Divorce, I dont want it, she does

[mlacourse7]

My wife and I have know each other for 7 years, been married for almost 3. She just dropped the divorce bomb after she too said she doesn't feel loved. I am shocked because I do about 90% of the workload with the kids, and tried to give her the romantic type relationship and show her more love and affection. She said she does not feel she is getting enough emotional connection during sex as well. I have been absolutely shattered these last 8 weeks and can barely get through a work day without stress. I have tried to do things like lost weight (lost 50 pounds) and give her more affection. She since then (and always has) gives hot and cold responses to my attempts to love her. Everyone including her family says I deserver better and she may be an emotionally abusive person. I do love her with all of my heart and want my family to be complete. She since then has blocked me on facebook, but still calls me everyday for venting, and since then has said we will remain friends, even though nothing has changed in living situations and my workload, and sleeping in different rooms. She still likes to give me hugs in the morning in which I attempt to kiss her a lot and she pulls away. I want to do all the things to make her feel loved, and I think a lot of traumatic life events have changed the way she lets herself feel love. Will sticking this out give her the opportunity to see I have been here all along and am willing to work on my flaws?

 

I feel a since of resentment because I feel I am being used, but I cant help but love her anyway and want to try to change her mind. I constantly get let down and yelled at, and all of our conversations go back into the way that she felt during our marraige, and my feelings only upset her. She has a fairytale expectation of what love is, but I am willing to do everything I can to give it to her, but she wont take it. She has since then been involved in emotional affairs, and seeking justification with people that only want to hang out, and not really take care of what she needs in a person.

 

She also does not clean up after herself, and is very selfish when it comes to how the kids will be affected in this divorce. I am constantly carrying the pain and sorrow of this situation and I want nothing more to restore her love in me. She also said things like shes not physically attracted to me anymore.

 

The story of it is, nothing has changed, other than the fact that we arent having sex, and are not sleeping together or showing romanticism.

 

PLEASE HELP, what do I do to repair this marriage. I have prayed, lost weight, tried to talk and understand her feelings. WHAT CAN I DO?

 

Thank you everyone.

[BaileyB]

Do you really think this relationship can be repaired or should be repaired?

 

It takes two to have a happy marriage, and your wife does not seem very invested in creating a happy home for you or your children. At a certain point, you really do have to have the strength and dignity to say - "I have done everything that I could to be a good husband, but I will not allow you to walk all over me..."

[kgcolonel]

MLA, First, I am very sorry you are in this situation, trust me the course of action is one that is going to be difficult.

 

For one to regain the respect, love and closeness that a M requires, one must be willing to lose it to regain it.

 

You need to stop being the needy one as hard as it is but begin to detach yourself. Start working out, eating healthy and taking care of yourself.

 

Don't cater to her but focus on your own recovery, not the recovery of the M, you can't control that and if you continue to focus on the recovery of the M, you'll drive yourself insane.

 

I would also suggest to speak with an attorney to see where you stand and possibly even file for divorce. This does two things, 1. you will regain some of your power in this equation and 2. you'll not be wasting time in the process. If you two decide at some point to R, the D can be paused or stopped but if the M is lost, you'll not have to start the clock at a later time and can begin your healing sooner.

 

I know this is tough but it is the course when someone tells you the things your wife has told you....

[BaileyB]

My wife said she doesn't feel loved. I am shocked because I do about 90% of the workload with the kids, and tried to give her the romantic type relationship and show her more love and affection. She said she does not feel she is getting enough emotional connection during sex as well.

 

Everyone including her family says I deserver better and she may be an emotionally abusive person.

 

She since then has blocked me on facebook

 

She still likes to give me hugs in the morning in which I attempt to kiss her a lot and she pulls away.

 

I constantly get let down and yelled at.

 

She has a fairytale expectation of what love is, but I am willing to do everything I can to give it to her, but she wont take it. She has since then been involved in emotional affairs.

 

She also does not clean up after herself, and is very selfish when it comes to how the kids will be affected in this divorce.

 

So, you do most of the work around the house and with the kids. She yells at you, she's blocked you on Facebook, she's having emotional affairs...

 

But, she has the nerve to try and tell you that she doesn't feel loved. And you say, she MAY be an emotionally abusive person.

 

Yeah, I'd say that what she is doing to you is emotionally abusive. The question is, why do you want to stay with this woman? Why are you bending over backward to try to make her happy and "earn back her love?"

 

I can appreciate the fact that you want to keep your family together, but if she was my wife... She would be looking for somewhere else to sleep tonight. She would be out the door and out of my life...

