestly feel fine with it, I don't want to tell anyone because I'm personally embarrassed by it, and I don't want other people to look at my W as "tainted" or less than because of what she did. That said, am I setting myself up for disaster? I'm not sure "disclose, far and wide" has any value once the A is over and the healing begins; I'd be curious to see what others think.

 

I have told very few people about my wife's affair. I have several reasons for this approach. Like you, I don't want other people to view my wife in that light. She's not that person anymore.

 

Soon after D-day I shared my situation with a few close friends. I quickly learned that other people don't want to be burdened with that type of knowledge.

 

My wife's family is aware of what happened. On my side of the family, only one sibling knows.

 

Granted, if I had divorced her I would've been open with the reason why.

[Unforseen]

I told my support circle, and my boss. I tried to go to work the next day after discovery and was a useless lump. My WW only told her IC. She still feels a great deal of shame, but we're working on it.

 

While part of the cure for her shame and my shame is reaching out and telling our stories, we do have to be careful who is on that list. If all you're going to get back is judgemental responses it would be better to keep it a secret. Being judged or condemned can drive one even further into shame and that's just not a healthy place to be. Especially and such a time of vulnerability.

 

Finding that empathetic friend or family member or even spouse though, can make all the difference in the world and keep such a destructive event and feeling from corroding your entire being and existence.

[drifter777]

My kids know. Intimate details I didn't feel they needed to know. But BH felt they did. BH's immediate family knows. They don't want to talk or see me. They've indicated they will not attend any functions I'm at nor am I to attend ones they are at. Some friends know. They've all been very supportive (which surprised me).

 

I don't feel I have a choice in the matter of who knows. But it makes R more difficult.

 

But as I always tell myself: take a day at a time and time heals.

 

Time alone heals nothing. Unless his family is willing to give you a chance to earn their forgiveness. Their stubborn, unwillingness to give you another chance might wear down a bit over time but try to remember that you will be "on probation" for a long time with them.

 

Have you told anyone?

[Unforseen]

My kids know. Intimate details I didn't feel they needed to know. But BH felt they did. BH's immediate family knows. They don't want to talk or see me. They've indicated they will not attend any functions I'm at nor am I to attend ones they are at. Some friends know. They've all been very supportive (which surprised me).

 

I don't feel I have a choice in the matter of who knows. But it makes R more difficult.

 

But as I always tell myself: take a day at a time and time heals.

 

Sadly you are probably correct in not having a choice. Whatever the BS needs to do to heal...Right? Maybe or maybe not. I know I mad a great many stupid and wreckless decisions and even said some horrible and mean things to my WW while I was stuck in that seeming bottomless spiral of anger, hurt, and shame. Fortunetly most of my bad choices were primarily self destructive (yeah, like I was the only one hurt...) and my W weathered the storm of my anger and sadness (she only once started packing her bags to leave). But I remembered her biggest fear as we talked about who needed to know about her A was that she was scared to death that person would then hate her. That was very enlightening for me to see that fear and shame in her. It also made me rethink who I needed to tell our story to and really look at the reason why I thought I had to. It almost became a selfish thing for me. Yes I could tell this person, but what would that do for me?

 

I know my WW was supposed to do all the heavy lifting in the R, but such was my desire to have her in my life that I found myself supporting her until such time that she had been able to start doing some of the work. Yes that approach did make the R more difficult on me, but had I not handled things that way I don't think there would have been an R to even worry about.

 

I hope that you and your H continue to grow closer together and keep up the good work to cultivate the love between you. I wish you the best.

[Mrs. John Adams]

i have never understood how people can be so judgemental towards others.

 

For example.....

 

John's ap was a single woman. We saw her engagement picture in the paper. Why would i contact her fiance to tell him that his future wife cheated with my husband. What would that prove? and what damage would that cause to her relationship with him...and please tell me for what? For revenge? Why?

 

Once a cheater always a cheater? Do I not bestow on her the same forgiveness that i have been given? She is not a horrible person. Yes...John could have left me to go to her...but he didn't.

 

Now had he chosen her over me...I might sing a different song.

 

For God's sake..I cheated....and i want forgiveness and respect. How can I ask for forgiveness...if I am not willing to forgive?

 

I dont get it sometimes folks....I just dont.

 

some of the repsonses on this thread by WAYWARDS make me sick....Revenge is the right answer...however I deserve forgiveness. ok....what goes around comes around...,.,and i am so glad you are so much better than the AP of your spouse when you cheated first.

