My fiancé broke up with me 3 months before our wedding. [UPDATED]

[toomanyquestions123]

I think you are right, maybe it is the loss of control that is still overwhelming as I felt like I had control of my relationship and we were in a good place.

 

I might look into therapy, but I have done a lot of therapy by watching videos, talking it out with family and friends and gym/meditation.

 

It was just a very hurtful event for me and when you don’t have a good explanation or understanding of what happened it leaves a person confused.

 

Seek a good therapist regularly to help you give answers & to reduce the anxiety levels that you are having. I started going to one. I told him i want answers to know what went wrong !! i will do my closing therapy next session called EDMR breakthrough therapy, google it to know more about it.

[DKT3]

I think you are right, maybe it is the loss of control that is still overwhelming as I felt like I had control of my relationship and we were in a good place.

 

I might look into therapy, but I have done a lot of therapy by watching videos, talking it out with family and friends and gym/meditation.

 

It was just a very hurtful event for me and when you don’t have a good explanation or understanding of what happened it leaves a person confused.

 

I think seeing someone you can talk too would be very helpful. I say this because you don't seem to be the ideal partner, you seem flaky and immature. I don't say this to be mean but to underline that you're ex is not without reason to want to end the relationship

[toomanyquestions123]

I think seeing someone you can talk too would be very helpful. I say this because you don't seem to be the ideal partner, you seem flaky and immature. I don't say this to be mean but to underline that you're ex is not without reason to want to end the relationship

 

Where did she sound immature ?

[DKT3]

Where did she sound immature ?

 

Well, she doesn't seem to take responsibility for the things she's done and the whole break up ex boyfriend thing doesn't make sense. Example, she kinda blames him for decisions she made, running up credit card debt without a job . These things can make her come across as a undesirable option.

 

I'm just saying, just going purely from what she wrote here....less then ideal, impulsive and immature.

[trustyourself]

I had a similar experience in it ending because her parents did not approve. Though mine was more to do with our previous breakup and her arguing on the phone with me in front of them (she was the dumper, even though she was the problem ). When we tried to reconcile they gave her an ultimatum, and she chose to walk away again. It is hard to process that someone you wanted a future with could walk away for external reasons.

 

But in hindsight, were they really external reasons, or just an excuse? If she really had wanted to be with me, she would have told them that, and they would eventually come around once they saw how happy she was. It's all just excuses. I dodged a bullet, you dodged a bullet.

 

We deserve better than that.

[Tiga]

I think seeing someone you can talk too would be very helpful. I say this because you don't seem to be the ideal partner, you seem flaky and immature. I don't say this to be mean but to underline that you're ex is not without reason to want to end the relationship

 

I also don’t mean to be rude but to clarify any misunderstanding you might have interpreted from the credit card debt here are the details. As any person in life I was without a job for a few months until I found one. During this time My crecit card debt debt rose, nothing I couldn’t take care of. This was 3 years ago when I first moved in with him. I paid it all off as soon as I got a job. If this was a the reason for his actions he would’ve ended it 3 years ago and wouldn’t have bought a home with me. My confusion is that he asked me the same night before we broke up to go to the hall and get married and I refused because That is not what we had planned and there was no reason to change our wedding plans because his prents got “mad”. I know the reason was because of his mother, more likely then his father.

 

So yes you are right I should sit down with a therapist to try and understand how a man can go from lets just go to the hall and get married to “were not meant to be” the next. And this was literally one day apart.

[elaine567]

Do you think the parents perhaps eventually upped the ante?

In that they threatened to disown, disinherit, ostracise, or in some other way remove their support completely from him and he had to thus comply with their wishes?

[Tiga]

Do you think the parents perhaps eventually upped the ante?

In that they threatened to disown, disinherit, ostracise, or in some other way remove their support completely from him and he had to thus comply with their wishes?

 

Absolutely, I confronted him with that statement and he looked away dis not answer. What kind of parents are these people?