[mlacourse7]

Is it possible she hits a mental block in this as well. She seems to not realize she is going to be losing everything in a husband that she may not want, but NEEDS. If I do decide to stay, which financially I will have to for a while, do people like this ever feel guilt and wake up and realize they are throwing our life away over "not feeling loved"

 

Yes, I could have done more as a husband and she did come to me multiple times saying she needed more. I asked specifically what, and the response was "I need to tell you how to love a woman?"

 

My response, was no, you need to tell me how to love you.

 

I cant help but play loyal hound at this point because all the happy times we had together have flooded my minds of starting over. I want the perfect picture of our family again.

 

She also has started a new job where she is the boss 6 months ago, lost weight, and may have some midlife crisis traits. I mean I know I deserve better in this, but I still feel she truly loves me, but also cant let go. She may have mental illness too, and I guess I am waiting for her to hit a block.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. You seem like a very nice man - a good husband and family man. There are women who would love to have a husband as caring and devoted as you have been.

 

I personally wouldn't wait around for her to have an epiphany and decide to reinvest in the relationship and in the family. By your description, she has some significant issues that make it difficult for her to be the kind of partner that you want her to be. Don't spend your life waiting for someone to change... Because that may never happen.

 

I also wouldn't tolerate her disrespectful and hurtful behavior. People treat others badly only when they are allowed to do so...

 

At some point, you will have to accept that you can't have a marriage when you are the only person investing in the relationship. I'm sorry.

[mlacourse7]

I appreciate your honesty.

 

The worse part about all of this is I got into cruise control, but still did all my duties, but somewhat ignored her feelings because I didnt know what or how to change.

 

She said shes felt lost for months before this came up, is it possible I too am getting what I deserve because I neglected to change?

 

The fact that I am still here should say something. And the fact that I want to work on my flaws. However she said she has lost that trust in me, and just wants to be alone.

 

I feel if I could just get her to let her gaurd down one more time I would make it right.

 

I forgot to mention I married into the kids, but they see me as their father. They arent even mine biologically.

 

This is also coming from a woman who has been left with 2 kids (biologically not mine, mine at heart), a victim of domestic violence right before we met, and adopted. I feel she has deep rooted issues that I am getting the worse end of. I also feel me leaving her is not morally right to my values at this point as well, becuase to me it insuates giving up on the woman I love.

 

MAN I AM TRAPPED. FINANCIALLY, MENTALLY, I just dont get it. Something has got to give.

[BaileyB]

I appreciate your honesty.

 

The worse part about all of this is I got into cruise control, but still did all my duties, but somewhat ignored her feelings because I didnt know what or how to change.

 

She said shes felt lost for months before this came up, is it possible I too am getting what I deserve because I neglected to change?

 

The fact that I am still here should say something. And the fact that I want to work on my flaws. However she said she has lost that trust in me, and just wants to be alone.

 

I feel if I could just get her to let her gaurd down one more time I would make it right.

 

I forgot to mention I married into the kids, but they see me as their father. They arent even mine biologically.

 

This is also coming from a woman who has been left with 2 kids (biologically not mine, mine at heart), a victim of domestic violence right before we met, and adopted. I feel she has deep rooted issues that I am getting the worse end of. I also feel me leaving her is not morally right to my values at this point as well, becuase to me it insuates giving up on the woman I love.

 

MAN I AM TRAPPED. FINANCIALLY, MENTALLY, I just dont get it. Something has got to give.

 

I'm not really sure what you could have done to warrant her to treat you badly. You sound like a nice man, and even if you were busy with your responsibilities and not attending to her feelings... the fact that she has told you this and you are trying to do as she asks now should be respected. It does sound like she has some deep rooted issues that affect her ability to have a healthy relationship. I think the greater problem is within her, and I wouldn't be so quick to take the blame for all the problems in your marriage...

 

Do you have the ability to speak with a marriage counsellor? Would she be willing to do this, or has she totally checked out of your marriage?

[mikeylo]

To me it seems like too little too late, from your side. Her resentment has built up over a period of time and she has reached the point of indifference.There is hardly coming back from it.

 

If she wants MC, then thats your only hope.Else, you might have to go for IC to help you through your divorce.

[mlacourse7]

She said she wont do the counseling. her parents also said she wouldnt in the past either before she met me. Thats all I want. even if she is cheating shes not going to find someone that will love her for who she is. Or who knows, maybe she will.

[BaileyB]

If she's cheating and she finds a man who wants to have a relationship with a woman who would lie, cheat, and be emotionally abusive to her partner... Then he will deserve exactly what he gets. A woman who does this to a man who loves her is not a good woman.