[jenkins95]

Great idea for a thread OT

 

When I disclosed my affair, I offered to go and tell our family and friends, I even got my coat on, got my car keys and was about to walk out of the door...on my way to my parents house to tell them. After all, they were sure to notice a change in us, and this would at least explain why.

 

But my wife stopped me. She was so utterly humiliated and felt such shame, that she said she didn't want anyone to know - never, ever. This was private and only us should ever know about it. She even extended this to professional counsellors - she didn't want MC (even though I did), and she didn't want either of us to go to IC. I disagreed - I really wanted to see an IC, but I respected her wishes - the BS must be allowed to take the lead when dictating the terms of R.

 

Considering we never had any counselling, we are doing so well. I'm so lucky to have been given another chance.

 

I'm also very lucky to have you guys - you've been my ICs and you're doing a great job!!

 

Keep the great posts going.

[deadsoul]

Time alone heals nothing. Unless his family is willing to give you a chance to earn their forgiveness. Their stubborn, unwillingness to give you another chance might wear down a bit over time but try to remember that you will be "on probation" for a long time with them.

 

Have you told anyone?

 

No. Time doesn't. But the work I put in during that time will help... I hope.

 

Yes, I've told some of my close friends. And one person on my side of the family knows.

 

I have no expectations that his family will forgive and I get that. Holidays are going to be a struggle. Even this Sunday has already set us back quite a bit.

[road]

We kept it a secret. Our private life is our private life. I had zero desire to air all our dirty laundry publicly.

 

When he cheated, I told my best friend a way toned down version (and like Adams says, it was never really spoken about again).

 

When I cheated.... I know my brother in law knows, but really no one else. And I am closer to my BIL than ever, lucky for me he doesn't hold it against me.

 

I bet your SIL knows as well. And I sure it has been slowly leaking out

through the years.

[road]

Just a note on the bolded; I didn't want her to disclose the PA to her family, I did want her to disclose the EA. So if anyone was rugsweeping, it was me not her.

 

No matter who uses the broom the sweeping is still bad.

[road]

I see exposure as a consequence...one of the only consequences a waywards can have. Without consequences, what's stopping them from doing it again?

 

I wanted to read the whole thread before I addressed this.

 

A fact, affairs tend to restart, or the WS tends to have more affairs

because there was no consequences for the WS to face. Exposure, many

mistake is not just to get and an affair to stop. It is also a tool to keep

another affair in the future and thirdly it gets the WS and the BS the

support they need from family members during a crisis time in their

lives.

 

No exposure or limited exposure has worked in some cases when

the WS gives up the AP cold turkey, instant NC and never breaks NC.

[road]

I was totally ashamed for my wife and her disgusting behavior. I was also mortified that I was fooled by her so much that I would marry such a slut. Within a day or so I went to talk to my pastor as he was one of the few people I felt I could trust to maybe find some way to help me feel a little better and would keep this secret. No real help but I remember feeling encouraged by speaking to him about it.

 

Other than that I have told my current counselor - that's it. I am sure that my wife's family knows all about it but they are either dead, estranged, or thousands of miles away. None of them ever said a word on the subject to me or around me.

 

I still feel the same shame for her and disgust for myself and will never tell another soul. No reason for further humiliation.

 

Don't remember if you D or R. Though when the humiliation is to such

a high level I can see a BH keeping his mouth shut. Remember though

you did nothing to be ashamed. That load falls onto your WW to carry.

[road]

i have never understood how people can be so judgemental towards others.

 

For example.....

 

John's ap was a single woman. We saw her engagement picture in the paper. Why would i contact her fiance to tell him that his future wife cheated with my husband. What would that prove? and what damage would that cause to her relationship with him...and please tell me for what? For revenge? Why?

 

Once a cheater always a cheater? Do I not bestow on her the same forgiveness that i have been given? She is not a horrible person. Yes...John could have left me to go to her...but he didn't.

 

Now had he chosen her over me...I might sing a different song.

 

For God's sake..I cheated....and i want forgiveness and respect. How can I ask for forgiveness...if I am not willing to forgive?

 

I dont get it sometimes folks....I just dont.

 

some of the repsonses on this thread by WAYWARDS make me sick....Revenge is the right answer...however I deserve forgiveness. ok....what goes around comes around...,.,and i am so glad you are so much better than the AP of your spouse when you cheated first.

 

Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior.

 

So if this OW married this man. Then she had an affair this fine

young man was not protected for the truth of who he married

was withheld from him.

 

Who knows if she learnt her lesson.

 

Some people call it revenge others call is facing consequences.

[merrmeade]

My kids know. Intimate details I didn't feel they needed to know. But BH felt they did.

