CoolJoe Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 A friend has told me I'm picky but I really don't think I am. I want a GF however unless she fits my criteria or just gives me that "ah, I could see myself settling down with her one day" feeling that I tend to always veer the other way. I just don't see the purpose in continuing to see someone romantically when you're lukewarm at best on them. Wastes everyone's time I feel. Anyway, when does one tell when one is being too picky or not? I'm just looking for someone who meets some of these basic characteristics: -Simple -Content with what she has -Cute -Sense of humor -Decent looking (in my eyes) -Kid at heart -Patient -Laughs at my stupid puns -Honest and good heart Don't think that's asking all that much. Seem to have some bad luck (or no luck) in recent years. Been on a ton of first dates. Could I have advance it to a BF GF relationship with some of those girls? Yeah, probably, but something always turned me off. Maybe I'm waiting too hard for the "just right" girl, but I feel that's the right call as opposed to trying with someone I'm "eh" on. Then again, maybe that's why I'm single. I'm in my early 30s BTW. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 Don't think that's asking all that much. Actually, I think you are. The list might fit your first teenage girlfriend, and even then it be somewhat idealized. Very few people are simple, especially not in their thirties. The same applies to being content with what they have. Again, I know some for which that would apply, but relatively few. It's also what is missing from the list (smart, horny, wants kids) that may be an issue. Your list could be a proxy for wanting a woman with a rather conservative worldview. I don't know if that is true, but the list could be interpreted as such. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Inya Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 I'ts good to be picky and you are definitely NOT too picky. Who wouldn't want a partner with those characteristics, but when you meet the "just right" girl your heart will decide not your mind. Anyway, I think it is better to be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship. Good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 It doesn't sound like you are too picky. Your criteria are pretty general: you want a good person who you are attracted to. But you say you have had "no luck" and "something always turns you off." Can you give some examples of things that have turned you off? If you say you want a girl who is content with what she has, does that mean you don't like women who, say, apply for a promotion at work or who are continuing their education? That could be a problem. If she's walking with you & passes a store window to comment on a display that she could never afford, are you dumping her? If that is so I would suggest you take another look because commenting & lusting after something that will never be are two different things. For example, DH & I were recently on vacation, In a jewelry store window I saw an emerald & diamond necklace that was probably over $500k. I swooned. We're ordinary people; that piece cost more than our house. It's totally impractical & kind of gaudy but it was eye catching. I have no expectations that I'd ever have a life that includes something like that nor do I really want it but in that moment I was like "oooh, aahh, pretty. . . " If something as silly as that might make you throw away a potential GF, then perhaps you are too picky. That is vastly different from a woman who is bugging you to buy her stuff, especially stuff she can't afford on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 -Simple -Content with what she has -Cute -Sense of humor -Decent looking (in my eyes) -Kid at heart -Patient -Laughs at my stupid puns -Honest and good heart Cool list bro. Hey, whats simple and plain looking? No make up? Makes her own dresses? Mormon or appalachian style simple? :-) Can I share with you a couple of pieces of advice. Your list is a bit like a manic pixie dream girl syndrome. i.e. Too much Zach Braff films have colored your concept of reality. What your list is missing is the personality, quirks, needs and requirements of the other person you are seeking in your relationship. You are going to be entering into a relationship with a fully formed and developed complex human being just like you are. (Some claim that females are even more complex psychologically than men are and I tend to agree with that). She will have her own set of goals, desires, and needs that may in some cases be in complete contrast to yours and that will change and adjust over time. This might include everything from opinions on where to live, decisions on how much money to spend on hair, clothes and spas, career plans, plans to have or not have children. All the fun stuff that makes up personalities and dynamics of human relationships. Also, you never ever tall a woman she is simple and plain. She will not take it well. I will guarantee you on that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 To echo what others have said, it's hard to comment on your list without context. Does "content with what she has" mean - able to enjoy the present time/place/event without complaining about what's missing? (a positive trait, imo) - lacking any ambition, willing to accept a poor or mediocre situation without trying to change it (a negative trait) Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted May 13, 2017 Share Posted May 13, 2017 Start looking at personality and then looks. Forget about the bar. Join recreational activities. Be respectful and playful and let the women come to you more. Also do other things that don't have to do with generating dating situations. Just hobbies for you. Like play pool/bowl/learn guitar. Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 No one is going to fit every checkbox you have on your list. People are complex, and despite how great someone is and how well you do together, there will be differing opinions and there will be conflict. I don't know what you mean by "simple." I don't know what you mean by "happy with what she has." Everyone has dreams, aspirations, and goals and it's a good quality to pursue and make positive changes. Hopefully as a couple, you will grow together and support each other, but you won't always be 100% in agreement. If you're over the top on your jokes and puns, that gets old, fast. Hopefully you'll meet someone who thinks you're as hilarious as you do. You may need to tone it down, I don't know. I dated a guy who thought he was the funniest guy around and laughed hysterically at his own jokes that really weren't that funny. Personality clash, I suppose. I couldn't tolerate it after three dates. I really expected him to calm down, maybe it was nerves, but damn if he didn't just crack himself up all the time. In any case, I do agree that you shouldn't pursue someone who really doesn't mesh with you, but you're never going to find someone who fits every single little thing you have on your list of positive character traits. You have to accept flaws. Everyone has them. What is your hill to die on and what can be tolerated? If the relationship is overall great, but she falls short in your eyes on a couple minor things, it's probably worth it to explore a few more dates and see if this relationship can grow. Maybe it can't or won't, but if you're that picky, you really are setting yourself up for failure. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 You certainly can't be in a committed relationship with the 3 women you described in your other thread. So if that is who you are dating, you are certainly not being too picky. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 The only thing I think that we really can't control is looks for the most part. The Personality may be to a certain extent people can lean towards certain traits. How I am vs how people perceive me is a different thing. I am like this in my mind. Boy Next Door Type. Good Guy. Lots of friends/aquaintences. I can have long introspective conversations with people. Deep conversations most of the time. I am not a joker, but I am not Mr. Serious. If I was a character on a cartoon I would be Fred from Scooby Doo. I have to solve this Mystery. I think my friend JC is a great looking woman physically. We get along and are both single. I am 46 she is turning 36 at the end of May. Why are we not dating. for me. I don't see JC as the doting Girl Next Door type. JC is more like Rizzo from Grease. Wise cracking with a heart of gold underneath. I don't feel like she has the softness that I am looking for in a LTR. So at the end of the day. Its personality thats going to win out. I am not going to date or have a LTR with someone I just think is hot, but lacking in other areas. I will wait it out to be with a woman that I think is great overall. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 By the way. Whats overboard on a check list. Does every friend have everything your looking for. Job/recreation as well. I think that I am easy to be with. All the woman has to do for me. If we are just looking at me. Just be Single. Chill, relaxed. Come with Interesting conversations and laughs mixed with physical affection and desires for me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Tthe "kid at heart" part strikes me as odd. I would interpret that to mean you are a boy at heart -- and probably at other inconvenient times too, like playing video games too much or not being willing to parent children but rather just play with them like one of them. Not saying everyone would think of it that way, but that's what I see. Because you want someone who would enable you to be all these things, simple, content with what they have maybe so they don't expect more of you as a provider? This list is okay for inside your head, but don't think about putting it on a online profile or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Titanll Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 As a founding member of the "picky" club, why in all that is holy would you not be? All of this settling BS is BS. I really don't consider myself picky. I am acutely aware of what I want/need and simply will not settle for less. For the record, I am older than you and I am a few months into a perfect relationship. Second time in my life that I have had that. Yes, I have had several dates and a relationship or two that went nowhere but never once have I settled. Don't settle and don't apologize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoolJoe Posted May 14, 2017 Author Share Posted May 14, 2017 (edited) This list is okay for inside your head, but don't think about putting it on a online profile or anything. Of course I don't/won't. That would be stupid. It's a mental check list. To answer people's question, by simple and content I don't mean a housewife cooking meals and cleaning the house. I would want her to advance