My wife's affair/end of marriage

[Hopeishope]

Hello,

I'd like to say my story is unique, but in reality, it smacks of many others in this site. I'm willing to hear any thoughts you care to share.

 

My wife and I have been married 19 years. 2 kids 20/15, my wife is 44 and I am 45. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we had ups and downs and the last 4 years were rough, with us sleeping separately and no sex and very little intimacy. No one reason, just life and work and kids. We were still best friends and rarely fought at all.

 

Last year she reconnected with her old fiancé from 23 years ago on social media. Within a month they were sleeping together. She was honest from the start and I knew it was happening from day one. I begged her to not do it, I loved her and wanted to save our marriage. She kept the affair going but we continued to live a "normal" life. Eventually I grew resentful and she lived out to live with her mother three months ago. She continues to see this man and tells me he is her soulmate and the love of her life. She claims she thinks she was never in love with me to begin with. She does hinge with him sexually she never did in our marriage and spends money on him like crazy. I do my best to not have any contact with her other than to talk about our youngest daughter. My daughter chose to stay with me and does not care for the boyfriend. Neither does our eldest child. My wife has become someone no one recognizes. Her family and my family do not know who she is anymore. She lost a lot of weight that she didn't need to lose and now looks sickly. She changed her hair and her job just to please this man. It's obvious he us s her for money and sex only. She is his maid, his secretary, his errand runner, and his whore. We haven't filed for divorce as if yet, but we spoke about it and have agreed to do it. I have spoken with an attorney have done my best to protect myself, my assets and my children.

 

Here is my problem. I still love her. Beyond it all, she is the love of my life and I want her back.

 

I feel like a fool and I look at me from the outside and think I'm crazy. But that's how I feel.

 

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[understand50]

Hopeishope,

 

There is nothing here to save. Divorce. What more do you need to know? She has divorced you in all but the paperwork. Let her have the life she has chosen, move on and find a better woman to love and be love by.

 

Take action, divorce her.

 

I wish you luck....

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hope, your story resonates with me and breaks my heart to read because I know what you're going through having been through similar and also because someone I love very much (a relative) is at the present going through very similar to what you describe in your post. It's very painful for me to watch my relative suffer, especially since I know exactly how it feels.

 

You probably realize there is nothing you can do to change your wife's thought processes or behavior right now.

 

I don't know of your beliefs and I almost hesitate to write this because often it falls on deaf ears, but I'm going to post in the chance it will help you.

 

What I did in your situation, about the same length of marriage that crumbled, was to turn to God through prayer and reading the Bible. Specifically I read the Psalms, Isaiah (chapters 40-50) and the book of John in order to find a close relationship with God to support me and help me deal with my heartbreak. I don't know how I would have gotten through it otherwise. As I read the Bible and prayed, in order to know God, I was filled with strength and courage to go on. And I began to have better days as time went on, days filled with joy and productivity.

 

I am watching my relative take the same approach.

 

You are in a tragic situation, no two ways about it. But, God is there for us in tragedy as many have discovered. And He can and will turn your grief into joy as you give your trial to Him to deal with.

 

You are very wise to keep your contact with your exW as minimal as possible. I encourage you to proceed with the divorce. Chances are that your W will one day come to her senses. However, if she doesn't I guarantee you that God will heal you, comfort you and give you a new and happy life as He has done for me. I can assure you that as you get to know God and depend on Him your best days are ahead of you. You have every reason to be hopeful for a full and happy life.

 

God has the keys to happiness, don't put the keys in someone else's pocket!

Edited May 13, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[GoldenR]

I want to warn you, if she does eventually come back, the chances are that you'll resent her bc of what she's done, and D will still be likely.

[harrybrown]

There is no hope with her.

 

She is not the person you think she was when you married her.

 

She is addicted to the OM.

 

Stop all contact with her and have someone else handle the communication.

 

Get your D expedited.

 

She may have stds, and she did not have sex with you for years before showing you her true self.

 

I am sorry that you are in pain, but the best way is to get her out of your life completely and move on.