And here's why: If they don't know the nitty gritty - how far did it go - then it's not so bad. If it's not so bad, then the BS is NOT supported and understood by the most important people in BS's life. There's also the reason that's already been noted: It's the truth, and parents are the models for their children at any age. There's no such thing as modeling relative truthfulness.

 

Also, in my case, OW was a family member who supposedly told her kids at the same time as we told ours. However, I gradually realized that she couldn't have told them everything or possibly even the truth. They wouldn't have asked me to forgive her and renew relations with her, if she had. (Obviously that would have been the time for me to say that the reason we cannot is that she did x, y and z with my husband - and I wish I had. If the question is ever repeated, will say it.)

[road]

In the end everything is a risk we do in life. Everything is not

black and white. So if the affair is done and the BS can verify NC

in the end only the BS should be the one to have final say.

[merrmeade]

I wanted to read the whole thread before I addressed this.

 

A fact, affairs tend to restart, or the WS tends to have more affairs

because there was no consequences for the WS to face. Exposure, many

mistake is not just to get and an affair to stop. It is also a tool to keep

another affair in the future and thirdly it gets the WS and the BS the

support they need from family members during a crisis time in their

lives.

 

No exposure or limited exposure has worked in some cases when

the WS gives up the AP cold turkey, instant NC and never breaks NC.

The part in bold was my reality, but it took some years to understand it. Exposure is a very important tool to keep WS from repeating. And, yes, the BS especially needs to feel the outrage and support of those nearest and dearest.

 

Also, WS needs to receive forgiveness that is based on the WHOLE truth for it to be meaningful. Otherwise, it's simply one more person that s/he has lied to and has to keep lying to in order to be loved and respected. That reinforces to WS the necessity of lying, which becomes second-nature in all things. Exposure rips that option out by the roots, so that WS doesn't have to keep juggling stories and faking his own moral reputation. Until that happens, it simply is not an option for someone who's become adept at lying. It has to happen TO him; he'll never choose it.

[understand50]

Keeping the secret or telling depends on the circumstances. I think is the case where the couple wants to reconcile, not spreading the truth around is a big plus. I also want to comment on roads post

 

"A fact, affairs tend to restart, or the WS tends to have more affairs

because there was no consequences for the WS to face. Exposure, many

mistake is not just to get and an affair to stop. It is also a tool to keep

another affair in the future and thirdly it gets the WS and the BS the

support they need from family members during a crisis time in their

lives.

 

No exposure or limited exposure has worked in some cases when

the WS gives up the AP cold turkey, instant NC and never breaks NC. "

 

If you have this type of WS, then I think reconciliation is off the table. If the only way they will remain faithful is by having a negative reinforcement, this by it very nature does shows they do not know or will ever be able to have remorse, or a understanding on what they have done. Divorce is the only option here. Here is a key, not all WS are the same, not all affairs are the same. They must be judged individually, and weighed as such.

 

I do not want to remain married to someone who is staying for any other reason in that we love each other, or as there are times love can wain, for the family we have built together. So circumstances should drive, on who is told, and what. I also hold, that a BS has responsibilities to the WS, and if they are working on reconciliation, and the WS is doing what is needed to the best of their abilities, then telling everyone the details, or that it happens just brings pain and hurt to the WS for no good reason. My G/F, now wife, wounded me, we worked on it, why would I go out of my way to wound her? Same for John and Abigail, overtaxed and his wife, ETC.

 

Deadsoul, I am sorry your husband decided to expose so much. I think it will just add to the things to overcome to reconcile. At some time, if he truly gives you a second chance, I think he will realize it. In the mean time, take what is your burden and use it to make yourself a better person. It is hard, but I have respect for those that overcome and come out of it better, regaining their moral and honor. I wish I had, or there was a formula that could be done to do this, but as we are all different, so is the formula. Luck.

 

My two cents.....

[aliveagain]

If they won't protect you why are you expected to compromise your standards to protect them? When you chose a behaviour you chose the consequences that go with the behaviour. Make them earn their way back into your life or it won't have value to them.

[deadsoul]

If they won't protect you why are you expected to compromise your standards to protect them? When you chose a behaviour you chose the consequences that go with the behaviour. Make them earn their way back into your life or it won't have value to them.

 

While I see truth to this, I don't see how wearing the big scarlet A so everyone knows is valuable. I think it's up to the BS to decide, as you said, this is part of the consequences.

