Give my dad the benefit of the doubt

[DadIssues]

Hello

 

I'd be grateful for some insight from those with experience as the other woman.

 

The issue is that I suspect my dad has had/is having an affair. I live away from home and my mum recently stayed with me for a weekend for my birthday. When she got back my dad and washed their bedsheets and mine - I still have a room there. I've learned to live with what I suspect is his betraya, but suspecting that he might have had sex with another woman on my bed is devastating. I have no evidence, just a lot of mistrust and surprise at his washing the bedsheets. Is it likely that he has been intimate with the other woman in our family home?

 

- on my birthday weekend, I didn't encourage dad to come. Honestly, inside he's dead to me. I want to love him but I can't now. During the weekend he sent me emails with pictures of the family together on holiday and for mums birthday. I found it strange but thought he must be feeling a bit left out. I thought nothing more until mum said that she came home to washed sheets - a lovely surprise... And that he had washed my sheets too. They don't always get washed between my stays. I went straight to suspicion. She was also so pleased because he had said that he missed her. i obviously didn't share my suspicions. My mum didn't sleep well over the course of the nights that followed. I believe my dad hasn't been sleeping well either - unconscious at play? I tried to rationalise it they live in a semi-detached with lots of neighbours who could see anything funny. Surely he wouldn't be that stupid and messed up?! But out of all the gestures of missing someone, washing the bedsheets? I can't shake the feeling that it doesn't sit well.

 

- I first realised he was having an affair when I was staying at home and he came back one evening wearing a new shirt. He smelt of cheap perfume (cliche but true) and was nervous. His hands where rigidly gripping his knees - like when you're at an interview and don't want to give away what you're thinking.

 

- For a matter of months he treated my mum with dreadful disdain.

 

- I confronted my dad in email. I didn't mention it explicitly but said that i noticed a change in how he was treating my mum and that it was making me unhappy. That a clean conscious is the approach to happiness... He reassured me that he loved my mum, that they would spend the rest of their lives together and said he didn't want to talk about it further.

 

- He pops out to the shops all the time. It takes him about an hour. When i was last at home, a couple of months after i implicitly confronted him, he did this. He came back with green tea bags for me. Guilty conscious? He also went straight to the garden without coming in to say hello - equivalent of a quick shower?

 

Please do share any thoughts or insights you have.

[somanymistakes]

Obviously I'm not there and I don't know your family, nothing I say is guaranteed to be right.

 

Given that you're most close to the situation, I suspect you're likely right that something has gone on. What, exactly, and how far it went, is too difficult to tell from a distance. Maybe he's been angry at your mother and flirting with other women, maybe he decided to seek out a paid companion, maybe there's a full-blown affair going on.

 

The thing about your bedsheets, though? I wouldn't necessarily go straight to him sleeping with another woman in your bed.

 

First off, I think doing it in your bedroom would register as creepy to both him and to any normal woman he might have over. Unless your bedroom is basically a guest room by this point, with no real signs of your personality in it? In that case MAYBE. But if it's still obviously his little girl's room (okay you may not actually be female I'm not sure, I'm projecting here) I think that would be pretty offputting to him and to her.

 

The other thing is that two sets of sheets were washed. Now, the only reason I can think of for using your bedroom would be if he had a hangup about being with another woman in the Marital Bed, and there is no comfortable couch anywhere in the house to use instead. But in that case why were both sets of sheets washed? Sure it could be 'washed one, may as well wash the other' but since you don't live there there'd be no real hurry to wash all the sheets if it was only yours they'd done anything with, and it would be easy to wash just yours and have you never notice, helping to hide the evidence.

 

My gut instinct is that either he had another woman in the marital bed OR he was up to some kinky self-pleasure and made a mess of that bed, and then decided that if he was washing some sheets he may as well wash all of them and try to show off that he's thoughtful and dutiful (and hide that he's feeling a bit guilty).

[anika99]

I don't think you have enough evidence to jump to the conclusion that he is cheating on your mom. Maybe he is but I think you are jumping the gun. Washing the sheets isn't proof of an affair. Smelling like perfume isn't proof an affair. Sometimes men do things that are borderline inappropriate and because they know they crossed a boundary they act super guilty. Like maybe your dad went out to see some strippers, flirted with the servers and hugged a dancer, getting the smell of her perfume on himself. That's inappropriate for a married man and may cause him to be jittery and guilty looking but it's not an affair.