 

And, if she refuses to go to counselling, then you have your answer. She is done with the relationship when she is unwilling to invest and do what needs to be done to improve the situation.

 

I'm sorry, I think the writing is on the wall... At this point, I think you would be wise to consult an individual counsellor and a lawyer.

[mikeylo]

She has moved on emotionally from you, whatever the reasons.

 

All you can do at this stage is get a lawyer and go for IC.

[springy]

What you're doing (catering to her, groveling, pleading) is clearly not working.

 

Read this thread, start implementing the 180.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

You will feel better and hopefully start rebuilding your confidence. Begging, pleading, 'catering to' is not sexy or attractive to someone who has detached. If anything you are making the situation worse. Start ignoring her foolishness.

 

Really sorry you are going through this and I realize it is very painful for you, but you must toughen up some. Stop pleading with her to take you back or tell you how to love her.

[springy]

Do not accept phone calls for venting; if it's not about the kids or divorce arrangements DO NOT ENGAGE. Do not accept her offer of "friendship". Be cordial, but sitting around having long conversations about the future, how can I do this or that...not working for you. Time to try a new way.

 

You say nothing much has changed except - sex, sleeping together and romantic behaviors so basically you have been reduced to a roommate. Seems like a lot has changed to me.

 

Being Mr. Nice Guy is the worst thing you can do right now, you must start working toward showing her you are independent and not overly concerned. IF she is truly an emotionally abusive person she will try to manipulate or guilt trip you into continuing your husbandly duties (listening to her rant, catering to her, etc.). You've got to toughen up (at least in her presence). Have your meltdowns away from her.

 

Mr. Nice Guy won't work. I cannot stress that enough. A lot of people cannot bring themselves to do the 180 and end up in limbo for ridiculous lengths of time (I know this from personal experience sadly) - often with no benefit to repairing the relationship they say they want so badly.

Edited May 12, 2017 by springy

[mlacourse7]

If I do the 180 and leave for a week, I was going to write a letter telling her how I feel.

 

I am afraid that if I do leave she will take it as me abandoning the kids and her, and will never let me back in due to thats what all the guys in the past have done.

 

I guess I am afraid of losing all ties with her. I dont want to lose her in anyway so at this point I am taking what I can get.

 

What are the thoughts on this? Could it go on forever?

 

Or will she say "I guess I was right in leaving you because I knew this would happen" Or is she waiting to see how much I will withstand for her?

[springy]

If I do the 180 and leave for a week, I was going to write a letter telling her how I feel.

 

This is a terrible idea. Where has spilling all your emotions onto her gotten you? You are beating a dead horse.

 

I am afraid that if I do leave she will take it as me abandoning the kids and her, and will never let me back in due to thats what all the guys in the past have done.

 

Where are you going? I wouldn't suggest up and leaving town without saying a word, but you certainly needn't give her endless details about what you're up to either.

 

I guess I am afraid of losing all ties with her. I dont want to lose her in anyway so at this point I am taking what I can get.

 

Sad. You will not gain any respect from her with this mindset/behavior. You have no confidence. Sorry, this is not an attraction building trait.

 

What are the thoughts on this? Could it go on forever?

 

Or will she say "I guess I was right in leaving you because I knew this would happen" Or is she waiting to see how much I will withstand for her?

 

You are with a woman who has emotionally removed herself, has all kinds of issues she refuses to get help for, and won't go to counseling with you. At this very moment this is a lost cause. This will continue to be a pattern for her for as long as she refuses to face her issues. You can stay the nice guy course...but it will be to your own detriment.

 

I'm sure someone will chime in with a less bleak view for you, and perhaps a different opinion, but you cannot help someone who doesn't want help. You also should not stick around to be their doormat, getting heaps of fresh rejection piled onto you on a daily basis.

[Cephalopod]

I appreciate your honesty.

 

The worse part about all of this is I got into cruise control, but still did all my duties, but somewhat ignored her feelings because I didnt know what or how to change.

 

She said shes felt lost for months before this came up, is it possible I too am getting what I deserve because I neglected to change?

 

The fact that I am still here should say something. And the fact that I want to work on my flaws. However she said she has lost that trust in me, and just wants to be alone.

 

I feel if I could just get her to let her gaurd down one more time I would make it right.

 

I forgot to mention I married into the kids, but they see me as their father. They arent even mine biologically.