[deadsoul]

Keeping the secret or telling depends on the circumstances. I think is the case where the couple wants to reconcile, not spreading the truth around is a big plus. I also want to comment on roads post

 

"A fact, affairs tend to restart, or the WS tends to have more affairs

because there was no consequences for the WS to face. Exposure, many

mistake is not just to get and an affair to stop. It is also a tool to keep

another affair in the future and thirdly it gets the WS and the BS the

support they need from family members during a crisis time in their

lives.

 

No exposure or limited exposure has worked in some cases when

the WS gives up the AP cold turkey, instant NC and never breaks NC. "

 

If you have this type of WS, then I think reconciliation is off the table. If the only way they will remain faithful is by having a negative reinforcement, this by it very nature does shows they do not know or will ever be able to have remorse, or a understanding on what they have done. Divorce is the only option here. Here is a key, not all WS are the same, not all affairs are the same. They must be judged individually, and weighed as such.

 

I do not want to remain married to someone who is staying for any other reason in that we love each other, or as there are times love can wain, for the family we have built together. So circumstances should drive, on who is told, and what. I also hold, that a BS has responsibilities to the WS, and if they are working on reconciliation, and the WS is doing what is needed to the best of their abilities, then telling everyone the details, or that it happens just brings pain and hurt to the WS for no good reason. My G/F, now wife, wounded me, we worked on it, why would I go out of my way to wound her? Same for John and Abigail, overtaxed and his wife, ETC.

 

Deadsoul, I am sorry your husband decided to expose so much. I think it will just add to the things to overcome to reconcile. At some time, if he truly gives you a second chance, I think he will realize it. In the mean time, take what is your burden and use it to make yourself a better person. It is hard, but I have respect for those that overcome and come out of it better, regaining their moral and honor. I wish I had, or there was a formula that could be done to do this, but as we are all different, so is the formula. Luck.

 

My two cents.....

 

It's part of my consequences, right? I have no right to tell him who to tell or who not to tell. MC says though that this situation is between us and no one else and if he decides to R, the others have to get on board too, which isn't easy, but it puts him in an awkward place because if he's saying, "Hey I want to R and I need you to support me in this." and if they choose not to, there's not anything anyone can do about it. I still can't tell you we will make it through this. Some days I feel there is a possibility and other days it feels hopeless.

 

Bottom line is, don't have the A. Then there's nothing anyone has to keep secret. Too bad those who are on the cusp of one will not heed this advice and will have to learn the hard way.

[Unforseen]

It's part of my consequences, right? I have no right to tell him who to tell or who not to tell. MC says though that this situation is between us and no one else and if he decides to R, the others have to get on board too, which isn't easy, but it puts him in an awkward place because if he's saying, "Hey I want to R and I need you to support me in this." and if they choose not to, there's not anything anyone can do about it. I still can't tell you we will make it through this. Some days I feel there is a possibility and other days it feels hopeless.

 

Bottom line is, don't have the A. Then there's nothing anyone has to keep secret. Too bad those who are on the cusp of one will not heed this advice and will have to learn the hard way.

 

Deadsoul, I understand what you are saying here even though I'm on the otherwise of the fence. Even though my W and I are working our hardest at R, there are days when I wonder if we can make it. That rollercoaster ride of hope and hopelessness can wear you out. From everything you have been saying it sounds like you are giving this chance at R everything that you have. There are many people here that are proud of your efforts and the way you have been handling yourself through these difficult times. I hope and pray that you are able to keep a glimmer of hope alive in yourself and from the sounds of it you will keep working with all that you are to make this R happen.

 

Best wishes for you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well the bottom line is how does the couple want to handle it. There is no right or wrong... it is what is right for you.

 

Quite frankly... my life is no ones else's business

 

And it isn't your place to tell anyone else my business and it isn't my business to tell anyone else yours.

 

Nor is it my place to tell you how to handle your business.

 

Dead soul...your husband did what he thought was right for him at the time and it may very well jeopardize your reconciliation at the end of the day.

 

Here's the thing... if you are doing all you can do and it turns out that you don't reconcile... you will know you gave it your best shot. That's all any of us can do.

[sandylee1]

It's a personal choice, but I think over exposure would not help reconciliation.

 

Exposing to the OBS is okay and possibly to your WSs family, as a means of support.

 

I know that if I disclosed an A my husband had to my own family, they would not forgive him and whilst they wouldn't ban him from coming to family events, they'd probably keep their distance and loose respect for him.

 

They just wouldn't see him the same way again, especially as they all get on so well with him.

 

He would find himself excluded from things that my brothers and other brother in laws do together and I think he'd struggle to cope with that. I would also feel ashamed, knowing the reason he's excluded and it would be the elephant in the room with my sisters.

 

If I was divorcing him, then I'd absolutely tell my family and his family why.