Clarity is so hard to find...

[Birdies]

Block her. The sooner you end her being able to contact you (and vice versus), the sooner this horrible painful part will end and the sooner the closure and apathy towards her will come.

 

Losing her is going to suck regardless. May as well make it suck NOW so you can move on to the not-sucking sooner, rather than dragging out this part, then finally doing the blocking and sucking, and moving on much later.

 

Not to mention, blocking her might help you actually get your money's worth on the bar.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's hard being in this situation. This all was totally foreseeable (even to you, if you dug deep enough, I'm willing to bet) - it's how affairs go. Most or all of the people get horribly damaged. But that doesn't make it any less painful when it's happening to you. Big hugs to you.

[What_Did_I_Do]

She messaged me with a "Hi, studying?" Well. When you care enough to say the very least, right? I said "Doing my best." She responded with, "Okay. Just checking on you. Don't want to interrupt."

 

 

This is to give you the illusion that she actually cares. In other words; yeah BW, I strung you along, gave you false hope but I'm just not going to leave my comfortable lifestyle...so let's be friends ok?

 

Sucks when they do that. Worse than total NC.

 

Block her - temporarily even. It will at least keep your mind off your phone so you can complete your studies.

[Vivir]

She messaged me with a "Hi, studying?" Well. When you care enough to say the very least, right? I said "Doing my best." She responded with, "Okay. Just checking on you. Don't want to interrupt."

 

You know... I spent *months* working up the nerve to tell xMM not to call (and not to feel bad about "hurting his feelings"), that I needed time to get past everything ... I said six months. A part of me felt flattered when he fought against not talking at all, but my reading here helped me to see that it wasn't because he loved me or anything silly like that. For several months he would call me ever so often, despite what I had said. I would answer and ask him about the disappearing/reappearing, and he would take that opportunity to remind me that I told him I needed time apart...

 

Manipulation, right?

 

I only mention the above to express that saying the words "Do NOT contact me" can indeed be very hard to actually say to the MM/MW, especially when we're not sure we really want the person gone from our lives... when we love or even think we love and/or care about them... when we still have hope.

 

I listened to this song by a MM artist who croons that he will NEVER leave; his tearful wife has nothing AT ALL to worry about; they have so much history "being without [her] sounds absurd!" This same man has faced numerous allegations of being a sexual predator - against underage teens, no less. But I digress. My point is, I imagined xMM professing such sentiments to his wife, yet calling me to waste my time... and I am starting to feel insulted.

 

I am feeling anger for you because this woman keeps messaging you. She knows how you feel. She could be manipulating the situation; she could be thinking that you all can go right back to being "friends". In that respect, I am sure she thinks she is doing the "right" thing, apparently, by letting you know that you still matter to her - and she worries about you, wants to check on you - even though she knows how you feel about her.

 

You may have to fix your mouth to utter those words: Do. Not. Contact. Me. I. Need. Time. Practice it yourself. Try saying it aloud, because ... she will continue doing this interrupting your initial stage of healing if you don't say something definitive. or do something concrete. In essence, you will be stuck where you are now emotionally, stuck in her shadow while she continues to be blissfully happy being wined and dined and living in the lap of luxury (whether or not the happiness is an act), plastering it everywhere for YOU and the whole wide world to see.

 

Hugs and thoughts of peace to you.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, everyone. It means a lot to have some experienced, intelligent cheerleaders in my corner.

 

Today was my first day of semi-NC. I say semi because last night, I removed Facebook from my phone and haven't logged in so I am not tempted to see what she's up to. If I ever get the urge to log in I'll unfollow her but for now I'm not that interested. I also removed Snapchat, which is where 99 percent of our texts happen. She may have sent me a message today, I don't know. I'm working on the "and I don't care" part but I'd be lying if I said I was there already.

 

I haven't gone so far as blocking her number from my phone. The truth is I'm NOT at a point where I never want to hear from her again, but I am at a point where I realize it would be unhealthy to be in communication with her right now.

 

I didn't tell her I was doing this or ask her not to try to contact me. I don't want to make a big show of it. Frankly, if me not responding doesn't prompt her to try to call, that speaks for itself. If it DOES prompt her to try to call, I won't answer for now. She's certainly iced me out with no reason before, so I look at this as icing her out with plenty of reason.