[DadIssues]

Thanks for your reply, and logic. Yes, I'm his daughter. It's very disorienting to deplore your dad. I can't gauge the boundaries of his behaviour because I can't call him out explicitly. I have three siblings and don't want to be responsible for bringing this devastation into the lives of others. I'll never forgive him for brining into mine. But because I can't probe the situation and resolve it properly I've been left with a sense that absolutely nothing is beyond him. I've lost all trust.

 

But i think you're right. At worst, he was washing my sheets because he was washing theirs. I see bringing someone else into your marital bed as domineering and morally violent. Without being able to ask him outright I can't help but keep assuming the worst about him. You might think this is harsh but my dad used to be a religious minister, that he can be so immoral as to have an affair, or whatever, tears apart my understanding of who he is.

 

Does it make a difference that he's 66? When all of this started unfolding I was completely taken aback because I assumed he was past it. My mum's worried about him because he isn't sleeping well now. If it's because he brought someone into their bed I truly hope he stews in his guilt. I'm only worried about my mum. I just hope they are in no way intimate because if he likes risk he's probably picked up an STD. Imagine the humiliation of my mum at 64 contracting an STD from her husband.

 

I'm sure something has happened, but not what, for how long and with whom. I don't know how low he can go, and can't help but think the worst of him but I sometimes worry about being wrong because this will be a barrier for the rest of our relationship.

Edited May 12, 2017 by DadIssues

[whichwayisup]

It could be your parents just sleep in separate rooms when you're not home and he's been sleeping in your room. Don't assume affair quite yet. I certainly hope he isn't cheating but IF he is, be careful how you approach this. He isn't liking that you're poking your nose in their marriage and your mom doesn't seem too worried that he's up to no good and seems happy in their marriage.

 

You only have ONE father...Just saying you don't have to hate him or cut him out of your life and stop speaking to him. He's still your dad...You'd feel awful if something bad happened...

 

If anything, talk to him, be honest and tell him your worries and concerns. Of course he may lie or deny but at least it's out there and he'll know your eyes will be on him.

[DadIssues]

When he starts acting like a loving and respectful dad my feelings might change. I have no concern for him until he earns it.

[DadIssues]

Apologies for being snippy. I typed the message and then changed my mind about posting it. Now I can't figure out how to delete the post. You have a point. I'm just very angry at my dads selfishness. His selfishness is the story of my life, of our lives. At the minute I'm trying to figure out how likely my suspicions are and how low he might be going because it's upsetting and tiring to always suspect the worst of him. I feel some comfort having a rational explanation for the bedsheets, albeit not necessarily altogether good news.

 

Thanks for contributing your views and apologies again.

Edited May 12, 2017 by DadIssues

[sandylee1]

It's possible he's having an affair, but you don't have concrete proof of it. I think if my daughter was accusing me of this, I'd call her in front of my wife and repeat what you'd said and make it clear those suspicions were untrue .... it doesn't sound to me your dad did much to really deny it.

 

 

Also, I imagine you know your dad well enough to know that him washing the sheets is out of character.

 

 

Him being 66 and a religious leader, is unfortunately not a deterrent, as hypocritical as it sounds. I've known other so called religious leaders to engage in affairs, even after preaching to the contrary.

 

 

It's sad that your father has lost your respect because of his behaviour and whilst it's 'their' marriage, his behaviour towards your mother is having an impact on you. It irritates me when people say things like mind your own business, or keep your nose out.

 

 

If a person you love dearly is being mistreated, then it kind of becomes your business. You wouldn't see someone being physically abused and decide, it's their business, but there is a tendency to ignore other methods of mistreatment.

 

 

People in affairs are very good at compartmentalizing and he may well have had an OW in your bedroom. He could have brought her in when it was late and no one saw her. Plus people aren't looking out of their windows all the time. You'd be surprised how brazen men and women in affairs get when it comes to having sex.

 

 

If you were to get definitive proof of an affair, what would you do? Tell your mum? Siblings?

[Noideanow]

What If your dad is not in love with your mother? You want him to stay discontent? (assuming thats the reason for the assumed affair) for Any Price your mother cant Be alone? Or live with you or with friend or Family? And your dad Can be free to love? And your mother also*

[goodyblue]

You are grown and as much as you love your parents their intimate relationship is absolutely none of your business. They have to work out who they are to one another and you have to step back and let them.

 

If you have issues with your dad separate from that, work on it, make things right, but if you don't butt out you will have real relationship problems in the future.

 

And there is no evidence of anything. You are reaching.