 

Can your attorney get your money separated so that she is spending her part of your property and not yours?

 

Run out of this marriage. It is a sham. She has shown you her true self.

 

Read up on the 180.

[Bufo]

I agree with the posters above who advise there is no marriage to save.

She decided to live in the past by hooking up with ex fiancé. Nothing you can do about that except NC or D.

 

But to abandon children shows conclusively that she has abandoned her entire married life.

 

Time to file for divorce as you must get yourself out of infidelity. Banish reconciliation thoughts as they are simply unproductive. You cannot R with an unrepenant spouse. Sure, it hurts. But once divorced, you'll find you can move on.

[Marc878]

Only you can get yourself out of where you are. Being frozen in limbo won't help you much.

 

You're in love with your hears idea of who she is but that's not her.

 

She's put you in a shameful position in front of your kids, family and you are doing what about it?

 

It's best to file and let her go. Your kids need to see their father stand up for himself not roll over and take this.

[Marc878]

At this time you are being played for a fool. File and let her figure it out.

 

You can't fix her but you need to get out of this.

[dichotomy]

During my first marriage and WW affair, there was a time (months) while we separated. I felt "love" for her and devastated and lost. She also kept seeing the other man. I also spent much time with her family who seemed to agree she messed up and felt bad for me because i was a nice guy.

 

So your "feelings" are not unsual. So forgive yourself this.

 

However what I came to understand than much of what I was feeling was - insecurity, poor self image, loss, fear, and dependency. I did not think anyone would love me. Frankly- I had let my self go - not only just fitness/weight - but I had let my self wither in many other ways - as man, person, spirit, etc.

 

I realized that its impossible to love someone (other than a child) who does not love you back. Perhaps YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF ? Admire you? See yourself in a positive way ?

 

It will take you time. I hope you have begun official divorce proceedings. Its the first step to being a strong man.

 

Begin to love yourself, forgive yourself for being weak, and then begin to work on you - your kids are almost all grown. You have a new life, try new activities, work out, join a fintness/yoga/MMA school, try things you never would, get some new clothes, change your hair or reduce the greys - be a new man. Also dont wait forever to get in to the dating game - I waited over a year (nearly 1.5 years) before I started getting out there - BIG mistake. Play the field at little (honestly not mean or games) have some fun (sex) - get some experiences with different women before you look for Mrs. Right.

 

This is my advice from experience, I would have been better off right now if I had followed this myself.

Edited May 13, 2017 by dichotomy

[WilyWill]

Divorce just to shock her into seeing consequences she might not have seen yet. If she becomes sane a few years down the line, you can accept her back in your life, but never again as your wife.

[QuietDan]

In this case, Love her enough to set her free. Find the good memories that you have and share. Hold onto them. It is time to move on with your life in a healthy way. You had what you had with her. She has chosen to take a different path for her life now.

[viatori patuit]

I am your age.

 

Gtfo. She has zero to offer, and within a few months you will find someone better.

 

This experience talking. The world outside is awesome.

[NTV]

One of the sayings that float are here that helped me was:

 

"My love for you didn't stop you from cheating and it won't stop me from divorcing you because of it."

 

I also think you should talk to an attorney. Especially about alimony.

[ahmed8xm]

Divorce her

 

There are alot of women outside who wants a faithful husband like you

 

Dont waste your time

 

Expose her and divorce her

 

The love will go away

 

And you can fall in love with another women

[usa1ah]

Hello,

I'd like to say my story is unique, but in reality, it smacks of many others in this site. I'm willing to hear any thoughts you care to share.

 

My wife and I have been married 19 years. 2 kids 20/15, my wife is 44 and I am 45. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we had ups and downs and the last 4 years were rough, with us sleeping separately and no sex and very little intimacy. No one reason, just life and work and kids. We were still best friends and rarely fought at all.