 

So, I'm finally doing the right thing. I just wish I was emotionally/mentally where I need to be so that I wouldn't be preoccupied with thoughts of her and "what ifs" anymore.

 

ClassyTaste - thanks for the comment. I was a lawyer for six years back in California and am preparing for the Georgia bar now so I can practice here. I don't know that it's necessarily the ticket to beautiful and successful women, and right now I honestly can say dating someone else is the furthest thing from my mind. Maybe one day it won't be but for now, I know I have to be more okay with myself so that I never again allow someone else to have this kind of power over me. The odd thing is, prior girlfriends have complained that I was emotionally walled off and not open enough. The truth is I've never fallen head over heels for someone before, so I was never inclined to fake that I felt more than I did. I won't respond with "I love you, too" if I don't, and a few times women have gotten *angry* with me when I wasn't able to tell them I loved them after a month or two.

 

Someone posted something here on another thread about how a lot of women who get entangled in affairs with emotionally unavailable people are often somehow EU ourselves when it comes to people we could have, so we seek out impossible relationships. That's an interesting concept that I'll have to explore another time.

 

So... there's my daily update. Still struggling, but I'm at least faking that I'm moving on!

[BreakingWave]

Good God, this really IS like recovering from a drug addiction.

 

I haven't relapsed (apps are STILL off my phone and I have not looked at Facebook once today) but... ugh. The urge to check is so strong. Why? End of the day if she actually wanted to talk to me she could still call and she hasn't, so... there we go.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Maybe don't think of it as permanent, forever NC, but just put some time and space between you and her for now. That worked for me. Also trying to redirect my thinking of moving towards something vs moving away.

 

Same with me, the thought of dating someone else right now is incomprehensible. Too much of a basket case right now.

 

One hour at a time BW.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, WDID. Are you still in NC with your xAP? Does it get any easier?

 

I keep thinking... "Wow, should I have at least told her I was going to do this?" but then I realize there have been *so many* times when she's frozen me out or withdrawn emotionally with no warning and it doesn't seem my feelings crossed her mind. I owe her nothing.

[BreakingWave]

The curiosity was killing me. I told myself it would be okay if I downloaded Snapchat again just to see what xMW had sent to me. I had no intention of responding, at least not until tomorrow, when I could politely ask her for space so I could concentrate on my studies. (Stupid, I know.)

 

Turns out there was no need. She hasn't said a word to me since that super important three line "conversation" on Friday. I also logged into FB and saw today she posted tons of photos of herself and H on their boat. Lovely. I promptly unfollowed her so that if I do get the urge to check in and see what's up with friends, I won't get that treat again.

 

 

In a way I'm glad I logged in. It confirms to me how little I mean to her and it's going to be easier, I think, to hate her as much as I need to for now (I'm aiming for indifference in the end) so I can get through the next couple of weeks.

 

 

I'll never forgive her for preying on me like this. She's done so much damage to my ability to trust and love. She's ruined any hope we can be true friends again by being such a manipulative coward with me.

 

 

I should be sleeping now but I'm here on LS just hoping to run across an awake, listening ear. Trying to talk myself into not caring anymore, but that just ain't the truth.

[BreakingWave]

Sorry for bumping this - I feel like maybe I've talked in circles so many times y'all have lost interest. I'm struggling with this NC thing, but my xAP is actually making it easy for me. She hasn't tried to contact me once since last Friday, with that "Hi, studying? Don't want to interrupt you" stuff.

 

I removed Snapchat from my phone for a few days and it gave me a small sense of control. But then when I reinstalled it and saw she hasn't said anything to me since then, I realized she's ignoring me as much as I'm ignoring her, and that burned me right in the ego. I suppose now I realize that's what it is, at least. I'm thinking too much about why she's ignoring me and if I'll ever hear from her again. I want to get to a point of just not caring but I don't honestly know if that will ever happen.

 

The studies are going all right. I feel... mostly okay about things, two weeks out.

 

I would like to hear from anyone who's been patient and kind enough to follow this thread. Based on your hard-won knowledge, is it likely that she's just breathing a sigh of relief and planning to ghost our friendship/relationship completely? Is she going to resurface after the Bar is done with some lame excuse about, "I didn't ghost you, I just didn't want to be a distraction while you were trying to study?"