[DKT3]

I also don’t mean to be rude but to clarify any misunderstanding you might have interpreted from the credit card debt here are the details. As any person in life I was without a job for a few months until I found one. During this time My crecit card debt debt rose, nothing I couldn’t take care of. This was 3 years ago when I first moved in with him. I paid it all off as soon as I got a job. If this was a the reason for his actions he would’ve ended it 3 years ago and wouldn’t have bought a home with me. My confusion is that he asked me the same night before we broke up to go to the hall and get married and I refused because That is not what we had planned and there was no reason to change our wedding plans because his prents got “mad”. I know the reason was because of his mother, more likely then his father.

 

So yes you are right I should sit down with a therapist to try and understand how a man can go from lets just go to the hall and get married to “were not meant to be” the next. And this was literally one day apart.

 

I also commented about how odd the situation with the ex boyfriend was but you didn't attempt to clear that up.

 

Listen, you say you that he felt you was after money, so you don't think that you turning down a less expensive option to Marriage a tipping point? You refusing the courthouse Marriage only confirmed or gave validity to his feelings on that.

 

All I'm saying is it doesn't shock me he called it off based solely on what you've wrote here and how my male mind interpreted it.

[DKT3]

Do you think the parents perhaps eventually upped the ante?

In that they threatened to disown, disinherit, ostracise, or in some other way remove their support completely from him and he had to thus comply with their wishes?

 

Maybe his parents know more about her then you do. Maybe his parents main objective was protecting thier son with absolutely no regards to her. Isn't that what parents do? Protect Thier kids?

[Tiga]

I also commented about how odd the situation with the ex boyfriend was but you didn't attempt to clear that up.

 

Listen, you say you that he felt you was after money, so you don't think that you turning down a less expensive option to Marriage a tipping point? You refusing the courthouse Marriage only confirmed or gave validity to his feelings on that.

 

All I'm saying is it doesn't shock me he called it off based solely on what you've wrote here and how my male mind interpreted it.

 

The ex situation? That was 7 or more years ago and when me and my ex fiance got back together we never even talked about any of our exes and had no issues in regards to that topic. Me refusing a court house marriage was me standing up for muself for once! His parents wanted to control that too. Me and him agreed on the small wedding venue before we made any moves. The deposit was down and invitations were sent. I would have had no problem if something traumatic occured and we had to cancel the wedding we paid for BUT nothing traumatic occurrd other then his narcissistic parents. By the way they had no one to invite to the wedding. Wouldn’t you think that is odd? They have no family or friends they are like a cult, just the 4 of them.

 

He has no money, he makes as much as me so what money was I after? I was the always one paying for things, he saved every penny he could. I was used not him.

[Tiga]

Maybe his parents know more about her then you do. Maybe his parents main objective was protecting thier son with absolutely no regards to her. Isn't that what parents do? Protect Thier kids?

 

Protecting their son? Lol... it seems to me that maybe you were in a similar situation but was on the other side. Your reasoning is your reasoning and your perception of the situation but what him and his parents did was not morally right. Btw his dad was the one basically trying to get us to be together and when we got together he was always showing people pictures of is saying this will be my daughter in law. He remained like that up until the Christmas incident with the car. I appreciate you trying to maybe make me see another point of view but its not it.

 

It was him not beings able to put his foot down and be a man. I am far from perfect and have had my share of wrongs but I would never allow my family to had that much influence over my life. In addition, I could not do what he did to anyone.

[DKT3]

Protecting their son? Lol... it seems to me that maybe you were in a similar situation but was on the other side. Your reasoning is your reasoning and your perception of the situation but what him and his parents did was not morally right. Btw his dad was the one basically trying to get us to be together and when we got together he was always showing people pictures of is saying this will be my daughter in law. He remained like that up until the Christmas incident with the car. I appreciate you trying to maybe make me see another point of view but its not it.

 

It was him not beings able to put his foot down and be a man. I am far from perfect and have had my share of wrongs but I would never allow my family to had that much influence over my life. In addition, I could not do what he did to anyone.

 

Haha, not even close. My situation is nothing like this.

 

My point is, you are hanging on one factor. Relationships are made up from daily events, all those events and actions add up. Sometimes the negative outweighs the positive. What I'm saying is overall he clearly wasn't happy with the relationship and he ended it. You have a hard time accepting this and you're looking for external reasons that exclude your own actions, this must is clear from your posts.