 

This is also coming from a woman who has been left with 2 kids (biologically not mine, mine at heart), a victim of domestic violence right before we met, and adopted. I feel she has deep rooted issues that I am getting the worse end of. I also feel me leaving her is not morally right to my values at this point as well, becuase to me it insuates giving up on the woman I love.

 

MAN I AM TRAPPED. FINANCIALLY, MENTALLY, I just dont get it. Something has got to give.

 

She needed to bail from a bad marriage and you, Mr. Nice Guy White Knight, came and rescued her and became a dad for her kids.

 

She never really loved you man. You were a means to an end, and now that you have served your purpose, it is time for you to go.

 

She cheats on you because she does not love you, or respect you, or ever has.

 

File for divorce and get away from this leech.

 

And while you are divorcing her sorry ass, do the 180:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

 

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

 

8. Do not buy gifts.

 

9. Do not schedule dates together.

 

10. Do not spy on spouse.

 

11. Do not say "I Love You".

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

 

21. Never lose your cool.

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

 

28. Be strong and confident.

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

 

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

[Downtown]

She may have mental illness too.... I feel she has deep rooted issues.

If she does exhibit symptoms of a mental illness, MLA, it most likely is one of the ten personality disorders. Such disorders tend to be invisible to the people suffering from them. This is why PD traits are said to be "egosyntonic," i.e., in such great harmony with the ego's needs and desires that the person usually regards them as perfectly natural. And this is why it is rare for a PD sufferer to seek individual therapy and stay in it long enough to make a real difference.

 

Indeed, unless the person is so low functioning that she is in enormous pain, a PD sufferer typically is unwilling to seek therapy. If your W really does suffer from strong traits of a PD, the most likely cause is believed to be genetics combined, perhaps, with a trauma (e.g., abuse or parental abandonment) occurring before age five. Hence, the loss of her parents and subsequent need for adoption could have played a major role.

 

Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., her alternating hot/cold responses to your attempts at affection, verbal abuse, icy withdrawals, and inability to trust and feel genuinely loved -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline PD) and, to a lesser extent, for AvPD (Avoidant PD). I'm not suggesting that your W necessarily has a full-blown PD but, rather, that she may be exhibiting moderate to strong symptoms of one.

 

Although it is easy to spot these symptoms when they occur strongly, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation.

 

It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, MLA.

[mikeylo]

Dude, I'm always for giving your best and saving relationships but here, your wife seems to have no emotions or feelings for you. She seems closed and has reached indifference. There isn't anything you can do.

 

Her reactions to you trying to get close to her is her way to tell you that she doesn't feel anything for you anymore. That's life. It happens.

 

Wish her well. Stop contact with her but meet the kids.

[jonathanhayashi]

mlacourse7,

 

I am sorry to hear you are having a difficulty in this season of your life and how it has been shattering experience as you’ve mentioned for the last 8 weeks.

 

Have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor? A lot of times it helps when you have someone else to come in and give tools and resources to work out some of the difficulties in the marriage relationship.

 

Also I want to recommend a book I’ve used for marriage counseling that I think will help you, “5 Love Language” by Gary Chaptan. It mentions that inside every child is an “emotional rani”s waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty 'love tank” What is her love language and yours? That depends, but if you both speak different language, that can only cause confusion or frustration.

 

I hope this is helpful. Praying for you all.

[mlacourse7]

I've decided to move out. She continues to be secretive and continues to take her work stress out on me. I have been very distant at home and not carrying conversations more than a couple word responses.

 

She says I'm being salty and have an attitude. Like I am supposed to be happy with how this is going down. Is this emotional abuse?

 

Why does she feel the need to be such a bad person when I am giving her exactly what she wants. She works all the time, and feels her work comes before my life and even her children's. Does this feeling ever die? She always complains about work, yet she is making it her whole life.

[OatsAndHall]

I think that it was a smart idea to move out... Remove yourself from the situation and clear your head as much as you can in this situation...

 

I catered to my ex-wife's bad behavior for several months before I finally left. It was very hard for me to leave and the separation was difficult. But, it allowed me to get into a rational frame of mind and start making decisions that weren't driven by emotion. I was out of a situation that continually triggered my anxiety and anger and was able to collect my thoughts and think about whether or not I wanted to remain in the marriage.

 

I would suggest that you seek legal advice with regards to the children. I too had step children and I didn't talk to a lawyer about gaining SOME kind of visitation with them. In the end, that rug was jerked out from underneath me and I haven't seen them in over a year..