 

I know there's no way to be sure. One thing I'm positive about is that I am not going to initiate contact. I've given her all the power for nine months straight, and watched her hurt me with it over and over again. I'm not giving it back.

 

What I need help with is responding when she finally does resurface, or dealing with it when she doesn't. I know the majority on this board seem to advocate strict NC with ex-APs, and I understand the reasons why. I go back to the fact that we were friends for a few years before the A started, but I know in my heart I don't want to sit back and pretend to smile while I watch her live out her "happily ever after" with someone else. I hope that one day I can talk to her and explain what hell she's put me through, but when I examine my motivations for that, they're ultimately selfish. I don't know what I expect anyone to get out of that except that I'll feel a little better and she'll feel a little worse.

 

In your collective experience, do the ex-APs "always" come back if there's no D-Day? Or do some of them just consider themselves lucky and ignore their xOM/OW for the rest of time?

[Birdies]

My guess would be that given your comments to her about how you two need to talk, etc, she is seeing this get too serious/heavy and is trying to back away from the situation without having to be the Bad Guy and actually break up with you. I would guess that she isn't going to ghost you completely, but that she is trying to extract herself and "let you down easy" with as little difficulty and honesty as possible. She also doesn't want to piss you off just in case you go crazy on her and inform her husband about her little side romps.

 

If she does reappear, hopefully you will have worked up the determination to tell her how painful this has been for you, how she really needs to dig deep and fix the serious flaws in her core being, and that you no longer want to be a part of her life in any way. Cause you're right that trying to be friends will be a disaster for you

 

Good luck studying, hugs to you!

[BigBlueSky]

I agree with Birdies, that she's avoiding having to do an actual break up. I think you'll hear back from her and that she'll check on you to see how things are going but that she's holding you at an arms length.

 

I'm glad you were able to delete Snapchat from your phone for a few days. I think you're moving forward in the right direction.

 

Keep going hard in your studies! Thinking of you!

[BreakingWave]

That's the worst bit, Birdies - her silence this week has confirmed for me that's all it was. I imagined it was this big love affair she was actually agonizing over. It really was a series of "little side romps" and she's throwing me out like a paper plate.

[BreakingWave]

Well she resurfaced today. After four days of silence, came back with a profound, "Hi."

 

And I should have ignored it or said, "go to hell." Somehow it came out, "Hi."

 

What the hell is wrong with me...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well she resurfaced today. After four days of silence, came back with a profound, "Hi."

 

And I should have ignored it or said, "go to hell." Somehow it came out, "Hi."

 

What the hell is wrong with me...

 

I feel like I do not have much of value to add but I do follow your posts and am familiar with your struggles, and since I saw your post a few days ago about wanted people who are reading it to reach out, so I am. That was a long sentence.

 

Anyway, obviously you know the answer, without a dday, they do tend to keep reaching out as they enjoy the attention. The exception is if you are kinda crazy. That can scare married people off. But you seem pretty controlled and I relate to you as you are a lawyer, I'm a CPA.

 

About the snapchat thing, that is why I don't block too much, if I am going to be wondering all the time, what is the point. I did eventually block xmm on F but that was for me, so I did not see him and his wife. I will tell you that once these people get busted in their dday, they do very easily go away as we really never meant much of anything to them.

 

They are not ignoring us. They don't care. There is a difference.

 

I'll close with this. If I could go back in time, I would have been strong and cut him off in the beginning of the A when he showed me who he was. Or I would have cut him off at the end. Instead I was a sad, pathetic lovesick heap for a solid year - and like your MW, he was not ignoring me, he didn't care. Of course he enjoyed the attention and would play with me a bit, not caring about the pain he caused. I wish I had stronger and held my head high in Jan 16, but I wasn't. Don't be me.

[BTDT2012]

Concentrate on your studies. I think she is trying to force you to break it off.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all. She responded with a, "How are you?" That one is going to get ignored. I don't think she cares about the honest answer anymore, if she ever did, and if she does care she'll try again by making an actual phone call or trying to see me. Answering her question tonight would either lead to a distracting conversation or require me to continue invalidating my true feelings. Neither one is acceptable to me right now.