 

Last year she reconnected with her old fiancé from 23 years ago on social media. Within a month they were sleeping together. She was honest from the start and I knew it was happening from day one. I begged her to not do it, I loved her and wanted to save our marriage. She kept the affair going but we continued to live a "normal" life. Eventually I grew resentful and she lived out to live with her mother three months ago. She continues to see this man and tells me he is her soulmate and the love of her life. She claims she thinks she was never in love with me to begin with. She does hinge with him sexually she never did in our marriage and spends money on him like crazy. I do my best to not have any contact with her other than to talk about our youngest daughter. My daughter chose to stay with me and does not care for the boyfriend. Neither does our eldest child. My wife has become someone no one recognizes. Her family and my family do not know who she is anymore. She lost a lot of weight that she didn't need to lose and now looks sickly. She changed her hair and her job just to please this man. It's obvious he us s her for money and sex only. She is his maid, his secretary, his errand runner, and his whore. We haven't filed for divorce as if yet, but we spoke about it and have agreed to do it. I have spoken with an attorney have done my best to protect myself, my assets and my children.

 

Here is my problem. I still love her. Beyond it all, she is the love of my life and I want her back.

 

I feel like a fool and I look at me from the outside and think I'm crazy. But that's how I feel.

 

Any suggestions would be helpful.

 

You need to find your anger.

 

She is destroying your kids life and future. Money she should be spending on the kids she is giving to the POSOM. Find your anger.

[jjgitties]

I am sorry to read your story. I am also sorry to say it, but it sounds like your marriage is over. (Unless you are leaving out certain details. Your post seems a little once sided. i.e. You dont mention that you did anything at all to drive the marriage towards an end. She just suddenly one day had a mid life crisis and started texting an old boyfriend and left you for him. Are you sure that's all there is to the story?)

 

Anyways, at this point, there isn't much you can do to change things. There is no amount of begging and pleading that you can do that will make your wife start having feelings for you the way she did in the past. She has to come to (or not come to!) that conclusion all on her own. Her losing weight and changing her looks and no one in your family recognizing her has nothing to do with anything. Its her life and she gets to change what she wants and do what she wants with it. She has already left you.

 

The only thing you can do is try to maintain your dignity and be straight forward with her and tell her this is the divorce and start the process rolling and move on with your own life. (I don't understand why you have been waiting? Are you hoping her relationship with end and she will come running back to you. Maybe... maybe not. But either way, you hanging on and hoping is well.. I think you know what I think. )

 

Luckily, your children are older and they should be able to get over the end of the marriage without issue. You are also in your mid 40s. Thats not too bad either. At least you are not in your mid 50s. You have lots of time left to do soul searching, (maybe even change yourself) maybe even find a new wife and start a new life if thats what you want.

 

Good luck.

[sandylee1]

The lack of intimacy for 4 years was obviously something she missed, hence she got right back into it with her Ex.

 

There really is nothing to save here. When intimacy is gone from a marriage, it very seems like a brother sister relationship.

 

Perhaps she was no longer sexually attracted to you and that's why she the intimacy disappeared.

 

It's not really something you can shelve for so long, until you're less busy with work and life, because it can cause you to become emotionally disconnected. Which happened from her side.

 

I sympathise with you, but you have to realise your marriage had problems before this affair.

[standtall]

1. If she does come back, know that you will always be her second choice. What she has said cannot be unsaid.

2. There is nothing here...this one is doa.

[Bufo]

I can't locate that famous post often repeated whose message is "if you love them let them go". I wish I were able to find it and post it here. It fits this situation so well. Maybe someone else can find it and post it.

 

You may love her. But will you ever be able to trust her again? And if you can't trust her, do you want to be married to her? If there is an apparent reconciliation will you ever be able to shake the feeling that you are Plan B?

 

If there are kids, do you think remaining in marital limbo (where you are now) is a good example for kids?

 

It is curious that she hasn't filed for divorce. All I can think of to explain this is that she remains uncertain whether her A has a future. So she remains married as a back up plan. Or is fearful of formally losing custody.

 

Spending loads of money on him. Whose money? It's either yours or marital money. In either case, it's not right and provides another reason to divorce.

 

I'm not usually am not a chearleader for counseling. But you may wish to consider,such to learn why you remain married. It could help you decide to get out of infidelity.