in her career. I would want her to be a hard working goal oriented woman. However, I also want someone who is always "content" in whatever phase of their life they are currently in. It's fine to want something or to achieve something, but if it doesn't happen or if it's slow to happen then don't let that unravel you. I know friends like that. They define who they are by what they do and they love to compare themselves to others. I *can't stand* that sort of thinking. It may be corny but I believe in being the best me, not the best out of everyone. I hope that helps to clarify. As far as making "ooh I want that" comments passing by fancy stuff in a store window, of course I would be fine with that. What I'm not fine with is if she's constantly buying things to fill a void in her life. Or to buy just to buy and have junk build throughout the house. That to me makes zero sense so I wouldn't be able to deal with that trait in a partner. I once had a GF who sent me like 20 links of different trinkets she wanted to buy online. It made my head explode. 2 or 3 links? Fine. Even 5? Sure. But 20? And when I asked her why she wanted all these items, she just said "I dunno, just cause." Needless to say, that relationship didn't last very long. I'm looking for a woman who wants to improve always, but at the same time is content in each phase of life as it comes. Someone who will work hard to see her dreams through, but also knows how to relax and doesn't have to be at a fancy dinner restaurant to feel like her life has meaning, or out at the latest resort beach or cruise. I enjoy those things, but in moderation. I would prefer a low-key quiet quality family life with good close family and friends surrounding us. I don't mesh well with women who are always thinking about what others are doing and how others are superior. I know it may be hard to find that in a single woman these days, but I'm willing to wait it out. Someone who goes "Oh look honey, she's doing well! Just got a promotion. Good for her" as opposed to thinking jealous thoughts and feeling worse about herself that she is here and someone just moved up. Maybe what I'm looking for is a unicorn but I choose to believe she's out there. I'm willing to be flexible too. I'm not saying she can't EVER have those moments of doubt and jealousy. It's bound to happen. Just saying on the whole. Rather have someone who is more positive than negative. Until I find that woman or something close to it, I'm fine being single and content. Edited May 14, 2017 by CoolJoe 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 I think what you want is a woman who is naturally happy and doesn't stress all the time to get happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Why is your friend picking on you? Is your friend male or female? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoolJoe Posted May 15, 2017 Author Share Posted May 15, 2017 Why is your friend picking on you? Is your friend male or female? Both of them are females. They pick on me because they like to give me a hard time. I'm like their little bro. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 l don't think it's anything to do with picky it's like inya said ,your heart will decide for ya. So to turn around and say , oh , maybe l could have had a relationship with some of those girls, is just your brain talking sh@t to you. Because believe me if she's right for you you will have a relationship with her , not maybe l could have. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 I don't think you are being overly picky, no, but you are not giving yourself chance to get beyond the superficial with women and therefore form any attachment. When people first meet, they put on their best faces and maintain a certain social facade. It is only when you both get a bit beyond that and start talking about deeper matters and feelings in different situations that you can start to feel any real attachment. That girl who does not have the right kind of job might be desperately unhappy and doing her best to get into the kind of work you would admire, but you won't know that until you get to know her better. The one who only seems interested in fashion might have a real artistic streak and adore her grandmother who she visits every week. You won't know that she has these talents and such capacity for love until you give it a bit of time. You just need to take care not to jump at the slightest difference from your list and give yourself chance to get to know the person better. Obviously huge deal-breaker things mean a relationship will not work but check whether something really matters to you or not. For example, if your sister did whatever the girl was doing, would you love her any less? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) there are no simple people trust me.....there are complex people who choose to live complex lives (all people are complex and unique)....but there are complex people who choose to live simply.....thats the only problem i see and i think you have with your list...its a good list in my opinion... you havign problems with finding love can often be universal and common to many people....it can a ttimes be an elusive journey finding true reciprocal love with soemoen we truly see ourselves with for a long time........ but that doesnt make the journey any less worthwhile...keep the faith......deb Edited May 21, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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