[ClassyTaste]

Thanks, y'all. She responded with a, "How are you?" That one is going to get ignored. I don't think she cares about the honest answer anymore, if she ever did, and if she does care she'll try again by making an actual phone call or trying to see me. Answering her question tonight would either lead to a distracting conversation or require me to continue invalidating my true feelings. Neither one is acceptable to me right now.

 

 

You seem to have all these wonderful qualities and a sensitive warm heart. If there is any chance for you and this relationship, you may need to behave differently. She is using you as her bestie, emotional tampon. What about changing face and become a bit more edgy and mysterious. Make her wonder what the heck is going on with you in your life! What do I know, but my opinion is you need to flip the switch. Be the bad boy for awhile, go out, meet people. Take up an interesting hobby. Go live life to the fullest. See how she reacts if you say you are going to dinner with a lady you met in a group. Do not make it seem like you are trying to make her jealous, be vague.

[darkbloom]

Breaking Wave,

 

Your post about being happy before you started your affair resonated with me. My affair was causing me extreme highs and very low lows. I realized that my AP was always going to make me feel this way because he could never give me what I need to be happy and stay fulfilled. It hurts a lot at first, but it gets better and slowly you start to even out. The lows aren't so low and you don't get the manic high.

 

You have to let her go, as painful as that may be. Don't you want to be happy again?

[eightynine]

I feel for you, BreakingWave. I've been in a situation with an unavailable person-- for a good year I was either responding any and every contact by him, or ignoring him cold. The "problem" with making the choice to ignore his messages was that I was not invested enough in it-- I'd eventually respond, feel weak, and many bad choices would ensure. Or worse, he wouldn't even seem to care that I was ignoring him which would make me message him-- that always made me feel awful.

 

So as things continued, I decided to take it day by day, moment by moment. First, I started making sure he was ALWAYS the one to contact me first. I never made first contact. (I feel this helped me detach a bit). When I first took this approach, I did have this horrible anxiety that he just would never message me again, but I soon learned he'd ALWAYS be back-- as most unavailable people are. Then I also began to respond to him selectively. I couldn't detach, but if he messaged me and I knew a conversation might ruin my day, I ignored it. If he said something pointless, I ignored it. If it was conversation that was interesting or somehow useful to me I engaged. By this point he'd become desperate for me to talk to him which led to some productive conversations. Etc. I was still seeing him but it seemed much more under my control.

 

Still though, it had to end, as I think yours does too. But I'm not always a huge fan of 'cold turkey.' At the end of this unavailable relationship, I had mended my ego a bit (he was suddenly the one desperate to reach me, although he was still not available for commitment), I had gained some control over the situation, and I felt more empowered. So, the next time he did a really ****ty thing, I was actually able to let go.

Edited July 13, 2017 by eightynine

[BreakingWave]

ClassyTaste - Thanks for the compliment. I do think I'm a good person and a fairly good catch. I'm pretty cute, I work out and take care of myself, I'm educated, and I treat people well. I've had opportunities for relationships with available women, but no one has really 'lit my fire' the way MW has. I need to explore why an emotionally (and maritally!) unavailable woman was able to get to me in ways no one else could. I don't know how good I'd be at playing the "bad boy," or bad girl in this case. It just ain't me.

 

She knows I have a social life that doesn't involve her, and when I did date someone else, it bothered her though she realized she didn't have the right to tell me not to, and even encouraged me to keep dating. I think, though, that she said that simply to make herself feel better. In the early days, she told me, "I love everything about you, especially your heart." So it's just sadly ironic that she's taken advantage of my willingness to make my heart vulnerable and open to her.

 

At any rate, I have plans to take a study break next week by seeing a baseball game with the girl I was dating during my brief breakup with MW. I haven't posted anything on Facebook in a month (I'm not a huge poster-of-stuff) but I'm sure this girl will want to post a photo of us at the game. On our third date she was posting pictures of me with song lyrics, I'll put it like that (another reason why I don't often click with my fellow lesbians - they want to get married within a month. I only find people who are TOO available or people who are not available at all, it turns out!) So it'll be interesting to see how/whether MW reacts to that at all.

[BreakingWave]

DarkBloom - Thanks for your message. Yes, I absolutely want to be happy again. Moreso, I want to believe I am capable of being happy again. I feel so shattered as a result of the first breakup, getting back together, the second non-breakup... I have no idea what's going on with us now. I assume we're broken off and she just let me figure it out like an *******.