[somanymistakes]

What If your dad is not in love with your mother? You want him to stay discontent? (assuming thats the reason for the assumed affair) for Any Price your mother cant Be alone? Or live with you or with friend or Family? And your dad Can be free to love? And your mother also*

 

If he doesn't love her he can soldier up and say so rather than cheat.

 

Of course we don't know if anything actually is going on.

[SeenNotHeard]

OP I understand your feelings and thinking. My dad had an affair it started when I was about 14. He would suddenly work late and have all these excuses for not being around. He was a dedicated family man up to then. My mother starting piecing things together and caught him red handed. It was a deal breaker for her and the death knell on their marriage.

 

My dad married later his AP. My point is the truth was revealed and yes it took me years to forgive him and impacted how I viewed my relationships going forward into adulthood. I also saw my mother as a victim. Your suspicions are just that right now, but I soooo get it. You mentioned in an earlier post about your dad's selfishness it seems you alluded to something even more significant in your relationship with him. Would you agree this is just the icing on the cake, many more things are in play in the relationship you experience with him?

 

Would an open and frank discussion about your suspicions be possible with your dad? The wondering and not knowing is torture for you.

[goodyblue]

If he doesn't love her he can soldier up and say so rather than cheat.

 

Of course we don't know if anything actually is going on.

 

And it is still none of your business.

[georgia girl]

My dad also had an affair that nearly destroyed our family, so I know how you feel. I was in my early teens at the time, just figuring out about boys and realized my dad was doing that with another woman. I wasn't just angry at him, I was totally creeped out. For posters who say it's not your business or that he is your only dad, I can only ask that you not judge. Until you have experienced this total betrayal of your mother and your family, you really can't understand how soul-destroying it is for your parent to be having an affair, especially when they won't be honest about it.

 

OP, I can't say if he is having an affair and I can't even advise you to ask because I did that and my own father lied to my face repeatedly. What I can say is that if it is true and your family is about to go down this path of pain, be there for your mom and siblings - they will need you. And also take your time with your dad. It took me years to actually feel like I could love him again - for a long time every single memory of family and him filled me with so much pain. But my dad, in eventually making things right with my mom ended up making things right with me. We were able to heal our wounds and were very close before I lost him.

 

I learned through that process that I had to set boundaries that included "out of bounds" areas even for my parents. The biggest was no more lies. I may not like the truth, but I despise lies. I also had to set boundaries when they decided to reconcile that my siblings and I couldn't involve ourselves. That's when their relationship truly became their business - not our family's business. Before the affair, we were one type of family; after the affair, we were totally different.

 

Other boundaries were that nothing was a given. No, you were not automatically invited To my house for Thanksyiving. No, you don't get to assume we will all do a family vacation or Christmas.

 

My dad will have told you that he realized he had to reconcile with all of us and he had to earn our trust back. I will tell you that he put up with a lot from me, but he was patient and honest (once he quit false R) and he worked everyday to rebuild what he destroyed.

 

What I am saying is that whatever happens now, your relationship with your dad is altered. It doesn't have to be all bad and it will likely never be the same. But it can be an incredible relationship nonetheless. You both have to want it and you have to work at it. Eventually, the easiest thing is to let go of the old hurts - which right now probably don't feel possible at all. But at the right time, it's very natural.

 

I wish you as much peace as possible on this journey. It's a tough one. I hope at some point, you and your dad can reconcile.

 

Peace, GG

[Poppy47]

Please don't start taking sides. You parents have to deal with their own problems.

 

You have NO way of knowing what the true state to their marriage is or was.

 

Let them sort it out.

 

Poppy.

[DadIssues]

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and a lot of kindness.

 

For those in similar situations, thanks so much for your advice. The first three months after piecing it together were the worst. I felt bereaved. Inside, he really is dead to me. Yes, this is the icing on the cake. He's been a consistent disappointment. But if he brought someone into our house, snuck them in as one person suggested, he's sick. I want to probe it without going so far as to ask him if he's having an affair. Is there anything that would trip him up without being so explicit - I could ask why he washed my sheets or what he did that weekend. See how he reacts?

 

For those who think it's none of my business, I disagree. The thing is, what he's doing is aggressively disrespectful. He could have avoided my knowing by not coming home smelling of cheap perfume and acting so strangely one of three nights I stayed at my parent's. Btw - I was living in the Middle East at the time. You'd think it could wait, no? He put it in front of my nose. Once later, when I moved back to the UK and he helped me unpack my storage, he quipped about how he was good at keeping secrets from my mum. I felt sick: in what sicko planet does he think I want to hear that. When I implicitly called him out he had an opportunity to restore my faith in him. He seems to have chosen not to take that, which means he is now being careless about me too. It is every single person in my families business, although I want hurt them with it, because my dad is a selfish fake. Why shouldn't we be allowed to judge him for who he really is, who he actively chooses to be?