 

What I'm getting at with the ex boyfriend, in reading the account, it doesn't make sense. Im guessing it was more of a "going back to the ex" then what you're saying.

[toomanyquestions123]

Haha, not even close. My situation is nothing like this.

 

My point is, you are hanging on one factor. Relationships are made up from daily events, all those events and actions add up. Sometimes the negative outweighs the positive. What I'm saying is overall he clearly wasn't happy with the relationship and he ended it. You have a hard time accepting this and you're looking for external reasons that exclude your own actions, this must is clear from your posts.

 

What I'm getting at with the ex boyfriend, in reading the account, it doesn't make sense. Im guessing it was more of a "going back to the ex" then what you're saying.

 

If he was not happy, this doesnt make her the one to blame or that she is immature. It means he was only not happy, but it is strange that someone after 7 years would discover another's flaws just before 3 months of the wedding hmmmm why didnt he end it way before? We all have our flaws & it surprises me that suddenly someone discovers them. Well my ex-fiancé discovered my "flaws" just when we started planning for the wedding. Coincidence, i dont think so !

[Tiga]

Just wanted to vent here a little since I have been feeling down. I have not been able to get over this phase of my life. It has gotten easier but there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my ex and everything that has happened to me.

I still cry from time to time, I just don’t understand. This has really changed me and my outlook on life. I have lost the desire to be in a relationship and try with people. I haven’t even went on a date yet, it’s been 1.5 years after our wedding was cancelled.

 

I am not sure if I will get over this. I don’t know why I’m still hurting, I just want to wake up one day and be happy with someone that will never let me down the way he did. But I don’t even believe that to be possible... this is the biggest despair I have felt in my life and it’s hard to move on.

 

My dreams were crushed and I was blindsided by someone I trusted so much. That tore me apart.

 

Excuse my venting but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired.

Edited August 4, 2018 by Tiga

[Whodatdog]

You really need to consider some therapy. This has been going on far too long for you.

[preraph]

Just wanted to vent here a little since I have been feeling down. I have not been able to get over this phase of my life. It has gotten easier but there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my ex and everything that has happened to me.

I still cry from time to time, I just don’t understand. This has really changed me and my outlook on life. I have lost the desire to be in a relationship and try with people. I haven’t even went on a date yet, it’s been 1.5 years after our wedding was cancelled.

 

I am not sure if I will get over this. I don’t know why I’m still hurting, I just want to wake up one day and be happy with someone that will never let me down the way he did. But I don’t even believe that to be possible... this is the biggest despair I have felt in my life and it’s hard to move on.

 

My dreams were crushed and I was blindsided by someone I trusted so much. That tore me apart.

 

Excuse my venting but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired.

 

Tiga,

 

It's a lot to get over. I'd still be stewing about it too. Don't punish yourself because you're still hurting. He wasn't man enough to stand up to his parents. It would have been constant interference from them. Sure, he was nice at the end -- because he knew what a jerk he'd been and how much he'd hurt you.

 

Did you ever get through PD Academy? Are you working in LE now? I would just urge you to get into it if you are not. There's plenty of jobs out there. Dallas is desperate for officers. Plus there's all types of related jobs like Homeland Security, Border Patrol, etc., all hiring. I think once you get into that world, it will become your world and push out some of this sadness, plus imagine all the fine men you will meet! Just sayin'!

 

I hope you can get another dog some day.

[BC1980]

Just wanted to vent here a little since I have been feeling down. I have not been able to get over this phase of my life. It has gotten easier but there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my ex and everything that has happened to me.

I still cry from time to time, I just don’t understand. This has really changed me and my outlook on life. I have lost the desire to be in a relationship and try with people. I haven’t even went on a date yet, it’s been 1.5 years after our wedding was cancelled.

 

I am not sure if I will get over this. I don’t know why I’m still hurting, I just want to wake up one day and be happy with someone that will never let me down the way he did. But I don’t even believe that to be possible... this is the biggest despair I have felt in my life and it’s hard to move on.

 

My dreams were crushed and I was blindsided by someone I trusted so much. That tore me apart.