 

Hugs to you, I am glad you're moving in the right direction.

[BreakingWave]

EightyNine,

 

Thank you for the post. I really appreciate you sharing your approach, because I think that would work better for me than going cold turkey and thinking about never talking to her again. I don't know why, I'm just not ready to let her go. I know I don't have time or mental space for her for the next 13 days, though.

 

I feel *weird* about not responding to her "how are you?" I just know that what was a simple message for her has rocked my world, which indicates she still has far too much power over me.

 

I have not initiated contact with her in seven days, which feels good. It's definitely a first. But the only contact she's initiated has been true breadcrumbs. Pointless small talk. I don't know what I'm waiting on, honestly. Even if she wants to have a real conversation, it would need to begin with a "hi," right? I guess I've told myself it won't kill her to wonder for a day or two why I'm not responding - she's certainly put me in the position before - and if she wants to, she can always text again or *gasp* make a phone call or ask to see me in person.

 

It feels like I'm playing a game, which stinks, because I truly want to talk to her. I just need to teach her not to take me for granted and not to do these cyclical emotional freeze-outs.

[BreakingWave]

So I did message her after a week of no contact. And going by her reaction, which may not mean anything, all the drama is solely on my end. Here I was agonizing about not speaking to her in a week. But when I sent: "Hi, I'm not trying to ignore you, I'm just trying to focus on the Bar which is in ten days, yikes. How are you?" she responded about a minute later saying "Yes, you do need to focus on the bar" and then making casual conversation about what she's been up to. Like we're buddies and nothing important has changed.

 

I don't know what I expected. Probably exactly what happened. But it's all beginning to solidify in my mind. She plans to move on like nothing ever happened. She's probably already started to convince herself that it was all in my mind and she never gave me reasons to believe she honestly cared about me.

 

I know that the goal is to get to a place where I don't care about her anymore.... a place where it doesn't pain me to think of her, when I don't still cling to some dumb hope that we can ever be like we were in the beginning, a place where I'm actually open to meeting someone else. But I can't even begin to imagine any of those things right now.

 

I miss her. And the worst part is knowing she does NOT miss me. Or think about me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So I did message her after a week of no contact. And going by her reaction, which may not mean anything, all the drama is solely on my end. Here I was agonizing about not speaking to her in a week. But when I sent: "Hi, I'm not trying to ignore you, I'm just trying to focus on the Bar which is in ten days, yikes. How are you?" she responded about a minute later saying "Yes, you do need to focus on the bar" and then making casual conversation about what she's been up to. Like we're buddies and nothing important has changed.

 

I don't know what I expected. Probably exactly what happened. But it's all beginning to solidify in my mind. She plans to move on like nothing ever happened. She's probably already started to convince herself that it was all in my mind and she never gave me reasons to believe she honestly cared about me.

 

I know that the goal is to get to a place where I don't care about her anymore.... a place where it doesn't pain me to think of her, when I don't still cling to some dumb hope that we can ever be like we were in the beginning, a place where I'm actually open to meeting someone else. But I can't even begin to imagine any of those things right now.

 

I miss her. And the worst part is knowing she does NOT miss me. Or think about me.

 

I just to assure you that this a technique guys use all the time and yes, she is aware of what she is doing. It is to confuse you, make you doubt yourself and basically, think you are the crazy one - that you are imaging things and creating drama.

 

Here's why I know. If someone is really a friend for real (and someone you are physically involved with is not a friend and never can be) or if they are involved with you but do care, lets just say they did kinda blow you off for whatever reasons in their life and you sent them that message. They would immediately say, hey I am sorry, I have been doing X and Y, so sorry for ignoring you, how is everything going?

 

I know because I've had this happen and I know because like you, I've had it NOT happen. You are right - she doesn't care. I mean, that is it in a nutshell and I know that hurts like hell, been there. When someone cares, you know it. When they don't, you know it as well.

 

If I can give you two takeaways -

1. Stop crossing rivers for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for you

2. Stop making excusing for people's bad behavior.

 

When someone does not care, you must move on. I have a youtube for you. BRB

[MidnightBlue1980]

https://youtu.be/WJ-aWRVm9uQ

 

I watched this a million times and it is so TRUE.

 

I got it here off LS.