 

For those who think my mum's lucky he's sticking around, again, I disagree. I would in a second cut ties if mum left him. She never will. But if this comes out and she asks me for advice (I won't offer it) my honest advice will be to leave him. He's nothing but trouble and has no idea that while he swanning around abusing our trust through entitlement, he's just a dead weight.

 

Someone mentioned that he didn't really deny anything. Your message was really helpful btw. No, that's what I feel too. Below is an excerpt from the reply he sent me when I implicitly called him out. I'd be interested in your views.

 

I haven't showed your message to Mum as I don't want her to be worried and upset and I hope that she will never get the idea that I have been keeping things from her, nor do I want to sit down and discuss this, the relationship between two married people is a private affair even from their children. Please just accept that I have not written a single word that I do not believe with all my heart to be true, and that you can always depend on the love of both of us.

 

Thanks again all

[beatcuff]

OP, what ACTUAL proof do you have. You did not see him in the arms of another woman, or find explicit emails/text/overhear a call? NO.

 

You have stated more than once: "I implicitly called him out". So you did not ACTUALLY say "dad you are cheating"? NO.

 

Further you have said "he is dead to me" several times and recently added "He's been a consistent disappointment" along with "this is the icing on the cake". It appears you were angry with your dad BEFORE THIS and are projecting to justify your conclusion.

[whichwayisup]

So you're going to hate him and be bitter towards him forever when you don't actually know if he is cheating or not? You want honesty, then come out and tell him what you think, even more so since he said he is good at hiding stuff from your mom. Being passive and avoiding a confrontation isn't going to help you.

 

Maybe he has a gambling problem. Or something else is going on. Until you ask him directly you're just guessing.

[Ruffian1]

Maybe he has a gambling problem. Or something else is going on. Until you ask him directly you're just guessing.

 

He will never admit it if he is.

 

Never

They lie

They deny . . . .always.

Even when kicked out and living with OW.

 

They lie and deny and make up another lie.

 

Very common.

 

Never, ever admit is their way.

 

It's also to protect OW reputation.

[anika99]

OP, what ACTUAL proof do you have. You did not see him in the arms of another woman, or find explicit emails/text/overhear a call? NO.

 

You have stated more than once: "I implicitly called him out". So you did not ACTUALLY say "dad you are cheating"? NO.

 

Further you have said "he is dead to me" several times and recently added "He's been a consistent disappointment" along with "this is the icing on the cake". It appears you were angry with your dad BEFORE THIS and are projecting to justify your conclusion.

 

I've been confused about this too. OP you have said numerous times that you called him out but then said you haven't outright asked him if he's having an affair so you haven't called him out at all. Why can't you just tell him you think he's cheating? You obviously don't care for him and you consider him dead to you so why be afraid of having an honest discussion with him?

[jenkins95]

For posters who say it's not your business or that he is your only dad, I can only ask that you not judge. Until you have experienced this total betrayal of your mother and your family, you really can't understand how soul-destroying it is for your parent to be having an affair, especially when they won't be honest about it.

 

Yes. My grandfather (who I only met about 5 times because of this) walked out on my grandmother for the OW when my mother was about 10. It changed them both forever. My mother (although a wonderful person and mother) is very emotionally "retarded" (not sure if that's a good choice of words). She does not show her feelings or affection very well and always keeps part of herself hidden away. I'm quite sure this is a defense mechanism to protect herself from the awful hurt she went though as a child...and what she witnessed of her mother (3 suicide attempts - thankfully unsuccesful).

 

I find it therefore very harsh to say that it is not at all the child's business.

[goodyblue]

I do not allow my children to get in the middle of my marriage. If they tried they would have a real issue in dealing with me. They don't know the ins and outs of my relationship and it is MY relationship.

 

I don't know why OP thinks she knows so much or why she feels it is her job to referee the relationship. Maybe her mom knows. Fact is, SHE has no idea.

 

He is dead to you? I hope so because after your actions he may never r speak to you again.

[Noideanow]

Probably she Can sence her mother is "weak" turning the blind eye to which Make her take a responsibility and Try to protect her mother eventhough she shouldnt:o tough situation still but those two grownups should talk together:o maybe the mother even is ok with your father having aff as long as she doesnt "know" and is not risking to have to find new home and company:o