 

Excuse my venting but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired.

 

When was the last time you talked to him, and are you connected to him on social media?

[anduina]

Just wanted to vent here a little since I have been feeling down. I have not been able to get over this phase of my life. It has gotten easier but there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my ex and everything that has happened to me.

I still cry from time to time, I just don’t understand. This has really changed me and my outlook on life. I have lost the desire to be in a relationship and try with people. I haven’t even went on a date yet, it’s been 1.5 years after our wedding was cancelled.

 

I am not sure if I will get over this. I don’t know why I’m still hurting, I just want to wake up one day and be happy with someone that will never let me down the way he did. But I don’t even believe that to be possible... this is the biggest despair I have felt in my life and it’s hard to move on.

 

My dreams were crushed and I was blindsided by someone I trusted so much. That tore me apart.

 

Excuse my venting but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired.

I'm sorry to hear that you're still hurting.

 

The split was the best thing that could have come from your experience. Money issues are one of the top reasons that marriages end in divorce. Your ex was extremely tight with it and you're more of a spender personality. Imagine a marriage full of fighting over money and ten years down the line, divorce.

[Tiga]

When was the last time you talked to him, and are you connected to him on social media?

 

I haven’t talked to him since we ended and he has no social media so no contact what so ever.

 

I heard that his mom who is in her 60’s got a face list and a boob job, not saying that people shouldn’t take care of themselves but at the age of 60 a boob job? Like she clearly had Lost her mind.

 

I think it’s just the disappointment and how it all happeneded. 2 weeks before we broke up and every day before that for the past 6 years he always showed me support and never let me down, always fought for me and wanted to work out every little fight. Always told me he would never let me go no matter what happens....

 

& then his parents said they weren’t going to our wedding and gave him an ultimatum. Maybe I wasn’t being my best self those last two weeks either but I was hurt that he did not stand up to his parents.

 

I think I believed that he would never give up on me and that he would never leave me because he loved me but obviously he didin’t love me as much as I thought he did.

[Tiga]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still hurting.

 

The split was the best thing that could have come from your experience. Money issues are one of the top reasons that marriages end in divorce. Your ex was extremely tight with it and you're more of a spender personality. Imagine a marriage full of fighting over money and ten years down the line, divorce.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

Everyone is telling me to stop thinking about it and I know I should but at times it’s hard to not think about it and be sad. My life changed in a split second and I feel like I lost the person I loved and my best friend. He was my best friend. & I lost my dog and the place I called Home.

[Tiga]

Tiga,

 

It's a lot to get over. I'd still be stewing about it too. Don't punish yourself because you're still hurting. He wasn't man enough to stand up to his parents. It would have been constant interference from them. Sure, he was nice at the end -- because he knew what a jerk he'd been and how much he'd hurt you.

 

Did you ever get through PD Academy? Are you working in LE now? I would just urge you to get into it if you are not. There's plenty of jobs out there. Dallas is desperate for officers. Plus there's all types of related jobs like Homeland Security, Border Patrol, etc., all hiring. I think once you get into that world, it will become your world and push out some of this sadness, plus imagine all the fine men you will meet! Just sayin'!

 

I hope you can get another dog some day.

 

Thanks for understanding, I feel like something is wrong with me for being so emotionally stressed over this. I feel like I love to hard and too much. I am just disappointed in everything because I believed in him so much and I never imagined he would do what he did. I saw the best in him and saw him as a good person. Am I crazy? I don’t understand why I still can’t move on.

 

Yes I’ve been employed with them for a while even when I was still with my ex. There are plenty of men but I just can’t find myself to be attracted to anyone and can’t open up. I want to, I want to believe again and fall in love and believe that I will get married and have kids. But I just feel like I’m so far from feeling that again because it’s hard to trust people and I feel like everytime I invest myself in someone something goes wrong.

 

Thank you for trying to help me see the light.

[preraph]

I'm glad you are working. The stage is set for when you are finished grieving.