[jjgitties]

Hi OP. I read your story. I am sorry you are going through this. You story sort of sounds similar to mind. My wife basically has fallen out love with me. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. I have found that trying to be a nice guy and trying to speak about my emotions to her is really getting nowhere and a pointless cause. We basically live in the same house and are room mates with children. We keep up a charade in front of the kids and pretend we are a happily married mom and dad.

 

It's a very difficult position to be in. You want to talk and you want to reconsile and try to make the marrage better but you can tell your spouse seems to have no feelings or sexual attraction towards you.

 

I will agree with other posters. Pleading and whining and exposing your deepest feelings is not attractive to a person that seems to have become indifferent to you. It just makes you come across as pathetic. That's sort of how I feel. I think its important to start building self confidence and your own dignity back up and prepare for the difficult decision and lie ahead.

 

If the M will get saves, it will require both parties, you and her to want to salvage it. You begging, pleading whining, crying and praying isn't enough to salvage it.

 

She says I'm being salty and have an attitude. Like I am supposed to be happy with how this is going down. Is this emotional abuse?

I dont know if its emotional abuse. I have no idea. I do think a women isn't going to just sit there are take complete blame for the marriage falling apart, even if she was the one that seems to have fallen out of love first. I am also fairly certain she will completely blame you for the marriage falling apart when speaking to other people about her failed marriage.

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited May 15, 2017 by jjgitties

[Marc878]

My wife and I have know each other for 7 years, been married for almost 3. She just dropped the divorce bomb after she too said she doesn't feel loved. I am shocked because I do about 90% of the workload with the kids, and tried to give her the romantic type relationship and show her more love and affection. She said she does not feel she is getting enough emotional connection during sex as well. I have been absolutely shattered these last 8 weeks and can barely get through a work day without stress. I have tried to do things like lost weight (lost 50 pounds) and give her more affection. She since then (and always has) gives hot and cold responses to my attempts to love her. Everyone including her family says I deserver better and she may be an emotionally abusive person. I do love her with all of my heart and want my family to be complete. She since then has blocked me on facebook, but still calls me everyday for venting, and since then has said we will remain friends, even though nothing has changed in living situations and my workload, and sleeping in different rooms. She still likes to give me hugs in the morning in which I attempt to kiss her a lot and she pulls away. I want to do all the things to make her feel loved, and I think a lot of traumatic life events have changed the way she lets herself feel love. Will sticking this out give her the opportunity to see I have been here all along and am willing to work on my flaws?

 

You do too much you lose respect. Marriage should be balanced @ 50/50. Do your share and no more.

 

I feel a since of resentment because I feel I am being used, but I cant help but love her anyway and want to try to change her mind. I constantly get let down and yelled at, and all of our conversations go back into the way that she felt during our marraige, and my feelings only upset her. She has a fairytale expectation of what love is, but I am willing to do everything I can to give it to her, but she wont take it. She has since then been involved in emotional affairs, and seeking justification with people that only want to hang out, and not really take care of what she needs in a person.

 

Check your phone bill she's probably having an affair

 

She also does not clean up after herself, and is very selfish when it comes to how the kids will be affected in this divorce. I am constantly carrying the pain and sorrow of this situation and I want nothing more to restore her love in me. She also said things like shes not physically attracted to me anymore.

 

The story of it is, nothing has changed, other than the fact that we arent having sex, and are not sleeping together or showing romanticism.

 

She's cut you off because she doesn't want to cheat on her other man

 

PLEASE HELP, what do I do to repair this marriage. I have prayed, lost weight, tried to talk and understand her feelings. WHAT CAN I DO?

 

Thank you everyone.

 

You can work yourself to the bone but if she's in an affair all the chasing and doing the "pick me dance" will just push her further away.

[Marc878]

Is it possible she hits a mental block in this as well. She seems to not realize she is going to be losing everything in a husband that she may not want, but NEEDS. If I do decide to stay, which financially I will have to for a while, do people like this ever feel guilt and wake up and realize they are throwing our life away over "not feeling loved"

 

Yes, I could have done more as a husband and she did come to me multiple times saying she needed more. I asked specifically what, and the response was "I need to tell you how to love a woman?"

 

My response, was no, you need to tell me how to love you.

 

I cant help but play loyal hound at this point because all the happy times we had together have flooded my minds of starting over. I want the perfect picture of our family again.

 

She also has started a new job where she is the boss 6 months ago, lost weight, and may have some midlife crisis traits. I mean I know I deserve better in this, but I still feel she truly loves me, but also cant let go. She may have mental illness too, and I guess I am waiting for her to hit a block.

 

Check your phone bill. Needy, clingy is unnattractive.

 

Better wake up