 

And you are clearly not doing the 180 when you allow her to discuss her feelings for OM with you. If she's so happy with him and must tell you so, so reply should follow the famous post I referenced above. Reply by telling her if she's so happy you will gladly let her go to pursue her happiness.

Edited May 14, 2017 by Bufo

[aliveagain]

You can't make her love you and you can't nice her back. Waiting around for her is the wrong thing to do, think what your complacency is teaching your children. Take back your dignity, lawyer up, protect your finances, she is building a new nest with her boyfriend using your money. Keep track of everything she spends on him, that's money she is taking from you and your children. Your lawyer can get it back for you when you divorce her cheating a$$ and split the marital assets. The sooner you act the sooner the pain will stop.

[bubbaganoosh]

As soon as you found out about her and this guy was when you should have packed her up and shipped her off.

 

Look friend, she not only left you but her kids too. If that doesn't say it all then nothing will. Seems like a lost cause to me.

 

File for divorce and make her pay support not as a punishment but because it's the right thing to do.

 

I know it hurts bad because you still love her but it has to be both ways in order for the marriage to work and it's obvious that she chose this other guy over you and the kids so ask yourself if she's worthwhile keeping.

[just got it 55]

Hello,

I'd like to say my story is unique, but in reality, it smacks of many others in this site. I'm willing to hear any thoughts you care to share.

 

My wife and I have been married 19 years. 2 kids 20/15, my wife is 44 and I am 45. Our marriage wasn't perfect, we had ups and downs and the last 4 years were rough, with us sleeping separately and no sex and very little intimacy. No one reason, just life and work and kids. We were still best friends and rarely fought at all.

 

Last year she reconnected with her old fiancé from 23 years ago on social media. Within a month they were sleeping together. She was honest from the start and I knew it was happening from day one. I begged her to not do it, I loved her and wanted to save our marriage. She kept the affair going but we continued to live a "normal" life. Eventually I grew resentful and she lived out to live with her mother three months ago. She continues to see this man and tells me he is her soulmate and the love of her life. She claims she thinks she was never in love with me to begin with. She does hinge with him sexually she never did in our marriage and spends money on him like crazy. I do my best to not have any contact with her other than to talk about our youngest daughter. My daughter chose to stay with me and does not care for the boyfriend. Neither does our eldest child. My wife has become someone no one recognizes. Her family and my family do not know who she is anymore. She lost a lot of weight that she didn't need to lose and now looks sickly. She changed her hair and her job just to please this man. It's obvious he us s her for money and sex only. She is his maid, his secretary, his errand runner, and his whore. We haven't filed for divorce as if yet, but we spoke about it and have agreed to do it. I have spoken with an attorney have done my best to protect myself, my assets and my children.

 

Here is my problem. I still love her. Beyond it all, she is the love of my life and I want her back.

 

I feel like a fool and I look at me from the outside and think I'm crazy. But that's how I feel.

 

Any suggestions would be helpful.

 

"You only have to do what your heart and self-respect lead you to do.

 

Understand something...and I want you to understand a truth that is more important than anything else: nothing, and I mean nothing, is more valuable than your self respect. Your marriage, your job, your religion, your reputation in the community, your wife's respect....none of those things are more important or as valuable as how you value yourself. If you do not value yourself your life isn't worth a penny. You could be the most handsome, richest, most charming male on this planet...but without your self respect you are nothing.

 

Most of the BSs on this forum have had to learn this the hard way. They thought they could trade their self respect for the love of their wayward spouses and for marital stability and "happiness", but almost to a man and woman, those who did sacrifice their self respect end up regretting that decision years after discovery.

 

If you can continue loving her, without giving up your self respect and without having to forfeit your personal boundaries, then I say you do what you need to do. But if by staying with her you cannot look at yourself in the mirror without seeing a man who is worth something looking back at you, then no one would blame you if you left her and filed for divorce.

 

And another thing...do not feel pressured to forgive her...right away or forever for that matter. Make her earn your forgiveness. Don't give it away cheaply."

 

Lifted from a post on another site.

 

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