 

Listen, once you believe someone loves you and then they betray you, throw you away, that's a legit reason to lose all trust. It's like, if I couldn't trust that, who can I trust? And the very worst part is you lose trust in yourself, in your own ability to see when someone is genuine or not. I have been there, not in the same way you have, but I'd been there, and my eyes are still wide open in the trust department. People are flawed. Some people love more deeply than others. For others, it's about getting what they want, whether that's sex, someone to have kids with, whatever, but they aren't all that connected emotionally. There's all kinds.

 

But always remember this: That deep love you felt came from inside you, not from him. You gave it to him because he seemed like he might deserve it, but then it turns out he did not. But that love didn't leave with him. You still have it inside you and you own it and can give it to whoever you want in the future. It's still there, even if the trust is eroded.

 

A friend of mine, after hearing my story that led to me not trusting anyone told me, Look, there's people who can be trusted out there, I'm one, I'd never do anything to betray or hurt someone. The problem is, how long does it take to know someone that well? It comes down to what their ethics are. Like, if they betray someone, can they live with themselves? A good ethical person won't want to live with themselves if they hurt someone who didn't deserve it. They're too ethical. It's a spiritual/religious thing. Ethics is something you either have or you don't. So when you get around to feeling like dating again, look at their overall ethics, whether it be work ethics (do they find ways to slack on the job or are they always doing their best) to how reliable they are with friends (can friends depend on them? Do they do what they say they will? Do they help friends or only take from them?) to past relationships (did they cheat? Do they trash their kids' mother?).

 

In your line of work, you can find a good ethical reliable person when the time comes that you're open to it. A year and a half isn't that long considering how big of a deal it was. My sister used to tell me, "When you get tired of being miserable, you will." You said you're tired, so I think you're close and maybe tired of processing it, but if you feel like you've hit the wall processing it and are getting stuck in a PTSD loop where everything just goes in a circle and makes no sense and can't stop thinking about it when you're busy with something else, you might see a psychologist and work through the rest of it. But I'll tell you right now, what he did was wrong on every level and it ain't ever going to make sense to someone who is better than that! There's no excuse or rationalization for it that isn't evil.

 

Stay busy doing things so your mind does not get in a rut and you end up with emotional PTSD like I did. Make yourself create new joy in your life to crowd out those bad things. I know you probably work a lot of hours, but maybe if you got a house with a backyard and a dog door and two dogs to give each other security and attention, you could have dogs, and that would help. Or if you get one dog and only have an apartment, then doggie daycare when you're at work.

 

You're normal. What you went through is not normal and is unusually hurtful. You're going to be okay. The sun will shine again.

[Els]

So sorry to hear you're still hurting, OP.

 

 

I can't say I read every page in this thread, but from what I did read, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Imagine being married to a man who lets his parents control everything like that? It would've been a nightmare. Far better that this happened when it did.

 

Hoping for the best for you.

[Tiga]

So I received a text from my ex fiancé yesterday. He reached out via text several times after we ended it but I never responded. If anyone has read this thread you all know the difficulties that I faced after I was blindsided after he chose his parents over me.

 

Anyway his text said this,

 

Hi ... how are you? I received a statement of yours from .... I guess it’s for your retirement benefits. Let me know if you want me to send it to you. Hope your well !!! his name

 

 

 

Like seriously who would send something like this after so long and after what he did to me? My assumption is he either needs something or is trying to see if I will respond. Because I can get my retirement benefits by calling the company and I don’t need him to mail it to me.

 

But No I did no respond.

 

I was initially angry when I received the text because I felt like how did he get the nerve to text me after what he did to me and how he treated me. In the message he makes it sound like we are on good terms like he didn’t do anything wrong.

 

 

Later I had a mixture of emotions, I cried. I cried because I remembered the way he acted and treated me after the breakup and how disappointed I am in him. So right now I have a mix of emotions.

 

Please post your opinion on what you guys think he wants and why was I angry and then sad/ crying. I am trying to understand my emotions and reactions to this.

 

Maybe because I know that all bridges are burned and that I can’t even respond even if I wanted to because I have to much respect for myself. I honestly feel like I am a much better person then him and that I deserve better than him.

 

Thank you guys, hope you all are having a good day! Keep your head up!

Edited August 21, 2018 by Tiga